Would you let your DD15 go? About This Page:

[HiddenMickey]

I hope you can figure this all out.

I thought I'd weigh in on the mall and meeting boys. When I was a teen we were not allowed to go to the mall at all unless a parent was along. My kids got the same rule and lived by it. Your child may really resent it, but she'll get over it. Just a thought.

[Angela531]

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

I hope you can figure this all out.

I thought I'd weigh in on the mall and meeting boys. When I was a teen we were not allowed to go to the mall at all unless a parent was along. My kids got the same rule and lived by it. Your child may really resent it, but she'll get over it. Just a thought.

I really like that idea! I wish I had thought of that earlier...may have to begin the rule from now on though.

[HiddenMickey]

The parent at the mall doesn't necessarily have to hang with the girls, but they need to check in every once in a while. Even my daughter's friend's parents helped out by being the one to take them sometimes.

[Her Dotness]

Besides, it can be pretty simple at a mall for a sneaky parent to find a vantage point where they can check up on the teens without being noticed.

A family vacation trip is a very different situation, IMO, and also quite different from a heavily supervised school trip. My students used to joke that our high school's trips had more sponsors than students.

I know I would not have been able to resist temptation at age 15 if one of those 16-year-old guys was a hottie and indicated he thought I was, too.

[Tigger71]

As long as you are satisfied that the other family are not 'crazies' like you said, I would let her go. I consider short periods away from us, good for my kids. Not because I don't care and want time off but because they learn to work things out for themselves or find solutions that don't involve calling out to mum or dad the minute things get too hard. We have taught them to think for themselves.

For example -One of my DD's dance friends lost her (and her sister's) passport/wallet on a dance tour. I asked what happened and my DD said her friend freaked out, couldn't speak for ages and by then the group had gone on transport and was too far away to go back to search for the items. It was a major drama for the chaperones to get a replacement and took valuable time off their tour. I asked my DD what she would have done and she said she would have been more careful never to put all her money and the passport together in the first place and secondly if she was carrying valuable stuff it was in a bag that stayed across her body and was not easily removed. I was pretty impressed when she went on to say how she had remembered all my travel tips about carrying money in various places, using hotel safes, 'sweeping' hotel rooms upon checkout and not flashing expensive items in public...yes my DD can travel by herself on planes, throughout airports and on public transport - she is not perfect and is a teen that could make mistakes like forgetting homework and keeping a messy room but I am confident in her ability to assess situations and call me if she needed assistance - even from another state.

Like others have said - only you know your child and if you think it's not a good fit, don't allow her to go. There will be other opportunities for her to travel with friends. However the next time there may not be any parents to chaperone...

[wheezie]

No, I probably wouldn't. When I was 15, I went out of state a lot w/ my best friends family (lots of trips to the beach!) and my parents didn't even blink.

I'm a little more-nervous/sheltering/uptight-whatever you want to call it so no, I don't think we'd let dd go.

[wheezie]

Originally Posted by Angela531

First, trust is at times an issue with DD, and one that has been ongoing. For the most part she is a good kid but she does not always make the best choices, nothing too terrible but an example would be she often tells us her homework is completed when in fact it is not, I only find out when it shows up as a missing assignment and then we have issues about the getting it in for half credit and over the fact she lied to us about having it done. Her other area we have had issues with is boys. She will ask to go to the mall with friends and then we will find out that they are meeting up with some boys there when they said it was just shopping with the girls. I know, age appropriate...but it is still an ongoing thing for us that makes us have concerns about her trustworthiness and her making good choices and whether or not we can even trust the honesty of what comes out of her mouth at times.

.

Having read this-my answer would be a definite no. If you can't trust her "at home" I would really be worried what would happen when you weren't anywhere around. I know teens get into things (I was one of those teens ) but you don't put temptation right in their face and expect them to make a good decision if they haven't made good decisions in the past. (Hope that makes sense-it's early!)

Kids mature at different rates, and it sounds like your dd just isn't ready for that kind of trip.

Trust me, I *wish* my parents had been more strict on me! I did some things I'm not proud of (never arrested, no drugs or anything like that-just hanging out w/ the wrong crowd/boys!) but I just wasn't mature enough to know how to get myself out of some of the situations I found myself in. Lots of regrets!

[Huntermom]

I hope I don't offend you, but I am going to speak out pretty bluntly. I do so from the position of someone who has successfully raised three kids and has worked with many others over the last 35 or so years. Many of the kids I represented I did so because they were starting to have trouble with the law (CHINS)..

The issue is not whether you are overprotective or if your DD is mature enough to take a week long trip with a friend. the issue is you do not trust your DD, who is irresponsible at her job (school) and lies.

In three short years, your DD will be an adult, hopefully in college. You need to address these issues very quickly and I would urge you to get a good family/child therapist to work them through with you. This is an opportunity. I would talk to DD and let her know you do not feel comfortable with her going and why (trust and honesty issues).

There is nothing wrong with seeking help if you have a problem, not matter how small, The problem is ignoring the problem or not addressing it. I had a major health issue and got pretty depressed and anxious. I am in therapy with a great therapist, whom I have known for many years professionally. I have avoided medication and can feel the difference in my mental health, I can assume your DD is not feeling as good about herself as you would like.

One thing I felt very strongly about was kids do not need to "hang out" Kids can be social in structured activities. They both lessen the chance of poor deccision making and make kids feel good about themselves.

Again, my intent was not to offend you but to try to point you in the right direction. Once college comes, you will have little say. Colleges will not release any information to you and I have seen too man y kids who needed Mom and dad to get them through high school, fall flat in colllege when no one told them to go to class or do assignments.

[Her Dotness]

Huntermom offers an extremely valuable perspective, I'd say.

I hadn't thought about the possible future problems arising from thinking that more maturity will necessarily solve issues of irresponsibility, untrustworthiness and dishonesty. Suggesting you consider seeking therapy is excellent advice, IMO.

[bsblady01]

she is 15 let her go she will be in good hands

[Angela531]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

I hope I don't offend you, but I am going to speak out pretty bluntly. I do so from the position of someone who has successfully raised three kids and has worked with many others over the last 35 or so years. Many of the kids I represented I did so because they were starting to have trouble with the law (CHINS)..

The issue is not whether you are overprotective or if your DD is mature enough to take a week long trip with a friend. the issue is you do not trust your DD, who is irresponsible at her job (school) and lies.

In three short years, your DD will be an adult, hopefully in college. You need to address these issues very quickly and I would urge you to get a good family/child therapist to work them through with you. This is an opportunity. I would talk to DD and let her know you do not feel comfortable with her going and why (trust and honesty issues).

There is nothing wrong with seeking help if you have a problem, not matter how small, The problem is ignoring the problem or not addressing it. I had a major health issue and got pretty depressed and anxious. I am in therapy with a great therapist, whom I have known for many years professionally. I have avoided medication and can feel the difference in my mental health, I can assume your DD is not feeling as good about herself as you would like.

One thing I felt very strongly about was kids do not need to "hang out" Kids can be social in structured activities. They both lessen the chance of poor deccision making and make kids feel good about themselves.

Again, my intent was not to offend you but to try to point you in the right direction. Once college comes, you will have little say. Colleges will not release any information to you and I have seen too man y kids who needed Mom and dad to get them through high school, fall flat in colllege when no one told them to go to class or do assignments.

No offense taken. I think your advice is very sound and I agree that therapy can be an excellent option if it gets to that point. I have a BS in Psychology and have worked with and have many personal/professional contacts, some of whom are familiar with DD. I have discussed the idea of therapy with DD in the past and she really does not want to go. I know it is ultimately not her decision but I do not think we are at a point where I need to force her. I think it would be helpful for her but it is not critical.

To give a little more background, DD has been evaluated by a neuropsychologist and was diagnosed with a severe learning disability in reading/writing and to a lesser degree in math. This was at the end of 3rd grade. She had been in public school K-half of 2nd and then we pulled her out due to the teachers wanting her medicated, believing she had ADD. DD at that time was beginning to hate school and did not agree with or like how the teachers were saying she "had ADD" and given my background, this terrified me...the thought of a child hating school in 2nd grade. Where would it lead to if she hated school already...not college. Higher education is very important in our family, DH has an MBA, and many of her aunts/uncles have at least masters or PhD's, so hating school is not an option. At that time I stopped working in social services and began homeschooling her. We "unschooled" the rest of 2nd grade to take the pressure off her and kind of reset, then began curriculum in 3rd grade. After working closely with her I realized she was not reading properly and was really struggling, we did the evaluation. The results showed that she had both phonological and dyslexic tendencies. At the end of 3rd grade I was told she was basically starting from scratch, she knew the letters and the sounds they made individually, but that was it. The interesting part was that although she was around 2yrs delayed in her reading abilities, her reading comprehension was 2yrs advanced (at a 5th grade level), her auditory learning was her strength. She was also in the 90th percentile for problem solving. I was told that she is smart enough that when she realizes she cannot do something she just doesn't waste her time, she disengages, which is why her teachers believed she had ADD because she would only complete 10% of her desk work and then would look out the window, or be excused to go to the bathroom. It was being confused for lack of attention. We ended up homeschooling through 5th grade, and when DD expressed interest in going to a regular HS, we though it best to begin in middle school in order for her to adjust and knowing she would need an IEP. She just finished 9th grade, which she completed without an IEP as she was dropped because she is age appropriate in all skills, although I think she still has to work very hard to get those results.

Our problem isn't with her character, we know that she is a good kid and for the most part, she makes the right choices. I think a lot of this is a result of her history. There is some self esteem issues for sure, that programming from her early years of public school feeling like there was something wrong with her, and feelings of being "not smart" although it truly is not the case. We are also dealing with her instinct of "if she doesn't get it quickly, she disengages" complicated with strong social pulls of HS. Her grades currently are in the mostly C+ to B+ range, but they are there because she will have a lot of A's and then F's for missing assignments and that pulls her average down. Her friends are good kids, most are in AP classes themselves, it is just that they finish their work more quickly and then want to "chat" or facetime with DD and if she is not finished she lets it go. That is where the lying comes in, because she wants to make us happy, she tells us it is finished and deals with it later. Her lies are for trivial nonsense, not serious things. I just do not have any tolerance for any lying. Which is why I'm here looking for advice. I want to see if it is just me being over critical with my expectations of a teen or is my thinking sound. I think these privileges need to be earned, by working to your fullest potential, not lazily squeaking by. I do also feel her maturity is at a slower rate and I think she is dealing with insecurities of not feeling smart so she feels like she need to at least be the fun, popular one, and DH & I keep trying to push her to do her work first, then play.

I have had conversations with her, and will be doing so again next week for the start of summer. My feelings are that she gets next school year to pull it together academically. I am not so tough that she has to have all A's I just cannot tolerate not completing assignments or turning them in late and having that impact the overall class grade. As long as she is actually trying and finishing her schoolwork then I am fine, and don't lie and say it is done when it's not in order to use technology. If this doesn't happen, then therapy is not optional any longer, I will make her go to work these issues out. She was on honor roll in middle school so I know she has the ability to do that level of work.

I do really value the advice and opinions of other moms, so thank you. It helps me to know if I am on the right track or not with her.

[Angela531]

The way I see it I have two options:

1) Tell her she has not earned this privilege, due to her grades and the fact that this whole school year we had the issues of untrustworthiness and honesty and explain that she will have the opportunity for these kinds of things in the future and if she wants to be eligible to go she will have to keep up her responsibilities.

2) Let her go, but explain why we have our reservations, and let her know this will be the last privilege she will get if things do not improve next year.

I can see the pro's and con's for both outcomes...that is why it is so hard.

[HiddenMickey]

I'm wondering why she continues to lie about not getting things done. Have you expressed to her that you'd be happier knowing that she actually didn't finish something than to have her lie about it and find out later that she didn't? Make sure she knows that you can't help her if you don't know what's going on.

She is not the only child in her classes doing that, believe me. Ask any teacher how many kids don't turn in work or don't finish it every time and I'd bet they'd tell you there were plenty of kids like her. Even my really organized daughter fell down on the job once in a while in HS and it's frustrating no doubt. But, she also didn't lie about those things because she knew she could tell me without my getting all bent out of shape (not to say this is your case).

[Angela531]

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

Your explanation helps to understand her a bit. I still think she seems to have it together enough to take this trip. I think making sure you and the other parents are on the same page about behavioral expectations will ease your mind. So do make time to talk with other families before deciding.

I'm wondering why she continues to lie about not getting things done. Have you expressed to her that you'd be happier knowing that she actually didn't finish something than to have her lie about it and find out later that she didn't? Make sure she knows that you can't help her if you don't know what's going on.

She is not the only child in her classes doing that, believe me. Ask any teacher how many kids don't turn in work or don't finish it every time and I'd bet they'd tell you there were plenty of kids like her. Even my really organized daughter fell down on the job once in a while in HS and it's frustrating no doubt. But, she also didn't lie about those things because she knew she could tell me without my getting all bent out of shape (not to say this is your case).

Thank you! That is the part that still baffles me...why she lies when she knows I will eventually find out. I do get bent out of shape at times but it is not because it was not completed, it is mostly because of how she handled it and the fact that she hasn't learned not to do it in the first place since we've been down this road SO many times. I really don't have a problem if it is a once in awhile honest mistake, it's when I see the teacher's load a bunch of backlogged assignments and she is missing 5-6, when I though she had an A it then drops to a C. I just don't want these choices to limit her college options or bad habits to follow her there once she goes.

One other tidbit, I have also delayed her taking driver's ed, for these same kind of reasons...it's a privilege that is earned, not given. Also, because with her shaky grades/homework habits I'm concerned that she may cause insurance rates to go up a lot. Here you get better rates if your student driver is a B or better GPA. I'm also concerned of adding yet another potential social distraction. I told her she did not earn it for this summer, that she can take it next year at 16 if she pulls it together. Needless to say, she was quite unhappy about that as well...I'm the worst mom EVER!

I think the driver's ed thing is also contributing to my confusion, I don't want to be too strict and push her to the point where she feels she just cannot win and give up completely. I am thinking to let her go. I left a phone message for the other mom asking her to call back for some clarifications on some questions. I'll hear her out and then decide after talking to DH...who is having all the same mixed thoughts about the situation too. Thank God my DD10 is so easy going and has a lot of self motivation to do her homework and get good grades. I think she got her sister's motivation along with her own.

[krisk11]

After having read your post on reasons why you have trust issues with your dd I say it would be best not to let her go. You can use this as a learning experience for your dd in that if she had been more mature and not lied in the past regarding school work and trips to the mall then you would have been more trusting of her and let her go and that she should work harder on earning your trust. My dd just finished her freshman year in college and I watched alot of her fellow freshman no handle the freedom well. You need to make sure she has it together before heading off to college where all the freedom lies and there are many pitfalls to fall into.