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Old 09-15-2009, 11:40 AM   #1
jagmom08
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What to do about MIL?

Dh's grandma passed away on Friday. His mom is not taking it well. She spent just about every day for the last 7 years with her. So, now MIL wants to get a different job and move to Wisconsin with her sister or something. Dh and I realize this isn't the best time to be chaning her life and all, but we can't talk her out of it.

MIL has struggled to find a good paying job that last few years and her current job has cut her wages a few times over the summer. She has a PT Cruiser with a loan on it and has had to defer the payments, etc. Dh and I are worried that she can't financially support herself, but we don't know what to do about it. I mean, MIL is 58 years old, you would think she could manage her own life. Not that she will let anyone help her. She thinks she is being an inconvience.

She doesn't have any computer skills or anything and she is getting older, so I would imagine that finding a well paying job would be difficult at best.

Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:46 AM   #2
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I hope she gives herself sometime.
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:54 AM   #3
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The only thing I can say is, dh's grandma was 81 and she had a stroke 7 years ago. She started rapidly declining 2 weeks ago, so mil had some time to get used to it before it happened. Maybe that is why she thinks she is ready to make a change in her working and living situation?
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:14 PM   #4
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I have no advice, just
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:06 PM   #5
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Unless you are currently contributing to your mother's support, I think she should make her own decisions and you should support her in them. If you are truly worried that her income is in adequate, and you can swing it, you could offer her some help. My ex and I were barely out of college when we had to begin to contribute to his mother's support. As a daughter-in-law, this was very difficult at times especially when we needed to tighten the belts and I felt, MIL should have also.

Not knowing exactly what her and her mother's financial situation was, she could have been taking on expenses related to her mother. Or if there was insurance, she may be a little better off now.

If she had been caring for her mother for 7 years, she may really need a change of scenery and this may be the best time to do it. She may also feel a loss about what to do with all her extra time. My kids are all now off at school and it takes some adjustment both when they come home and when they go back and they are probably much more independent than your grandmother was.

The best advice I could give you is to make sure you are careful about not making your DH feel like he has to choose between you and his mother.

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Old 09-15-2009, 01:22 PM   #6
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:43 PM   #7
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The best advice I could give you is to make sure you are careful about not making your DH feel like he has to choose between you and his mother.
I am not making him choose, I even offered to have her live with us, but he said he didn't think that would be a good idea. I think we just want to try and help her but we don't really know how.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:47 PM   #8
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Unless you are currently contributing to your mother's support, I think she should make her own decisions and you should support her in them.
How do you support someone who makes decisions financially that are not smart? Meaning, having a car that she really can't afford. I don't mean to sound mean, its just frustrating because dh and I do pretty well and MIL struggles and some of it is her own fault. A lot is just circumstances of getting divorced 17 years ago and basically getting nothing out of it.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:48 PM   #9
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Wanted to add, we want to help if we can, really we do.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:56 PM   #10
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her whole life has been wrapped around caring for others. the past 7 sound like she has been totally devoted to care. she may be experiencing a mid-life crises. two weeks isn't very much time to adjust to the loss of her mother. she could use some grief counseling. as for money, she comes from a generation where women weren't taught anything about money, in fact a good chunk of her life, she couldn't have a credit card in her own name or even a credit history. i'm 57. i had to educate myself about finances and really i'm still trying to learn. she is probably feeling her loss and wanting to be around her sisters. hopefully she will take some time to heal alittle before she moves.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:59 PM   #11
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Grief counseling would be good. I wonder if we could suggest it?
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Old 09-15-2009, 02:02 PM   #12
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Old 09-15-2009, 02:59 PM   #13
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You hit the nail on the head when you said that some of her issues are a result of her own choices. As much as we love family, we do have to allow them to make their own mistakes. There is nothing wrong with offering help, but you can not force her to accept it. As she is 50+ she can right well move to where ever she pleases...she needs support and love, that doesn't include complete agreement, just reservation of judgment. Offer assistance, but be prepared to be rebuffed, and always give unconditional love. If you are truly concerned about her ability with finances, offer to go to financial management courses with her at a local community center or offer to help her work out a budget. But realize that it really is her business.

Good luck...family is always the most difficult to help sometimes.
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Old 09-15-2009, 03:06 PM   #14
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Old 09-15-2009, 03:56 PM   #15
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I guess we just want to see her happy and doing well and when she's not and she doesn't want help, it feels fruitless.
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