Need advice on helping son. About This Page:

[njsmama]

I need help!
My 8 year old son is having some behavioral problems, tantrums, defiant, oppositional, and now naughty language and an inappropriate comment about a little girl.
I am in a nervous fit right now. Where do I start to get him to act better? My oldest child has never had issues like this and has always been a pretty laid back kid.
I don't know if my 8 year old is just suffering from a severe case of middle child syndrome or if it's something more than that.
Any suggestions or advice would be greatly welcome. FYI, we live in a small rural community, without many resources for mental health, so that avenue would be in a larger town further away where I won't know anything about the therapist/counselor.
Also, he is good at school, other than not paying attention on occassion. His teachers generally love him. I want it to stay that way!

[DopeyGirl]

I can't give you much advice as I am dealing with some very similar issues (as well as other issues) with my 8 year old DD.

My sister is a teacher and part of her masters degree is in behavioral issues . . . she suggested that I start at the school counselor level and go from there. The school counselor can help in getting the behavior at school nipped in the bud and can (and probably will) suggest what to do next, be it seeking out professional counseling or what have you.

Lots of for you in dealing with it though!

[DisneyFanAnn]

Sorry...no advice but wanted to send lots of pixies

[GATechGal]

I'm a big fan of John Rosemond. He would probably recommend the "ticket System". You target the behaviors you want to change (pick only a couple at a time) and you give him a small number of tickets (for an 8 year old I'd pick 3). Each time he displays the target behavior, he loses a ticket and earns a confinement in his room (set the time limit ahead of time - like 30 minutes). Once he's lost all his tickets for the day its the rest of the day in his room and an early bed time. It takes a while to get him to comply, but it's usually pretty effective.

Now an alternative is to tell him that you've talked to "THE DOCTOR" and he has told you that when children act this way (be sure to describe what he's doing) that it means that they are not getting enough sleep. So for the next month he's going to have to go to bed an hour early until the behaviors stop. Any time he slips up, the month starts over. If they don't stop within the first week, then he will have to go to bed earlier and earlier until you see results. I LOVE using the "THE DOCTOR". It worked great to get my son to eat his dinner. It's also pretty useful if you are tired of giving him chances and he already knows what he's doing is wrong. Language is a good thing to use this for, because it's a bad habit that can be hard to break.

Good luck. Parenting isn't for the weak, but if you hold the line early, you'll might just end up with teenagers that are tolerable. (I did)

[Luvsun]

[chezp]

No advice here, just

[HiddenMickey]

I agree that looking at this sleep time might be a good idea. He should be getting 9-10 hours a night. If not, he may become overtired and then overstimulated.

I agree that the school counselor will be a good resource for you.

Good luck!

[jenifermg0]

While I don't want to be the first to say this....perhaps you need to actually take your DS to a doctor. While sometimes children act out because they want to, or they are testing how far they can push you, some times there are underlying problems that you have somehow missed (not saying you are a bad parent!!!!), either physical or mental.

My DS (when he was in Kindergarten) was zoning out in class - not paying attention, not remembering his responsiblities, and just being a little wild man sometimes. When his teacher suggested a trip to the pediatrician, I was in tears feeling that I had done something wrong. HOWEVER, after a lot of reading and talking to the doc and to another friend (in a similar position), we started DS on a low dosage of ADD medication and he was like a new child in school....he was able to control his impulsive behaviors, was paying attention in class and was improving on remembering his responsiblities. Of course he wasn't/isn't perfect....he was only 6 years old (now almost 12) and you have to take the age of your child into consideration, but it helped!
Good luck and lots of !!!!!!!!!!

[Chrissi]

This sounds like it's more than you can and should deal with at home. When my DS was displaying odd pacing behavior and speaking innappropriately, I did some online research and took my notes to his pediatrician. The pediatrician recommended medication combined with behavior modification therapy and referred us to specialists (no, not in our rural little hometown, but they were the only ones capable of helping). It has worked wonders for DS because we also involved his school guidance counselors and resource teachers. It's also put me in a position to lead a parent support group for other families in our small town dealing with ADHD and ODD.

My first calls in your case would be: pediatrician, school counselors and resource teachers, neurologist, therapist. Thinking you can punish the bad out at home is not going to get him the help he needs even if it's as simple as middle child syndrome. I attended group therapy with my peers in elementary school for divorced kids and it helped me tremendously!

Best of luck to you both!

[home4us123]

[Teresa]

My first thought is: maybe it is as simple as middle child syndrome. You say he doesn't act like that at school. That means he CAN control it.

I can't stress how effective karate training has been in curbing my 11 yr. old DD's bad behaviors. Of course, you need the RIGHT type of training, no matter what you do.

IS your DS held responsible for his actions? Does he know the consequences? We have few rules at our house - but they are important ones, and there are immediate and severe consequences for breaking them.

Sit your son down - explain that words have power, and he is using his power to do wrong. You will not tolerate this, and each bad word will earn him 8 minutes of "corner time". The same with tantrums, etc. They are not appropriate for a child his age, and if he insists on acting like a 2 year old - he will be treated like one. He will be watching only television appropriate to a 2 year old (Barney, Seasame Street, etc.), you will be picking out his clothing, and he will be going to bed at a time good for a 2 year old. Each day he goes without a tantrum, he gets to stay up until his regular "8 year old" bedtime, and pick out his clothes for the next day. ONE tantrum, and he goes to bed early and wears the clothes YOU choose.

BUT - make sure you give him an option to tell you what IS going on with him. He's obviously searching for a way to tell you something is going on, and it could be as simple as "I'm starting to grow up and I don't like it."

Be sure to acknowledge each time he acts appropriately. "Thank you so much for going to the store with me and behaving well. That really made me proud."

[Huntermom]

If he is much better at school than at home it could be for a couple of reasons. One common one is school is more structured and predictable. My middle child did much better when he had ingrained routines. It was hard because my first son, also known as the"beginner model" was so easy. Second son was easy so as he had routines and they were not disprupted. In order to let him be more independent, we posted some of the routines for him-an example was that weh he got up, he went to the BR, washed his hands, got dressed, came down stairs and had breakfast, brushed his teeth, etc. With son 1 it didn't matter if he ate or dressed first. with son 2 the rountine just made life easier.

I am also a firm believer that kids will often act out for attention. I tired to constantly reward good behavior, even if it was as simple as doing a good job getting up and going to the bathroom without a reminder. I also tried to ignore negative behavior as much as possible. Walk away if you can. Having a tantrum is not fun without an audience. I have visited behavioral programs and they try for a minimum 10 good rewards for every one negative. I think as parents we often ignore positive things are kids do and only comment on misbehavior. You may feel like a fool telling your son he's doing a good job sitting at the table, but kids really like it.

I also think it's hard not to go overboard. We really want our kids to be good so you have to be careful not to get in a position where you spend all your time on negatives.

Good luck.

Diane

[njsmama]

Wow, you all have really great advice, Thank you all so much.
His school counselor is a friend of mine and I got the name of the therapist she really likes and have placed a call and now waiting on her to call me back.
As for punishing him for his language, that's a hard one. He doesn't generally use it around us. Once he shared it with his best friend while over at his house....the poor kids's mom had to call me...talk about embarrassed. Today I found a paper in his room with naughty things written on it, so those two episodes have been delt with.
While we do discipline at home, I know that we are not as consistent as we should be. Sometimes I feel like all I do is fuss, so I let things slide from time to time. I know that probably causes issues.
I will implement some of your suggesstions and let you know how they go!
Again, THANK YOU ALL!

[shellybelly72]

[Huntermom]

In regard to the language issues, I want to begin by saying I am not a let them do as they please, nondisciplinarian. I had high expectations for my kids and they were extremely well behaved. I never heard my kids uses foul language, however, my ex husband and I never swore.

I think if you DS only uses unacceptable language out of your sight, he knows it's wrong and can control it. My guess is he is experimenting and trying things out. I'm sure that I would not have called if I were the friend's mother. I probably would have told your son that the language he used was not acceptable in my house and if he used it again, he might not be able to come over to play for a while. That would have embarrassed your son-not you. What the mother did by calling you was embarrass the wrong person.

Also it sounds like his naughty words were meant to be private.

I also wanted to add that no parents are truly consistent. I think that is a myth. No one can really address every issue as it comes up, so don't blame yourself. It seems like you have at least 3 children which is a lot of work.

You might want to try a star chart for all the kids. Pick out a couple of things at a time they can work on and give stars for days when they do well (you can do smaller increments, but at 8 I think a day is fine). When each child earns 30 stars, they get a special treat that is agreed upon beforehand. It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as an extra bedtime book, a trip alone with mom or dad on an errand, a half hour later bedtime on the weekend.

Diane