Need Advice, fast!!
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Teresa · 08-23-2007, 01:37 PM

I'll try to be short here.
My DD, Samantha is 23. Her BF is also 23. HIS brother had been living with them the entire summer. Brother just turned 16.
It came to our attention, through some people we know, that Samantha and her BF had been supplying alcohol to the Bro. Not just a couple of times, but frequently and in large quantities.
We asked Samantha about it yesterday, and to our surprise, she admitted it!! I was always taught, and taught my kids, that you just do NOT break the law. I'm devastated and couldn't sleep last night over it. (it's not the only problem we're having with Samantha right now, but a biggie)
I'm angry that she compromised her morals for her BF. (there are a lot of other things that she's done that if brought out into the light would be at least embarrassing for her, and at most, illegal - she was a good person before she met him) She knows that what she's done is wrong AND illegal, but seems to think that since she wasn't caught it's okay!

Anyway, I'm thinking of:
A) Calling the police and letting them know what's been going on.
B) Calling the mother (who lives in another state), telling her what's been going on, and that I think she needs to monitor her kids better. (her H is an alcoholic, and it appears that at least 2 out of her 4 kids are going that route, also)
C) All of the above

Leaving this alone is not an option. When I did/do something wrong, I was/am punished for it in some way.

Any words of wisdom? I'm so torn and sad.

**Colexis Mom** · 08-23-2007, 01:41 PM

That's a tough call Teresa

I'd definitely call the other mother and let her know what's going on

snoozin · 08-23-2007, 03:23 PM

Definitely a hard decision, but I think 'C'. It is illegal, and they are in huge trouble. I'm not sure if it's a misdemeanor or felony, but particularly if anything happens, it's jail time! You need to put a stop to it, and now.

CinderAbby · 08-23-2007, 03:32 PM

If I were in your position, I would be torn too. Unfortunatley, I don't know which answer to give you. I have the feeling that if you contact the other mother she's either going to deny everything or she's not going to care - especially if her hubby is already an alcoholic, it's an everyday thing for her. As for contacting the police, you can tell them but would they really do anything anyway without any proof? I too, would not let this go, but like I said, I just don't know if any of the actions you take will actually produce results.

I can't be more help, but here's plenty of

to help you through this.

wvugrrrl · 08-23-2007, 04:40 PM

Personally, I think you need to stay out of it. Your daughter is an adult. Her BF is an adult. As a parent, you hope that your kids turn out the way you raised them, but the reality is, at this age, she's on her own. I think that 16 is a very young age to be drinking....and I don't really understand why your daughter or her BF would feel compelled to supply this child booze, but that's a choice that they've made. In my personal opinion, I doubt this kid is drinking such large quantities of alcohol by himself...perhaps your daughter and her BF need to examine their own drinking.

At the very most, I don't think it would hurt to tell this boy's mother that her son is drinking. Don't make a huge ordeal out of it - just tell her that you think she should know what her son is doing, and that you're not in a position to judge. If it makes you feel better, apologize for your daughter being a part of it - although I don't think you have anything to apologize for.

The reality is, your DD is going to do what she wants regardless of whether you think her BF is influencing her choices. She's 23! Speaking as someone who was that age 2 short years ago, I can say that while some of my choices weren't in my best interest, my parents made it very clear that as an adult, I would have to deal with the consequences, alone.

I just wanted to add that I hope you don't think I'm criticizing you as a parent, or for being concerned. It certainly wasn't my intention, and I know that sometimes, seeing something in type, you don't get a feel for the person's actual personality and delivery of the statement.

akleos · 08-23-2007, 04:54 PM

I'm not sure how to counsel, but I can say that there are more options that you might want to consider. I know you are a very caring parent so I'm wondering if you really want your daughter to have a criminal record...? I also think that by introducing the law into this problem, you might be putting yourself at risk for a world of pain between you and your daughter. I woudl suggest that you have an extended conversation with DD and her BF first and tell them that this situation bothers you enough that you've considered taking action... tell her you are hurt and disappointed in her choice... see how she responds to that first. Take it step by step with her, and she how she responds. She might see you calling the authorities as an invasion of her privacy and security, and I'd hate to see irreparable damage in your relationship because she doesn't agree with your motives or actions.

JaimeandChad · 08-23-2007, 05:30 PM

I agree tell the mother but this is not your fault. I agree with wvugrrrl that she is an adult. Treat your daughter the way you treat another adult who is supplying a minor with alcohol. Amd if that is to call the police then do it. Sometimes a tough love will go farther. If you feel like you can't call the police, then at least talk to her and tell her you disagree with her choices only in the fact that she is harming herself by facing prison time.

with this tough decision. And

for your state of mind.

mrsmac2001 · 08-23-2007, 05:43 PM

No advice just

Huntermom · 08-23-2007, 05:56 PM

Before I spoke with any one else, I'd have a long and serious talk with you DD. She needs to be fully aware of the consequences of her allowing the 16 year old to drink, including what she can be held responsible for in your state. You need to be able to tell her what her civil and criminal responsibilities are.

I would also warn her before taking any action. Give her a chance to stop providing the alcohol.

Diane

stretch2864 · 08-23-2007, 08:40 PM

I think I would start with talking to your DD about what is going on. She is still young (even at 23), and she may not fully comprehend the ramifications of supplying alcohol to a minor. She needs to know that she could be held fully liable if anything were to happen to the brother or his friends. That is, if they were to be caught drinking and driving; she could be the one going to JAIL for supplying the alcohol. There have been cases here in Minnesota where adults were convicted of involuntary manslaughter for supplying alcohol to a minor who later died. I believe one was alcohol poisoning where the minor had lethal doses of alcohol in his system. Another case was a drunk driving one where the minor committed the offense but the adult who bought the alcohol was convicted for providing it to a minor. It certainly is not a subject to be taken lightly.

I personally would not contact law enforcment~at least at this point in time. You have no concrete evidence at the moment, and it probably would create a huge rift between you and your DD. I would give her the chance to take responsibility for all future episodes. As far as contacting the mother of the 16y.o., I'm not sure how much that would help. If there is a history of alcoholism in the family, they may not be very open to someone intruding and telling them that there is a problem. You could certainly try, but I think your first responsibility is make sure your DD is fully informed regarding her actions.

Good luck!

**Jookiba** · 08-23-2007, 08:43 PM

Ouch. You definitely have my sympathies. Mine are 15 and 11. The thing about kids (no matter their ages) is they have GOT to be held accountable and fess up to what they've done as well as pay penance for their acts.

Much

for you!

Teresa · 08-23-2007, 10:07 PM

Thanks all for your opinions and sage advice.

I'm still really torn, but since the brother returns to NJ in a few days, I guess I'll just drop it for now.

I do have to say that Samantha knows exactly what could happen. She was raised with us allowing her to have alcohol in Europe, but not here. (the legal age there is around 16 for most countries - every country we entered, we were always cautious to ask the drinking age).
And, - right now, there is a huge thing in Indiana about an ex-Colts football player who was arrested and will be tried, for providing alcohol to his son's graduating class at his house.

I've been wondering if calling the police would do a thing, but of course, you are right - no proof. YES - I would put her in jail if that's what it took. There are too many kids dying and being permanantly disabled from alcohol poisoning.

So, for now, I'll wait it out. I hope they just don't do it anymore.

Huntermom · 08-24-2007, 07:39 AM

Teresa,

You might want to call the county attorney/district attorney office and ask exactly what the law is in Indiana. They vary from state to state. The prosecuting office may even have written materials.

I also know you mentioned your daughter had gotten a settlement for her injury. If she has money, it is more likely that someone could go after her in civil court if something happened. Even if she weren't directly to blame, attorneys will go after a source with money rahter than one without so that a judgement can be recovered. Again, some states have laws that directly hold an adult responsible. Others rely on case law. But either way she does not want to spend time and money defending a suit.

Diane

GATechGal · 08-24-2007, 07:48 AM

I agree with most here, but as the mother of an almost 15 year old, I think I'd want to know if my kid had been drinking. So I think you still ought to tell the boy's mother. Pixies for you all.

Disney_Scarlett · 08-24-2007, 09:06 AM

I would talk to her some more before calling law enforcement...especially if the brother's living situation with them is getting ready to end. Explain to her that now that you know this information, you feel a burden on yourself to stop her from providing alcohol to minors - to protect her, if something really terrible was to happen to the kid, and also to protect the child and innocent people that he might hurt while intoxicated...and if it eventually means you asking the law to intervene, you will do that. Unfortunately, if she still doesn't see her behavior as wrong, she may just hide it from you, instead of stopping it. She is an adult, however, so...there's only so much you can do.

I might would call the child's parents, too. He's still a minor, and his mother can stop him from going to visit his brother and would probably do so if she was aware that they are not appropriate chaperones.

When I was in high school, there was always "that guy" or "that girl" that kids could count on to get them booze - whether it was a mom or dad trying to be "cool" or an older sibling or...whatever. At the time, you were kinda like, "Awesome!" but it didn't take too long to look back and think, "Wow, that's kinda sad and not too smart, and very irresponsible..." Hopefully your DD isn't too far from reaching that age where she sees that.

Most of all:

- I can tell from all your posts you're a great mom and I applaud you for being concerned!