Mother Rant (kinda long) About This Page:

[my2girls]

I apologize in advance for this being a little too long, but I need to vent.

Long story short, my younger brother is getting married in October of this year. This is his first, his fiance's 2nd. She has (2) girls from her previous marriage. They are 11 and 9. Anywho - the wedding is in October. My DH and brother are standing up in the wedding , with my oldest DD (8) and the future bride's daughters standing up also. The dresses for the girls are $140 each, + we will have tuxe's to rent. Now, my "wonderful" brother has decided that there are to be no kids invited to the church or the reception. This means, I cannot bring my youngest DD (2), nor can I take my oldest to the reception. I have to take her to the wedding and then bring her home. All while leaving my youngest a home with DH (he is quite angry and ticked off that this is what my brother has chosen), he will not be going to the wedding. Nor will he be standing up. I told my DM that we would not be attending. None of us. Not me, not my (2) DD's , not my DH. I don't agree with the fact that your siblings get married and do not make arrangements to invite their own nieces and nephews. My twin brother who is standing up is coming from NY with is wife and 2 boys. They are spending alot of money on airfar to not be able to all go to the wedding. Once my mother heard that we will not be attending, she went a bought the dress for my 8 year old dd and showed her all behind my back. I found this out this morning. She says she did it because "it would break Emily's heart" not to be in the wedding. She's 8. I thought she had forgotten about the whole thing. Apparantly not. She has been talking about it with my DM behind my back. What do I do? What do I say to my DM now. She seems to think that she is going to get some total stranger to stay in the Church nursery and watch my DD (2) and my nephew's who are 3 and 1 during the ceremony. This won't fly with me. I don't leave my 2 year old with strangers. I dont' care who they are. If I don't know them, she doesn't stay with them. Also, my DM thinks that she is going to get a total stranger to watch the kids (all of them) after the ceremony during the reception. Again, not going to happen with my kids. I have half a brain to tell my DM to return the dress, and if she tries anything behind my back again, with my kids, we will not be attending the wedding at all. What else am I supposed to do? It's my daughter, I am the mother, I make the rules. Not her.

Again, I'm sorry it's so long, but I needed to vent to someone before I tell my DH at lunch what my mother has done. (i.e. dress)

Kristine

[HiddenMickey]

I think you are doing the right thing standing up for your family. Your mom has some guts to go behind your back like that!

I do see the point of not including little ones in the church for the ceremony...this is often done at weddings (one of my cousin's did this, and we traveled to the wedding with my 1 yr old son). Having a daycare set up during the ceremony is appropriate if the bride and groom want a quiet wedding ceremony. I would never have thought of doing this ourselves and I can see you wouldn't have either.

However, they should be including everyone in the reception and if it is a matter of cost, then they need to scale back to include everyone who is traveling to be there, especially their family!
I think you are right in refusing to take part in the ceremony and even not attending, to make a point that they are being unfair to you and your other family members.
Have you spoken to your brother about this? Or is your mom the go-between?
Best wishes for a good outcome in this wedding....I'd hate for you to miss your brother's wedding, but it might just have to be done.

-HiddenMickey

[graygables]

I'm confused...are his fiancee's children going to be allowed at the wedding/reception? What is his age limit for "no kids"?

As far as your mom goes, you are right, you are the mother and the decision-maker and she was waaaay outta line doing the whole dress thing and subverting your authority. I go through this ALL the time with my own mother, so I understand how difficult it is.

If it were me, no one from my family would attend the wedding. If my children aren't welcome at an event, then I'm not welcome either (unless, of course, it's clearly an adult function, i.e. dinner party) A wedding is a family celebration, IMO, and families should be welcome. If the couple wants to provide a sitter and people want to use it for their children, fine, but don't *require* it. My 1st wedding had a "cryer", and so be it. She was hungry and bored (don't blame her) and when it got disruptive, her mom took her out. No biggie. I would never dream of excluding people's children (esp nieces and nephews!) from a wedding.

[my2girls]

Dawn;

Not even the fiance's girls are allowed to attend the reception. No kids - no matter how old or young. I'm with you that a wedding is a family affair and it should be all or nothing. Now I just found out that my brother from NY is coming in by himself. If he can't bring the boys, then he will come alone. I know that I should just stand up to my mother and tell her that this is the way it is and that she should return the dress and none of us will attend, but on the other hand, it is my mother. She's the only parent I have left. I'm so confused.

Kristine

[aurora1429]

When I got married, we had a very elegant and expensive evening reception. We did not invite any children with an exception. DH's sister has two small kids(6 and 4) at the time and they traveled from St. Louis to come to the wedding. We were not going to exclude them.

I see your brother's point, he is not even having his future wife's children there. Could you not hire a babysitter that you and your children are familiar with to watch the kids? At least that way, your older daughter would be able to be in the wedding, you could focus on her while your little one is safe with a sitter, and your husband could participate too.

[loobyoxlip]

I agree with everyone having a right to invite who they want to their reception/wedding. I have been to 1 wedding where there were no kids. It was the couples choice so I honored their request and my mom watched the boys.

I do not, however, agree with your mother going behind your back. I hope you guys can somehow come to a happy conclusion to all this. If you don't go to the wedding, I just fear you may someday regret it. Best of luck and let us know what transpires.

[JoanW]

I'd be ranting too. Mothers need to butt out of their adult children's lives! Mine tried to make demands for my wedding 15 years ago, and I had to put my foot down!

I find it unbelievable that they want your daughter in the wedding, but not at the reception, but pay the $140 for the dress. I'm sorry, but if we are invited to a wedding, especially when my kids are close to the bride and groom and don't get invited to the whole thing, we don't go! The logistics of driving and taking to and from the church and reception and home is more work than it's worth!

Now for my own wedding, it was at 12:30 in the afternoon, with the reception immediately following, and I had it open to all family and friends, because my DH had an 8 year old daughter. I even went as far as having two bouquets to throw, one for the adult women and one for the little girls. It's all about family!

[Teresa]

Miss Manners addressed this a couple of weeks ago.
It is the bridal couple's decision.
It is a shame that you are not going to allow your daughter to be a part of the wedding party, but that is YOUR decision.

I agree with not allowing children at the reception. Reception dinners are a minimum of $20 EACH. Regardless of the age of the eater. ANd, I personally would not want my 2 or 8 yr. old at a party that will probably continue into the night, become racaus (especially if there is a bar in the vicinity) and they would be expected to be "little angels" NO thanks!
When my sister was married, we rented a room in the hotel that the reception was in, and had an older relative available to watch them. When they got tired, and the party got going, they were taken away, and ate pizza and watched movies in the room. They thought it was a great way to celebrate!

[chezp]

I really hope this can be resolved, it's a very difficult situation you're in.

[poohmaine]

I understand about not having children at a wedding ceremony. That was our rule. We had seen many a wedding ruined with a child screaming, crying, or running up and down the aisle, without the parent removing them, or yelling at them to be quiet, and yes, even spanking them! That was not going to happen to us. But, if you exclude children, to be fair, you need to exclude ALL children.



BUT in your case, I don't understand why some kids are included in the wedding ceremony and some aren't. That just isn't very fair to those who are left out. Especially since they are old enough to KNOW that they are being left out. And then they're not inviting the kids who participate to the reception? I don't agree with that.



I understand your feelings entirely. But it's your brother's wedding, and he can do whatever he wants. You have no right to ask him to change his plans. But you can tell him that out of fairness to all of your children, none of your children will be participating.



But I definitely think that YOU should attend. It is, after all, your brother. You will regret it if you don't go and share this day with him.



Your mother was completely out of line! You need to sit her down and tell her so immediately. Squash this type of sneaky interference with your children now before she tries it again.

[beths3]

Your mother was way out of line.
However, as a bride I can see their side on no children. The only children (under 14) allowed at my wedding will be a 1 month old (too young to seperate from mom) and 4 cousins coming from North Carolina. The other 28 cousins will not be coming. It cost $50 a head and I know my cousins will not behave.

[ripkensnana]

[ QUOTE ]
Miss Manners addressed this a couple of weeks ago.

It is the bridal couple's decision.

It is a shame that you are not going to allow your daughter to be a part of the wedding party, but that is YOUR decision.



[/ QUOTE ]



Every Advice Columnist I've ever read has said basically the same thing. So you're well within your rights to boycott your brother's wedding, just as he's well within his rights to invite who he wants to his wedding. I have to agree with the rest that your mother was way out of line, buying the dress for your DD without your permission. I'm not sure whether the dress is in your possession at this point, or if your Mom has it, but it should be taken back to the store (hopefully it hasn't been altered!), and your mother should be made fully aware that your DD will under no circumstances be taking part in the wedding. I know first hand how interfering mothers can be, and I do try not to butt into my own childrens' affairs (unless I'm asked)...but it sure is difficult...My DM, on the other hand, just has to put her nose into everything that goes on (sometimes I think it might just be easier to keep her in the dark and not keep her informed as to what's going on with everyone... )

[buckysmom]

OUCH! Parents, what can you do with them?
I am so sorry for the bind she put you in, and all I can say is go with your heart...after your head has cooled down and do what you think would be right for you AND your DD! THis may include completely boycotting the wedding, you and older DD attending the wedding and no one attending the reception or having your mother return the dress. But, bottom line is that after the wedding y'all are still family and have to interact with each other.
Good luck with your decision, it's a toughie!

[GATechGal]

Definitly Mom was WAY out of line. I can see not inviting children as they can be disruptive. But it also seems good manners to invite ALL the wedding party (flower girls and ring bearers, and preachers too) to the reception. But if that's the decision, then someone has to stay with the 2 year old (I wouldn't want to ride herd on one at a wedding anyway). I would probably let the 8 year old be in the wedding and might also go myself. But neither to the reception if no children are allowed. To take her home after the wedding and then go back out to the reception seems like too much trouble. But if you don't want DD to be in the wedding to make a point to YOUR DM, then I would still make sure that YOU attended like your other brother. Just my 2 cents. It's a stick situation, so like others have said, let it lie a bit to cool off and then try and work it out dispassionatly. You're going to have your brother for a long time, and it would be a shame to have something stand in between you like this.

[Chrissi]

We had an adults-only wedding and reception, but we did make allowances for siblings of children in the wedding party and nursing babies. We provided, though no one needed, a responsible sitter and friend of the family for any other children. The three kids who came to our wedding were so well-behaved, no one knew they were there. The ring bearer was 7, the flower girl 3, and her brother age 1 (nursing). Their mom was also the photographer. We could hardly ask her to leave the nursing baby home with Dad.

We worked it out because we knew it wouldn't be an all or nothing adults-only reception. We also chose children from among our relations who had few or no siblings so there wouldn't be any anger over why one was chosen over the other.

I have no advice for you. I only wish your DB would understand what a difficult situation this puts you in. Also, it's time to sit Mom down for a long chat about who is raising whose kids in your family. If you mean no, you need to stick with it and not cave in because your mom went behind your back and spent a fortune on a dress that you have no intention of letting your child wear.