Probably insulted my brother, but... (long vent)
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pflamingo · 06-20-2009, 04:58 PM

Okay, I just got back from visiting my folks in Orlando, and discussing wedding plans for our ceremony in October. We're having a very low-key church ceremony, followed by dinner at a Disney restaurant (like Narcoosee's or Artist's Point) - just DFiance, me, my parents, and maybe a couple of our siblings (my brother, one of DF's brothers) and their wives. Herein lies the problem.

My current sister-in-law (long story about the "current" part) is from a former-Soviet-republic you've probably never heard of. She's been over here four years now, she's God's own authority on everything, and thinks everything about America in general, and our family in particular, is wrong. She regularly insults what we do, things we like, etc. DF and I want this to be a joyous, fun celebration for our family and we don't really want to hear about how our Mickey-topped wedding cake is "stupid", or our ceremony is "too long" (DF wants a Catholic ceremony complete w/ Mass), or the restaurant is "too expensive" (we're paying for it), or any other complaints or insults.

Here's the next problem. Sis-in-law will insist that her 17-yr-old daughter be invited. We actually like her better than her mom, except that she won't want to attend the ceremony and she won't eat anything at the restaurant (although she'll order something). She and her mom also argue about everything - like when we ask her about college, and she says she wants to go to an Ivy-league school (yes, she's that bright) and her mom starts yammering about why she should go back to the "old country" for college. We're not inviting any of DF's or my nieces/nephews, and we don't have an unlimited budget for this dinner.

So here's the potential insult. The last day I was at Mom & Dad's, DB came over (w/o SIL, who didn't come over the entire week I was there). I told him about our plans, and said he and SIL are invited, but we don't want any "drama" - without getting into any details. He kind of rolled his eyes and mumbled something about "I'll talk to her" and left shortly thereafter. DB is well aware of the things SIL says and does - she does the same things to him.

Okay, so am I totally out of line here? I've really tried to get along w/ SIL, but she intentionally does things to hack off my mom, who's over 80 and doesn't need the grief. Even if I am out of line, thanks for the vent!

CinderAbby · 06-20-2009, 05:04 PM

I give you a lot of credit for even inviting them. If it were me, to avoid grief and insulting anyone I would probably limit dinner to myself/DF, my parents and his parents NO siblings of any kind. That way you wouldn't get well's he's invited and I'm not blah, blah, blah and you won't get any comments on your wedding day.

I know when I got married, the people Lenny and I worked kept asking who we were going to invite (we both worked at the same place) and I just told them "family only, no co-workers." Some didn't like it but they accepted it because NO ONE from work was getting invited.

Aliceacc · 06-20-2009, 05:18 PM

I would invite my brother and sister in law. If she has a hissy fit because her daughter isn't invited, so be it. She can choose not to attend.

But do your brother the honor of inviting him and his wife.

Huntermom · 06-20-2009, 07:51 PM

If yur are not inviting any nieces and nephews, simply say no children are invited it's an adults only wedding. No need to explain or argue. It's your choice.

**chelle89** · 06-20-2009, 08:02 PM

I think you did the right thing! It's your wedding, your choice.

wheatenwalker · 06-20-2009, 08:02 PM

I dont think thats out of line, I am sure he knows exactly what you are talking about-

pflamingo · 06-20-2009, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Huntermom

If yur are not inviting any nieces and nephews, simply say no children are invited it's an adults only wedding. No need to explain or argue. It's your choice.

Oh, she won't argue. She'll just bring her daughter along and say, "well it's not fair to leave her out".

This is the same woman who insists they bring their dog to my parents' house, even tho' Mom has made it clear she doesn't want the dog there (they don't use flea control on it and Mom's dog gets fleas from theirs). Then mom will ask them to leave the dog in the yard or on the patio, but my SIL says "it's okay" and brings the dog in the house.

According to her, in her country, the guest dictates the terms of the visit, and the host is supposed to go along w/ it.

Aliceacc · 06-20-2009, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pflamingo

Oh, she won't argue. She'll just bring her daughter along and say, "well it's not fair to leave her out".

This is the same woman who insists they bring their dog to my parents' house, even tho' Mom has made it clear she doesn't want the dog there (they don't use flea control on it and Mom's dog gets fleas from theirs). Then mom will ask them to leave the dog in the yard or on the patio, but my SIL says "it's okay" and brings the dog in the house.

According to her, in her country, the guest dictates the terms of the visit, and the host is supposed to go along w/ it.

Then it might be time for your brother to talk with his wife about how things work here.

Huntermom · 06-20-2009, 08:23 PM

Poor kid. I wouldn't plan on an extra person and I guess you could ask that she find somewhere to amuse herself during your dinner. Both places that you are thinking of are in resorts, so a 17 year old could most certainly be left alone, reading a book or magazine.

Maybe you could get your S-I-L an ettiquette book with a card saying it must be hard understanding the rules in another country, but these are the ones peple play by here and you are sure she'll be happier knowing them.

pflamingo · 06-20-2009, 08:37 PM

You guys are so funny! This is what I mean when I say she thinks everything about our country is wrong. She would just say our etiquette rules are wrong. She gives my brother sooo much grief if she doesn't get her way - he just gives in to her b/c it's easier. She once even had me - the bleeding-heart liberal pacifist - defending the 2nd amendment when she said no one should be allowed to have guns in this country. (Actually, I don't really have a problem w/ 2nd amend.)

This is why I refer to family get-togethers as trips to "Scary Family World"!

**Colexis Mom** · 06-20-2009, 10:08 PM

I don't think you're out of line!

RoonieRooToo · 06-20-2009, 11:06 PM

**Thumbing through my books and travelogues from travelling through the then Soviet Union and Eastern Europe while working towards my degrees with emphasis on Soviet and Eastern block.**

**Shuffling through my memories of various families I stayed with.**

Hmm...nope, I don't remember any time, anywhere that the guest was expected to get every darn thing they wanted no matter what. I DO clearly remember etiquette towards guests that were very kind and welcoming but a matched expectation that guests be kind and thoughtful. But then again, maybe I didn't travel to her obscure part of the country.

Edit: Oh, I do clearly remember getting hammered due to kind locals handing me vodka shots left and right during the white nights in Leningrad.

pflamingo · 06-20-2009, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoonieRooToo

Oh, I do clearly remember getting hammered due to kind locals handing me vodka shots left and right during the white nights in Leningrad.

Hey, I remember a similar experience involving beer and the morning train from Edinburgh to York! It was my birthday.

I think her rudeness has less to do w/ her culture and far more to do w/ her personality.

wheatenwalker · 06-20-2009, 11:57 PM

I have a S-I-L that acts alot like that and she from LI

**chezp** · 06-21-2009, 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Huntermom

If yur are not inviting any nieces and nephews, simply say no children are invited it's an adults only wedding. No need to explain or argue. It's your choice.

That's my view as well.