Advice About School & Overweight Daughter About This Page:

[TinkerBelz]

Ok, this is going to be a LONG post - so hang on and thanks for reading it all - IF you get that far. LOL

Well Saturday I had an epiphany in the dressing room of Lane Bryant Outlet with my daughter.

You've probably read all the problems we've had this last weekend with her blood work with a series of other tests, from them making mistakes that caused two extra blood draws; to her having not only tiny, rolling veins, but veins that collapse so easily that they can't use the
vacumn needles - that have to hand pull out the blood. After 7 needle sticks in the the last two days - she turns to me and says "Mom I don't think this is worth all of this". And she cried and cried when they told her they needed one last draw. It's been very emotional for me as I've wanted to cry, but knew I had to be strong for her.

But Saturday we went out for our once yearly "It's time for school and new clothes". Now a few things about my daughter. She's TALL - really tall for her age. Like 5'8" and still growing at 14. She's got PCOS/Insulin Resistance and is about 40-50lbs overweight (she's lost 20lbs since I got my band and all the junk food is basically out of the house). She has a pretty good idea of how much she wants to weigh and it's not skinny as a rail. She appreciates a curvy woman and is goaling to get to size 12/14. She is currently in about a size 20.

Well her dad and I aren't married anymore and he's always complaining to me about what she wears. Jeans and BLACK on her upper body. I don't really give a flying leap what she wears (well I mean, if she were dressing trashy I might say a bit more) - as long as she's clean and happy WHO CARES. But her dad is ALL ABOUT looks and how you "present yourself". His lame way of saying "You don't look good unless you're wearing 'fashionable clothes' and anorexic looking - like me".

Well he's always talking to me about what she wears and how "concerned" he is about her weight. It's more about the "image" she presents to his family and basically I don't care about what his family or friends think. She'd rather spend time with Sam and I, do you blame her?

Well, we have LOTS of talks about weight and self image and here is a lot of self worth talk in the house that has NOTHING to do with weight and I know it hurts her to be bigger than the other girls. I'll never forget several years ago, when she came home from school (she was JUST showing signs of PCOS) and said "Mom, how come the skinny girls can eat cookies and fries for lunch and I eat regular food and I'm fat?" It about broke my heart because I KNOW the struggle I've had with PCOS and obesity and no mother wants her daughter to struggle with this. I went through some major guilt feelings as well - you know - the old "it's my broken genes you inherited sweetheart - sorry you're heading towards a life of obesity and infertility". But I'm over that, because of course I didn't cause it and now I KNOW I can help teach her healthy eating habits and get her help with the IR problems (which we are currently in the process of starting to treat).

Well, we're in the dressing room and she's not happy with anything in Lane Bryant - it's too "preppy" too "in style" for her. We've talked about how when she slims down even more how we'll shop together for hip clothes, etc. (not that I wouldn't buy them now because I would in a minute and pay whatever it took to find them that fit her).

She tells me she's just not comfortable wearing styles that "XXXX would wear" (insert any girl prep from her high school). I ask her why she can't wear those clothes and she says "Because THEY do". I say "If you tell me that you'll wear whatever YOU want and have your own style and you like something in here, why not wear it". And she says "Because THEY do". Then I say "Then you're letting them have that power over you" I said "What are you wearing black for all the time". And she says "Because it makes me feel safe". And she starts to cry and says "I just feel weird, because those stylish clothes aren't made for bigger girls and they make me feel silly in them." And I just start crying. I mean, I'm trying to take away the clothes from her that make her feel safe and thought I knew exactly what my daughter was feeling about herself and her weight. I mis-thought that she had it "all together" in her head about her weight.

Then she tells me how I'm looking so much smaller now and I wear hipper clothes but didn't when I was bigger and that she thought of all people I would understand. And honestly, I do and then I cried and we hugged each other. And you have to know something, my daughter just doesn't cry that much. She's not a typical "fluffy girl" and rolls her eyes at me when I cry at a movie. So I knew she meant what she was saying from her heart and I was glad I FINALLY heard her. She says she's been saying this to me for a while now, but now I heard her.

We did talk about how when she starts slimming down she's excited to buy more stylish clothes - although I do believe she'll be a tomboy for quite some time and won't be heading to any skirts any time soon! LOL

Just another reminder to KEEP listening to your daughters and do whatever you can to help them feel happy and safe. Get them the help they need NOW.

I HAD to get this PCOS/IR under control for my daughter because she needs it for her HEALTH. The normal body weight will only be icing on the cake. Of course as a 14 year old girl, she sees it the other way around - but that's why I'm here - to help her.

I REALLY don't mean to offend anyone, but I feel so strongly about this. We have GOT to, as mothers, lead our families in example and teach them about better health. We are the ones buying and cooking the food, the majority of the time. We OWE IT to our kids to teach them better ways to eat and alternate ways and reasons to feel good about themselves.

OK, I'm done - sorry I was so long-winded, but geez I love my daughter SOOOOO much and just can't bear the thought of her suffering as much as I have. It would just break my heart - certainly much more than taking away her chips.

So after reading all of that - (whew - can't believe you read this far...LOL) - Well she comes home from school today and says she's wants to drop our of Women's Chorus. She just started high school this year and is MORTIFIED to find out that they REQUIRE her to wear a DRESS - that they provide (who the heck knows how it will fit her Plus sized body - and us women know a dress does not fit all body types especially when you are overweight/obese) and that she has to buy from the school - high heel shoes and pantyhose and then she has to buy biker shorts (again do they have plus sizes) to wear under her skirt so when they
twirl around in singing no one can see her underwear. I was SHOCKED. She said the neckline comes down lower than her sports bra.

She is mortified. It all goes back to the self esteem thing and that whole uncomfortable in her own skin. How can the school EVER understand. And I know that we all have to do things we don't like etc. But this goes way far beyond just her being a stubborn about it. She's truly MORTIFIED to have to wear this stuff and yet it's killing her to give up choir but will.

Any idea how to handle this?? I'm just at a loss. I of all people understand how she feels. 90% or more of those girls are thin and are THRILLED to wear a dress.

Yvonne

[disneyxscollectr]

I am happy that you and your daughter connected. That is awesome. As for the choir, the only thing that I can suggest is that you speak to the choir director and ask if it is possible for a "pants" uniform as well. That your doaughter is going through some health issues and that because of them, she is not comfortable wearing a skirt. Also tell the director that you are concerned that with the health stresses and the "skirt" uniform that she will start getting depressed thus adding pyschological issues to the mix.

I am sure that the director will be understanding and does not want to lose enrollment due to a uniform code that can probably be flexed due to the wide array of "uniform parts" that uniform outfitters carry.

Lots of pixies for you and your daughter.

[boosmom96]

Yvonne,
I'm so sorry to hear how hard this has all been. I'm really surprised to hear about the choir dress code. I remember our advanced choir wore dresses, but we got to choose them together and it was a pretty small group. I'm not sure if I would talk to the choir director or not - it's kinda a tricky point.
It sounds like your DD is hopefully on the road to managing her health problems. That's really great news and something both of you should be very proud of!! Her dad sounds like a jerk! I doubt you could get him to change his mind so the best thing may be just to try and minimize the "damage" he can do. I'm sure you try really hard to refrain from bad-mouthing him to your DD, but in this case I'd make darn sure your DD knows that he is completely wrong and to just try and ignore him! Hang in there, I know how difficult it is to raise a strong DD with a healthly self-image. My DD's problems are a bit different, but quite challenging! [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img]

[poohmaine]

No advice, just tell your daughter that all girls at her age, no matter what their size and shape, have body issues . . .

Then have her watch an episode of Monique's fashion show for big and beautiful girls . . . I forget the actual name of the show . . . but boy, she makes everyone fell beautiful!

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[gwugirl03]

It breaks my heart to hear that your daughter is having such a difficult time, Yvonne. As someone who has suffered with a weight problem all of my life, I understand exactly how she feels. It really stinks. I would feel exactly the same way about those dresses. No matter what anyone might say, there really is no such thing as one size fits all or a dress that looks good on everybody. From what I have read about her, she seems like a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. Please tell her to hang in there!! I will be keeping her in my thoughts!!! [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[WDWfan]

Yvonne - Your daughter is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mom! She may not know it now, but some day she will. You are doing an amazing job of raising her to become a strong confidant young woman.

As far as the choir problem. That's a tough one. My kids were in band and choir all through high school and alll the girls wore dresses for both. They were floor length and not too low cut. I was on the committee that helped to choose the new dresses and we really tried to get a style that no one would feel uncomfortable in. The dresses are their uniforms and everyone was required to wear them. That being said, I think you should talk to the choir director. It sounds as if these dresses aren't long (if they need to wear bike shorts under them). Reasonable accommodations should be made.

I know my kids always hated for me to talk to their teachers about anything that would make them stand out, but as a parent you have to do what you think is best. I'd hate to see your daughter not participate in something she enjoys because of the dress. The fine arts can add so much to a child's high school experience.

Good luck! The teen years can be so trying.

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[RobinKay6573]

Yvonne I am sorry that Kassie. I was overweight as a teenager and I had a heck of a time finding jeans that fit. It was a nightmare and I cried alot. My mom would rarely go shopping with me.

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif[/img] for being such an awesome mother. I wish my mom had treated me like you treat Kassie!

I really don't have any advice. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] that things get better.

[GATechGal]

Yvonne, please assure Kassie that she's not the only one that doesn't want to wear certain things because they are too "preppy" (I loved preppy when I was in HS) or because "THEY" wear something. My Lizzie (who is REALLY tiny - a girls size 10 - at 14) is all about finding her own style. Her issue is that most things don't come small enough. But we are working on it and she's working out a style that she is comfortable in and that looks ok. First day of school she had on a mini skirt with leggins underneath and a "Wicked" t-shirt. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif[/img] Oh and she's gotten a haircut too. A good bit shorter and parted on the side, but still long enough to pull back a little bit.
So long story short, almost every one has problems finding their own style. Just go out, be confident (I know hard to do at 14), and most importantly be yourself.

[maggieworkman]

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Maggie

[eff051102]

Yvonne, your daughter is very lucky to have you in her corner. Getting her PCOS/IR in check early is the best thing you could do for her. I didn't find out about mine until earlier this year and I will be 35 in DEC.

I too had the lapband done and up until this year didn't know I had another reason for not loosing weight. Eating healthy is important for our children and they do learn from us.

Keep doing what you are doing...listening, comforting, encouraging, etc. She will appreiciate it for years to come.

[disneyknut]

Oh Yvonne, that is so sad to hear your daughter wants to quit chorus.. I too think you should talk with the director & ask if s/he has any suggestions etc.. explain the situation to them & 9 times ot of 10 they will work something out..In fact, they would have to get a dress to fit her, I believe.. they can't exclude a child from particpation.. Tachers.. am I right?? Isn't that part of no child left behind ( or do I need another cup of coffee to think clearly? [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img])

My friend's daughter has a rare muscular disorder & the Rx for that was mega does of steroids which of course balooned her out.. Her Mom was sooo great with her.. her DD only wanted to wear skirts during her illness & would not put a pair of jeans on.. my friend found a wonderul seamstress who made all kind of clothes in the hip new styles.. so maybe you would want to try that.. no one ever knew that her DD had homemade clothes.. My friend had a lot of one on one's with the teachers. principals etc during the illness & made sure she got what she & her DD wanted.. HEr DD has lost all of the weight & it's so cute to see her be excited over wearing jeans again...

Lastly, yes they do have plus size bicycle shorts.. never fear!

Beat of luck to Kassie.. I've got an almost 12YO son going through some major body issues as well ( doesn't help when his 14YO brother is considered the 'hot' boy in middle school)



[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[TroianRae]

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] for Kassie!!!

I thought she was an extraordinary young woman when I met her in early June.
We only spoke a few moments, but I really enjoyed talking to her.

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[HiddenMickey]

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] Pixies for you and Kassie. It's so, so hard to be a teen. Remind Kassie that everyone has problems whether they look like they do or not, and that she is not alone in her feelings at all.

[Fortissimo]

As a band/orch teacher, I never make girls wear dresses if they are uncomfortable. I let them wear nice slacks and a blouse they are comfortable in.

Not all teachers agree with me. I don't know what camp the choir teacher is in.

So, this is what I would do - I would first call the teacher and explain the situtation, that your daughter is wanting to drop the class because of the uniform. Ask if she'he would be willing to bend the rules for her and others who don't want to wear the dress. I'm sure Kassie isn't the only girl who doesn't want to wear the dress.

If the teacher says no, find out who is in charge of 504 plans in the building. Set up a meeting with that person to write a 504 plan. Because this is a medical issue, they should be able to put her on the 504 plan. In the plan state that your daughter must be allowed to wear a pants outfit for choir. If it is in the plan, it must be followed.

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] for you and Kassie!

[Huntermom]

It's sad that in our society we place so much emphasis on looks. MY DD quit ballet at 12 when the teacher started telling the girls they would soon need duck tape their breasts so they didn't jiggle (DD had no breasts to tape at the time). I later learned that the next year, girls were being told to diet to keep their stomachs flat. It actually made me pleased that she quit.

You may want to talk to the choir director and may also want to talk to you DD to see if it's wearing the dress or the fact that a dress may not be available in her size. If it's the size issues, I don't know why one could not be made for her. If it's wearing a dress period, you have to weigh whether she would be more embarrassed by being the only one in pants.

MY DS2 was a little overweight in high school. He is not well coordinated so sports were a bust for him to get exercise. He got a summer job that involved hiking in the woods and the weight has melted off him. Try to make sure your daughter gets some exercise, even if she swims early in the morning, does yoga, walks, anything. It's amazing how much difference it made.

Diane

Edited to add: My DD is a size 2-4 and hates wearing a dress and only does so under duress. She is just uncomfortable in one even though she has a body to die for if you like the thin, less developed type. With her it's body image, too, only in a different way.

I don't know if she would drop out of an activity because of it, but she hasn't worn a dress in years. She has been able to find slacks and tops that are dressy enough for almost anything. You need to find if it's the dress, per se or the fear about how it will look on her. If she wouldn't be opposed to a nice, well fitting dress, I would press the school to get one to fit her, even if they need to have it tailor made. A high school home ec. teacher pointed out years ago that well fitted clothes are the secret to looking good. Poorly fitted clothes don't look good on anyone regardless of body shape. Finding a good seamstress may be a tremendous help to you both.