Am I the wicked stepmother? About This Page:

[pixeedusty]

Ok.... I am on the verge of tears, and I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take.
I think I am a "giving" person. I don't THINK I'm selfish....
but apparently I am.
I do have a little OCD tendency... I like my own stuff, that I buy, for mySELF, and have in my house, for me to use and enjoy.
However, if anyone asks me for something, I will go out of my way to try to give them what they need.
So.... my dear 2 stepdaughters who do NOT live with us, are off college now for the summer (actually the older one just graduated), and they decide at random times to come over to our house (it's just DH & I living there), and do whatever they please and then leave. They go into the kitchen, eat food (some that I have purchased for MY meals that I need for MY diet and MY lunches and breakfast at work, etc....) and then leave food all over the counter, containers/boxes/bags on the table/counters, things on the floor, dirty plates in the sink/counter, etc. They then go on my computer (not their dad's b/c he is on his, and I am usually sleeping or at work <and yes they come over during the night when I am working 11pm-7am>) and mess up stuff that I have on there. They close pages of videos that I have started watching, etc. They leave food/drinks & clothing, etc lay all over the living room furniture & floor. They also decide to take a shower and use the bathroom, and use my stuff that I have in there.... which honestly I only mind b/c I purchase special products that might be high in cost, but they are what I found works for me. And they leave it a mess with stuff moved, laying in the tub, hair all over, and icky toothpaste (& more!) in the sink, wet towels on the floor (except when they decide to bring their wet towel downstairs with them & leave it on my computer chair or my furniture). And sometimes they take my stuff. For example, the other day I found I had no brush. Just out of the shower, and no brush. Gone.
And then they leave.
Oh, and they break things. With never a word to me, no apology, nothing. I find out by finding the broken item (which they don't even clean up or throw away...) and asking DH about it.
And last night, they threw the breaker in the kitchen so the fridge/freezer was off all night until I got home in the morning.
So,.... am I a wicked stepmother? Anytime I say anything to my DH about ANYTHING that happens, he is like, OH WELL... or, "you are just being selfish".

Well the last straw was tonight. Yesterday,...he got a text from his oldest DD asking if we had a memory card for a camera. So he asked me. My answer was, "NO, none that aren't being used." Back-story, I just purchased a new camera, so I was planning on using the memory cards we HAVE for that camera. Well, apparently he decided to give her one anyway. I asked him if he did, and he said "yeah, an empty one". Well, I told him, I was planning on using that for my camera. Now I have to spend MY hard earned money to purchase a new one simply because SHE didn't want to spend HERS.
Mostly, I am just hurt because even though I said NO, he ignored that and went ahead and gave her one anyway.
I basically said to him,.... Fine, I won't say anything anymore. Don't even ask me.
My feelings at this point is that if I want anything not damaged/taken, I will have to HIDE it somewhere they won't find it to use it. This is, to me, ridiculous.
And I'm sorry, but at 19 & 22 they should be able to clean up after themselves.

ok I am done ranting now. I am basically in tears & shaking at work. Thank goodness I work by myself so nobody can see me like this.
I just don't know what to do, and can't for the life of me figure out whether I'm REALLY just being selfish, or not.

[Thomhazel]

I want to say welcome to the world of dealing with teenagers but i suspect your issue is more with your DH than the kids.

Teenagers are in general selfish, some more than others, some realise better than others the impact their behavior has on others but they are at a stage in life where their lives are all about them and what they want and where they are going. It doesn't make them bad people but they do need pointed out to them what they are doing. For example i recently went away from home and came home late at night to a bombsite. It hadn't occured to my 15 year old to tidy up after himself, do dishes etc. I pointed out to him how that made me feel then he cleaned it up and tried (unsuccessfully but did try) to do better next time.

My point is under the age of 25 they are in that in between stage, big serious changes going on for them biologically, emotionally, financially, educationally etc. They just don't think they way we do. the impact of their behavior on others often needs to be pointed out to them, they still need to be parented, educated in how not to be selfish etc etc.

your DH needs to take your feelings into account. If they do soemthing that upsets you thats should be pointed out to them. They could be blissfully aware they are upsetting you rather than doing it to upset you. you need to sit your DH down and explain to him calmly how you are feeling and set together some ground rules that are reasonable. If it is don't touch my stuff so be it but if you could come up with a more compromised position it will make for a more open family in the long run.

Dealing with your own teenagers is hard and they need constant reinforcement. I can't imagine how hard it must be dealing with step teenagers. Hope you get it better.

[Tigger71]

[Huntermom]

I agree with Thomhazel. Issue is not with the kids but with your DH. he lets them in, lets tham take over the house, doesn't suggest they clean up and takes advantage of you and your things.

I think it is going to take marriage/family counseling to even begin to address these things. Your DH does value you or respect you and if he cannot learn to you are doomed.

Not the kids fault. Who raised these kids? Your DH and his ex.

[MayraLR]

Until your DH steps up and says something, things will continue the way they are. Maybe have a serious talk with him, tell him how you feel, what you view as wrong. If that doesn't work well go to drastic measures. Put your important stuff away in a secret place, lock your computer with a password, etc. Tell your husband that if he won't enforce some rules on his daughters then he'll have to respond for their actions, replacing what's missing and cleaning after them.

Oh, and btw, I don't think you're being selfish at all. Good luck!

[wheezie]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

I agree with Thomhazel. Issue is not with the kids but with your DH. he lets them in, lets tham take over the house, doesn't suggest they clean up and takes advantage of you and your things.

I think it is going to take marriage/family counseling to even begin to address these things. Your DH does value you or respect you and if he cannot learn to you are doomed.

Not the kids fault. Who raised these kids? Your DH and his ex.

This. Exactly.

[Teresa]

I've dealt with the step-kids, from ages 5 and 11 to now (they're 30 and 36, almost 37).

Here's my take on what you're saying and how to deal with it:

1. it's just food, let it go. Unless you and your DH keep your money and expenses completely separate. If you buy your food out of your funds and he never contributes, then you have every reason to say "this is mine, don't take it". Make a shelf or two in your fridge that is for just you and make sure he understands it isn't to be violated. Tell the girls that also.

2. They're old enough to know. I don't buy the whole "They're teens, they're stupid" idea. Sorry, I was a mother at 16, engaged at 17, a college student with a full time job and a house at 17, and a single mom at 18, married at 22. EVERYONE will live up or down to your expectations. EXPECT the best out of them. Stop complaining to their father and speak to them: lay down simple rules. If there is more than one bathroom, outfit it for them: THEIR brand of soap and shampoo, towels, etc. It will be their job to clean, their job to wash the dirty towels. If they don't, they don't have a clean towel. IF you share a bath, same thing, really. When the kids were little, everyone had a certain color of towel and washcloth - that way I knew who wasn't picking up their towels. Also make sure they (and their dad) know that they are to pick up after themselves or HE will be doing it. He doesn't care right now for 2 reasons: #1, you're doing it and #2, he's still probably in that mode of "I divorced their mother and if I'm not indulgent and easy-going with them, they'll hate me." Also, I'd lay down the law on MY computer. Or, start locking it, either with a password or with one of those locks kids use in college.

And - talk to your DH and have HIM replace the card for your camera. It's simple enough. He took it, he can replace it. Let him know how much it hurt that he didn't pay attention to your wishes.

You'll have to decide if you're willing to work through this or leave it. I think the best thing to do is work through it, even if it's painful. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience - letting it go will do nothing more than fester and make you dislike those girls and breed resentment towards your DH.

[rella]

If I'm reading this correctly....the girls DO NOT live with you. In that case they are in "your space". I don't think their age has anything to do with the problem. They are being allowed to act that way. You are not being selfish or the "evil step-mother"......you ARE being abused. It seems to me that you and your belongings are not respected.
You and DH should have a "down-to-earth" discussion about your feelings on these issues and then with the girls.
Guide lines should be set so that you can "welcome" the girls when the visit. Hiding or locking your possessions in your own home is unbelievable.
Good luck in working thing out.

[pixeedusty]

omg I first want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I just needed somewhere to vent & honestly thought my post would be somewhat ignored.... lol. This place is so full of supportive people that never cease to amaze me.
OK, I guess I should say that:
1. I was married previously for almost 20 yrs, & raised 2 kids of my own, who NEVER would THINK of behaving in this manner. They both knew that NO MEANS NO, and also take after my "a place for everything" tendencies.... So I guess that background is just making me completely at a LOSS as to how kids can actually behave in this manner.
2. My DH and I have been together 6 years now... so this isn't a new thing. His kids have been living with his ex since the oldest was about 6. I suppose I just thought it would get better when they were actually ADULTS, that he would expect more of them. Not happening.
3. Teresa, guess what? I actually DO purchase ALL the food from my OWN funds. But honestly, like you said, it's just food, and I can't stand hearing those words "you're selfish" over food. Also.... your life sounds similar to mine... I feel if I could be a mother at just barely 18, and take care of 2 kids and a husband at age 20, then these 2 girls can certainly be responsible enough to clean up after themselves.
Unfortunately, my DH does not CARE that things are "in their places" like I do, and honestly I believe he does not SEE the mess. Or care that it is messy. UGH. So frustrating. And also, unfortunately he is not working so he won't be replacing my memory card. The best I can do is just buy it myself and tell him... "oh well, that's one less meal OUT that the girls will be able to enjoy on the vacation that I planned JUST FOR THEM with us"....

Ok,.... all that said, I came home this morning and my DH said, "well... I told Lizz (the younger one that left the mess and threw the breaker & broke our Nuwave oven the other night) that if she is going to make a mess, then she can't come over. I told her I WANT her to come over, but not if she's going to make a mess."
So,... it's a start.
Honestly, I think the girls mean the world to him, he didn't get to see a lot of them growing up, and he just wants to do anything & everything they ask. Well.... while I understand that, it's still not ok to ignore my feelings about things. So I did tell him that it hurt my feelings that he totally ignored when I said NO and went ahead & did it anyway as if what I wanted didn't matter. He said, "ok, I get it". So we shall see.

I guess I just wish he was more OCD like me.... sometimes. Although he has been so good for me getting me to relax some of my tendencies,... other ones I just think I don't want to let go of.

Anyway... thanks again everyone for your replies!!! They made me feel so much better!!

[Huntermom]

Is there a reason your DH isn't working? And why he can't do more of the household tasks?

It sounds like you are doing it all. That is not fair. And let him know he is not being a good father by letting his kids take advantage of you (or anyone else). He is teaching the kids to be selfish and self centered.

[Belle320]

You are not being selfish. It is your home and your things should be respected. Glad to your DH has come around to understanding your point.

[JoanneS]

The Container Store has something that will help with the food issue, it's a small box for your fridge that can be locked. They call it a food safe. I would also lock your computer and find a place to hide anything you don't want them to touch. If your DH won't keep them away from your things, find a way to deny access. You are NOT being selfish.

[feonag]

You should be able to expect proper behavior from them in your home. They are not guests but family and should clean up after themselves and take care when using things. Even though they are not your children it is still your home and your rules should apply. Tell you husband that what type of behavior you expect from all of the "kids", yours and his when they come over. That way everyone is on the same page. I would not let my kids get away with that type of behavior nor any other child(step, niece, nephew, etc.) MY house, MY rules!

[Teresa]

Well, I'm glad he told Liz she needs to pick up after herself, but I'm not sure about telling her she can't come over.
My DH didn't pick up after his kids or make them do it because he too didn't see the mess. Until I stood there and pointed it out.
Another thing I forgot I did: take a photo of each room, either one photo to include the entire room, or multiple shots (no more than 4). Put them each in a plastic sleeve and post them in the cabinet (inside the door) or in a binder. Refer your DH to this when he says he doesn't know what's wrong. "IF the room doesn't look like this, do something about it." It's easier for them to see the mess if they know what it's supposed to look like!

[joelsmom]

Oh dear, I am so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. To me, it doesn't seem your husband considers you his top priority. I have been there and done that. My ex refused to accept, ever, that I even had the right to question anything about his daughter's behavior. He was completely defensive, and it was a major problem for us. Strangely, today his daughter and I have a great relationship. Still, I know that doesn't often happen.

I really hope everything works out for you in this situation and, more specifically, that the others are able to respect your perspective and your things.