I handled it the wrong way now DN is paying for it-update About This Page:

[minemoz1]

My DNiece is turning 13 this month. I wanted to have a party for her. A big friend party as she has never had one. I started looking at options last month (roller skating, arcade, etc) but I didn't discuss it with mom before I talked to DN (MAJOR bad on my part. I know I should have consulted mom before talking to DN.) So SIL got mad at me and I dropped the plans as SIL said she wanted to plan a party for DN (I volunteered to pay 1/2 of whatever she planned).

I talked to SIL today and she tells me that DN thinks her party is cancelled but that it's just postponed (?I'm thinking indefinately). She's had all this time and still hasn't planned anything. This is a person who didn't even get her 10 year old son a birthday cake on his birthday and she lived across from a grocery store (Her reply was "Oh, you wanted a cake?"). My DH and I had to get one for him. I know she is NOT going to follow through on this. She's always saying she'll do things and will never will. I'm sure my poor DN is dissappointed and it's partly my fault.

UPDATE
We'll I talked to SIL today and apologized for not talking to her first. She said the reason her party is "postponed" is because DN is telling lies and hasn't been doing well in school. I don't know about the lie part (DN is a pretty good kid, doesn't talk back and listens, when she's around me) but they are left alone for a good 4 hours after school which doesn't help. As for doing better in school, she has no help at home (and has had none the entire time she's been in school, which is why DH and I pick her and her brother up 2 days a week and make sure homework is done correctly and grill them on math.) SIL even tried to blame the school when no one got back to her about after school help (If my kid was failing, I'd be calling the school, teachers, counselors etc to get her help and keep on calling until she got it). My feeling is that she hasn't done any planning for the party and that's her excuse for not having one now. I'd think you'd have to do something incredibly bad to warrant having your birthday punished. I can imagine that being a single parent is hard, but it's sad to see the kids suffer because their mom is to busy with her life to bother.

Thanks for listening.

[crystalloubear]

Not to sound mean but its not your fault that your SIL is a jerk. You wanted to help out and give a big thing. You are not the one letting DN down her mom is. I am sure at 13 she understands this.

[maggieworkman]

[ QUOTE ]
This is a person who didn't even get her 10 year old son a birthday cake on his birthday and she lived across from a grocery store (Her reply was "Oh, you wanted a cake?"). My DH and I had to get one for him.
Thanks for listening.

[/ QUOTE ]


Huh???? I don't understand that. I can understand if you don't have the money to buy a cake or have a party, but to say, "Oh, you wanted a cake???" is just amazing to me.

Maggie

[Courtney]

Aw, that's so sad...good for you for at least trying to do something nice for DN. Maybe you can take her out and the two of you can have your own private party at a roller rink?

I also don't get how a mother can just NOT get a cake. It's a standard amenity for childrens' birthdays. So sad.

[GATechGal]

OK, first I'm going to shake my finger at your for not asking fist. Your heart was in the right place, but it was sort of butting in (I'm sayin' this with a smile and a kiss). But since your sister didn't just accept your well intentioned gesture and made a fuss about making arrangements herself, I think you can start asking about said arrangements and offer again to make the plans that you would have done in the first place. She sounds like a control freak with follow through issues, so you just have to take pity on them and offer to help. Having DN beg a little for your plans too might get Sis to let you do it just to get some peace. Good luck

[MickeyMAC]

It's amazing how much children understand about the way their parents act--especially in a situtation like this one. Hope your DN gets a birthday party.

[Teresa]

Why not offer to do the planning, for 2 parties, and SIL can pick which one she would like, then you pay for it, and let DN think that you both split the cost?

The fact that the kids are alone so much shouldn't have any bearing what-so-ever on their grades! DSis and I were alone most of our lives (mom worked full time, and attended college, and then seminary full time) We were both honor roll students and both graduated in the top 2% of our classes.

It's great that you and your DH help out! It would have been wonderful to have had that family support.

[minemoz1]

[ QUOTE ]
The fact that the kids are alone so much shouldn't have any bearing what-so-ever on their grades! DSis and I were alone most of our lives (mom worked full time, and attended college, and then seminary full time) We were both honor roll students and both graduated in the top 2% of our classes.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree. I know I needed to be pushed, at times, to do my best in school. My brother, however, was very intellegent and school came easy to him (and yes I hated him for it ). Both these kids are behind in school (DN doesn't even know her multiplication tables yet in 7th grade) and having the parent univolved on a daily basis doesn't help. I tell her that she's old enough now to make a difference in her schoolwork. That its HER choice whether she does it correctly or not. She doesn't take the time to do it correctly (just as fast as possible.) There is no one checking to see that it is correct and to make her redo it. JMHO.