Oldest DD just gets better and better (not!) About This Page:

[ripkensnana]

Kids certainly <u>do</u> plan on going out and getting "smashed" on their 21st birthday....apparently its a sort of "Rite of Passage" among many young people. My 20-year-old stepdaughter is already planning on the partying she'll be doing on her 21st birthday - next August!

Unfortunately, a few take things way too far, and in the course of the evening go bar-hopping (in order to be able to be served more and more booze), and expire from alcohol poisoning....the bartenders aren't aware of the amount of alcohol previously imbibed, so serve them....A young Michigan State University student engaged in this type of activity a few years ago, and, of course, died. The news media here were full of it.

Naturally, you can warn your DD about this possibility, but don't count on her listening....she sounds like the type of kid who's going to do exactly as she wants anyway.....besides, at her age they all believe that they're immortal ("That won't happen to ME!!").

I hate to add to your worries, but this is the kind of thing that happens nowadays.

[jimmymac]

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I think your dad is doing just the right thing. Kudos to him.

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[graygables]

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Sorry but the last people I wanted to spend my 21st birthday with were my parents. Maybe that is because I didn't have that great a relationship with the. If you daughter wants to "get smashed" then that is HER choice...again SHE IS AN ADULT! If she wants to be irresponsible that is her choice and she will have to live with the consequences. Would you rather have her go out on her own and get drunk with her friends? Honestly I think she is pretty responsible asking for a designated driver. Just because you want to go out drinking doesn't mean you are an alcoholic [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif[/img] Every once in a while I need a night out with friends and a few drinks. Does that make me a bad person?? On my 21st birthday I went out with my boyfriend and a couple of friends. This is a “G” rated board so I won’t tell you what we did.

I agree with the others about you stepping back and letting your folks (who raised her) deal with this. The fact is she has probably been drinking LONG before her 21st birthday...illegally.

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This is what we don't get...(btw, she's the one who asked my parents to come for her b-day). She says she hates the taste of alcohol. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/ukid.gif[/img] She went to Europe w/ Voices of America (a choral/band group) and talked about how horrible it was for everyone to go drinking. She talked all the time about kids during her CP that were going out and "getting smashed" and how stupid they were. She made remarks to my parents about THEM having a glass of wine with a special meal and how wrong that was. When she started planning the cruise for ON her b-day, I outright asked her if it was b/c she wanted to drink on the ship and she said, "Yes, I want to have my first drink on the Disney Magic". I honestly do NOT believe she's been drinking. We've talked throughout her whole life about our family belief system and alcohol, genetics, and an alcohol "trigger" and she was always on the same page, people who drink are "stupid" (although *WE* certainly never said that) and so on. We honestly thought the message had gotten through. That's what is so baffling to all of us (even 18yo DD who has been caught in a situation). This calculated, matter-of-fact, I'm not sure how many I'll need to get drunk thing is SO out of character for her historically.

I know she's an adult, and I'm not discussing this with her anymore, but I do feel that I would NOT have done my job as a parent if I hadn't said anything. I'll be glad when it's January 1st. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[BritDisFan]

Maybe it's a curiousity thing for her Dawn, I think it's a thing a lot of young people go through. My Dad's motto is 'live and learn' and I think he's right.

For example on my 18th (legal age here) I went out to a club, not for the first time but the first time I was of age and didn't have to keep a low profile and I got wrecked, I mean seriously wrecked. I was not a stranger to alcohol either. When my parents had company I was always allowed a glass of wine with dinner since I was five years old but when I turned 18 I realised I had never been 'drunk'. Yes I got drunk but my friends looked after me and I was not a well bunny for three days but I have never been that drunk since. I remember how I felt for those three days and think never again.

I like a drink as much as the next person, with dinner, in a bar with friends but I know my limit. I think it's a thing a lot of young people go through. Maybe she will get drunk but she will suffer the consequences, I know some people may disagree but is it really that bad?

Just my personal opinion.

Karen x

[Eeyoresmom]

Dawn,

Is there any chance that in the past your daughter has just told you and your parents the things she thinks you want to hear, but may actually have started drinking? I think a lot of kids will tell their parents they're little angels while doing the things they complain to their parents about.

Another thought, on the other end of the spectrum . . . it could be purely peer pressure. Maybe she really does want to hang out with her grandparents, but her friends are talking to her about taking her out and celebrating. They're probably making it sound really good. The 21st birthday is a huge rite of passage for a majority of the kids, and they want to help their friends celebrate too. Maybe she's just caught up in all the crazyness - maybe she'll think it though more clearly as things get closer.

If she does go, hopefully she'll have a bad enough hang-over to make her not want to act that way again.

[Teresa]

Dawn - I planned to go out drinking on my 21st. I went with 4 friends, and we ran up a bar tab exceeding $1000 - in TWO different bars (yep, 5 people drank $2000 worth of booze back in 1987) I have NEVER been drunk since. I still drink, but I know what my limit is.

Your daughter may feel like most kids her age that this is a right of passage. She also may be trying to prove that she can handle it, that the family curse of alchoholism will not touch her.

Glad that she and your dad were able to come to an understanding. I hope that they all have a wonderful time. I love Medievel Times.

She'll grow up and be a good person. It may take a while, but it WILL happen.

I'm still waiting for some of our kids to grow up. Our almost 30 yr. old seems to have gotten the idea in the last 6 months. I'm proud of her, and so glad that we did not give up on her or turn our backs on her when she was doing things we didn't approve of (she WAS a stripper, and got arrested multiple times for things we're not sure about, but sound like she had no respect for her body)

[BritDisFan]

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I'm still waiting for some of our kids to grow up. Our almost 30 yr. old seems to have gotten the idea in the last 6 months. I'm proud of her, and so glad that we did not give up on her or turn our backs on her when she was doing things we didn't approve of (she WAS a stripper, and got arrested multiple times for things we're not sure about, but sound like she had no respect for her body)

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I'm so glad to hear your daughter is doing better Teresa, my sister has been in a lot of trouble in the last year or so, all of the family have stuck by her and she seems to be turning the corner too.

I'm glad you're proud of her [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img].

Karen

[Huntermom]

A couple of comments. DS1 turned 21 on the day of his sister's high school graduation. We went to a restaurant ( a nice family one) for lunch and he was repeatedly asked why he didn't want a drink to celebrate. I was proud that he declined but it was an eye opener to see that everyone expected him to turn 21 and have a drink.

The other concerns Tonya's comments about kids not being straight with thier parents. DS2 lived on a substance free floor freshmen year as does DD this year (DS1's school didn't offer one). When his sister signed up he said there were two kinds of kinds on these floors. Kids who are committed to a substance free life-style and kids that have serious substance abuse problems. the kids who have problems are on the floor because either their parents forced it on them in an attempt to curb their drinking or they volunteered to live there to hide their problem from their parents. Although alcohol/drugs are not used on the floor, many residents return to the floor quite intoxicated.

We share our values with our children and hope they adopt them. Sometimes on the path to accepting them, kids need to try others. Sometimes they find ones that fit them better.

Also consider whether your DD may just like to get people going. She wouldn't be the first young adult to do so.

My thoughts are with you.

Diane

[wheatenwalker]

Many of my older DS friends had BIG plans to go and "smashed" at 19 (legal age in Canada) but most did not- its just something to say. And NONE of them said that at 21- just part of growing up/asserting independence/fitting in/being cool. Sometimes you just have to step back and believe that SOME of what you taught them has sunk in.

[DrDolphin]

I was raised around alcohol - my parents let me have wine from the time I was 6. I didn't drink in HS - never understood what the big deal was (and had fun being a designated driver who still remembers who did what to and with whom - made the 10 yr reunion FUN!!!). I got totally SMASHED on my 21st birthday - and I planned it. And I hated it the next couple of days. I RARELY got drunk after than - not saying I did not drink - but didn't get drunk. I since have gotten cancer - had chemo - and now can't process alcohol and I tell you I get so jealous of people that CAN drink = not saying I would - but I wish I could sometimes.