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[emc0n0]

I need some advice, tips, and ideas from members of this wonderful forum. Everyone here is great and I am so glad someone thought of it.

Now that I have buttered everyone up. (Though I truly mean it). I need to give a little background before I ask the question. (Time to get personal)

I am a single mom who raised/is raising three daughters on my own. My oldest is now 19, Middle Child is 16, and my youngest child is 13. Financially is was very tough when they were young but we always had so much fun. Always found free and low cost things to do. Our first Disney trip finally happened in 2007 after having to cancel twice in prior years. We saved every penny (literally) to make it happen. We are very close and no matter what life gave them, my kids are very positive and look for reasons to be grateful and happy. One example is when Hurricane Irene came to visit and flooded our home we lost nearly everything in 2011 (which ofcourse caused us to cancel our trip in 2012). It took a long time to recover. (still working on it actually). We were grateful that we were all safe from harm. Things are replaceable.....I digress.

I have a niece who came to live with us shortly after the flood. She has been a problem child for the family and was a health hazard to my father who was raising her. He has heart disease and the constant arguing and misbehavior of my niece was not making things better. I was the last stop. I knew she would be hard to raise, especially for a single Mom but I thought maybe the positivity of my girls would help. In a family of optimists, she has been an unexpected cloud. She always has a grumpy face on and is very, very, very ungrateful about everything. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She will ask for something then tell me it's not the exact color. I will suprise her with a snack from the store then tell me its not what she would have picked out. (As she stuffs it in her mouth, I might add) We go have a fun day and she finds every imperfection.

I do not like anyone messing with my vacations! I work so hard for them. Has anyone had a child like this? Are there any tips you can share to help make my next vacation in August happy. I want her to enjoy herself but I dont think I can deal with doom and gloom at Disney. I must add that she has never been on vacation. She was always left behind because of the way she is and I wont do that to her. I want her to experience everything my kids get to experience.

But I need tips on keeping the magic.

Sorry so long. Apparently I needed to get that out. Okay sound off!

[yalibrarian]

Geez, is she related to my husband?

How old is this girl? Preteens and teens often have challenging behaviors based on the biological changes they're experiencing, starting around age 8, then again around age 12, and hoo, boy! Age 15 was my mom's least favorite for her girls. Without knowing more about her background, its hard to say if she is just a naturally grumpy child or maybe suffering from depression, a learning disability, or fear of abandonment (and paradoxically, then trying to drive you to give her up, thereby confirming her view that she's unloveable and worthless)? Does she have an undiagnosed physical issue, like dental problems or needing an eye exam? (She might also just be a spoiled brat.) So many reasons why she would act this way.

Is there some way you can involve her in the planning? Order the DVD, and have each of the girls--including her--make a "must-do" list. Design a group t-shirt for everyone to wear. Yes, she'll probably say its "lame," and she isn't going to wear it, but if you let pick the color (I can see it now: black) and help with the design, maybe she'll be less protective of her feelings. Afterall, she's been left before, and she may not believe you really intend to take her, so why not just act out and get it over with? You really have taken on a lot, and I wish you luck with this project. I hope some of the cheer at WDW will rub off on this very sad child. Please let us know as much as you feel comfortable sharing so the various knowledgeable folks on the list can give you the benefit of their experiences. I know you are a well-experienced mom yourself, but I bet some of the people on the list will have some good ideas to make your vacation work for everyone, especially you!

[emc0n0]

She has lived with my parents as long as she can remember. Her mother passed away before she was 1 year old. She does have a sister but she still lives with my mother. Although she did not know her mother, she had a good home with my parents. Everything they did she did. (However they have not gone on vacation due to their budgets and priorites) What Disney not a priority? What is wrong with them?

My parents split up about 5 years ago and it was tough for her. She acted up until asked to live with my grandfather every day......so after a year of fighting Mom gave in.

She then proceeded to fight with my Dad and sneak out of the house among many awful things she kept telling him that life would be so much better if she lived with me.

Because of his age and health I thought on this for several months and cried tears before I came to the decision to take her in. Please note that she has spent many summers with me and she was always so grateful of everything and loved being here. She was always happy and did all the silly things we do. (Cook offs, silly dancing, etc.) Once I made the decision. I called her with the good news, except.....she sounded upset. Can't win. Once she got used to the idea. I did sit down with her and told her that this was it. Once she lived here she will not be going anywhere else....she's mine. lol

She is very, very tough to raise as I would imagine anyone would be who came to live with you at the age of 14, she is 15 now. I am trying to break her cycle of lying. (When she speaks to friends and other adults who do not know her very well, she paints this picture of the victim. The world is against her). She doesnt believe the lies she tells because she changes them based on her audience.

In all fairness I do have to say that for whatever reason (Thank God) she is much better behaved with me than she has ever been. I do have to be on her though which is exhausting. What is toughest to deal with is this cloud that she brings with her. (the only time I do not see that cloud is when she is flirting with boys. ugh).

[acidreignn]

Kudos to you for trying to be there for her. yalibrarian is right, it can be so many different thing, but what sticks out is abandonment. Even though she did not know her mother, she may still feel that she was left by her. My friend's mother died at birth, and til this day, (she's 40 now) she still feels like her mother abandoned her, even though she had no control over dying. Have you tried to sit down with her and asked her how she feels? Just listen to her, sometimes just listening helps. It does sound like she tried to push the people who lover her away so she won't get hurt.
You may want to have some therapy with her for guidance.

[emc0n0]

Originally Posted by acidreignn

Kudos to you for trying to be there for her. yalibrarian is right, it can be so many different thing, but what sticks out is abandonment. Even though she did not know her mother, she may still feel that she was left by her. My friend's mother died at birth, and til this day, (she's 40 now) she still feels like her mother abandoned her, even though she had no control over dying. Have you tried to sit down with her and asked her how she feels? Just listen to her, sometimes just listening helps. It does sound like she tried to push the people who lover her away so she won't get hurt.
You may want to have some therapy with her for guidance.

She used to go to counseling but she was never honest with her. (She has admitted that). I am trying to wait till I think she is ready.

[emc0n0]

But on a lighter note......what are some tips to make this grumpy teenager enjoy this vacation. And tips for us to have patience when she looks for all the wrong.

[Pepperjackgirl]

Is there anything she is into? There are many not so typical Mickey Mouse things to do at Disney so maybe find something off the beaten path. The hot air balloon ride at Downtown Disney, Disney Quest, Bowling, Planet Hollywood. Maybe ask her to plan one day of the vacation with things she would like to do.

But I think ultimately just include her in all the fun. If the other girls are having fun and you just keep involving her in the activities maybe her cloud will lift.

[Jesser Girl]

I would include her in the planning. Show her some planning books (passporter), order the free planning DVD, take a trip to the local Disney Store, have her look at the Disney web site and tell you what attractions she is looking forward to. And remember when anyone (grumpy old man or toddler making first trip) walks down the middle of Main Street USA something magical over takes them. And if it doesn't, then maybe they need to be checked by a doctor LOL But seriously make her feel like this is her vacation (and I am sure you are) and tell her that on a daily basis. It sounds like she keeps people at a comfortable level of distance and that she just needs reassurance until she has outgrown this teenage phase/funk she has gotten in. And I will be honest, you had me in tears as I was reading your post and comments. What you are doing is awesome! We are called to share love and compassion, especially with taking care of widows and orphans. I know we shouldn't get Godly on here but God bless you. I will be praying for you and your family and niece, if that is ok?

[OneLittleSpark]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

I myself wouldn't put on some big song and dance just to please this one child. I mean you're taking her to Disney World for heavens sake, if that's not enough right there then I'm afraid the more you do will only make YOU more irritable when it doesn't work and your trip will just go further and further downhill. the last thing I would do is go out of my way because somehow that sounds like rewarding bad behavior. I hate to sound like a downer, but I doubt a trip to Disney is going to miraculously change this childs personality so I would just be prepared to tune out all of her misery. Blow it off and don't let it ruin everyone elses vacation...which is what you will end up doing if you focus too much on her and not your other children. She sounds like she is going for the "any attention is good attention" thing and you will be catering to that behavior if you go out of your way to try and please her. The one thing you already know going into this is that trying to please her hasn't worked, so change YOUR behavior. She'll either have fun or she won't. You can't force her to. You'll end up being one of those people that we all hear yelling, "I PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS TRIP AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE FUN WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" lol

I have to say I agree with Dana here. Although, I do think she should be including in the planning as much as the rest of the kids are. If she doesn't like what she chose, oh well....don't let that ruin your fun, you know how she is. I wouldn't go out of my way, like Dana said...but do treat her equally to the other kids.

[Pepperjackgirl]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

Yeah, I didn't mean to sound like you should leave her out of things, let her do exactly what the other kids are doing to be involved, just don't show her special treatment because the sting will be double to you for trying too hard if she still mopes along.

And your other happy-go-lucky kids may get to be resentful of her special treatment.

[TuffyCO]

My heart just breaks for this poor girl. She has had to experience a lot of trauma and shuffling around in a short lifetime. I commend you for taking her in and trying to help her get on the right track.

My DD has AD/HD, Anxiety, PDD-NOS (borderline autism), OCD and a few other issues. She presents similar to what you are describing. I am not saying you niece has any of these, just they have similar behaviors. My DD will argue about going to do something until I say we aren't going and then she'll complain we aren't going. She is sometimes the most delightful young lady and other times acts like a whiny toddler. (We also have a 10yo DS who is high-functioning autistic and he has similar issues as well). Our kids cycle through ups and downs faster than Tower of Terror and we have to be prepared and know what to do. Usually with planning we avoid a lot of the meltdowns and problems.

I would first of all find out the things that are important to her during the trip. It may be best if you talk with her privately about this as she may become frustrated if others are interjecting or making suggestions. (I have to ask both kids separately). Make sure to include asking about non-park activities. We didn't realize the first two trips that my DD loves pool time. She would spend the whole trip at the pool if she could. This made her snooty in the parks, because my DH and I are not pool people. Now we plan plenty of time for her to spend at the pools, while still having plenty of time in the parks.

We have what we call "Disney Rules", these are things that although we would not typically do them at home we allow it at Disney. We still expect good behavior, but we are flexible on some things, mostly with eating. We don't worry if the kids have a pretzel or a Mickey bar for breakfast one day. Or if they are not hungry at a TS meal they don't have to order anything. We also often stay up later and shop more than we normally do at home. They might wear their clothes to bed or stay up late watching movies. Again we still have rules, but we bend the ones we can because it's vacation.

We have struggled with souvenirs. My kids are both "collectors" and they like seeking out pieces to their collections. This quickly became whining over getting stuff. This next trip we have had them save all year and are matching up to $150 of what they save. My DD has $215 right now and my DS has $175, so they will have plenty of their own money to buy whatever they like. We have told them that we may (and probably will) buy some things we would like to get them (special shirts, hats etc), but we choose them and if they don't want them, they don't pick something else.

You may also want to find out if there is anything special she would really like. My DD is very into gardening and the Behind the Seeds tour was a great highlight of our last trip. Having things like this to look forward to really helped her maintain control of her moods.

Make a schedule and try to stick to it. With both my kids we have to have a schedule. Don't give her the whole schedule at once though. Say the next 2-3 things you are doing, this allows you to make changes as needed during the day. Try to schedule things in a preferred then less-preferred pattern. If she really dislikes they idea of seeing Hall of Presidents, plan to have it be preceded and followed with something she likes. This is a lot of work, but may help her moods.

Final suggestion, is ignore the behavior as much as possible. If she is sulking and miserable, don't let it bring everyone else down. Maybe let her go back to the resort if you are comfortable with her going alone. Or find out if she would like to go do something else while waiting for the group to ride a ride she doesn't want to. Just don't make her feel like she doesn't belong to the group either.

I'm giving these suggestions based on that she has some emotional challenges based on her life thus far. It's easy to say that you are already taking her to Disney World, what more can she ask for. The problem is if she does have emotional or psychological issues she needs help learning how to manage them. Saying suck it up and deal may not work. She needs love and support and not to feel that the world is against her. Hopefully you will find a way to have a fantastic trip.

[Belle320]

Kudos for stepping up for you niece. Personally, I would not single her out to help with planning because bad behavior should not be rewarded. I suggest having everyone look over a Passporter and come up with a Wishlist of things they would like to do. It helps you plan and it gives them a sense of control. Then be sure to do at least one thing from each persons list. (You may want to set a spending limit.) As for dealing with her grumpy-ness, maybe ignoring will work. My 19yr DS knows how to push my buttons. I have to work very hard at my selective listening, but when I do he tends to stop the annoying behavior. Good luck, have fun planning and many pixies for a peaceful trip.

[OneLittleSpark]

Originally Posted by TuffyCO

My heart just breaks for this poor girl. She has had to experience a lot of trauma and shuffling around in a short lifetime. I commend you for taking her in and trying to help her get on the right track.

My DD has AD/HD, Anxiety, PDD-NOS (borderline autism), OCD and a few other issues. She presents similar to what you are describing. I am not saying you niece has any of these, just they have similar behaviors. My DD will argue about going to do something until I say we aren't going and then she'll complain we aren't going. She is sometimes the most delightful young lady and other times acts like a whiny toddler. (We also have a 10yo DS who is high-functioning autistic and he has similar issues as well). Our kids cycle through ups and downs faster than Tower of Terror and we have to be prepared and know what to do. Usually with planning we avoid a lot of the meltdowns and problems.

I would first of all find out the things that are important to her during the trip. It may be best if you talk with her privately about this as she may become frustrated if others are interjecting or making suggestions. (I have to ask both kids separately). Make sure to include asking about non-park activities. We didn't realize the first two trips that my DD loves pool time. She would spend the whole trip at the pool if she could. This made her snooty in the parks, because my DH and I are not pool people. Now we plan plenty of time for her to spend at the pools, while still having plenty of time in the parks.

We have what we call "Disney Rules", these are things that although we would not typically do them at home we allow it at Disney. We still expect good behavior, but we are flexible on some things, mostly with eating. We don't worry if the kids have a pretzel or a Mickey bar for breakfast one day. Or if they are not hungry at a TS meal they don't have to order anything. We also often stay up later and shop more than we normally do at home. They might wear their clothes to bed or stay up late watching movies. Again we still have rules, but we bend the ones we can because it's vacation.

We have struggled with souvenirs. My kids are both "collectors" and they like seeking out pieces to their collections. This quickly became whining over getting stuff. This next trip we have had them save all year and are matching up to $150 of what they save. My DD has $215 right now and my DS has $175, so they will have plenty of their own money to buy whatever they like. We have told them that we may (and probably will) buy some things we would like to get them (special shirts, hats etc), but we choose them and if they don't want them, they don't pick something else.

You may also want to find out if there is anything special she would really like. My DD is very into gardening and the Behind the Seeds tour was a great highlight of our last trip. Having things like this to look forward to really helped her maintain control of her moods.

Make a schedule and try to stick to it. With both my kids we have to have a schedule. Don't give her the whole schedule at once though. Say the next 2-3 things you are doing, this allows you to make changes as needed during the day. Try to schedule things in a preferred then less-preferred pattern. If she really dislikes they idea of seeing Hall of Presidents, plan to have it be preceded and followed with something she likes. This is a lot of work, but may help her moods.

Final suggestion, is ignore the behavior as much as possible. If she is sulking and miserable, don't let it bring everyone else down. Maybe let her go back to the resort if you are comfortable with her going alone. Or find out if she would like to go do something else while waiting for the group to ride a ride she doesn't want to. Just don't make her feel like she doesn't belong to the group either.

I'm giving these suggestions based on that she has some emotional challenges based on her life thus far. It's easy to say that you are already taking her to Disney World, what more can she ask for. The problem is if she does have emotional or psychological issues she needs help learning how to manage them. Saying suck it up and deal may not work. She needs love and support and not to feel that the world is against her. Hopefully you will find a way to have a fantastic trip.

Excellent advice Tuffy Co.! I too do the not so keen about attraction sandwiched between attractions of my DD choosing. I have found it to work well. I also have told her a few times, that it's a family vacation...and that means we do things that each family member wants to do. This only comes out though when there is complaining.

[emc0n0]

Originally Posted by Pepperjackgirl

Is there anything she is into? There are many not so typical Mickey Mouse things to do at Disney so maybe find something off the beaten path. The hot air balloon ride at Downtown Disney, Disney Quest, Bowling, Planet Hollywood. Maybe ask her to plan one day of the vacation with things she would like to do.

But I think ultimately just include her in all the fun. If the other girls are having fun and you just keep involving her in the activities maybe her cloud will lift.

So far she has not showed any interest in any of the planning. I think she does not believe she is really going.

[emc0n0]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

Yeah, I didn't mean to sound like you should leave her out of things, let her do exactly what the other kids are doing to be involved, just don't show her special treatment because the sting will be double to you for trying too hard if she still mopes along.

A lot of what you said has made sense and I knew exactly what you meant with the original post. Thanks.