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[Danielle Harmon]

We moved into this neighborhood in November 2009. Autumn and Tommy have never really lived in a neighborhood...we've always lived in kind of isolated places. The only kids they have ever really played with have been friends from class or Girl/Boy Scouts that were their own age.

Now Tommy, my friendly guy, is getting along fine and plays with lots of the kids in the neighborhood. Autumn has also found friends her own age and plays with them. Problem is, there is a little girl (Kindergarten) across the street that wants to play with all the older kids (Autumn is in 3rd grade) and her mother keeps trying to get the girls to play solely in her backyard with her daughter. None of the older girls want to, they ride bikes or scooters most of the time, and this little girl (rightly so) is not allowed.

Autumn does not like to hang out with kids that much younger than she is and has not yet learned the tact to be kind while still saying "no thanks." I'm not saying she has to be friends with every little girl on the block, I know that is not realistic. However, I do wish her to be polite and kind, regardless of how she feels. Today, she baldly told this little girl, in front of her mom, that she doesn't want to play with her, which made her cry, and made the mom look at me like I had raised an infidel.

I want to be on good terms with our neighbors, but I do not wish my daughter to feel obligated to play with someone she is too old to hang out with to keep the peace. Still, she should be tactful and not rude, which I understand can be hard for an 8 year old, soon to be 9. To her, it seems like lying, which of course we have taught her is wrong.

How do I smooth this over and also make Autumn understand that she must be kind? I want to apologize to the mom next door, but Tom thinks I should wait a few days and let her calm down. She was really mad.

I'm at my wits end.

[lukeandbrookesmom]

<sigh> We went through something similar with Luke in Kindergarten. There was a little boy in the class who was just downright mean, physically and verbally, and Luke 'politely' avoided him. One day the sub teacher noticed the other boy trying to play with Luke and Luke was trying to avoid him and she told Luke that he HAD to be friends with everyone in the class. I was not pleased at all. Luckily his regular teacher totally understood and spoke with the sub but Luke was so confused and didn't understand how to go on from there.

I don't believe Autumn did anything intentionally wrong or hurtful. She spoke her mind like any other child her age would. And she is choosing her friends which is what we would want our children to do. You shouldn't feel bad at all about that.

I would wait a day or so and just go over to see the other mom by yourself. She should be able to understand that Autumn is much older and wants to play with girls her own age. I would hope the mom wouldn't want her daughter hanging around older girls. Not that it matters much at this age, but it will in a year or so.

[Laurspar]

I agree, your daughter told the truth and even though you felt bad, she was fine in doing so. I don't understand why that mother would want the older to play with her so bad, unless it was like free babysitting sort of, making sure her kid had something to do. Let her cool off, but don't feel bad, that's how she truely feels, and it's ok!

[Pax]

Wait a few days, definitely. Let the other mother be less angry, less tense about it - that way, you can have a mom-to-mom talk, without either of you feeling like the other is "the enemy".

Then, I suggest you apologise for the hurt feelings, and just ... tell the truth: it's really difficult for an 8-year-old to understand things like "tact", because saying anything but the absolute truth can be too close, for such a young mind, to lying. As the saying goes ... out of the moths of babes.

It's a shame that the little girl doesn't seem to have more age-peers closer to her home, but that's not your daughter's fault, and it's not her responsibility to play "stand in". Honestly, I don't think I'd want my three-year-old to be playing all that much with eight- and nine-year-olds, any more than I'd want the eight-and-nine-year-old kids hanging out with teenagers.

I know it must be heartbreaking to see one's child be lonely, but ... you know, school (even if just for a half-day) is only a year or so away for the little girl, and then she'll be making LOTS of friends who are her own age, give or take a few months. Friends who want to play the same sort of games, and haven't any physical advantage (like being twice her height, thrice her strength, and ten times as coordinated).

Friends who have parents the little girls mother can talk to, to arrange for the occasional playdate, and/or joint picnic lunches if there's a park suitable for that. A group of parents who arrange a weekly playdate, say on Saturdays, and shift whose house the get-together is at so that each parent takes the Host(ess) duties in turn, means that on any given week, the OTHER parents have a day to themselves, for purely Mommy-and-Daddy stuff.

Even if all mom and dad want is a NAP, ha!

[Danielle Harmon]

Thanks. I don't think Autumn was intentionally rude, she is just pretty blunt...like me. I have learned to temper it, but then again, I am older...

I just don't like to see this poor little thing standing in her yard all lonely. I also don't think it is right for older kids to HAVE to play with the younger ones.

There is another little girl just down the street that is her age, but the parents don't get along so the kids aren't allowed to interact...which to me is stupid.

I'll go talk to her in a few days and apologize. Autumn wasn't intentionally mean, but she did hurt feelings and that deserves an apology, at least from me.

[Huntermom]

I think your right about apologizing and I think Autumn should apologize, too. It might be a good idea to wait a couple of days, unless it is likely you will see them sooner.

She doesn't need to apoligize about not wanting to play with the other girl, but about the fact she was rude and hurtful to the other girl (I think I'm reading it correctly.) I'm sure she can understand that it's OK not to want to play with someone but what's not OK is to hurt someone. Kids aren't born with tact, they need to be taught.

I would also see if I can find some children closer in age to this little girl in the neighborhood and maybe offer to introduce this girl's mother to the others. If she's the only 6 year old around, it must be hard for her. I don't think it's unheard of for 3rd graders to play with kindergarteners. My kids grew up in a Non-neighborhood and often played with one another, with a 5 year span between the first and third.

[B.M.]

It sounds like you have a good plan! To speak with her in a day or so and apologize for the hurt feelings..... I agree it's hard for young kids to understand the difference in "lying" and being "polite/tactful". We have been working on that at home for b-day parties- as in not saying "I already have that" when they open a gift! With that said, I'm still kind of surprised that the mom got *mad*, I understand feeling sorry for her child- but my kids get in fights with the neighborhood kids all the time (not actual fights) and say they aren't friends anymore and it's always forgotten about my the next day, or even with in a few minutes - that's just what kids do!

[ilovejack72]

i agree she did nothing wrong . the mom should really understand that there is a big age difference and the older kids shouldnt feel like they have to play with her to keep the peace. but i would go speak to the mom and just explain i would hope the mom understands good luck

[Teresa]

Autumn did nothing wrong. NOTHING. She should not even have to apologize. She tried being nice about it, and the hint was not taken (which is expected with a Kindergartener). People try to make our kids too grown up too fast. It's normal for kids to be blunt with each other - and normal for them to get their feelings hurt.
Autumn didn't yell at her she hates her, or that she's a baby, or that no-one wants to play with her. She just said she didn't want to play with the girl.
At the most, I'd maybe talk to the mom and suggest she find other children her own child's age. I would not apologize. I would not make my child apologize. And I wouldn't address it again - it's a children's issue, and needs to be handled by the children.
Talk about blunt - I am nothing but!

[mousestruck]

Danielle, don't be so hard on yourself, or your daughter. She didn't do anything bad... she's just a little girl who doesn't know a lot being sensitive and compassionate.

Yes, it's a good idea to clear the air. It might be nice idea to go over with Autumn to apologize for hurting the little girl's feelings. Maybe she could even make her a card or bring over a coloring book. As others have said, Autumn didn't do anything wrong intentionally. And she shouldn't apologize for not wanting to play with her, but for hurting feelings. Perhaps you could simply be honest in explaining that she is used to playing with children closer to her age, and both girls would probably benefit from socializing with peers.

Of course you can't control how the neighbor responds. But at least you'll feel better and Autumn will learn a little something in the process. Good luck!

[tkm1005]

I don't know. I don't really think Autumn did anything wrong so I don't know that I would really apologize for her behavior. As someone else mentioned kids say they don't want to play with other kids all the time and then in a day or 2 they are playing again and all is forgotten. I think if you go over in a couple of days it may make the situation bigger than it really is and give this mom more leverage (if that makes any sense). Ultimately I think the other mom isn't doing her daughter any favors by trying to control the situation by asking the older girls to play in her backyard to play with her child. The little girl needs to make her own friends - just as your daughter is making her own friends.

I agree with Teresa - let the kids work it out and stay out of it.

[Danielle Harmon]

You have all given me a lot to think about. I will think on it a few more days and see how things go...perhaps it will all work out. I will have a talk with Autumn about kinder ways of saying "no thank you." She did not call her a baby or say she didn't like her...just that she did not want to play with her. I really think the mom over-reacted, and I do think her daughter would be better served playing with the other kindergarten age girl down the street, rather than a group of 4 2nd-3rd graders...

[Nimros]

No one's at fault here...just one of those childhood things we all go through.

But...just as a thought...maybe you and Autumn would like to talk a bit about how it feels when someone says they don't want to play with you. Maybe if Autumn can put herself in the little girl's shoes, she might be able to respond with a bit more empathy and tact the next time.

Of course, she's really young to 'get it' yet...but it might help in the future as she matures. Just make sure she knows she's not responsible for other people's feelings - just responsible to be as kind as possible while keeping true to her own feelings.

[rescuesk]

No advice, just tons of on it's way!

[Cam22]

Loads of for you and Autumn.