Why after 15 years are they trying? About This Page:

[CinderAbby]

This is another semi rant about Lenny's family just to give you warning.

Lenny's family owns a cabin in Maine in Fryeburg. Way back in 1999 and Lenny and I were first together we were allowed, by ourselves, to go up to the cabin. I saw "allowed" because everyone except Lenny has a set of keys to the place - he had to ask for them. We went up, it wasn't the greatest time because he was sick.

A month or two later everyone else was going so Lenny asked his mother if we could join them. The answer was yes. We got there and from the mom we got "what made you think you could just show up here?" I was with Lenny when he asked so I know she said yes. Needless to say it didn't start off well. And then because there was no smoking allowed inside the cabin, the first time Lenny went outside to have a cigarette, basically they all verbally attacked me "what are you doing here? Do you know Lenny has done this? Do you know Lenny has that?" They seemed surprised that I knew everything they were asking about and after that, if Lenny went outside, I went with him. Then after dinner, Lenny told me about a drive in that had up there so we decided to go just to get away from everyone. His family, being his family, said "it's a family drive in, you need to stay in the front seats." There is a time and a place for everything and that is not the time nor the place for what they apparently had in mind. Neither one of us was a teenager and we just wanted to get away from them. The drive in was closer than anything else to the cabin and it was the least expensive thing to do. The next day, we took off and went to North Conway for the day. That was our last time at the cabin. I haven't missed it, I can tell you that, nor have I ever had the desire to go back in the past 16 years.

Abby has never been, I don't even know offhand if she knows they own one, so therefore it's not something she misses. If we want to go to a lake, we have one about 15 minutes away which she loves going to and when we're done, she's happy to come home and sleep in her own bed. When the father comes down, he stays with Lenny's brothers (they own a duplex, one on each side) and we get invited over to have dinner and spend some time with him. We'll go but Abby does her thing. Sometimes she'll stay and talk, more often than not, she's off watching TV or playing with her iPad I allow her to take when she doesn't want to join in or watch TV. I try to keep conversations to things she can join in or listen to but they always change them to either inappropriate things or stuff like politics/religion/etc that even I don't want to take part in with them. And every single time we get together, as soon as the meal is done and cleaned up, she says "can we go home now?" She even puts on her coat (if one is needed) to let us know she's done and does not want to be there any longer. She knows they're family but let's face it, they don't go out of their way to engage her more than a few minutes at a time so to her, they're not family like my grandmother is family. My mother pays attention to Abby - she took her to play mini golf last week. Saturday we went to the movies. Sundays is Abby and Grammy movie at home day. Yes, we do live together but there are days my mother is tired and spends time by herself but regardless, she gives Abby much more than just a few minutes. Even my brothers kids that she doesn't see often she gives them attention by baby sitting them (not so much now the oldest is 17) and by talking on the phone to them a lot. Lenny's family has never ever talked to her on the phone. I don't think they even ask about her (his sister might be the only one who does).

So anyway, earlier in the month, Lenny's brother A asked if we wanted to go to the cabin at the end of the month and spend time with everyone. Lenny said thanks, but no. It's a long drive, Lenny has difficulty walking, especially there where it's not flat terrain, Abby has school, we both have work and in his words "we have everything the cabin has, why do we want to go to Maine to do what we can here at home?" Lenny's sister asked probably a day or two later and he gave her the same response. This morning, we get an email from the sister saying "we've done this and that, you can do this and that. You really should come up to the cabin the last week of the month." There are a couple of problems with that though. 1) Lenny has already told them no - a couple of times. 2) The schedules are already out at work. I know already I work Thursday and Friday nights and Sunday morning. Lenny will have to work all three of those days in the morning. I can't ask for time off because other people already have asked and for Lenny, if the schedule is already done, they won't accept time off requests period. The biggest problem though (and maybe it's just my opinion) is 3) You haven't invited us up in 16 years - why now? Why is it so important to invite us now? I know Lenny's dad isn't in the best of health but I hate to say it, Lenny isn't either. Lenny had problems walking around that property 16 years ago. It was hard but at the time he could do it. Fast forward to now and there are days here at home he has to take a nitro just after climbing the stairs to the bedroom and the bathroom. The cabin in Maine, the land is not flat and there is a set of stairs to get down to the lake where there isn't a beach, it's all rocks. Then you have to swim out to where the boat is moored - there is no dock (at least there wasn't one 16 years ago and I can't see any of his family putting money into one). So if I'm the only one who sees problems with that scenario for Lenny, then it just goes to show they don't know much about his current health. I know he's told them, I just don't think they listen to him.

Part of me appreciates the fact that Lenny's sister is trying to include us, especially Abby, in more things but the other part of me is saying "it's a little too late." For 14 or so of those years, we basically didn't exist and I know I've never been considered family. It was pretty obvious the year we spent that last Christmas together before the mom died. A and E's girlfriends got Christmas gifts from her and I didn't. I was actually the only one in the room who didn't get anything. Even Lenny's niece's boyfriend got something when he made an appearance. Regardless of how they treat (or treated) me, I'm not trying to begrudge Abby the time but she's 15. She doesn't care about these people - she shed absolutely no tears over Lenny's mother and never mentions missing her. My dad on the other hand who died when Abby was 4? Abby says she still misses him and will get sad when he's mentioned. A few weeks ago when Lenny's dad was having those problems and was in the hospital? Abby didn't care about him, she was worried about Lenny and how he was doing. So since she doesn't care about them I doubt she cares spending time at a cabin with them where there is nothing to do but talk. If she's going to spend the time sitting around playing her iPad, then she can do it at home where we don't have to come up with money for gas and food. I could, but at this point in time, whatever I come up with, I'd rather use for Disney where we'll be the following week. But as I said though, they were told no a couple of times and now it's just too late to get the time off (even if I wanted to go, which I don't). For as long as Lenny's been working at Walgreen's (and OfficeMax before that) we've told them we need at least - at least - a months notice and they continually ignore that. Then they get mad at him when he says he can't do something. And did I mention everything has to be on their terms too? There never any compromise - it's their way or the highway.

They just frustrate me so much. I know being mostly ignored is probably minor compared to some families that really have a lot of problems with in-laws. They've done it for so many years that I'm fine that they do it and I do think it's too late to make up for it (at least with me it is). I have told Lenny though - and I'm not kidding when I say it - that if they really want to see Abby and spend time with her, get to know her, then they need to spend time with her at Disney. I don't want to say she's a completely different kid there - she's still Abby - but it's a side to her they've never ever seen and nor will they because they always do and plan what appeals to them and all the "adults" in the family. Abby is the only one who is still a minor so going to these sports bars? Not appealing. Having dinner where they talk politics, bills, etc? Nope, not that either. Want to go to the zoo for her? Yeah, she'd like that and you'd get to know the child that doesn't spend time in front of a screen. Who am I kidding though, some of his family is so self absorbed that even a trip to the zoo wouldn't even be for Abby. It would be me and Abby walking around while the rest of them hang back and complain about all their problems in life while they still ignore Abby and all the fun she'd be having.

I know I could go on more but I'll stop there. Thanks for all that hung on and read everything. As I said, they just frustrate me so much. Why can't they just leave things the way there were. Everyone was happy that way and if they weren't, they should have tried to change things years and years ago, not only 2 years ago when the mom died.

[HiddenMickey]

I think you should feel fine in how you are handling this. You can't go. You all have other commitments.

If Lenny's OK with the status quo then keep it that way.
You have no interest in visiting the cabin, so don't go if you are asked again another time.

I do wonder if there isn't something that will be happening at that get-together that they seem to think is important for you to share in, they just aren't saying it for some reason. Just a thought. If they ask again, reiterate why you can't go (work) and ask them if there is some reason they are so insistant on you guys joining.

To answer your question- Now that family members are getting older, it may be that they are realizing what they've missed out on and are truly making a very late effort.

[cattailmarsh]

I totally understand how you are feeling. My mother & I always felt that way with re to my step-father's family. My son & I were the only 2 people at Christmas not to receive a gift. I honestly didn't care about me but Christmas is for the kids & he should have received something especially since they knew he would be there and all the other kids received several things. Had I known 1) we wouldn't have gone or 2) I would have taken something for him to open. Notice I didn't say we wouldn't have given to the other children bc we refuse to take these things out on the kids. Fortunately for us these problems have been solved bc my step-father's failing health has left him in need of constant care so he was moved from our house to his daughters and usually he is in a personal care home. It was hard on my mom but honestly less stress.

Sorry that was so long - winded but I totally get what you are saying & feeling. Now my son & I are treated that way by his dad's family bc he was conceived out of wedlock. Fine, I understand their beliefs but take that out on your son or me but not a harmless toddler who wants your love & attention. So I will tell it to you as others have said it to me - there are better options for your time & others that love & care for your daughter so uou don't need them.

As long as Lenny is ok with it as HiddenMickey stated just avoid them. But I would remind them that you both need a months notice to be able to secure days off & definitely see if they will share with you why all of a sudden they desire your company. What has changed now - that you are desired company that hasn't been there for 15 years? I'm sure some of it has to do with his dad's illness but not likely the only reason unless it was his idea for family time. You could state that you would have considered the trip if you had enough notice & if you knew why they desired your presence. But since that didn't occur then you can't attend. If you want things to be amicable in the future than just leave it at work requires the notice & that's that. Personally I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hate this type of behavior especially when kids are involved. Hope somehow you find out what has initiated the desire for your visit just for peace of mind. Good luck with the family drama.

[poohmaine]

I agree. It's too little and much too late. I think it's just awful that they didn't ever want to get to know you and Abby-- it's THEIR LOSS. Try as they may they can never make up for not visiting and getting to know you and Abby when she was young. And even if they are trying to make amends, inviting you to something so far away without considering your needs just goes to show you how little they care about anyone but themselves. Bravo to Lenny for not making you and Abby have to deal with them!

[rphstearns]

HUGS!!!! I understand where you are coming from. My husbands family doesn't understand that I have to enter my vacations into a lottery in september and hope they get approved for the following year. So there is NO unplanned trips. And I too am the person who gets no gifts at Christmas or birthdays from my in-laws. And now that my husbands siblings are both divorced I don't exist. I used to at least get acknowledged if I was in the room.

As far as Abby goes what you are doing is right. She has no connection with these people. it seems Her special needs make her very attuned to emotions and she knows her comfort level. So why force her out of her comfort zone? There is no advantage to her or your family by going on this trip.