Family Christmas Get Together question About This Page:

[CinderAbby]

To the moderators, I wasn't sure is this was the right place to post so please feel free to move it if it belongs somewhere else.

I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but Lenny's family doesn't really get along with us. I don't know why. They've never liked me and the only time they contact Lenny is after the fact if something happened (his dad had a heart attack - we found out WEEKS later) or if they want something (we're getting together, bring this when you come - and it's never "bring something Abby will eat" - that would be different). So needless to say, when it comes to Christmas time, we get invited to go over to Lenny's brothers' house (they live in a duplex, one on each side) where everyone gathers only about a week in advance - and we're told what to bring. It's not a party (at least not for us - everyone else is there earlier than us). It's more like a chore for me that I dread doing. Every year, it's been the same thing. Dinner is like at 4, so we're told to show up about 3 (fine by me actually).

Everyone there knows Abby is Autistic and fussy food wise (she dislikes a lot of textures and tastes). Every year they have shrimp and veggies as appetizers (almost all gone by the time we arrive but we're fine with that) and they serve spiral ham, homemade mac and cheese, green bean casserole, salad and a bunch of desserts for dinner. No dinner rolls or breads on any kind, no mashed potatoes or rice. No soda, whole milk or kool aid - only booze or water. Not even any ice cream unless we provide it (we won't do that again but that's a whole 'nother story). Basically everything they serve is nothing Abby will eat so I've always brought my own rolls and sodas so Abby will have something to eat. But everyone chows down on the rolls and makes comments becasue Abby will eat 5 or 6 (the only thing she would eat). This year she's started eating salads so I know she'll try that but she still won't eat anything else.

I willingly bringing things that Abby will eat - they don't tell me to (we're usually told to bring something else that she won't eat and there's no discussion on it. "You bring this and we'll see you then") - because I want Abby to eat dinner with everyone. But by not having anything at all for her it's like they couldn't care less about her which kinda hurts. It's fine if they don't like me, but please don't take it out on Abby, that's not fair. And it's also really rude IMO when I provide that food for Abby (it's not something that I'm providing for everyone - I'm bringing it specifially for Abby) that 1. everyone else eats and 2. then they criticize (sp?) me on the amount I let Abby eat of it. Yes, I know bread is not the healthiest thing in the world, but I don't want her to sit there and go hungry while everyone else eats. If I had my way, we would not go year after year but Lenny won't take "We'll stay home, you go without us."

Since not going isn't an option, I grin and bear it. We show up as late as we can (we usually leave our house at 3 instead of arriving over there at 3) and we usually leave by 6:15ish. I always say that Abby has to keep to her scheduled bed time of 7. Does she actually go to bed at that time? Not anymore, but I tell them she does just to shorten my time there.

So now that I've made what should have been a short story into a long one, this is where my question comes in.

If this were your family and you were hosting , would you try to have something for everyone in the family or just disregard any kind of dietary problems (if that's what you want to call it) like his family does? And if someone in the family does provide food intended for a child, would you start eating it or start making comments about how much of the food is eaten by the child?

Thanks very much in advance for listening to me rant. No matter how you answer my question, if at all, I know things with them won't change, but I am interested to see how other people would handle this situation. Thanks again.

[Aminspired]

I would try to accomodate others dietary concerns, within reason. Abby's seems simple enough and I would make sure I had something there.

I am sorry you are going through this but try to make the best of it. Maybe you can bring something for Abby and put it in a sealed container marked "Abby". Hopefully, they won't open it and eat it.

[Nimros]

Oh Darlene, I'm so sorry you go through this each year. To be honest, I'm amazed at your fortitude in visiting with them each year - because I know I wouldn't !

That aside, I most definitely would make sure that all my guests had appropriate food if I invited them to dinner. If the dietary need was out of my experience, I'd just ask them to bring whatever food that person needed. And I'd make darn sure that everyone else was aware of the fact that a particular food item or dish was for a certain person so that it wasn't all consumed by others. To do otherwise is not acceptable in my book.

[Gin7274]

I always try to make what each person likes, so they can have their "favorite" and I take into consideration their dietary needs. Bottom line, you take of Abby and to heck with the rest of them. I would take what she likes to eat, since they don't seem to take her into consideration, and mark the containers and let it be known it's for her.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. The holidays should bring out the best in people, but it often brings out the worst.

[lukeandbrookesmom]

What they are doing is rude, inconsiderate and insensitive....period! A good host should take into consideration special circumstances and dietary issues. Abby is an innocent little girl and regardless of their feelings for you they should be embracing this beautiful child. People like that make me angry

I give you a lot of credit for still going Darlene - I realize you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and it stinks.

[disneyknut]

I agree with you 100% on how you're feeling.. it's not like Abby suddenly became picky ( which isn't the correct word for her) the hosts should at least try to accomodate her in some way...

I am also appaled at them eating food you bring specifically for her.. I would also mark the container ( even if it's a bag of rolls) "FOR ABBY ONLY!!!" Who cares if they get offended.. they are offending your DD.

one of my best friends is an autistic aide & we have quite a few autistic students in our school & I know how difficult food sensations can be.. (I work in the cafeteria) so I don't think your hosts having some foods for Abby is out of line or asking too much.. maybe you can 'gently'- i know easier said than done) ask them what they are serving this year & remind them that Abby is on a special diet ( okay a white lie) & express some of her fave foods ..

best of luck!!

[TMWIlson7196]

I agree with Judi. People like that are rude. Why would your husband want to spend time with them? I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Chrissi]

I deal with this with DJ's meals most of the time - not just on holidays. Most of the time, I pack his food in a Disney-Pixar Cars lunch box with his name on it and when it's time to eat, I make a big deal out of setting his place at the table with his special foods on his own special plate so he feels special instead of feeling left out. (Unless we go to a restaurant where I can pick and choose the right foods just for him.)

My family and Walt's family do try to accomodate him, but ignorance more than anything foils their best efforts. They can't seem to remember what he can't have. It's not their main concern, but as his mom, it has to be my responsibility.

When we have a gathering here at home, I do try to provide a variety for all of our guests. We have friends who are vegan, allergic to peanuts, allergic to berries, allergic to shellfish, and DJ has to avoid red and yellow food dye, preservatives, and sticky foods that could pull out his stainless steel crown.

Bottom line - if I know DJ's food issues are going to be a problem or he's going to feel badly about requiring a special diet, we just don't accept those invitations. Family or not. And I do take a hard line about that. My grandmother thinks she knows what is best for my son and IGNORES his dietary restrictions because she thinks I'm just being overprotective. So we just don't go to holiday meals at her house and our excuse is that the drive is too long and we like to have holiday meals at home. Like it or lump it.

[eff051102]

Originally Posted by Aminspired

I would try to accomodate others dietary concerns, within reason. Abby's seems simple enough and I would make sure I had something there.

I am sorry you are going through this but try to make the best of it. Maybe you can bring something for Abby and put it in a sealed container marked "Abby". Hopefully, they won't open it and eat it.

I agree! Also why don't you just have Abby's food in a container and bag
that you have handy so no one can get to her food? When I say handy I mean
on your body. If they still try to get to her food, then there are other issues
they need to focus on IMHO! I would ignore their comments and if it gets
really bad this year than next year stick to your guns and tell your DH that
you won't be going.

Good luck!

[Minnie Lor]

My niece won't eat pork of any kind (she thinks pigs are cute) Anyways, if we decide to serve a ham, I also make a chicken breast or a small turkey breast for her. We also leave nuts out of most dishes because of her.

[stretch2864]

That is pretty bad if family won't even be accomodating to your DD's needs. Since you have to go, I would pack your DD's food separately and bring it out just as everyone is sitting down to dinner so that there aren't issues with other people taking her food. Good luck!

[Teresa]

I won't make/provide foods just for a picky kid.
BUT - Abbey isn't just a picky kid. I'd certainly ask what types of foods she might like, and what you'd like to bring. Then, I'd make sure there were other foods available.


DH's family also has certain things they eat, and only those things. Well, I got tired of it a few years ago and started taking what I WANTED. Enough for everyone. I know you're intending the rolls for Abbey - but if everyone else is eating them, then they want them also. I'd tell the person who is planning the whole thing "I'll bring what you asked me to, but I'm also bringing a few things Abbey will eat. I just hate to watch her go hungry, since she doesn't like what we're having."
Dh's family now eats gravy, rolls, REAL mashed potatoes, etc.

[dejavu]

I have altered my recipes for Christmas dinner (and other get-togethers) ever since a vegetarian joined our family. I try to provide at least a few items to meet everyone's tastes. I wouldn't dream of commenting on what a parent feeds their child - well maybe if they skipped all regular food and only gave the child cookies, cakes and soda. No, even then, I wouldn't comment out loud.

I do regularly attend family parties where an autistic child is present and his mom always brings him a lunchbox with foods she knows he'll eat (and that she wants him to eat). No one ever comments on what the child eats. Everyone just knows that his dietary needs and food choices are different.

I'm really sorry you are treated this way. I give you a lot of credit for showing up at those family events. I also wouldn't blame you if at some point you decided to stay home or do something else. It is disgraceful that those people would eat your daughter's food. You may have to hide the rolls and only give her one at a time. And they only serve water and beer?

[chezp]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this every year. I'd definitely make sure there was something to accommodate everyone - and I do, as DH has a dairy allergy and I'm veggie, along with my DSIL, while one of my newphews is a very fussy eater and everyone always has enough to eat.

[graygables]

Originally Posted by Chrissi

Bottom line - if I know DJ's food issues are going to be a problem or he's going to feel badly about requiring a special diet, we just don't accept those invitations. Family or not. And I do take a hard line about that. My grandmother thinks she knows what is best for my son and IGNORES his dietary restrictions because she thinks I'm just being overprotective. So we just don't go to holiday meals at her house and our excuse is that the drive is too long and we like to have holiday meals at home. Like it or lump it.

I second what Chrissi says. There is NO REASON for you to put yourselves through that torture every year. Think of the memories you are creating and do you really want THAT to be what Abby remembers about Christmas? I'd tell them too bad, you have other plans.

My 10yo has never met a veggie she likes until I bought some broccoli/cauliflower/carrots in a steam bag and she can't get enough of them now, so I stock up. My mother thinks it's horrible that I don't force her to eat peas or green beans. The way I look at it, if I can get the kid to eat the mix (without cheese or ranch dressing), I'll fill my chest freezer with it. According to my mother, she doesn't really "need" it (this from a woman who thought a can of peas or a can of corn made for a "healthy balance") and I'm a terrible mom for catering to her. Whatever.

You need to go get the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend (?) and read it. Now.