Need to vent about MIL's upcoming visit - LONG!
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**KimM** · 10-25-2007, 08:57 PM

DMIL lives in TN. She lives on a very limited income - the money she gets from SSI for raising her disabled grandson. She lives with her sister, so she pays no rent/mortgage or utilities. They also have a nurse (actually two nurses) who are there from the time he gets home from school until he goes to school the next morning. I have the utmost respect for MIL and her sister for taking on the responsibility of raising this young boy. He's 12 and is deaf and autistic and has been with them since 6 months old.

That said, I have issues with MIL (big surprise - I'm sure I'm not alone on this one. Ladies??). She normally comes to visit with very little notice - this time it's a little over two weeks. She usually drives down (10-12 hours), but as she's getting older now, she decided to fly. She booked a ticket flying into an airport that is 2 1/2 - 3 hours away from our house. I offered to pay the difference between her ticket and one that would get her closer to our house, but by the time she let us know she was coming, she had already booked an non-refundable ticket on an airline that doesn't fly anywhere near our home. Therefore, DH has to drive almost 6 hours round-trip to pick her up when her flight arrives at 10 p.m. at night! She also neglected to tell us in advance that she'll be staying for THREE WEEKS - and that she'll be here for Thanksgiving. She does not have the money to rent a car while she's here so she's expecting to use DH's car every day. And, due to her limited income, she won't have the money to pay for the gas.

She has friends that live here, but is not welcome to stay with them as, let's just say, she's burned many bridges in her time. She tends to take advantage of people's generosity and hospitality by overstaying her welcome or doing things people have asked her not to do while staying in their homes. (Prior to becoming legal guardian of her DGS and moving to TN with her sister, she lived here and worked sporadically and lived with/slept on the couches of many different friends when between jobs or apartments.)

She smokes cigarettes and is on oxygen. Last time she visited, she smoked in her bedroom, right next to an enormous tank of oxygen.

Obviously, that makes me very nervous and uncomfortable. - not to mentioned concerned that my house will explode! I'm not wild about her smoking in the house either, but I have to pick my battles at this point. I have asked DH to speak to her and stress that we cannot tolerate her smoking in the bedroom near the oxygen this time.

DH also has a sister that lives here. She is not a part of our lives. Much like her mom, she's burned many bridges - including ours. She has lived with us, borrowed money and lied about everything. We haven't spoken to her in quite a while. She has some psychological problems and has been in many treatment programs, but nothing seems to really help her. We made it clear to MIL during her last visit that DSIL is not welcome at our home and she allowed her to come over one day while she thought I was at work. She claimed it was only for a minute, but that's just not the point! My biggest concern at this point it that she's going to push for DSIL to be invited here for Thanksgiving. DH and I really don't want to do it. She has been jealous of DH since birth (they are 11 months apart) and has unleashed many a verbal assault on DH at the drop of a hat. I do not want a scene on Thanksgiving in front of my parents and a few very close friends.

The final straw - she's leaving on MY BIRTHDAY! Which means DH will be driving 6 hours round trip on my bday and I'm sure won't feel much like doing anything after that!

So, the only light at the end of the tunnel is this...DMIL is flying into Sanford airport - about an hour from WDW.

I'm going to see if I can get my b-day and the day after off. It's a busy time at work and I will have to work like crazy to do it, but it's worth it. I'll be willing suffer through the long drive to the airport to say

to DMIL and then tell DH we're going to spend one night at our happy place.

Part birthday gift, part relaxation after three weeks of what I'm sure is going to be stressful!

Thanks for listening to my lengthy rant. I feel a little better now!

clio · 10-25-2007, 09:02 PM

Liz

Lemap760 · 10-25-2007, 09:06 PM

After that I think you should ask for a week at WDW.

snoozin · 10-25-2007, 09:23 PM

Glad you can end it with a happy thought!

Set rules, up front, and now. Don't wait till she arrives. No smoking in the house, period. No Sil (sounds like we can drop the D there), period. If she can't afford the gas, she can't drive the car. You can choose to pay for her meals when/if you go out to eat as a generous gesture, but only if you choose to. This isn't picking battles; this is your home, and she is your guest. You get to set the rules, not her.

Tell her now, and if she doesn't like it, offer to pay the cost of her non-refundable ticket (it's probably about the cost of your having to drive there and back to pick her up and drop her off!)...

Cheriemek · 10-25-2007, 09:23 PM

It is very stressful to have someone stay in your home for 3 days, much less 3 weeks. Good luck !! Stop here often and let us know how the visit is going.

**Jookiba** · 10-25-2007, 09:44 PM

Teresa · 10-25-2007, 09:55 PM

Good luck. I'd agree with setting rules - but make sure you offer outs. No smoking in the house or near the Oxygen, but set up a small table, chair, and ashtray (even if it's a foil lined dish) in the garage.
She can use DH's car, but no smoking in it.
SiL - not in the house, but feel free to go visit her.
Going out to eat - now here is where I'm always generous. I figure that if someone is at my house and I decide to go out to eat, I should pay for them. BUT - if money is tight, I'd say up front - "Money's a bit tight right now, so while we can go out, no appetizers, no desserts, no expensive drinks, and if everyone could pick something not too expensive, that would be great"

glad you've found a good slant on things. Hope you get that time off, and get to go to the happy place.

**chezp** · 10-26-2007, 02:20 AM

stefffe · 10-26-2007, 02:31 AM

you are so much nicer than I.....because i would have told her no...you were not invited for the holiday....sorry you alrady paid for your ticket but thats not our problem.... and suggested that DSIL could drive and pick her up and stay with her.....etc etc etc.....

i refuse to let anyone bully me anymore....even if they happen to be family. put your foot down.....as long as DH is on your side you should be able to tell her no.

**KimM** · 10-26-2007, 06:34 AM

Thanks for all your support and suggestions. DH and I agree on all these things - before the fact - however, he seems to soften once mom has arrived. I can't imagine, tolerant as he is, that HE won't be fed up after three long weeks. Should be interesting!

BTW...I booked one night at ASMu last night. Haven't told DH yet. We're already booked for a long weekend at CBR in December, so one night will have to suffice for now. DH is off on Thursdays and Fridays, so this way he won't have to take off any days from work.

I just read on allears that Neil Patrick Harris will be the Candlelight Processional narrator that night! I am so excited! We love him on How I Met Your Mother!

**LizardCop** · 10-26-2007, 06:41 AM

**HiddenMickey** · 10-26-2007, 08:01 AM

While she is there this time, you need to make it clear to her that from now on, if she wants to come visit, she has to discuss the plans with you or DH beforehand. Making plans on her own without telling you is more than rude. You could have helped with the plane and you could have limited how long her stay is if you'd had any say-so in the affair. She's manipulating you both and you shouldn't let her do it anymore.

And you do need to set limits in your home that you can live with and stick to them. If she screws up, I'd pay for a plane ticket home....and escort her to the airport in a flash (and tell her so).

Good luck.....sounds like you're going to need it!