ART vs. Adoption About This Page:

[Lumieregirl]

A bit of a personal question: If you decided to pursue either assisted reproductive technology, or to adopt, do you mind sharing some factors that led you to your choice?
There seem to be countless pros/cons and ultimately I think it is a decision that comes from the heart, but if anyone is comfortable sharing, I would appreciate knowing how you began to wrap your mind/heart around this choice.

[Belle*]

We did IUI with injectables as that is what our insurance covered at the time (2001). We chose not to pursue IVF as there were no guarantees and for the amount of $$$ it would have taken (assuming 2 - 3 possible IVF cycles), we chose to pursue adoption. And now as the proud mother of an amzing six-year-old, I honestly wonder what took us so long! When I look back on the side effects of the drugs, the trauma of giving myself the injections (not traumatic for everyone, just me since I am scared of needles), the heartbreak when the treatments failed, etc. I wonder what the heck we were thinking?

Here is what I know for sure - you get the child you are meant to get. I now know that I could not have been anyone else's mother but Ryan's. So the infertility treatments, the years of heartbreak, etc were simply what the Universe gave us to keep us busy while we waited for Ryan.

Good luck with your decision! There is no right or wrong answer.

[Disney4us2]

After many IUI with injectable cycles, I went to IVF. I did two IVF's. I got pregnant both times. The first one ended in a miscarriage, which can happen in any pregnancy. The second IVF try will be 11 on December 4th.

Like the prev poster said, there is no right or wrong answer. Just what feels the most comfortable for you. Good luck in whatever venue you choose.

[mickeycrazy]

I agree that there is a different "right" answer for everyone. I went through 6 rounds of clomid (which is one of the least invasive and easiest treatments). My DH and I decided that we would not go any farther because of expense and how hard some of these drugs can be on your body. We have started the process of getting approved for adoption. It has been a very long and emotional road for us, and we wish we would have chosen this option earlier. We talked with many friends who have both been successful with fertility treatments and a couple of friends who went the adoption route after failed treatments. That was extremely helpful for us.

I would be glad to answer any questions I can about either. Please feel free to PM me. I know how difficult these decisions are and how overwhelming it can be.

[JoanneS]

My DH and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years with no luck. We checked with our doctors to see if we had medical issues, but we had nothing that needed to be corrected. We decided against any type of fertility treatment and went with adoption. I had no aching need to produce a "mini-me", I just wanted to be a Mom. Plus, I was a biology major in college and spent a little while in cancer research. I was worried about the after-effects of fertility treatment and what it would lead to later in life. The third thing that led us in the direction of adoption was; fertility treatments will not guarantee you a child. You can spend years and lots of money on these treatments that may or may not be covered by insurance and still end up without a child. Adoption is a guarantee that you will become a parent.

My DH and I have no regrets. We have two beautiful children that needed a home as much as we needed to be parents. Yes, they don't look like us, but that doesn't make them any less our children. Our DD17 came to us at the age of 3 months from South Korea. She's now a senior in high school and in contention for valedictorian. She's a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, she's lettered on the ski team, mentors a robotics team, and was an altar server at our church. DD12 came to us a a child with medical needs at the age of 16 months from South Korea. He had several medical issues, all of which we were able to take care of locally. He is now a budding musician, playing both the piano and the saxophone. He's in the school's jazz band, and marching band, as well as the chorus. His grades are A's and B+'s, and he has a terrific sense of humor and has lots of friends. In short, they are normal kids. The myth that adopted children always have problems is not true.

Yes, the decision of whether to adopt or pursue fertility treatments is a personal one. Only you will know what is right for you. I guess, what I want to say is, don't let someone make you think that you HAVE to try fertility treatments first, even if your insurance will cover them. We didn't, and I have no regrets about it.

[Teresa]

I had secondary infertility, so my choices reflected the fact that I already had a child, and my DH had 2 from his first wife.
We decided we would do Clomid and other drugs if needed, but would not pursue any invasive fertility treatments. I took Clomid for 9 months before getting pregnant, and had Kathryn 9 months later. A few years later, I had secondary infertility again (can that be tertiary infertility), and we decided to go with the Clomid again, but starting at the rate I became pregnant with the first time. We also set a final date to stop trying. We didn't want to be one of those couples we knew who spent so much time and effort, let alone money, pursuing pregnancy that they lost site of their marriage and ended up divorcing or miserable. I gave birth to Lauren a month after our cut-off day.

I think that if you feel you want to parent a child, and you can afford and handle the treatments or adoption procedures, go for it. If you want to go with a surrogate, by all means, find one. To me, the way you become a parent is not as important as HOW you parent. That will have more bearing on your child's life than how s/he ended up living in your house.

[nurse_mom]

I personally have not had any problems with having our own children. A cousin of mine and my brother, struggled for years. My cousin ended up adopting, he was been with them for over 2 years now. They have plans on adopting again this next year as well. My brother is lucky and with help they have 3 girls of their own. However, both were very costly and at times emotionally draining. Good luck with your choice.

[HiddenMickey]

I wanted to put in another thought. My SIL/BIL have fertility problems and decided not to do anything. They also knew that they didn't want to adopt. They decided to just be a couple and spend their time and efforts on their relationship and travel. Not everyone that wants to be a parent, becomes a parent, and can still have a very fulfilling life.

My sister and her husband adopted a three yr old from the Ukraine three yrs ago. My sister, from a young age, just knew that she would adopt. She wasn't interested in having a baby, and felt that her life role was to help one or more children who needed a parent.

[saremca]

Absolutely agree that you have to do what your heart tells you to. I personally would chose adoption, but I'm not you.

Originally Posted by JoanneS

The myth that adopted children always have problems is not true.

I agree. I'm adopted and I'm awesome.

[nalexander]

DH and I started trying to have children in 2000 and then found out in 2001 that I was in premature ovarian failure and that I would not be able to have children of my own. I was given the choice of finding an egg donor or adoption. We talked with my sister and she refused to be an egg donor, so we decided that we would adopt. Our original plan was to adopt from China, but at the time both parents had to be 30 years old and I was 26. We took this time to just enjoy each other and make sure that we really wanted children.

As I got closer to 30 I started researching adoption agencies and then we decided to do a local open adoption. We meet our son when he was 7 weeks and got custody at 3 months. Now we have a wonderful 4 year boy.

I agree this decision is very personal. We decided on adoption intstead of finding a non family egg donor because we knew at the end we would have a child. Both are very emotional experinces with ups and downs. I wanted a child and I did not think that I could handle miscarrying or the egg not implanting.

Good luck with your deciding what to do.

[Ashli]

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

My sister and her husband adopted a three yr old from the Ukraine three yrs ago. My sister, from a young age, just knew that she would adopt. She wasn't interested in having a baby, and felt that her life role was to help one or more children who needed a parent.

I agree with others - only each specific individual will know what is right for them and where their heart leads.

DH and my story is pretty much exactly the same as Hidden Mickey's sister. My 5th grade teacher had a son that she adopted from Korea, and something about the whole process just really struck me and I knew that was the way for me. We adopted DS from Kazakhstan 4 1/2 yrs ago, and never looked back.

[Tricia Davids]

We also went through many years of infertility treatments and miscarriages before deciding to adopt. We stopped short of IVF because we were given next to no chance of it working for us. We also had several failed adoption attempts before being blessed with our precious daughter! She was worth the wait and all the pain and disappointment along the way. There is no doubt that our daughter was meant to be ours! Good luck and pixies for your journey!

[Lumieregirl]

Thank you so much, everyone. A lot to think about, and you've given me some ways I hadn't thought of it before

[debrabrown]

I just wanted to extend a hand and heart to you! I walked the same journey about 10 years ago. We tried to get pregnant on our own for about a year. I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis. We tried IUI for about 10 cycles or so. The drugs, shots, blood tests, ovulation tests were very time consuming and stressful. They didn't work and we were considering IVF. IMHO, infertility treatments are like a carnival ride. Easy to get on and hard to make it stop.

With the costs of IVF and being told we had a 50/50 chance we pursued domestic adoption. That brought us our beautiful and wonderful Abby. About 2 years later we pursued international adoption and Alex came home from Guatemala.

It is a difficult decision. I took my time, talked with friends and just really prayed about it. You'll know when and what to decide when the time is right, Feel free to PM me anytime.

[Disney Dream'n]

After 3 yrs of trying to concieve DH and I finally got to the point of doing IUI treatments. We have had our ups and downs during the process, but I don't regret a moment of it. It wasn't as bad physically as I was anticipating and we were fortunate that our benefits covered all but about $250.00 per treatment.
Last Nov after round ONE we were elated to find out the our tx worked and were pregnant. Unfortunatly at Christmas, I miscarried. It was devestating, but not unique to the IUI procedure. I later came to find out sooooo many pple I knew had had this happen who conceived naturally but never talked about it. 1 in 5 pregnancies will not make it, it really is an incredible/ miraculous process.

Round 2 in March had to be ended because I ovulated too early and missed the window. In May we hit the jackpot. Maybe I was exceptionally lucky to get pregnant both tx, but I know 3 others who all have similar stories.
As I sit here sharing my story with you, I am being "ruthlessly" kicked in the liver (LOL) by our son who is due on Valentines Day.

Adoption in Canada seems hopeless to me. I don't know if it is differnt in the states but with the health care ( free) here and the welfare/ assistence young mothers get, most decide to keep there babies. You may go on the list to adopt and never be picked. I thought about the childrens aid society, but if you want a baby it is very difficult and by and large most children needing to be placed have challenges of one kind or another. This may have been a last resort for us. International adoption was just out of the question due to the cost.

These are just some of the views I have on the different processes and what worked for us. If you have any other questions I'm open to asking, just PM me if you need to .
Good luck to you. The only right decision is what is good for you and your family.