Here We Go Again... In-Law Rant/Vent
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pflamingo · 03-09-2011, 11:44 PM

In our last episode, DH received a nasty e-mail from his DB (my BIL) about how he never calls their mom (MIL, who lives w/ BIL), spends too much time visiting my family, blah, blah, blah.

DH sucked it up and has been calling MIL regularly to hear her talk about the weather and listen to her talk to her/BIL's dog. He e-mailed BIL to ask about any plans for MIL's upcoming 80th b'day. We had already decided I wouldn't go, but he would either drive or fly up to see her. (We live in GA, they live in DE.)

Well, today he got another e-mail from BIL ragging on us over this. Things like, "not surprised Pat won't be coming," claiming we're making excuses for me to not go, etc, but we always manage to go to see my parents. He did admit that MIL has always had issues with her DIL's (he's divorced, other bro's DW visits but gets ignored or ragged on, I got a b'day card last year w/ some snide comment). So, no, I'm not going to go where I don't feel welcome and DH supports me in that. The "excuses" BIL refers to is the fact that I was going to stay home with the dogs. He thinks we should just kennel the dogs, as that's what we do when we visit my parents. Well, no, we don't. Our dogs are welcome at my parents' house and we have a nice, inexpensive pet-friendly hotel we stay at when we visit them. We kennel two dogs and and take the other three (the ancient one and the two with separation issues). We do go to Orlando more than DH goes to visit his family, but we don't always visit my parents. Half the time we pawn a dog or two off on them and go to WDW! And my folks are fine with that! I go to visit my parents without DH at least once a year b/c he doesn't want to take the time off from work and he stays and looks after the dogs. My folks have no problem with that. He goes on a solo trip once a year, too, and that's when I stay home and look after the dogs. We like this arrangement - gives us each a bit of "me" time. The last time he visited MIL/BIL, they didn't do anything, she didn't want to go anywhere, and BIL just ragged on DH about how tough his life is b/c he's looking after MIL. He volunteered for this. The rest of us said she'd be better off in a retirement community, but he insisted she come to live with him. Now all he does is complain about it. DH wasn't really thrilled with the idea of going for her b'day, but decided he should do it. Now he's not so sure he even wants to.

Okay, I looked at what would be involved with us driving up there. I know I shouldn't compare, but... It's over twice as far to drive, any pet-friendly hotel is 2-3 times what we pay in Orlando, I don't know if we can bring the dogs over to BIL's house but I doubt it (but we can't leave them in to hotel room), and all we'd do is sit around and hear about how bad MIL's/BIL's lives are.

Money is really tight right now. We have one income and two mortgage payments til I can sell my house (from before we were married). We're trying to save to go on the DCL Transatlantic cruise in September (my birthday present - big birthday year) and frankly we'd rather put the money toward that than spend it on a trip to Delaware. I've got to either find another job or find a way to get my business going (having problems w/ start-up), so I just don't feel like doing this. Oh, and they couldn't be bothered to come to our wedding - too busy getting ready to move - so I don't really feel like I owe them anything. Petty, I know, but I don't care.

Bottom line is, we go to Orlando because we have fun there - either with my family or at WDW. We don't have fun visiting his family. I'm not going to put myself through that, and I'm sure not going to spend money to go some place that's not fun.

Give me strength, give me advice, give me a martini, tell me I'm a selfish little witch, tell me about your in-law horror stories. Thanks for letting me vent!

minemoz1 · 03-10-2011, 12:02 AM

I'd give you a martini if I could PM it to you. I personally wouldn't let their guilt tripping or snide comments bother me. My 80 yr old mother is the queen supreme of the guilt trip. Set your boundaries and move on. Send a nice card along with your DH or send her 80th BD flowers (on your own) while he's there to be "nice". They always seem to smooth things over a bit with my mom for a while.

**chezp** · 03-10-2011, 01:36 AM

HollyH · 03-10-2011, 06:20 AM

It sounds as if you cannot win in this situation. It sounds as if BIL will rage if you're there, and will rage if you aren't. Some people just like to be miserable. I would just do what you feel is best for you and your DH. Don't feel guilty about your choice.

**HiddenMickey** · 03-10-2011, 06:44 AM

No, you shouldn't feel like younhave to go and you don't have to make excuses.

But, I also think your BIL may have caregiver burnout. When was the last time he could get away? You guys might think about offering to come up later in the year so that he could have a vacation. Or maybe bring MIL down to visit you. It may not be something you want to do, but it would be the compassionate thing to do. Caring for a grumpy elder has obviously been hard on him.

home4us123 · 03-10-2011, 06:47 AM

**rescuesk** · 03-10-2011, 07:20 AM

I like Michele's idea of sending flowers on your own. That shows that you still consider her your MiL even if she doesn't make you fel welcome. Tons of

for the situation!

RoonieRooToo · 03-10-2011, 08:24 AM

I do think that your DH should go for whatever minimum time he can get away with going. But I don't think you should go. For these reasons:

1) You have a good plan for making this necessary trip for DH not horribly expensive with you staying with the dogs.
2) I do not think it truly benefits anybody's mental well being for you to go.
3) It sounds like DBIL likes to complain about things, so you're giving himself some joy in that he'll be able to complain about you not being there.

I spent many years making myself literally crazy going where family told me to go that I didn't want to go and being here or there and miserable. I literally drove myself into the hospital from the results of stress and anxiety over it.

I found a wonderful doctor that taught me how to always have exit strategies in place for those family situations and it was like a miracle stress cure. I found that I could deal with the bad things just knowing that I could leave whenever without relying on another person.

I am a big advocate of looking after your own mental health first. If the your DBIL wasn't hostile, it would be worth going to give him relief or support. That is the way it is with my SIL. She chose to have DH and her's mother live with them but my MIL is literally the sweetest, kindest soul on this earth so it is very easy to do what we can for emotional support when SIL needs "a break" which all caretakers need.

BUT the difference here is that SIL is aware that there will reach a point when MIL will need to live at a care facility and we'll all be ready when that time comes. I'm not sure I understand why DBIL is fighting it for your MIL. It sounds like they are both heartily miserable and I can't imagine that this level of misery is doing his health and life any good. If MIL is miserable, it's not good for her either. Mental well being is as important as physical well being.

My mother is so happy in her retirement community. It was hard for her the first year until she got to know people and make friends. Now, we can hardly see her because she is so busy with her friends she doesn't really have time for us!

Basically, you should not feel guilty protecting you and DH's well being. I do think that BIL is probably close to a breaking point and his ragging might be a reaching out for help in a passive aggressive way. I don't think you visiting will solve this problem but the siblings need to address more forcefully MIL's living situation. DH might want to put together a plan for this birthday visit to start the conversation within the family.

pflamingo · 03-10-2011, 08:40 AM

Thanks for the ideas and pixies, everyone! I like Michelle's idea, too, though I know MIL will just say sending flowers is a waste of money. But she can't say I didn't make an effort.

As for giving BIL a break, I doubt he would take it. And MIL refuses to go anywhere, so she won't come to visit us. She's actually perfectly happy sitting home every day, watching TV and talking to the dog. BIL's complaint is he has no social life b/c of her - but he had no social life before she came to live with him, either. He claims he can't date b/c she's living there and it's like being 16 again. I'm thinking, "Hello, you're a 50-something year old man. If you want to go out, go out." MIL is actually in excellent health so it's not like she needs constant care - or any care for that matter. She's perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

He ended the e-mail with a snide comment about how DH and their other brother are still in her will - 3-way split. So you know what this is really all about.

**Colexis Mom** · 03-10-2011, 08:45 AM

RoonieRooToo · 03-10-2011, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pflamingo

As for giving BIL a break, I doubt he would take it. And MIL refuses to go anywhere, so she won't come to visit us. She's actually perfectly happy sitting home every day, watching TV and talking to the dog. BIL's complaint is he has no social life b/c of her - but he had no social life before she came to live with him, either. He claims he can't date b/c she's living there and it's like being 16 again. I'm thinking, "Hello, you're a 50-something year old man. If you want to go out, go out." MIL is actually in excellent health so it's not like she needs constant care - or any care for that matter. She's perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Now, that is like my SIL! A lot of times SIL thinks that MIL is too frail to be left alone. Her DH has to kind of intervene sometimes for MIL so that she can get some alone time herself. I wonder if this is a syndrome for caretakers.

My MIL is very similar in that she doesn't like to go out but that is more because it is hard on her to walk any particular distance and she ends up hurting the next day. So it is more pleasant for her to be comfortable at home with family. But she does get tired of family all the time and, frankly, would really like us to just let her have alone time with the dogs. She is a huge dog lover and I'm pretty sure that when she does visit us, she is more coming to visit our dog.

minemoz1 · 03-10-2011, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pflamingo

Thanks for the ideas and pixies, everyone! I like Michelle's idea, too, though I know MIL will just say sending flowers is a waste of money. But she can't say I didn't make an effort.

My mother is the same way, never happy with anything. It's just how they are. BUT, they really do enjoy the flowers. They just won't admit it.

My parents are now in a retirement community and really enjoying it, but my mom's memory is going. Though, she's much nicer now that she has problems remembering.

JoanneS · 03-10-2011, 09:42 AM

Ugh! I don't think you can win, no matter what decision you make. It sounds like your BIL just needs to complain so he's going to do that irregardless of what you decide. I like the idea of sending flowers on her birthday (or a subscription to TV Guide) and staying home. I think you should do what feels best to you, and not worry about what your BIL thinks. Good luck.

krisk11 · 03-10-2011, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HollyH

It sounds as if you cannot win in this situation. It sounds as if BIL will rage if you're there, and will rage if you aren't. Some people just like to be miserable. I would just do what you feel is best for you and your DH. Don't feel guilty about your choice.

Well said. Life is too short. Do what makes you happy as long as you aren't hurting someone else and trust me this isn't hurting them. They probably love that you aren't coming so that they have something else to complain about since that seems to be their life blood.

Teresa · 03-10-2011, 10:53 AM

Your BIL sounds like he loves to make sure others know how miserable he is and he revels in being miserable. He won't be happy if you show up, he won't be happy if you do. Your DH just needs to mention that it's cost prohibitive for you to come and bring the dogs with you. And tell his brother that HE enjoys your family because they make him feel welcome and they do things with you guys when you visit (without saying that your BIL doesn't do this).
Also, while your MIL seems to enjoy being left alone, you might suggest to your DH that he suggest they find a "Senior Day Care" or something like it. Your BIL needs to have some respite. Maybe something on a Saturday afternoon so he can date???

An In-law story, since you asked: When DD Samantha got married, one of DH's brothers refused to attend because "She hardly ever calls me". This is the same guy who wanted me to be at the hospital with him when his DD had her 4th baby - she hasn't spoken to me in over 10 years, since her parent's divorce!
AND one of DH's sisters refused to attend because her ex-husband was invited. Let me explain: Samantha was injured on June 28, 1990. My niece was born that day, but her mother has never wanted her to know she was born on such a sad day for our family (although her birth was a huge joy for us, too!) Samantha's husband was injured on June 28, 1995ish. They wanted to make June 28th a special day for them, and no longer a sad day. The year they wanted to get married, June 28th just happened to be on a Saturday AND my niece's 18th birthday. SO - Samantha invited her cousin's father, partly because she still respects and loves her uncle and partly because it was her cousin's birthday and she didn't want her to feel pulled between being with her family and being at her cousin's wedding.
It's been 3 years, and while I'm sure Samantha is "over it", I'm not! I'm still upset that they both thought so little of MY DD's wedding, they'd not come for petty reasons. (and BTW - I've been to all of theirs, even when I knew they were mistakes).

Anyway, good luck with the whole MIL, BIL issue. They're never going to happy, so you might as well not try.
Now, if BIL were having a huge party I'd think you should go, but since they're really not doing anything, I don't think it matters.