This is so frustrating.... About This Page:

[CinderAbby]

Many of you know Lenny works 2 jobs. Well over the past several months, things have been changing at his part time job. Management has changed, policies have changed and they spout they're an ethical company. Well I can tell you they are far from ethical. One of the managers have cut peoples hours to hire not one but TWO family friends, right into full time. One of the people that works there worked his way up to full time, he left for a while but the company wanted him back. The catch? He had to start at part time again so for 2 people to be hired right to full time? Not ethical. And you know those tablet things? There was one kind that was discontinued and discounted pretty heavily but the DM of the store said they were NOT to be sold to cusotmers. They were for employee purchases only. And not only that but in order to purchase the tablet, the employee also had to buy the insurance plan with it. Yeah, again not ethical IMO.

So anyway, how does this pertain to Lenny? To make what would be a long story shorter, they're trying to make Lenny quit and if he doesn't, they're going to fire him. How do we know this? Last night he ended up being 7 minutes late for work and he received a written warning (no verbal warning). He was also told if he's late one more time, he'll be let go. Funny thing is, in all the jobs I've had you get a verbal warning, two written warnings and then you're fired. I'd like to know what happened to the verbal warning and why and how the first written warning is also being considered a final warning? Pretty ethical isn't it?

So anyway, since we know this is basically coming, I have the opportunity to pick up a second job and Lenny is being such a pain in the you know what. He's making comments to my mother about it but yet when I want to talk about it, he's shoving his head in the sand. "I'm too tired to talk about this right now. I'll talk when I'm more rested" is what he said but yet he's not too tired to sit here and play Toontown Online with Abby. It's days like this that I get so frustrated I basically want to walk out on everybody and let them flounder. I cannot keep this up much longer. I have to be on Abby about everything because she just will skip over things thinking they're not important (like yesterday she was in the shower for about 3 minutes - think she did a good job??) I have to constantly remind Lenny about his pills and his appointments and phone calls he has to make. I have to take care of the animals in the house even though not a single one is technically mine. I have to do the laundry, the bills, the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning and hold down a job with the biggest witch of them all that gives this family insurance. I'm the first one up in the morning but the last one to fall asleep at night. I'm sick of being the only adult in this house and having to make decisions that are best for everyone with no input from those that will also be affected. To say I'm stressed out is such an understatement that it's not even funny. Way beyond frustrated too and even talking to you guys isn't helping like it normally does. All it's doing is driving home the fact that my family life right now totally sucks and unfortunately I'm the only one who's suffering for it. No one else is noticing or caring. I keep saying to Lenny lately "yes I know. Everything is life is ALL about Abby and Lenny. Nothing is ever about me" and he still isn't getting it. He thinks I'm trying to be sarcastic when I say I'll probably be the one to drop dead of a heart attack long before him.

I could keep going but it's not going to help me any so I might as well stop there but thanks for listening to me rant.

[Teresa]

Big deep breath! Again. Again.

Okay - manager completely sounds unethical. Is there a general manager? An employee help/complaint line that Lenny can call to discuss some of the issues?

DO you want to pick up another job? What about going full-time?
I used to think no-one else in my family could do anything, and then I stopped doing for them. Suddenly, they DO know how to wash clothes, do dishes, vacuum floors, feed animals, clean bathrooms, etc. Okay, so I have to tell the girls to do it, but they can and do do it.
Does Lenny have one of those pill cases that is divided into daily compartments? If he has to take pills daily, one with Morn, Lunch, afternoon, and evening compartments helps. Set his cell phone or watch or something to go off when he needs to take his pills -and then it's up to him. If he CHOOSES to not take his meds, then he's going to make you angry and sad. Make sure he understands it's HIS choice. I told my DH that if he CHOSE to not take his meds and something happened to him I would not be sympathetic, I would not sit with him in the doctor's office, I would not sit with him at the hospital, and I would not attend his funeral. Guess who takes his pills every day without prompting??
Animals: I know that at least some of them are your mom's. I'd have a family meeting and just say that since there are 4 of you, you feel you should only be feeding the animals for one week a month (or 2 days a week, or every other morning, or whatever). Again, just say "I will NOT be doing this anymore" Make a list of what feeding/watering/caring for the animals entails and divide the work accordingly. Give Abby the daily task of feeding them at least once a day. You may need to remind her, but she is fully capable of taking responsibility for the family's pets.
Teach Abby how to do laundry. Either just have her do her own laundry or have her help with all of it or have her responsible for folding. I know Abby has autism, but hers is very mild from the sound of it, and she is fully capable of following directions. You may have to stay on her for quite a while, but in the end you'll have a girl who can make sure her clothes are clean and neatly put away - comes in handy when they move away.
You have said before that Lenny and Abby like to play video and computer games while you're stuck doing housework. Well, go on strike. No-one eats tonight if the dishes were done by you or not done at all last night. You want clean clothes? Wash them. You want to play on the computer? Vacuum or mop or clean the toilet!

I'm not always the nicest mom and wife in the world, but my family respects my efforts and they pitch in (especially when I tell they are going to!).
Sometimes the solutions are hard to think of when you're right there and very easy when you step back.

Pixies for you! Don't kill them, but certainly make their lives a little less comfy!!

[GATechGal]

Originally Posted by Teresa

Big deep breath! Again. Again.

Okay - manager completely sounds unethical. Is there a general manager? An employee help/complaint line that Lenny can call to discuss some of the issues?

DO you want to pick up another job? What about going full-time?
I used to think no-one else in my family could do anything, and then I stopped doing for them. Suddenly, they DO know how to wash clothes, do dishes, vacuum floors, feed animals, clean bathrooms, etc. Okay, so I have to tell the girls to do it, but they can and do do it.
Does Lenny have one of those pill cases that is divided into daily compartments? If he has to take pills daily, one with Morn, Lunch, afternoon, and evening compartments helps. Set his cell phone or watch or something to go off when he needs to take his pills -and then it's up to him. If he CHOOSES to not take his meds, then he's going to make you angry and sad. Make sure he understands it's HIS choice. I told my DH that if he CHOSE to not take his meds and something happened to him I would not be sympathetic, I would not sit with him in the doctor's office, I would not sit with him at the hospital, and I would not attend his funeral. Guess who takes his pills every day without prompting??
Animals: I know that at least some of them are your mom's. I'd have a family meeting and just say that since there are 4 of you, you feel you should only be feeding the animals for one week a month (or 2 days a week, or every other morning, or whatever). Again, just say "I will NOT be doing this anymore" Make a list of what feeding/watering/caring for the animals entails and divide the work accordingly. Give Abby the daily task of feeding them at least once a day. You may need to remind her, but she is fully capable of taking responsibility for the family's pets.
Teach Abby how to do laundry. Either just have her do her own laundry or have her help with all of it or have her responsible for folding. I know Abby has autism, but hers is very mild from the sound of it, and she is fully capable of following directions. You may have to stay on her for quite a while, but in the end you'll have a girl who can make sure her clothes are clean and neatly put away - comes in handy when they move away.
You have said before that Lenny and Abby like to play video and computer games while you're stuck doing housework. Well, go on strike. No-one eats tonight if the dishes were done by you or not done at all last night. You want clean clothes? Wash them. You want to play on the computer? Vacuum or mop or clean the toilet!

I'm not always the nicest mom and wife in the world, but my family respects my efforts and they pitch in (especially when I tell they are going to!).
Sometimes the solutions are hard to think of when you're right there and very easy when you step back.

Pixies for you! Don't kill them, but certainly make their lives a little less comfy!!

I think THIS is a plan. Defintly have that meeting and stop doing for them. They need to step up. Everybody helps. No freeloaders.

[toddjodybrent]

It's taken some negotiating along the way but everyone does their fare share at our house. . . I load the dishwasher, the husband empties, the boy helps clear the table, etc. The husband cooks during the week--when I work later than he does--and I cook on the week-ends. Does he do it just like I would? Nope, and that's okay.

I work with mostly women and it pains me to see them running themselves into the ground to do it "all." It's as if there some built in need or guilt or perception or something that moms/women have to take care of everything. . . kids, house, and work.

Let's unite and give up that "image" of having to do it all. And, when our spouses and children DO do something--let's appreciate it. So what if the husband's idea of a bedtime bath is a hose in the driveway--the point is that the kid is clean and has learned there's another way to get clean--mom's way isn't the only way.

Hang in there Darlene! Every family has difficult times. I know you'll find your voice and renegotiate the situation. And, a little time to yourself might be a good thing---time to regroup and time for them to miss and appreciate you. Who knows? Maybe somethings will be done by the time you get home!

[buzzspal2]

: pixie:

[JoanneS]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it right now. Try having a talk with Lenny and Abby. Tell them how you're feeling and what you would like them to do to make you feel more appreciated. I've been where you are right now. My DH actually told me I was like his external hard drive when I complained that I was always the one who had to remember everything for the whole family.

I got so angry once, that I put the broom on his pillow. When he asked, "What's this?" I answered, "When I'm not riding it, I expect you to use it once and a while." It took some time, but he does help around the house even though he works a full time job and teaches two courses at the local college. He does the dishes, mows the lawn, and takes out the garbage. Maybe it doesn't sound like a lot, but at least it's more than he did before and you have to start somewhere.

If you don't tell them how you feel and what you want, it won't get better. Good luck, Darlene. I hope things get better soon.

[tkm1005]

Originally Posted by JoanneS

"When I'm not riding it, I expect you to use it once and a while." .

Awesome quote...

Sorry Darlene, but I agree with the others, just be honest and tell them what to do. Passive aggressive sarcasm doesn't get it done (well in our house it doesn't) and it just makes you more frustrated. If you do take on a second job and you come home and nothing is done around the house - go to bed... They have to pick up the slack somewhere.

[OneLittleSpark]

I agree with Teresa completely. Abby needs to learn these things anyhow. My daughter who is learning disabled has had chores since she was 5.

[GinnyMouse]

I hope your weekend got better after you posted this. I think there are some interesting suggestions here, but to be honest with you I’m not sure how effective they will be with people who have gotten used to having everything done for them. I’m afraid it would take more than one threat of a strike, & even then I think the cooperation would probably be temporary.

In my home, I know that I completely spoiled my son & my husband. For years I worked about 72 hours a week (as a banking executive) & still made sure they had home cooked meals & a spotless home to make messes in. (For the sake of full disclosure, my husband worked as well, but he had much more flexible hours & didn’t commute 40 miles each way to his office. And I did pay for someone to come in twice a week to help with the cooking & cleaning.)

I justified trying to be superwoman by telling myself I was blessed to have these wonderful people in my life & taking care of them was a privilege. When my son was a teenager I got breast cancer & I was sick for several months. My family came to the realization that towels don’t pick themselves off bathroom floors & the dishwasher doesn’t magically empty itself. I was amazed at how helpful they suddenly became.

While I was getting well I made some decisions about how I wanted my life to be & it didn’t include smiling when I felt that people were taking advantage of my good nature. I let them know that I expected their newfound housekeeping skills to become permanent. Of course they began to backslide, but ironically, around that time I got sick again & they once again became the cleanest most self-sufficient males on the planet.

Sadly Darlene, I haven’t had the same success as some of the other ladies here. My son is now grown & although his own home is immaculate, when he comes to visit he is remarkably lazy. My husband is a great guy, but he will never understand why I want every room dusted & vacuumed every day. If I said I was never going to vacuum or cook again he’d be fine with it. Harmony in my home is important to me, so I do what I need to do keep my home the way I like it. Fortunately for all concerned, I no longer work outside the home so I have the time & energy to do this.

So, I guess what I’m saying is this: Sometimes people we live with will take advantage of us as long as we let them. I don’t think it means they love us any less &, as in my case, I think by trying to be the perfect wife & mom, we can create an environment that fosters their thoughtlessness.

I’m sorry that Lenny & Abby don’t seem more appreciative of all you try to do for them. Between Lenny’s recent heart trouble & now the nonsense going on with his job, you’ve been under quite a bit of stress. But you sound like a caring spouse & a good mom, so just do what you can do & let the rest of it go. It’s not worth getting sick over. (And so sorry if I hijacked your post!)

[tinker_me_happy]

When they are used to things being a certain way, it will be difficult for them to change, but they won't change unless you ask for help! Men do not understand unless you spell it out for them in simple easy to understand black and white terms. Well at least all of the guys I know anyway. If you do not explain it to them in the most simple of terms for example: I am not going to keep doing all of the things I am doing and I expect you to start helping. Here is a list: ... (then put in writing the very specific things you want and need). Guys don't get subtle. If there are guys on here who disagree please speak up! But everytime I need or want something and I think I'm communicating it with DH or DSs, if it is not crystal clear, they just dont get it and then I realize I'm not getting my needs met, because I have not communicated my needs clearly.
I agree that it is time to stop doing everything for everyone, but it will take time and patience. Teach Abby some responsibility. She can handle it! You have to believe in her! If you think she can't do it, she won't be able to. Wanting to and being able to are two different things! My kids were doing laundry at 6 years old! Yes, with supervision at first, and my laundry was in my kitchen, but if a 6 year old can do laundry, I'm sure Abby can learn to do it too!
Lenny needs to be given a chore list along with your mom. As far as the animals, put your foot down. If the other people in the house are unwilling to take their turn, then get rid of the pets!!! I know that sounds cruel, but if they want their animals, then they need to care for them! Feel free to vent all you want. I finally told my DH that I was done deciding what was for dinner and grocery shopping after about 20 years of doing it. He's been doing it for about 3 years now (but with help from me) and he hates it! It makes him crazy! Now when I ask "What's for dinner?" (even though we both take turns cooking, he has to make a plan) he cringes. I ask him "How do you think I felt doing it for 20 years, along with doing everything else in the house? What a difference in his attitude just having to take over that one thing! Though we both work and both do chores at home, he has a whole new appreciation since I put my foot down three years ago and told him if he wanted to eat that he would be in charge of meal planning and grocery shopping. He didn't take me seriously at first, but after a day of "what's for supper mom. I don't know ask your father, he's in charge." that sobered everyone up pretty quickly!

[Tonichelle]

My mom did all of the chores while I was growing up - still does. I never did the dishes, cleaned my room, vaccuumed, laundry, etc.

When I moved into my aunt's house during college she was horrified that I had no idea how to use the big appliances (I did, but I was so worried I'd screw it up and ruin my clothes/etc that I didn't). I learned how to do it when I was NINETEEN.

To my mind that is unacceptable. I may not like cleaning up after myself, but I have to do it. Even moving back into my parents house, where mom would still rather do it all herself (I have yet to do a full set of laundry since moving home and it drives me NUTS that she takes over. Seriously I'm not a moron, but it's the quickest way to get me to feel that way.), I still try to do my share of chores.

I think it does teh child a disservice to do it all for them and make excuses as to why - mom's excuse is that when she was a child her mom had her do it all (which is true) and she refused to put her children through that - because sooner or later either mommy will begin to resent it or the child will be without mommy and have to learn by trial and error... or face ridicule/humilation/etc... which is what mommy wants to avoid for their child.

As for the man in teh house? My dad has his jobs around the house. He cooks on the weekends (doesn't clean because mom says he doesn't do it right, and he doesn't complain about that) and he's the bread winner (mom hasn't worked a full time job since I was 10). He's right now building mom her tool shed (she does the lawn because, again, dad doesn't do it right - and he doesn't complain lol) and a green house and garden in the backyard...

He got fired from laundry duty when he put bleach in the bleach cup in teh washer... it doesn't all dissolve and so the next load had bleach spots... again, he doesn't complain... and neither does mom...

the house work is 90% mom, but dad does the other stuff... and he helps out when asked... not all men do, I know, but let's not lump them all into these neanderthals who just fart, belch, and leave messes everywhere. I know a lot of guys who don't fit that stereotype.

[tinker_me_happy]

Saw this quote and thought of you... and a lot of other moms too (including me!)
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy." - Robert A. Heinlein

[Huntermom]

Karen, I have to disagree with you about boys needing things spelled out. Both my boys do a lot around their homes and when here never need to asked. If they see something that needs doing, they do it. My younger son actually cooks more than his GF. I am proud of both of them.

I do think all kids can learn basic chores and how to take care of things. It's not always easy letting go of the control but it's best in the long run.

I would have no problem with a 3 minute shower if the child washed and shampooed during that time. I actually would like a child who didn't need a half hour in the shower. On work days, I often am in and out in 5 minutes and clean. Abby's hair is pretty short so she can probably do it quickly.

She is old enough to do her own laundry, help with dinner prep and clean up, put things away and vacuum, feed the pets, let them out and clean up after them. You are doing her no good my not teaching her. It may take a little time, but there is no reason for her not doing it. I'll bet she can follow directions at school. And if you give her a place for her homework and check in a couple of times, that should be enough. She should learn the consequences if she doesn't do it.

When my kids were young, we had step by step directions for chores and hygiene. If you need to write it out, that's OK. You can also give her an allowance so next time she can pay for any souvenirs

[coffeechef]

Growing up.. my mom did the mom chores and Dad did the Dad chores. But once my Mom started working then the household stuff was split more. My dad made his own dinners 5 nights a week becasue my Mom worked til 7:30pm. He got out of work at 4:30pm. He did the dishes, washed their clothes and towels. vacummed the floors. My Mother did the kitchen floor and bathrooms. and the finances. After my mon pased away, my dad had to figure out the things that she did. Growing up, we all had out own chores. I started doing my own laundry by age 10. We all had our household chores, though there were times we did not do them when My Mom wanted them done. I know that Lenny has not been feeling well lately and its easy to just continuw to take on or do all the house stuff. But it sounds like you need him and Abby to start pitching in too. There has been some great advice given here on how to start getting that to happen. Good luck and I hope that the rest of your weekend went better.

[tinker_me_happy]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

Karen, I have to disagree with you about boys needing things spelled out. Both my boys do a lot around their homes and when here never need to asked. If they see something that needs doing, they do it. My younger son actually cooks more than his GF. I am proud of both of them.

Ok, I agree that some men do not need things to be spelled out! My youngest DS does actually do things that need to be done without being asked! It was a generality 'spoken' on my part based on most men I know, including my DH, my older DS, my father, brother, uncles, male coworkers, male friends etc... NOT all men are like that. But we as women are often bad at communicating what we need, generally speaking, and if we are not clear with our men, then they can not be blamed for not giving us what we want. I guess that is the point I was trying to make.
Some women are great at communicating their needs and they get them met. Some men are great at hearing what their women need. It's all about figuring out how to get the message across.