Family problems~ I am near tears! About This Page:

[disneyknut]

Let me start this post by quoting a plaque I saw today at Kennywood Park ( I should have bought it)

The difference between inlaws & outlaws is that outlaws are wanted!!

<font size="2" face="Comic Sans MS, Arial">As I wrote in my previous post about my stepFIL & him being a party pooper on our upcoming Disney trip..
Well, today was a HORRIBLE day & I just don't know what to do.
MIL wanted to go to Kennywood Amusement park today & we all went.. Everything was going along wonderful... stepFIL was even riding a lot of the rides I would never expect ( for you Pittsburghers he went on The Exterminator among others ) & I kept saying to MIL & DH " Wow, Dick is really doing great, he is trying so many new things" & DH & MIL agreed.
Well, DH & DS got in line to go on Phantoms Revenge ( A pretty wild Roller Coaster) & the rest of us chickens decided to wait..StepFIL & other DS had to go to the bathroom & proceeded to walk to what they thought was the closest one. I said to MIL " There's a bathroom around the corner" Well, MIL gets all flustered & starts running after stepFIL ( like he's 2YO) she does'nt catch up to them so she decides to go to the bathroom herself.
Okay.. DD & I are talking with a friend we met there & stepFIL comes up to me in a huff screaming " Where's Linda??" (MIL) I said "she went looking for you guys at the bathroom" He then looses it & SCREAMS "I told her to stay where she was & not leave!!" & in a tizzy fit takes off to find MIL.. My friend looks at me like stepFIL lost his mind & I was humiliated by his scene. I say goodbye & by the time I catch up to MIL & stepFIL he is SCREAMING at her that if he tells her to stay somewhere she better not leave & she is an A**, ( among other nasty words which I didn't appreciate in front of my children) he's tired of her just leaving & she better start listening..he is never doing anything with her or going anywhere with her yada yada yada...
Well people were really staring ( I am not exaggerating he was SCREAMING at the top of his lungs!!) & I felt VERY uncomfortable ( not to mention embarassed for us & MIL) so I took my kids to get an ice cream & wait for DH & DS. Meet up with DH & we get back to MIL & stepFIL & he is STILL yelling..
DH wants to go eat dinner & we walk into a little cafteria type restaurant to see the menu & stepFIL says that it's too loud he doesn't want to eat there.. DH has now HAD it & tells us that WE ( our family- the 5 of us) ARE eating there & MIL & stepFIL can do what they want!! ( Yeah Jim!!! way to stand up for yourself!) we order our food & get a table & after a couple of minutes MIL comes & sits by us & instead of being mad at her DH she is apologetic "Oh, when Dick gets tired he gets cranky!" We left the park right after dinner as a storm was headed their way & EVERY ride in the park was shut down ( I guess they are taking extraordinary precautions after the bad storm in May)
Well, StepFIL is still not speaking to MIL & she keeps trying to talk to him & baby him & he is totally ignoring her..He now has gone to bed!
Here's what's bothering me.. We have adjoining rooms at Disney & If he pulls a stunt like today we will be stuck in the room listening to him rant & rave...
This is one instance where telling MIL that we were embarassed by him will do NO good.. she will defend him & then turn it around " You get mad at Jim & yell too!"
A bit of FYI... MIL married this man for his $$$$.. He is a multi-millionaire & lets her buy ANYTHING she wants but I'm sorry NO amount of money is worth being humiliated!!!
What do we do??? I am really thinking of cancelling this trip ( & I'll probably break my kids hearts, not to mention really make DH mad!!)
WHY OH WHY DID I ASK HER TO COME ON THIS TRIP??????
You know the old saying "leave & learn" well, I think I'm learning a hard lesson..
Sorry to go on & on guys but I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face thinking of a ruined ( or VERY uncomfortable) Disney trip... Thanks for letting me vent!!! [img]graemlins/cry2.gif[/img] The one good thing that came of this is DH made us do what WE wanted & not cater to stepfIL.. that is a plus going into the trip.. We will do what we want & to heck with them!!!

[LilMarcieMouse]

Why don't you see if you can change rooms At WDW?,If something like this happens you can go your ouwn way and do not have to hear it while in yopur room. Thats what I would do if it were me. Sending you happy dust to help your mood.Hope you feel beeter.

[luvnwdwgal]

Don't cancel your trip or let them ruin it for you!
Are you sure you can't sit down with MIL and talk to her? Are you positive they even want to go, maybe they are only going because you asked them and they don't want you to feel bad by saying no? As I mentioned before...you guys do your thing and let them handle themselves. Just because MIL lets her husband treat her like that doesn't mean you have to put up with it! I would at least say something about him acting like that in front of the kids. I would not put up with that!

[DebiDebiDebi]

First of all, let me say this; relatives are why God gave us friends... [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img]

When we went to WDW with my folks, they stayed in the Contemporary, and we stayed at the Poly. That way we had time to ourselves. We also would split up durring the day, and met up for meals, as we figured out pretty quickly we moved at a lot faster pace than my folks do. My girls stayed the night at Poppa & Gramma's hotel one night, (after getting the OK from the Contemorary staff). We all had a blast, and it worked well. Good luck, and I hope it all works out well!

[ 07-25-2002, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: DebiDebiDebi ]

[pflamingo]

Wow. If I was your DH, I'd be concerned about my mom being in such an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to hit her for it to be considered abuse. Just b/c she married him for the wrong reasons doesn't mean she has to stay in it. That said, there's probably not a whole lot you can do about that part. I just had to give my 2 cents on it.

Okay, here's an idea. It's sneaky, but what the heck. Call or fax your resort, and arrange to have non-adjoining, non-adjacent rooms. Maybe even on opposite sides of the resort (or different buildings, depending on where you're staying). If you don't think you can tell your MIL & stepFIL why you don't want to be near them, you can always say that they couldn't give you the adjoining rooms. Okay, I know, it's a lie, and I don't condone lying, but I think you're right to be concerned about having your kids exposed to this kind of behavior, so maybe it's a justifiable lie.

Do not let them ruin your vacation. StepFIL sounds like a control freak, and you don't need to let him control your life or your vacation. If they don't like it, too bad. That's a relationship that needs some serious therapy, and you need to do whatever you can to keep your kids away from their sick behavior.

Good Luck!

[AmndaSarek]

Your stepFIL sounds like a CONTROL freak. I really feel for your MIL, control freaks can be hard to live with ... they are usually pretty insecure people underneath and have a hard time ever really relaxing.
Maybe you can do a room switch instead of doing adjoining rooms at WDW. I think you should also think about letting them have some alone time ... maybe encourage them to take one of the behind the scenes tours or play some golf or shopping at Disney Downtown.
Good luck! Wish I had some more helpful suggestions. [img]images/icons/frown.gif[/img]

[reinstructor]

Maybe you'll get luck and he'll decide not to go. I would contact the resort and ask that the rooms not be adjoining. Just be sure you or your DH are the ones who handle checkin. The suggestion of sending them on one of the behind the scenes tours sounds great. Let's go for the longest one.
As far as his language around the children, I'd put a stop to that. If they hear it from him they will believe that it's okay for them. The same thing with the abusive behaviour.
I told a BIL that his behaviour was not acceptable around us or our children. Made him mad and he didn't come around for a while, but you owe some protection to those kids.
We'll be praying for you that all this will work out. Hopefully there won't have to be a scene.

[Wondcat]

I totally agree, my late FIL was abusive and used nasty language and I finally had to ask him to leave our house one night. After that he was a little better, at least around the kids. I would also get separate rooms or better yet separate resorts. Hope you feel better!

[tikibird]

Ann,

I would try to ditch the adjoining rooms, as well.

In Dec. we went with my parents - they stayed at ASMo, we were at ASMu - right across the parking lot - not too far, but just far enough.

We agreed before the trip that both families would see whatever they wanted to, and though we scheduled some meals and MVMCP together, we found that breaking up during the day worked well, as our pace is much quicker than theirs.

Just make sure you are not planning to stay together 24x7. Even with my immediate family, I had about had it by the end of our last trip. Too much togetherness is not always a good thing! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

[disneyknut]

Thanks everyone for the support... Unfortunately we can't cancel the adjoining rooms as MIL isn't even listed in our rooms yet. .. We have 5 in our immediate family & HAVE to get adjoining rooms.. plus, she isn't staying the entire trip.. she is leaving on Sunday & we aren't leaving until Tuesday..
I like the behind the scene tour idea but I know she wont go for it.. she wants to spend 'quality' time with her grandkids!! Yesterday, she wanted to do everything with them & HAD to include him ( & for the most part he was a great sport about it) it was just after the bathroom incident that things got hairy..
I am glad that DH stood up for us & made all of us eat where WE wanted..
I am going to talk to MIL today & try to tell her that the screaming in front of the kids isn't good b/c then the kids might not like him ( how's that for a great cop out~ let her THINK I'm telling her this for his sake) I don't think it will matter as he has 5 children & NONE of them talk to him at all( for ovr 10 years) & when he tries to contact one they always tell him what a mean father he was & they want nothing to do with him..
I spent last night crying in bed.. My MIL is named in my will as 2nd guardian ( if MY brother can't/wont take the kids) & after yesterday I do NOT want my kids to have to grow up with him if something happens to DH or I.. So, I am going to call our attorney Monday & change our wills to only name my brother as guardian.
My will needs updated anyway since it was made when my oldest was 6 months old.
THanks again for your support...
Oh BTW... stepFIL is being all peachy with MIL this morning.. What a jerk!!! If I were her I would be mad at HIM!!!! but she's all sweet & catering to him & waiting on him hand & foot!

[Ursunique2001]

I am so sorry for your FIL behavior. But I must say that you have to stop feeling sorry for your MIL. She has decided that this is the type of relationship she wants for whatever the reason.

I agree, call, fax, my God RUN to whoever you booked your rooms with and ask them to put you on the same floor but not next to each other. Do whatever you have to do to make your trip enjoyable. A room in between you two would be great. Oh, and make sure you pray long and hard before you go!

[September]

I don't know what to say other than wish you luck. Famiies are a tricky business, and--unfortunately--parents/in-laws seem to hold more than their share of emotional leverage.

I have to say, that getting out of this trip without permanent hard feelings would be difficult to impossible. Also, I understand the room situation, and why ajoining rooms are necessary. When you go on your trip, it's important to know going into it what YOUR expectations are, and also you and your husband need to resolve ahead of time what behavior they will allow and how you intend to respond to behavior that is "out of line." Maybe set up code words for when things are straying outside of the comfort zone and you need to head for "family time" and your own personal space.

Good luck. Keep us updated on how things are going.

[GoofyMom]

Ann, I really don't have anything constructive to say. I think some really good suggestions have been made. I hope that you can find a peaceful compromise for your trip so that you can have fun without letting a freaky old rich fart spoil it!

[HiddenMickey]

OK, here's what I'd do...

Cancel your trip. Let your MIL and FIL know that you don't plan to go anymore and tell them why.

But, don't really cancel the trip. "Change your mind" and decide to take the kids anyway.

You won't get alone time like you hoped for, but you will get peace while you are there.

-HiddenMickey

PS You MIL is in trouble! She will lose her identity completely if she lets him keep that up. That is one VERY abusive relationship. My sister had to divorce her husband after 5 years because he treated her much the same way. It was very damaging to her self-esteem and her well-being. I hope she comes to her senses and leaves him. Right now she is an enabler. He'll never get help if he isn't confronted and she doesnt' sound strong enough to do that. Maybe her leaving will be a wakeup call, and then again, it might not, but at least she'd be safe.

[ 07-26-2002, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: HiddenMickey ]

[pflamingo]

Wow, HiddenMickey, you're even more devious than I am!

Are you positive you have to have the adjoining rooms? Does that mean your kids will be staying in their room part of the time? I wouldn't let them out of my sight w/ this guy. Your MIL won't be any help -- she'll just make excuses for him.

This is a classic abusive relationship, on both their parts. You really don't want your kids around this. Those two are sending them the message that this is normal and okay. The fact that he's sweet and nice and a good sport part of the time is one of the things that makes the abuse so bad -- it's unpredictable. Who knows what will set him off? If he was a jerk all the time, at least you'd know what to expect.

I hope you find a way to resolve this. I'm glad to hear your DH is willing to stand up to them. At the very least, the two of you need to agree on how to deal with the circumstances. Good luck. You can always get "accidentally" separated from them, no matter how small the crowd is!