Advice for finding and keeping the peace - Page 2 - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
As of January 1, 2019, we have closed our forums. This is a decision we did not come to lightly, but it is necessary. The software our forums run on is just too out-of-date and it poses a significant security risk. The server software itself must be updated, and it cannot be without removing the forums.
So it is with a heavy heart that we say goodbye to our long-running forums. They came online in 2000 and brought together so many wonderful Disney fans. We had friendships form, careers launch, couples marry, children born ... all because of this amazing community.
Thank you to each of you who were a part of this community. You made it possible.
And a very special thank you to our Guides (moderators), past and present, who kept our forums a happy place to be. You are the glue that held everything together, and we are forever grateful to you. Thank you aliceinwdw, Caldercup, MrsM, WillCAD, Fortissimo, GingerJ, HiddenMickey, CRCrazy, Eeyoresmom, disneyknut, disneydani, Cam22, chezp, WDWfan, Luvsun, KMB733, rescuesk, OhToodles!, Colexis Mom, lfredsbo, HiddenMickey, DrDolphin, DopeyGirl, duck addict, Disneybine, PixieMichele, Sandra Bostwick, Eeyore Tattoo, DyanKJ130, Suzy Q'Disney, LilMarcieMouse, AllisonG, Belle*, Chrissi, Brant, DawnDenise, Crystalloubear, Disneymom9092, FanOfMickey, Goofy4Goofy, GoofyMom, Home4us123, iamgrumpy, ilovedisney247, Jennifer2003, Jenny Pooh, KrisLuvsDisney, Ladyt, Laughaholic88, LauraBelle Hime, Lilianna, LizardCop, Loobyoxlip, lukeandbrooksmom, marisag, michnash, MickeyMAC, OffKilter_Lynn, PamelaK, Poor_Eeyore, ripkensnana, RobDVC, SHEANA1226, Shell of the South, snoozin, Statelady01, Tara O'Hara, tigger22, Tink and Co., Tinkerbelz, WDWJAMBA, wdwlovers, Wendyismyname, whoSEZ, WildforWD, and WvuGrrrl. You made the magic.
We want to personally thank Sara Varney, who coordinated our community for many years (among so many other things she did for us), and Cheryl Pendry, our Message Board Manager who helped train our Guides, and Ginger Jabour, who helped us with the PassPorter-specific forums and Live! Guides. Thank you for your time, energy, and enthusiasm. You made it all happen.
There are other changes as well.
Why? Well, the world has changed. And change with it, we must. The lyrics to "We Go On" for IllumiNations say it best:
We go on to the joy and through the tears
We go on to discover new frontiers
Moving on with the current of the years.
We go on
Moving forward now as one
Moving on with a spirit born to run
Ever on with each rising sun.
To a new day, we go on.
It's time to move on and move forward.
PassPorter is a small business, and for many years it supported our family. But the world changed, print books took a backseat to the Internet, and for a long time now it has been unable to make ends meet. We've had to find new ways to support our family, which means new careers and less and less time available to devote to our first baby, PassPorter.
But eventually, we must move on and move forward. It is the right thing to do.
So we are retiring this newsletter, as we simply cannot keep up with it. Many thanks to Mouse Fan Travel who supported it all these years, to All Ears and MousePlanet who helped us with news, to our many article contributors, and -- most importantly -- to Sara Varney who edited our newsletter so wonderfully for years and years.
And we are no longer charging for the Live Guides. If you have a subscription, it's yours to keep for the lifetime of the Live Guides at no additional cost. The Live Guides will stay online, barring server issues and technical problems, for all of 2019.
That said, PassPorter is not going away. Most of the resources will remain online for as long as we can support them, and after that we will find ways to make whatever we can available. PassPorter means a great deal to us, and to many of you, and we will do our best to keep it alive in whatever way we can. Our server costs are high, and they'll need to come out of our pockets, so in the future you can expect some changes so we can bring those costs down.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your amazing support over the years. Without you, there's no way us little guys could have made something like this happen and given the "big guys" a run for their money. PassPorter was consistently the #3 guidebook after the Unofficial and Official guides, which was really unheard of for such a small company to do. We ROCKED it thanks to you and your support and love!
If you miss us, you can still find some of us online. Sara started a new blog at DisneyParkPrincess.com -- I strongly urge you to visit and get on her mailing list. She IS the Disney park princess and knows Disney backward and forward. And I am blogging as well at JenniferMaker.com, which is a little craft blog I started a couple of years ago to make ends meet. You can see and hear me in my craft show at https://www.youtube.com/c/jennifermaker . Many PassPorter readers and fans are on Facebook, in groups they formed like the PassPorter Trip Reports and PassPorter Crafting Challenge (if you join, just let them know you read about it in the newsletter). And some of our most devoted community members started a forum of their own at Pixie Dust Lane and all are invited over.
So we encourage you to stay in touch with us and your fellow community members wherever works best for you!
Welcome! We're happy you've found the PassPorter Community -- the friendliest place to plan your vacation to Walt Disney World, Disney Cruise Line, Disneyland, and the world in general! You are now viewing the PassPorter Message Board Community as a guest, which gives you limited access. As our guest, feel free to browse our messages by selecting the forum you want to visit from the list below.
To post messages and ask questions, join our FREE community today and you'll get access to tools and resources not available to guests, such as our vacation countown timers, "living" avatars, private messaging system, database searches, downloads, and a special PassPorter discount code. Registration is fast, simple, and completely free. Just click the Join Our Community link.
If you think you've already joined, log in below now. If you don't remember your member name or password, please visit our Member Name and Password Recovery page. You are also welcome to contact us.
Registered Message Board Members save 30% off PassPorter guidebooks! When you register you'll have access to a discount coupon good for 30% off the list price of PassPorter books in our online store.
for all three of you. This is a tough situation considering the age of your DD. Entering adolescense brings changes and challenges all of its own. Throw in a change to your family dynamics, and there are bound to be rough waters ahead.
I went through this a little bit when DBF and I first started dating. My DD was 19 at the time, but getting ready to move down to Arizona for school. She was horrible that first month that we started dating. She thought that I should be available 24/7 for her because she was leaving at the end of the month. However I wanted to spend time with DBF because I had just met him. Things were a little better after she moved, but problems re-surfaced when she came home for a visit. What it boiled down to was that she had had me to herself her entire life. With the introduction of DBF to the picture, she felt that our relationship was now threatened. She didn't think that I could still love her as much if there was someone else in my life. It took quite awhile for her to realize that although things were going to be different in both of our lifes, I could still love her just as much because she is my daughter. The love I have for her is the same and will never change. There is room enough in my life and in my heart for both her and DBF.
I think going to counseling is a positive first step for you and your DD. I would say that she is trying to find her place in the relationship, and your FDH probably isn't sure how to react. She learns by watching you, so she might think that she needs to be just like you in order to feel a sense of belonging with your FDH. I think that they need to develop their own relationship within the family. Do they have any interests in common? Is it possible for them to spend some quality time doing something together? At some point everyone is going to have to find middle ground in which to operate. Otherwise you will all be miserable. It is probably better that you find some resolution to this problem prior to your wedding so that you can hopefully avert more major problems down the road. Good luck!
IMHO I think your DD is very jealous of FDH and your relationship with him.
What doesn't help is that he's begining to not want to spend time with her
or doesn't feel comfortable around her. I would be concerned with both issues
and talking with a professional with just you and DD first.
I also agree with some who've said that I would really think about DFH responses
to DD. She is 12 1/2 and will always have issues while growing up. They ALL do.
So if he isn't comfortable now....will he be then? Also do you want to always be
in the middle????
I hope you can work this out, but I would talk with someone and maybe slow
down the wedding plans.
Registered Message Board Members save 30% off PassPorter guidebooks! When you register you'll have access to a discount coupon good for 30% off the list price of PassPorter books in our online store.
I agree with so many of the opinions here. have lived it on both sides as a child of divorce and someone who married a man with a kid who developed an attitude and a half. guess the kid with the attitude was an "in your face" to THIS kid who had an attitude...karma, you think???? I definitely saw a big flag go up when you said the FDH did not want to be around your child. I also think you need to tell her to cut it out. I also agree it is time for you to be selfish...i don't think you ever ever need to apologize to your children because you have a right to be happy. life is too short to pass up chances for happiness. yes, you have responsibilities "with the positive pregnancy test" but these do not include being a whipping post for your child. Life is not fair a lot of the time....get used to it. I also agree with all those who suggest counselling. if someone in the "triangle" won't go, another flag should be going up, less it be the child who will just have to go. a 12.5 yr old's brain is not able to make adult decisions. all this being said, i grew up ok under some horrid circumstances, and my step daughter is ok too and we are close...she is now 20 and very independent (read headstrong). in retrospect, she said we handled her "issues" of mommy and daddy getting back together and me and step dad disappearing ok. we basically did what some here have suggested...told her to just get over it. i also spent plenty of time alone with her so she was forced to talk to me, hang out with me, etc. yes there were some ugly moments, but she now says she feels so blessed to have so many people (4 parents!) who love her, even if she didn't see it that way when she was in her early teens. good luck to you....it will work out however you chose to let it. many hugs to you, you need them girlfriend!
DD and I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday at 5:00PM. I have also had a talk with DD and told her that she doesn't have to love him, but she does have to show him respect and civility. She tried to tell me that I wanted her to treat him like a dad. I very quickly corrected that notion. I also spoke with her dad and he has agreed to help me get her to a point where she will at least treat FDH with respect. Ex told me that DD had complained that FDH fussed at her at times. But then she had to confess that he fussed at her when she was disrespecting me in from of him. The only time he will discipline her is if she is being disrespectful to me. DD did tell me that she was feeling like FDH was taking me away from her. We have agreed to have at least one day a week where we sit and play a board or card game.
We are a long way from everyone being happy, but we are at least on a start. As for FDH, he is realizing how much this means to me. He has agreed to try to come to DD's play performance on Friday night.
you brought up a good point i forgot to mention. my stepdaughter also voiced the same concerns to hubby that he was trying to replace her mom with me. i made it very clear that i was not her mom and would never try to be. it has been very difficult at times (i have just had to try to love her more!) but she and i are very close now that she is older. i would suggest FDH try to have some special alone time with her also, even if it is to just go for ice cream or to a favorite store at the mall (and no, i am not talking about buying her love, but having some quality time to get to know each other.) or how about a movie, play, museum, library, any of those things for short periods of time. my situation is different, stepkid lived with mom. i actually had it pretty easy, stepdad was terrorized! ha ha ha. the other thing is that the four of us talk and keep open lines of communication. that way, child cannot "pull a fast one" and get one parent against the other for her amusement...and they WILL try this one. honestly, about 5 years from now she will be probably singing a different tune and be feeling blessed when she graduates high school that she has so many people loving her.
I don't think a FDH should be disciplining under any circumstances--as much as it may bug him he should butt out when it's dealings between you and DD, he hasn't been around long enough. From what I've read, I think she feels betrayed, especially when you take his side. I think that it's good that she'll get an outlet with counseling because it must be very weird and troublesome to a 12.5 year old girl to have to adjust to living with a man she doesn't know very well.
Having put this post before my DD, she felt that sending FDH and DD off to be alone was a bad thing at this point in time. They need time to feel comfortable and work things out but not is DD is still in the "I hate him" phase. She feels that her Stepmom has done this to both her and her brother and the end result is that DS won't speak to her at all (7 years later) and DD barely tolerates her. When DFH sees that your daughter is going to counseling and taking it seriously, his will change and want to go also. People have to want to change and make things work or counseling doesn't work.
I don't think a FDH should be disciplining under any circumstances--as much as it may bug him he should butt out when it's dealings between you and DD, he hasn't been around long enough. From what I've read, I think she feels betrayed, especially when you take his side. I think that it's good that she'll get an outlet with counseling because it must be very weird and troublesome to a 12.5 year old girl to have to adjust to living with a man she doesn't know very well.
Two quick comments from someone who represents children in divorces. I second that your FDH should not be disciplining you DD at all. Even if you are married. He is not her parent. A step parent should hope to develop a strong friendship.
Second, you need to assure your DD that you will be there for her. do not even think of "sending her away" be it to her grandparents, father's camp (unless really she wants to go). She will view this as a rejection at a time when she's questionning your committment to her. It sounds like over the past 12 years, she was your primary focus-even when you were married. Imagine how threatened she feels, especially if you want time alone with your FDH.
I agree with Dawn that your primary focus should be helping your DD. You also need to acknowlege her feelings whether or not you agree with them and allow her to have them. Her feelings are OK. How she is expressing them is not. Do not push any time with FDH on her, especially alone time. Her behavior is telling you she is not comfortable with the situation. Added to that is the fact that she is probably just entering the most difficult time emotinally for girls-the very beginning of puberty. Most girls this age have mood swings and crying jags for no reason as their hormones adjust.
Also FDH needs to participate in counseling. He also needs to remember he is the adult. If he wnats a life with you, he needs to be willing to work on your current challenge and accept there may be years of rough ppatches ahead. If he cannot live with that, he should not be with someone who has children..
I agree that FDH should not be disciplining the child; however, she needs to understand that as an adult in the household...if he is indeed in the household (or whenever he is there)...he should be treated with respect, civility and dignity. It is not right for him to discipline, but neither is it right for her to treat him as if he is a brick wall or walk all over him, be disrespectfuly, etc. Yes, she is 12.5 and guess what...she is going to be disrespectful and rebellious...she is learning to stretch her wings to fly...remember...flight requires discipline (personal and behavioral)...make sure she abides by the guidelines you have set for her and be consistent.
But to be honest, I'm a little concerned over your FDH's attitude towards your DD. Obviously he know there's some tension - but if he's at the point where he doesn't want your DD with you, that's a red flag going up to me. Add to the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it as a family.....well, I think that's another red flag.
I think your situation cannot be blamed on your DD alone. She's only 12 years old and it's understandable that she can't articulate to you her emotions, so she's acting out. But to read that your FDH doesn't want her with you . . . that is a HUGE problem and I think you might want to tackle that issue first.
You've received a lot of good advice. I don't have children, nor have I ever been married, but I am the stepdaughter of a wonderful stepfather. My situation was a little different from your DD's - my father passed away and my mother remarried a few years later - however, there are some similarities, for sure. When my mother was preparing to get remarried, I was scared that my new stepdad was going to try to replace my father. What I quickly found was that I was gaining the most fantastic, caring, loving and wonderful stepfather anyone could ever ask for, and while he would never try to replace my father, he would always be very best father-figure to me and my siblings he could be. He has always put us first, just as much as my mother has, and I have never felt the lack of a father in my life since then. I have always expressed to him and other people how incredibly lucky I feel to have been blessed with two wonderful fathers in my lifetime.
What I'm trying to say, is that when you know how good things CAN be, you wouldn't ever settle for less. I know from first-hand experience how wonderful a stepparent can be, and while not everyone can have the extremely close relationship that I have with mine, I would never want anyone, child or parent, to have to be in a situation where the step-parent was not completely and 100% on board with the child or children. I hope your DD can learn to accept and respect your fiance, however, in my opinion, it's more important for your fiance to love, accept and respect your DD totally. She's 12 - he's an adult and is commiting to you, which means commiting to her as well.
About This Page: 
Like
Thank
Pixie Dust
She thought that I should be available 24/7 for her because she was leaving at the end of the month. However I wanted to spend time with DBF because I had just met him. Things were a little better after she moved, but problems re-surfaced when she came home for a visit. What it boiled down to was that she had had me to herself her entire life. With the introduction of DBF to the picture, she felt that our relationship was now threatened. She didn't think that I could still love her as much if there was someone else in my life. It took quite awhile for her to realize that although things were going to be different in both of our lifes, I could still love her just as much because she is my daughter. The love I have for her is the same and will never change. 
There is room enough in my life and in my heart for both her and DBF. 
Parlor Panther in 'stalking mode'
Very wise!
Danielle Harmon
Linear Mode
