Borrowing a car....WWYD About This Page:

[Tigger71]

I cannot stand smoking! As a teenager I lived with my folks and my mum WAS a smoker. I would place a towel under my bedroom door to stop the smell entering my room! Everyone who knows me knows I can smell it a mile off. I would never dream of having someone smoke in my home, yard or car! However it is your mum's home and her rules so with YOUR car it should be your rules. Ask her nicely and you may be suprised she didn't realise she offended you. Best of luck for next time!

[Teresa]

Originally Posted by Ashli

Just because someone lives in someone else's house doesn't make everything community property. If the OP paid/is paying for that car, pays the insurance on it, then it is HER car for her to do with as she pleases. If it is her car, then her mother needs to respect her wishes regarding it. I agree that she can't really enforce much in the house (even though I think it's disrespectful to smoke around a child no matter whose house it is), but regarding her car she definitely can take a stand and say "cigarettes or the car, you pick."

I understand it's not REALLY community property, HOWEVER - I was offering up an idea about Darlene's mother's thinking. Darlene, Lenny, and Abbey live with her. There are 3 of them, 1 of her. They help with some expenses, but I'm sure it's not quite 3/4 of all expenses.
In her mother's thinking, the need for a car to get to WORK supersedes anything else. Therefore, the car is community property (in her mother's eyes). Just as the home is treated as community property.

Yes, it's rude for someone to get in another person's car and light up. However, if it happens all of the time, then the problem needs to be addressed.

Darlene - I recommend you drive your mother around, and just take any cigarette she lights up away from her and put it out until she stops lighting them. Either stand up for yourself or relegate yourself to being unhappy for the rest of your mother's life. It's your choice. You can't do anything about her smoking in HER home, but you can certainly control her ability to smoke in your car.

[Huntermom]

I think the basic problem is not the smoking but her mother's lack of overall respect for her and her mother's threats that if she doesn't do what her mother wants, she can live elsewhere. I think that is a very difficult situation to live under and smoking in the car is just a symptom of the other problems.

Darlene is is a really difficult position vis a vis her mother so long as she is dependent on her mother. If she can't afford to live on her own, she is dependent on her mother. Her mother holds the power because to have the life style she wants Darlene needs to be able to live with her. And by lifestyle, I don't just mean things that money buys.

How she gets out of it is to become independent, which I don't think she can do so long as she is living in her mother's home and she needs to live there more than her mother needs to have her there. She cannot really assert herself because a major blowup could result in her being on the streets. Right now her mother can risk living without Darlene in the home. Maybe in fifteen years, she'll be incapacitated and need her, but right now it's very one sided.

Teresa, you were right in your first post. In order to get out from Darlene's mother's poor treatment of her, Darlene and her family need to look at what they can do to have a place of their own and decide what they are willing to give up to do it. The other choice is to "suck it up" and stay with her mother but understand they are paying in other ways-the biggest one being relinquishing some self respect.

We all make these choices every day and people here post them all the time, whether postponing a trip because of lower than hoped for earnings, moving to a rental home while waiting for their home to sell or moving back to their home town to take care of a family member. You need to weigh the pluses against what you are giving up, be it money or something intangible.

[Huntermom]

I just wanted to add that when my children were young, I chose to only work very part time. I gave up income, which meant we made financial sacrifices, but in retrospect, I can see I also gave up power in our marriage. They might not be the dynamic in many relationships, but in ours it was. I don't know if things would have been different and I'm glad I stayed home.

[heatherwillmom]

I've been there. My sister is a heavy smoker. I not only don't smoke but took allergy shots for years because others smked around me including my sister. Her car was in the shop so I let her use mine & told her not to smoke in it. When she brought it home, it had a strong odor of cigerettes. She said she didn't smoke in it. I had to leave it in the garage with the windows open to get the smell out. I told her she could walk before I would let her drive it again.

[TheMadonna3]

I not only don't smoke but took allergy shots for years because others smked around me including my sister

You might want to check that out. It's impossible to be allergic to smoke. It's irritating, yes, but medically impossible to be allergic. Other allergies can be aggravated by smoke. You might have been treated for something unnecessary or there might be an allergen you don't know about and should me made aware so that you can avoid it. It's likely the smoke causes "smoke sensitivity". Sometimes people who are sensitive to tobacco smoke will also experience allergy-like symptoms when they encounter strong odors, perfumes, weather changes or temperature changes. However, the symptoms also might be caused by dust, pollen, dander, etc. as your body is weakened by the smoke and it starts to react to all these allergens that would otherwise have not been a problem.

I'm not discounting your sensitivity or your symptoms, but there's something else you are allergic to and you may want to discuss that with your doctor.

Sorry for hijacking the thread.

[OneLittleSpark]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

You're absolutely right, she has ZERO respect for you. I had two friends that did this to me once. They were driving my car to take me to a Dr.s appt that I wouldn't be able to drive home from which was very nice of them, but the doc was 2 hours away and they told me that even though I don't smoke in my brand new car ...that I was going to have to deal with it that day. They laughed about it and truely didn't give a d@$# about my feelings or my new car. I thought that was so hurtful and so rude, but they knew I needed them and they pretty much strong armed me. People are just crappy. I understand the guilt trip thing...my mom would do me the same way, but at some point you just need to say, "no, you can't borrow the car...you are ruining my resale value and I can't have that!" People just know when they have you over a barrel and tend to treat you like crap when they do. It's not right and it shows the true character of that person. That is reason number ONE why I don't like to ask my mom for any kind of help if I can avoid it. My Dad is unconditional, and if I told him how many times my mom has used the old "we do this for you and we do that for you" line, he would chew her butt out!!! lol I feel your pain...sounds like this is just one thing your mom does to get her way with you, and I would try my best if at all possible to get out from under her. That way you can do things your way with nothing being held over your head. That's a bad feeling.

So, I have to jump in here, as a smoker (I know boo, I am hoping to be a nonsmoker soon) and say the way I would have handled that situation is almost the same but a little different.

Did your friend have their own car? I would offer to drive, but use my own car. If that was not an option then yes, I would request that I be able to smoke, but in a 2 hr span I could make do on 1 butt. But I would ONLY do this if I were doing my friend a favor. If it's just hanging out, or if I was borrowing her car (her doing me a favor) I would NOT smoke in it. That is definately rude!

As far as the OP problem, honestly I believe that the problem hasn't anything to do with smoking per se. It is about disrespect...smoking is the symptom. We teach our parents as adults how to treat us. Not the other way around. Don't complain about it, next time don't offer your car or don't lend it when she asks. But I do see there are complications and implications from this, if you do live at her house. If it's her house, I am sorry but she can do in her house as she chooses. Even if it is choosing to smoke outside when your brother visits. A visit is soooo much different than living there, it's one thing to go outside for a few days- a few weeks. I hate to say it but if when my DD is an adult if she needs to live with me, than guess what deal with it! I wouldn't be going outside in 30 degree weather (I know we live in the same place) to smoke in my own house. If you don't like it, you can move into your own place.
Now if you live with her to help or take care of her in any way, then yes she needs to be better about it, bc if you don't like it again you can leave, and where would that leave her if she needs you.

The smoking in your car thing, is completely different though, and I agree!

[OneLittleSpark]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

I think the basic problem is not the smoking but her mother's lack of overall respect for her and her mother's threats that if she doesn't do what her mother wants, she can live elsewhere. I think that is a very difficult situation to live under and smoking in the car is just a symptom of the other problems.

Darlene is is a really difficult position vis a vis her mother so long as she is dependent on her mother. If she can't afford to live on her own, she is dependent on her mother. Her mother holds the power because to have the life style she wants Darlene needs to be able to live with her. And by lifestyle, I don't just mean things that money buys.

How she gets out of it is to become independent, which I don't think she can do so long as she is living in her mother's home and she needs to live there more than her mother needs to have her there. She cannot really assert herself because a major blowup could result in her being on the streets. Right now her mother can risk living without Darlene in the home. Maybe in fifteen years, she'll be incapacitated and need her, but right now it's very one sided.

Teresa, you were right in your first post. In order to get out from Darlene's mother's poor treatment of her, Darlene and her family need to look at what they can do to have a place of their own and decide what they are willing to give up to do it. The other choice is to "suck it up" and stay with her mother but understand they are paying in other ways-the biggest one being relinquishing some self respect.

We all make these choices every day and people here post them all the time, whether postponing a trip because of lower than hoped for earnings, moving to a rental home while waiting for their home to sell or moving back to their home town to take care of a family member. You need to weigh the pluses against what you are giving up, be it money or something intangible.

exactly! You summed up so much better and nicer what I was trying to say. I am not understanding living with mom and complaining about it or her but yet going to WDW many times....sorry but that is just me.

[OneLittleSpark]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

Here's the part that surprises people. At that time, I was a smoker too. I just didn't want to smoke in my new car because I saw no reason why I couldn't just stop somewhere and smoke if I had to....2 hours well....hour and a half to be honest, was nothing to me....smoke before we left and once you got there....or stop once and have one. So to me...if I could do it, they could do it. BUT everyone is different I guess, and I quit back in October cold turkey with no withdrawls and no mood swings....(I personally believe that is in your head) and they both still smoke after getting those shots behind the ears for $500 and all sorts of other stop smoking gimmicks. It's just something that I decided I didn't do anymore....so I don't. Strange huh? lol As for the friends having a car....they both had their own, and I don't remember why on Earth they didn't drive theirs....I am pretty sure it went along with the "we're going to do you a favor but use your gas and put the miles on your car and smoke in it because we are your friends but not THAT good of friends" thing.

Okay, that is perfectly reasonable then. I have no problem with stopping and I can last a couple hours without a butt when I need to. I agree that some people have it easy when it comes to stopping smoking. I have a gf who smokes and quits at will.
Others it's not so easy. I don't look forward to trying to quit at all.

[CinderAbby]

No offense guys but you've taken my thread way, way off the topic. My original question was if you borrowed someone's car that was a non-smoker would you smoke in it regardless, not smoke or ask first.

My rant about my mother not respecting me was just that - a rant. We all do it about the ones we love and we all have times where we're treated like crap. As for the rest of it why we live with my mother, what we pay or don't, what we can afford or not, our Disney trips, etc NONE of that was part of my original post. I made the mistake of responding to a couple of posts and I am regretting that now as that stuff is really no ones business but our own. You guys can think what you want, offer all the advice that you think is best for me but until you walk in my shoes and live my life, you don't know what's best for us.

And here's my final comment before I ask that my thread be closed - for those saying I need to suck it up that mom smokes in the house - I don't care that she smokes in the house. I was just pointing out how she DISrespects me by smoking in my car but REpects my brother by leaving the room to smoke - that was my only point and that got completely blown out of proportion. It would have been nice if the orginal subject had been stuck to instead of going off on tangents on what I should do or need to do, etc.

[Cheriemek]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

I just wanted to add that when my children were young, I chose to only work very part time. I gave up income, which meant we made financial sacrifices, but in retrospect, I can see I also gave up power in our marriage. They might not be the dynamic in many relationships, but in ours it was. I don't know if things would have been different and I'm glad I stayed home.

I also stayed home when the kids were young. It did not change the dynamics in the relationship. We were a team then and are a team now. However, it affected money to be spent on vacations. We took one in the 9 years I was home - and yes, it was DisneyWorld! After the 9 years (youngest was only 2), financial realities hit too hard and I had to go back to work.

[Colexis Mom]

Since the OP's question has been answered, at the request of the OP, the thread is now closed.