Suggestions needed...(Thanksgiving and Christmas) - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
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Very long, very detailed back story goes with this, but I'm going to try to bring it down to a few points:
1. DD Samantha and her DH are in big power wheelchairs
2. They can't get into anyone's home but ours and my FiL's.
3. Our house and FiL's are both too small to accommodate all of DH's family.
4. We've always had Thanksgiving and Christmas at DH's brothers (large enough for all of us, including the wheelchairs) The ones in the wheelchairs CAN get into the house basement (where we have all of our gatherings), but they have to go through the yard and then either drag in tons of mud, and dirt or they can't get in because it snowed. When they've dragged in mud, I've spent over an hour OUTSIDE with a hose and their chairs, cleaning them off.
5. A couple of years ago we thought we had it - everyone agreed to go to Samantha's. THEN, DH's oldest sister decided she didn't want to and called everyone to tell them the venue had been changed back to the BiL's house. SHE didn't want to change.
6. Last year, same thing.
7. My DDs (all 3 of them), feel as if DH's family doesn't give a flying fig about them. They want to do something with that side of the family, we always enjoy spending time with them, but it's really hard to get excited.
DH is right now trying to talk to all of his siblings (4 of them) and his dad and figure something out. I'm suggesting that we may want to look into renting a hall at a local hotel or something. His oldest sister already hung up on him.
Any ideas I'm not thinking of?
We all live near Indy, all within an hour of each other.
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Do you have an option to go somewhere catered like a hotel for a meal? Or a function centre where you are joining 100s of others for a celebration but just sitting at your own tables? We have done this for about 10 years as it is the only day our business is closed. We tend to book around August as places fill quickly. The places we go have full decorations, buffet meals, drink packages if needed, gifts for children, music and carollers and a decorated area for official photo portraits. We always leave full and happy!
Have you tried actually sending a printed invitation for a gathering at your DD's home? I would react to a paper invite more so than a phone call or email.
Really if your DH's family are continually so insensitive about accommodating the wheelchairs, I would just do your own celebration and visit those family members that you like on another day close to Christmas. Christmas is all about family and if someone doesn't want to play fair than they don't deserve your presence!
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We did Thanksgiving at a Holiday Inn banquet place once.
I'm actually surprised you are all still trying to "celebrate" holidays with them, seeing as how they haven't treated your girls well these past years. If this new idea doesn't take hold, I'd say it's time to just spend the holiday without them.
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This is the classic rock and a hard place situation. You want to have your kids be and feel accepted. You want to gather with your husband's family. But you've got this one unreasonable SIL. Does anyone know what her problem is? Why is the location seemingly more important to her than the feelings of other family members? If it's the tradition of going to the same place, can't someone convince her that new traditions are okay to establish?
More to your point, I think a neutral site is a fine idea. Will your DH speak up about the need for wheelchair access? He shouldn't need to, but apparently some aren't on board with it. I guess I just don't understand what seems like insensitivity.
I know this won't help you, but we solved the family/holiday bind by going out of town--just our family. We weren't torn by "sides" or had to deal with extended family members that we would rather not.
You may also be surprised by the number of restaurants that are open on those holiday days. We've had holiday meals--Thanksgiving, Christmas, even Easter at restaurants and were surprised the first time by the number of folks who go out to eat. Saves lots of hassle.
Good luck with your decision.
Your DD and her husband's accessibility should be the priority. If you have some family members who aren't "ok" with that, then honestly I wouldn't be ok with them. Actually, as soon as someone hung up on me, I would no longer be taking them into consideration. People will continue acting the way you let them. If you plan your dinner and invite DSIL, then it's not your problem if she continues to not show up for no reason.
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I'm actually surprised you are all still trying to "celebrate" holidays with them, seeing as how they haven't treated your girls well these past years. If this new idea doesn't take hold, I'd say it's time to just spend the holiday without them.
I was also VERY surprised that your still trying to find some way of celebrating
together since your girls know how that family feels about them. Good luck but if
it doesn't work out I would just spend the holiday with people who truly care
about them.
I was also VERY surprised that your still trying to find some way of celebrating
together since your girls know how that family feels about them. Good luck but if
it doesn't work out I would just spend the holiday with people who truly care
about them.
I agree with all of you about this. We (the girls and I) do this for DH. It's not that his family is mean. Some of his siblings are wonderful to my DDs. Some are not, but they're not mean. They just don't really care. His father says he loves the girls, but he and his wife do little to show it.
Our problem has been, truly, DH's oldest sister. Unfortunately, since their mother died, this SiL has been the one everyone has allowed to decide what will happen. SHE likes going to the brother's house, there she can control everything and dictate what we all do. Besides that, he has a fully stocked bar. She REALLY likes that.
I'm not big on going out to eat in a room with a lot of other people - to me, that would not allow the family togetherness that we do have. The ideas of rooms/banquet halls/etc. are great.
I'm ready to say the heck with it all, and just have a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving at my house. Or go to my sister's. Which we almost never do. Maybe we'll get to that point this year. I kind of hope, but I know it will break DH's heart.
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Teresa, I'm glad that you are letting your DH take the lead with his family on this. YOU ALL are being reasonable and trying to reach out. Can he not get a couple of his other siblings on his side to talk to everyone. I mean REALLY. Are these folks not compassionate enough to see how difficult it is for your DD? Seriously. If you can't go out of your way for family who will you go out of your way for?
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I also think it's up to your husband to work this whole thing out. He needs to talk to his brother (the one married to the SIL that runs the show) and let him know that if some family events aren't held at a house that's accessible now and then, he and your family won't be able to attend at any time. If his brother really cares about having him around, he'll want to help his wife understand the situation, and make it work.
Have your own family celebration on a different day. We always celebrated Thanksgiving on Friday so former BinLaw's kids could always be there. It also lets out of town family fly in on Thursday, which saves a ton of money.
Plan your celebrations, invite them all and accept some may not make it.
And why willit break DH's heart if you don't go to a celebration all your family cannot access?
We have Thanksgiving every year with Luke's extended family on his father's side. Each year we rotate among the four branches of the family. Only one of the 70+ family members has a home that would fit us all comfortably. So for years now we've used the fellowship hall at churches, fire station rec room, or church family life centers. It was strange at first when we switched from someone's home to a more roomy, yet less homey place. But we've all adapted and enjoy the ability to spread out and also to have so many cooks in the kitchen. Hope you all can come up with something so your girls can feel wanted and involved.
Your DD and her husband's accessibility should be the priority. If you have some family members who aren't "ok" with that, then honestly I wouldn't be ok with them..
You are to be admired for your willingness to keep on trying for your husband's sake. Unfortunately, you can't control his family. You can, however, control how you react to their behavior.
If his family refuses to compromise on accommodating your child's disabilities, then you don't go. Period. End of story. Why would you want to be with such people? The selfish behavior of this woman is bad enough-- but then there are other family members that enable her who are just as bad, maybe worse, for their silence.
Life is too short to waste your time with such people, family or not. My 2cents. I hope everything works out for you.
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Last edited by poohmaine; 11-04-2013 at 07:51 PM..
I also think it's up to your husband to work this whole thing out. He needs to talk to his brother (the one married to the SIL that runs the show) and let him know that if some family events aren't held at a house that's accessible now and then, he and your family won't be able to attend at any time. If his brother really cares about having him around, he'll want to help his wife understand the situation, and make it work.
This isn't his brother's wife. This is his Sister. The same woman who expects us all to bend over backwards because her DH is allergic to cats.
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