Crossroads~ LOOOOONG POST
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**disneyknut** · 12-30-2004, 11:34 PM

I am at a crossroads in my life & simply do not know what to do...

As many of you know from reading my vents & my TR my DH & I have been having some major problems & I'm at the point that I don't know what to do or where to turn...

I honestly believe DH is Bipolar & simply need some meds or counseling to get 'fixed'

It is getting so bad here that I am afraid to even have a down day for fear he will start being mean again...
We had a major blow up on Christmas day over him volunteering to work all of the holidays. I specifically asked for him to be off Christmas Eve to spend with the family but he volunteered anyway! The blow up seemed to help & we were getting along great all week but tonight I mentioned how I really wanted to go to see Donny Osmond in concert here in Pittsburgh & Jim replied "I'm not going with you, find someone else!!" & then when he saw the ticket prices he thought I was nuts to want to go..
As most of you know, I've been a Donny fan for over 30 years & I haven't seen him in person in over 7 years & I thought it would be a great time to re-connect with him so I figured heck on Jim, I'd ask a friend to go.. ( she & I were set to have dinner with him the last time he was in Pittsburgh but plans changed) he kept saying it was a lot of money & I was stupid to want to go. That kind of upset me that Jim simply blew my wishes off but he can go & buy a $200 wood planer & think nothing of it!! Jim was always right there with me on my "Donny treks" all over the US & Canada & has enjoyed knowing Donny as much as I do..

I felt upset but didn't show it & didn't say anything about feeling hurt ( that's what's been happening I don't show any emotions to him anymore so he doesn't blow up & get mean )

Well, the final straw happened shortly after our "Donny" talk... DS#1 Jamie got a phone call & a girl asked him to go to a party a teacher is sponsoring tomorrow at his business ( he owns baseball batting cages).. Jamie told the girl he'd ask us.. Jim overheard the conversation & walked into where I was & said "If I can't into work on New Years Eve, he can't go to a party!" I didn't understand what he meant by this... it is his weekend off & I thought he WANTED to be off on New Years Eve ( that's why he worked Christmas Eve) so I walked into the living room & only asked him what he meant by that statement.... did he want to go into work?? He flew off the handle screaming at me to shut up & that he couldn't take ME anymore etc... I have no clue what I did so wrong??? Yes, when he became mean, I reacted in kind & asked if he prefered to be at work than with his family.. he replied no & kept repeating for me to shut up, leave him alone etc..
I will NOT stand for being talked to that way.. in the 13 years we've been together we have never spoken to each other the way he is speaking to me.. & in front of the kids no less... After I became SUPER ANGRY & told him I wouldn't stand for him telling me to shut up he changed his attitude & said "I asked you to shut up because Jamie is on the phone!" that's a bunch of baloney!!!!

I really really don't know what to do.. I have an appointment with a counselor next week FOR ME!!! but after Jim went to work this evening ( it was supposed to be his day off but they called & asked if he'd come in & he said yes) DS#2 said "Why is Daddy so mean to you??" It has broken my heart for this boy to feel this way.. I did tell Brendan to maybe ask his Dad that question (thinking maybe it will help...) I HATE it that the kids are affected...

When Jim is in a good mood he is super loving & fun to be around & talks (& "acts"

) like he loves me but when he's in a mood he's mean & tells me "I can't take you anymore" or "I'm tired of this!" It has gotten to the point where I can't express my feelings at all to him.. & I am starting to feel very 'unloving' toward him ( you know!!

)

Anyone have any experience with bi polar problems??? what are the symptoms??

My options at this point are to stay & simply co-exist here.. talk when we HAVE to ( & maybe move into FIL's apartment??) or to leave & let him see what it's like to live alone.. Jim has no clue where the bills are let alone what to pay.. he couldn't tell you how much is in our checking account right now either.. I handle all of the money..

Another option I've thought of is to go out & get a full time job or even a better paying part time job) & start saving my money in case I do need to leave .. plus I think it will make me feel better.. Jim is dead set against my getting an outside job due to the fact of his wierd schedule.. I would need to be there for the kids...

I have a 'gut' feeling that he is starting to have feelings for someone else at work... My friends tell me i'm wrong & it's just my insecurities over what my Ex did but I can't help this feeling I have ... Plus, I was his affair.. he was still engaged when he started seeing me ,yes he broke it off with her after 3 days of our dating, but he & I flirted for several months before anything happened.. is that what's going on now???

I'm so confused over what to do.. One minute i'm online looking up airline deals to Orlando (If I leave i'm going somewhere I WANT to live) the next i'm saying "It's my house too, I'm not uprooting my kids!!"

Sorry for the long long post..Thanks for listening, it did feel better getting my feelings out.. I also just got off the phone with my friend after crying to her...

any hints, tips, suggestions, pixie dust will be appreciated... I really really need to start making some kind of decision here.. I hate being at the crossroads & not knowing where to go or what to do....

Can 2 people simply live together but not be man & wife?? is that possible???? I think it would drive me insane!!!

statelady01 · 12-30-2004, 11:46 PM

Hi Ann,

I am just really at a loss here because I am afraid I don't have too much advice- just a few thoughts and hopefully, with the support of others and all the pixie dust I know will come your way shortly- you'll be able to find your path.

The first thing I would say you are already doing- the counselor. I think he or she should be of great help to you -not giving you the answers but helping you sort out your feelings and emotions in a way that will allow you to make the right decisions not only for you but for the kids especially.

I think you are very correct in feeling those arguments and exchanges are very difficult on your kids- Brendan's comments are very indicative of that- and I know you want to protect them as much as possible. The sooner you come to a resolution, whatever that may be- the better.

I don't have much advice to offer you just my hugs and lots of pixie dust. I hope this all works out. You and the kids deserve lots of happiness.

And by the way- just a little two cents in here- you go see Donny. Sounds like he might be just what you need!

Keeping you in my thoughts..

lauren-roxy · 12-31-2004, 12:11 AM

I too think you should go see Donny, sounds like you need some time for yourself.
People who are bi-polar have very high highs and VERY low lows. During their manic or high times it is nothing for them to spend a LOT of money. During the low times they are so down in the dumps that nothing you say or do will change anything. The best thing you can do for your husband is try to get him to go to his doctor and ask for help. There are plenty of medications that can help him, but they do all take a while to kick in. I think all marriages go through rough patches, but it's even harder when children are involved. Don't leave though, he needs you now more than ever from the sounds of it. Lots of

and

for you.

graygables · 12-31-2004, 01:14 AM

Ann

to start with. Disclaimer: This could get long and possibly graphic in case anyone wants to avoid that, but it is based on my own experience.

I wouldn't be so fast to jump to the bipolar conclusion. Is there evidence of mania (I mean, lots of grandiose thinking, being impervious to danger, spending lots of money, acting out sexually) and depression (as in, suicidal)? Are there clear cycles of these 2? My 16yo is bipolar and she is what is called "rapid cycling" which means she can go from giddy and hyper to suicidal in a matter of hours (or minutes), but other bipolar people cycle over long periods of time.

Could it be that Jim is simply abusive and you have been "in denial" about it all these years? Or that he has become abusive b/c of some kind of midlife crisis? My ex was very cyclical with being very loving and generous, then irritable, then name calling, deriding me (saying I had a big nose, big butt, telling me I was no good at sex, so he had to get prostitutes, use porn, etc), and in the end, he finally cycled to swearing at me and hitting. The cycle would start all over again, "I'm so sorry it will never happen again"

and he would be "good" long enough for me to believe it. The "end" finally came when he had been looking up women's skirts at the mall (in front of me) and I took DDs and left him there. He got a ride home and started swearing at me. I asked him to stop since DDs (4 and 2 at the time) were there and he kept it up. I put my finger on his mouth (a "shush" like I did for them when they wouldn't stop talking back) and he broke my arm in front of my DDs, I was screaming and broke a plate over his head (he had no damage) and I screamed at DD1 to take DD2 to their room and lock the door, b/c I thought they would be next. He knew he had gone too far and called the doctor for me. He was very repentant and cooperative for the rest of our time together. I subsequently learned that he had molested DD1 on one of my trips to the ER which is when I filed for divorce.

Your main priority needs to be the children and protecting them as much as possible from his "meanness". Do *NOT* lie to them and say things like, "He's just tired" or whatnot. Tell them what is really going on; kids know anyway and lying about it will just cause them to mistrust you. As far as the job goes, I wouldn't make any drastic changes, but you should start siphoning off what money you can into a checking account that is just you and one other person you trust in case you do need to leave in a hurry. Also keep a bag packed and hidden of things you and the kids would need for a few days as well as important papers (birth certificates, etc) that you could get easily.

To me, if he is calling you "stupid", yelling at you to "shut up" and telling you he can't take you anymore, that is abuse, plain and simple and I, personally, wouldn't take it, b/c I have seen where that can lead. In my situation, *I* left b/c ex was military and the military protects their own (lab work and x-ray results were ripped out of my military medical files, fortunately I had everything documented by a civilian doctor, too) and I wanted to be near my family for the impending "storm". I moved out, filed for seperation, and got a restraining order. If anything happened in my situation now, DH would be the one to go...this is *MY* house as much as his and DDs need the stability of being in their own home.

The thing that jumped out at me most about your post was the idea of getting him "fixed". Unfortunately, no one can fix him, but himself. If he refuses to see the problem, there is no getting "fixed". My mom used to tell me to send DD1 to her, that she would "fix" her. The running joke now is, "when are you going to call to tell me she's "fixed"? My mom had to learn the hard way that you don't "fix" people. Until Jim sees that there is a problem *WITH HIMSELF* and quit blaming other people for his situation or behavior, there will never be true healing. Now, the flip side to that is, you have to take a long look at yourself, which is not something I did until much later in my process. I found that I had done things that irritated ex on purpose, b/c if I wasn't going to be happy, he wasn't either. I was a terrible housekeeper and clutterer which drove him nuts. I'm not saying that if I had kept a perfect house he wouldn't have hit me, but at least I could have known within myself that I hadn't done anything to set it off. Ex had been fired from a job for sexual harrassment and I nagged him until he finally made a choice he really didn't want to make regarding the military and I secretly enjoyed the fact that Mr. Know-It-All Army Reserve Officer was "demoted" to an enlisted cook. I used my IQ against him a lot, too, so there was plenty that *I* did wrong in the situation. Of course, at first, I was the injured party (literally) and it took me several *years* to work through the blaming him for everything and learning that I was not as perfect as I would like to think. I had to find forgiveness for him ("not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die") which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. BTW, ex still isn't "fixed" either, he's seperated from his 2nd wife and their daughter has been removed from the home for some reason. He's a miserable, unhappy person and will never, ever admit that he was wrong.

Another thing that really jumped out at me was the suggestion of an affair. I had a counselor tell me once that if someone has an affair, they will likely have another and that if he left a realtionship for that person, she was foolish to think that he wouldn't leave her either. I would not call it paranoia, I would call it a valid concern. If he is saying those things to you, he is clearly emotionally disconnected, and the way men's minds work (sorry, guys, tis true!) is that they are "free" to seek other emotional attachments. It's the whole "men are waffles, women are spaghetti" thing. Men compartmentalize things and for women, everything is all strung together so we can't seperate things out so easily.

You also need a support system. Do you have a safe place you can go if an emergency arises? You need to brief the kids on a password and where they should go if you call with it. I know all of this sounds drastic for some yelling and "mean"ness, but I cannot stress enough the importance of being prepared for him to snap. If he never does, you will at least have the confidence in yourself that you were prepared and could handle anything.

I am having some issues w/ my DH too, mostly he just isn't "getting it" that you actually have to call people when you are a contractor to get jobs lined up, then you actually have to go and do the jobs. It's not that he's lazy, he's a very hard worker, he just has social anxiety and waits for everyone to call him. If he has big lags between jobs, he thinks that's great b/c he can work on his projects at home, but he forgets the little details about, y'know, MONEY!!! Add to that he is absent in the parenting department and I feel very "unloving" towards him right now, too. Then he wants some "love"

and I'm like, yeah, right.

and he doesn't get that either. *BUT*, if he *EVER* spoke to me the way Jim has spoken to you, he'd be sleeping in the barn and I'd have changed the door locks. Mind you, I am a "til death do you part" kinda gal, but that doesn't mean you can beat me up or emotionally harm me or my children.

I'm sorry this got so long and rambly and even TMI in places, but I wanted you to see a different story/perspective.

to you, Ann. It is such a hard thing to go through, it's literally tearing you apart, I can tell from your posts, but you have to be strong for you and the kids and take a *REAL* look at what is going on around you. Try to step back and see the situation for what is really happening.

One of my dad's favorite quotes to me after griping about my mom (that breaks my heart) is from Henry David Thoreau, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them". Men aren't the only ones. Find your song! More

and

You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you negotiate this path! Please keep us up to date!!!

minemoz1 · 12-31-2004, 06:36 AM

Sending you lots of

and

I agree with others here that you can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be. Counseling is the best thing you can do for yourself.

**DrDolphin** · 12-31-2004, 07:21 AM

Lots of

MegglesMom · 12-31-2004, 09:02 AM

I think that seeing a counselor is a great thing for you to do right now. I'm sorry that you have to go through this!

KathyL · 12-31-2004, 09:15 AM

Ann,

Sending you tons of

. I am glad to hear that you have decided to talk to someone. Sounds like a big step in the right direction. In the meantime, take care of yourself and the kids.

KathyL

wdwlovers · 12-31-2004, 09:44 AM

Ann, I am so sorry to hear things are continuing to go downhill. I agree with the others that seeing a counselor may help you make some decisions or see things in a different light.

As for Jim, being bipolar...I have to agree with Dawn and say he doesn't sound like it. There may be something "medical or mental" going on, but from what you are saying I just don't get the bipolar feeling. My FIL's wife is bipolar and I have been witness to a few of her "episodes." She has the extreme highs and the extreme lows, and has wild delusions. It was really bad almost 3 years ago and FIL ended up having to have her commited to the hospital for a two week stay. She's been on meds since, but just isn't the same person anymore. Neither is FIL. It's a hard thing to live with. It's hard for anyone to live with any type of mental illness, even depression. It sounds like he won't be goig to see a doctor himself anytime soon, unfortunately.

You said you spoke to your girlfriend? What does she think? I hope seeing the counselor can help you out with some options and just plain help how you are feeling.

If your kids are asking why daddy is mean, you know it's affecting them. Is he like this to the kids at all? Or just you? The only thing I guess I have to add is that if you feel in danger, or feel your kids are, do not hesitate to leave please. It's better to get out of there than to stay and take what he gives.
Will be thinking of you. Let us know how the appt with the counselor goes.