What should I say? About This Page:

[afr117]

This is a question for anyone who is or who has traveled with friends and family who are challenged in some way. We are taking our daughter to WDW for the first time this fall. She is three years old, very curious, and very sensitive. What is the proper thing to say to her when she asks about people who are "different"? I have heard people say horribly insensitive things about my brother-in- law (who looks normal but has a fairly significant brain injury), and it either makes me angry or sad. So, I wanted to know what YOU would want me to say to my daughter. Thank you to anyone who answers.

[Kruggie]

I have always explained things truthfully to my kids. No fluff. I have found that straight foreward explanations of why this person is in a wheel chair, or whatever the case may be, has always been favorable. For some reason I think that my honesty and explanations have inabled my kids to see people as different, but equal.

I recall the first time my eldest son saw a "black" baby. We were at McDonalds and he said..mommy look! that baby is brown! I said to him yes, isnt she a pritty color, and we examined the difference between our skin tones...for years he claimed he wanted to grow up to be a brown man. He saw this color difference as certainly different, but beautiful.

I have explained my neighbors son who is severly mentally challenged to my sons simply by saying that his brain doesnt work like most peoples do. I dont use words like "damaged" or "retarded". They understand that he was very hurt in a car accident and now his brain has to work differently. They have come to understand that different isnt wrong or weird or gross or scary. Its just different.

Being that your daughter is only three...a great age...one of my favorites. She should be very able to understand and appreciate the differences in people.

[Grumpygal]

I have to say that since you are already wondering about what to tell your daughter you're giant steps ahead of all the people who make the rude comments.

My dad is in a wheelchair and has braces on his legs. He said that once he was in one of the bathrooms at WDW and a little boy asked his dad why that man (my dad) had those braces. The father replied so he can walk better and enjoy Disney World with his family. A simple answer like that can make up for any stares or rude comments others make.

I would just be as straightforward in your answers and let her know that differences aren't bad but are just different.

[Luv2plan]

Thank you for such a thoughtful post. My daughter is 2 and I'm sure will start asking lots of questions about absolutely everything not too long from now. I hope I will have good answers for her that help her embrace the differences in people.

[mrsmaup]

I also like to just be straight forward w/my children. I always have been.

I like to say that "God makes no mistakes". I especially use this as my children get older and "feel sorry" for people. No need too I say, because "God makes no mistakes". These are special people whom God must have in mind for a special purpose. We should instead feel sorry and pray for those who are cruel to others.

Because we are a military family who have lived in many different places, my children have become used to seeing people of many different backgrounds. I also have biracial family members. When my oldest became aware that her cousin looked different than the rest of us blue eyed blonde Scotts and asked me why, I simply stated the fact that her cousin and uncle had ancestors who came from a place where the climate was hotter and sunnier, so God made their skin darker to keep them from getting sunburned. "oh, I see". that was all it ever took.

The first time my son saw a man in a wheelchair w/1 leg missing, he started staring I just leaned down and whispered "dont stare, smile and say hi". He did and the man said hi back. After we passed him he asked why he only had 1 leg and I just answered as truthfully as his age limit would allow. I also reassured him that his leg would not dissapear during the night(as the imiganiation ran wild!LOL!!)

You are doing your daughter a HUGE Favor by instilling this in her at such a young age. I noticed that my children stared and whispered much less than their peers and seemed not to notice, except in teh first few minuites, any differences between themselves and others who may be different than they are. I think they are more tolerant because they were taught from an early age to be so.

Good job!!!

[ElaineM43]

I am in a wheelchair with a brace on one leg and the ONLY time I will get upset is if your child wants to come over and ask me a question and the parents hush them up and wisk them away. I do my best not to frighten a child and I answer all questions age appropriate. We raised 2 of our own that way and never did I regret approaching anybody who had a disability so the children could learn to treat everybody with respect.

Most of the time I have Disney Stickers in my pack so everybody gets a treat, too!! [img]graemlins/love.gif[/img]

[Kruggie]

Excellent point Elaine!
I cant imagine anything worse than hushing your child and whisking them away.

I also love Mrsmaups "dont stare, smile and say hi!". I think that is brilliant!

[disneyknut]

What wonderful answers & very insightful parents you all are! .. My children have lived with my brain injured/handicapped FIL all of their lives so a wheelchair is nothing 'new or unusual' to them & they just see it as an extension of Pappy ..
I can recall one time when my oldest was about 3 & we were in the mall food court & he walked right up to a woman in a wheelchair & started a conversation about the beanie she had on her wheelchair .. The lady remarked that most kids are afraid of wheelchairs & shy away so it was refreshing to have a child approach her.

[Jennifer Fisher]

Even my children who are disabled themselves have questions about other people with disabilities or "differences" as we call them. My daughter has been taught to tell her little school friends (when one of them says something inappropriate) that "God made me special and he made you special too." That seems to stump everybody. She will also tell them, if they keep on, what exactly is going on with her and they usually regret once she gets started because she goes on forever! I think the fact that you are thinking ahead of this is wonderful and I commend yuou on asking how to deal with this issue. My mom is in a wheelchair and has two amputated legs and she also prefers to talk to the little kids and explain things. She does not like it when the kids are hushed and dragged away.

Kudos to you!

[Sam I Am]

My two sisters who are 10 and 5 are both very curious about other people with disabilities. I remember L. the 5 yr old saying that a man she asked in WDW was just like her big sister (me) cause his brain couldn't tell his legs to move (my answer to little kids). Teach her to look the person in the eye and ask what happened nicely. I have actually seen parents drag their kids away from me, smacking them, because the kid asked why I was in a wheelchair.
The majority of persons who are in wheelchairs or otherwise physically handicapped do not mind being asked about their disability.

[Teresa]

I have to agree that the best course is to either have the child ask, or ask for her/him. to assume that you know what happened to someone will only teach your children to make snap decisions. Sam-I-Am is mine, and was injured at 6.5 yrs. A lot of people assumed that she was "born that way". God DID NOT make her like that, the carelessness of a large corporation DID! God just answered my prayers in keeping her alive, and not allowing the worst case scenario to occur. I know I may be re-acting strongly, but I DID have 6.5 yrs. of her being healthy, and for someone to try to "rob" me of those years is a little upsetting.
ps- we have very good friends that are a bi-racial couple. He burns worse than she does, and he is black. My kids also did not realize that they are bi-racial. when their oldest child was born, Sam wanted to know what was wrong with him. She had forgotten that tony is black!

[Kruggie]

Wow Teresa, I never thought of things that way! And I can clearly see how it would be upsetting to have people assume. I dont think I have ever told my children that anyone was the way they are because of God or that they were born that way....if you ask my kids...they will tell you I tend to run at the mouth, so when their curiosity was peaked in such circumstances...they got the whole run down...I dont think I ever gave them my assumption, but rather a variety of possiblities. Oddly at such young ages, they were interested by my ramblings as well and we often ended up in lengthy dissucssions.

I am glad that you reminded me not to because you never know when I could have so much on my mind and not thinking clearly and give a snap response to a serious question. I still have Danny to get through these questions.