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There is a boy in Scarletts class who is a very touchy feely kid, pushes, pulls, hits, no personal space, etc etc. He spends most of the morning in time out and is just out of control. The mother spoils him I think because he has an immune issue and can get very sick. BUT, he is still out of control reguardless. Yesterday I went to pick Scarlett up and they were playing outside. She was in the playhouse and he ran up to her and slammed her hands in the window. I yelled for him to stop so he went and pushed a girl down the small dirt pile. Scarlett recovered and went back tot he playhouse and he immediately did it again. She was hysterical. The mother just ignores the teacher when she says anything. She has been told about his behavior before.
So my question to you guys is this.... Do I talk to the mother myself? I won't pay for my daughter (who is really a great kid. No probs except with me occasionally) to go to school and get bothered and be afraid of her own peer. He is just so disruptive. I hate to have Scarlett be the one to leave chool when it should be the one who is making the trouble
I would talk to the director of the daycare and not the mother directly. There should be some policy that if a child is bullying another child, he should get so many warnings and then be kicked out of the school. At that age, they should know right from wrong.
I would talk to the director of the daycare and not the mother directly. There should be some policy that if a child is bullying another child, he should get so many warnings and then be kicked out of the school. At that age, they should know right from wrong.
I'd make a formal complaint. Get it in writing so if things get worse, they've got it documented. See if others feel this way too. I think he may need special help, and one way to get that is for the director to make a recommendation that he be tested. Could be much more going on that an immune disorder.
I would tell the director that you are instructing your daughter to push/hit/punch back to defend herself the next time he bothers her since neither the school nor the parent is remedying the situation. I would've NEVER suggested this when my 1st child was young, but after 3 kids each having a variety of bullying situations, that is what eventully worked for us.
I would tell the director that you are instructing your daughter to push/hit/punch back to defend herself the next time he bothers her since neither the school nor the parent is remedying the situation. I would've NEVER suggested this when my 1st child was young, but after 3 kids each having a variety of bullying situations, that is what eventully worked for us.
I was tempted to do that this morning but don't want to do "eye for an eye" just yet. I told her to just walk/run away from him and get the teacher if he bothers her. When I picked her up after school, she said she ran away and he followed her and "got in her face". I just called the "director" (small co-op preschool so most of us just have a certain roll in the running of school. I do fundraiser organization) and she said she will note it in their file and will be speaking to the mom. She was aware that he was a problem (per classroom teacher in passing) but no other parent has officially complained yet besides me. So she said to give it some time (she understood my frustration with class safety) and if it doesn't improve, he will be asked to leave for a period of time. It evidently has been done before with other students. So I can only hope he keeps it up for another week and be done with them.....
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I would let the director and the board know, quite clearly that if the situation is not attended to immediately, you will take action, including withdrawing your child, if necessary. If he's that out of control, I'm sure other parents have the similar problems. You can talk to other parents and see if they will support you, including writing a disciplinary policy if needed.
Most pre-schools will not tolerate such aggressive behavior. And it doesn't sound like time out is having any effect. I would make it clear to both the director and board, that you expect the school to be a safe place for your DD. they really need to take action before a child needs a trip to the ER.
And remember, you don't want you child's first school experience to be negative. If the school refuses to address the issue, I'm not sure you have much choice but to withdraw her. And while I'm sure you put hundreds of hours into choosing this school, there are always other schools. I'd rather a less ideal but safe school.
I am sorry to hear about your daughter getting bullied. Talking to the directer is a good start. Just hope that the little boy gets kicked out. Keep us posted.
Absolutely I would talk to the mom. Now, that is just my knee jerk reaction to your post. I still would speak with her and also I would talk to the teacher and let her know that you saw this, what he did after you spoke with him and that you planned on speaking to the mom. Maybe she might feel good knowing that she isn't in this alone in speaking to the other mom.
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I'm a tad embarrassed to say that a year ago, my daughter was the "other kid" in your story (although not nearly so bad as what you described)! We were going through some things at home and DD started acting out at preschool. Our preschool's policy was that EVERY time something happened, we received a written notice of what our DD did and how the teacher dealt with the situation. (They did not ever tell WHO the culprit was, just that "another student" had hurt the child...to avoid any parental confrontations.) After three notices, she would have been officially on "probation" and if things didn't improve within a specific amount of time, she would be thrown out of the school (but we took action after the second notice).
As the parent of the offender, even though I was mortified, I was SO GLAD that the school gave me the notices!! If the school doesn't let the parent(s) know what's going on, the parents can't do their part to correct the problem. We were able to get DD into a behavorial specialist and the most serious issues cleared up in just a month or so (although we have had several more months of "tweaking").
Definitely go to the teacher, the school director, etc. and let them know what's going on. No person deserves to be bullied and it is important to teach your DD this from a very early age. And if they won't do anything to help the situation, you should really look at going to another preschool, as hard as it is to switch (and find an open spot).
I don't think, however, that you should direct any comments to the kid's parents. People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to matters with their kids and I don't know that you would accomplish what you want by approaching them directly. You may become too emotional, the other party will likely react similarly and things might end very badly. I think the information would be more effective coming from the "professionals" at the school, especially if they can show a log of kids that this child has hurt (if he's hurting your DD, he is probably hurting others) -- they can then provide information on more effective discipline, parenting tips, resources in the community where the family can find help, etc.
Best of luck!
P.S. And for the record -- my daughter also has health issues that make her seriously ill at times, but that's no excuse for her to treat people badly. One thing that I've come to believe, discipline and boundaries are like giving your kid a big hug...it makes them feel loved, safe and secure.
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Last edited by korki-rad; 11-15-2007 at 08:36 PM..
I understand your pain. There is one boy in Andrew's class who constantly is on the attack. I had posted earlier in the summer about children who bite. This was the kid. This fall when school started again he scratched Andrew's face right near his eye all the way down his cheek. To say I was ticked off is an understatement. I had talked to the teachers and director after the biting incident and thought things had settled down. After the scratching I was really in the teacher's face about keeping this kid away from Andrew. It got to the point where I threatened to take Andrew out of the school (loss of revenue for them). I didn't want to teach Andrew to hit back so I taught him to duck and weave instead when he saw this kid coming at him. I've also told Andrew not to play with this child, but Andrew keeps telling me that he follows him around.
Sorry, I'm babbling. I would talk to the director until you see an improvement. Put a formal complaint in writing if you have to. I've taken pictures of Andrew's bite mark and scratch just to back up my complaints. Are there any other parents who have problems with this boy who could speak up? There is strength in numbers.
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Just re-read your post and saw that the mother has been spoken to before. In this event, I think you need to go to the school with some facts. Can you do some research and ask other preschools what their policies are? (Just call and say you are having some problems with your DD preschool and wondered what their policy was regarding bullies...you can also get some good info in case you end up needing to switch schools during this time.) I would almost guarantee that you'd find most allow kids a certain number of strikes and then if the behavior continues, the kid is out. I would tell them that unless they adopt a similar policy, you will pull your child (and your volunteer fundraising) out of the school.
Another thing I noticed in reading your post -- something that they really drilled into DH and me when we were getting the behavioral help for our DD....yelling at a preschooler has zero effect and is pretty useless. If a teacher sees another child doing something wrong, they need to physically go to the child and remove him/her from the situation. What is the teacher doing while all this is going on? Is she aware at all? As a parent, you can't remove the bully from the situation, but in a worst case scenario, similar to what you described above, I think I would go and pick up my DD, then walk to the teacher and tell her what's going on.
I know that when my DD was having problems, the teacher watched her like a hawk all the time. This way, if she started to have a melt down (which is when she would hurt other kids), she could help curtail it before anything too serious happened.
Another thing, DD's preschool has a policy that students may not touch other students...you might also encourage your preschool to adopt that policy, too. Preschoolers need to learn about personal space...that's part of getting ready for kindergarten. Might help get this touchy-feely kid back in line.
Since it's a coop preschool, I would suspect that you *do* have a little more say than in a more traditional set-up. I think if you went forward with not just a complaint, but also some solutions, you might get further than you think....maybe the preschool is out of ideas!
There are two things that have worked for either me or a friend of mine in dealing with a bully in our DDs' class this year. BOth of the things we did was after the child had been warned multiple times. This boy as a history of bullying, since Kind. (all of the kids have been together for the last 5 years)
She had to deal with it before me - her DD actually tells her mom what's going on in school. She, after trying to work with the school - went up the little boy and stood over him, very imposingly, pointed at him, and said in a stern yet calm even tone, "You WILL not touch MY daughter again. It makes me very upset with you. YOU cannot do that anymore - do you understand?" He didn't touch her again.
He then went to MY DD and started picking on her.
I went to the headmaster and the principal (2 different people), and told them that I expected something to be done about it, and as long as it was I would stay quiet but if he continued to pick on any kids in the school, I would go to the other parents in the class and then to the School Board.
If there is a parents' board or school board at the pre-screen, I would suggest you go to them. Every school has a bullying policy anymore. At five, he's old enough to understand that he can't do that.
Also, you could suggest to the school that they start doing something special for him if he goes a day without being mean (a special treat on his way home - like a sucker - the other kids/parents may say it's not fair, but no-one will be getting hurt, so it is fair). Then, after he's being good consistantly, a different prize for being nice for a whole week. Then, a month. OR, you could ask that his mother be required to stay with him until he learns to behave. AND she'd be responsible for his behavior.
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