How to explain to an Asperger's kid that it might be OK to tell a little lie? - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
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How to explain to an Asperger's kid that it might be OK to tell a little lie?
11yo has Asperger's and is, ummm, shall we say, "frank". She has learned to keep her mouth shut most of the time, but there are instances when she gets in a position that she HAS to speak up. Case in point, last night's dance class. 11yo came down and said, "I don't like B's dance, it's easy and not that great." My response: "OK, but do NOT tell B that, you know she'll have a melt down". "Yeah, I know". On the way home, what's the first thing B asks? "Hey, S, how did you like my dance?" Cricket, cricket, cricket. "S?" "*S* ANSWER ME!" Finally I told S to answer her and she'd better answer carefully, so S says, "I didn't like it." Oh my heavens, all heck broke loose. After I reminded S that I had already warned her NOT to say something that would hurt B's feelings, she says, "What am I supposed to do, LIE?" I'm thinking, well yeah. I tried to explain that you say it in a way that doesn't hurt the other person, like, "It was fine" or "OK" or even just an "mmmmmm", but she doesn't get it. Any strategies? I don't want her to think it's OK to lie, but at the same time, this is a social nuance that is VERY difficult to grasp.
coming up next on Parenting 411: how to get a sensitive kid to just GET OVER IT???
Sounds like a tough spot, Dawn. I guess the way I'd handle (and have with my kids who get severly punished for lying, so they really do not lie) is to tell her that she should say something like:
"Well, I don't really like it, but it looked like you are really enjoying yourself, and I'm glad you are happy!"
When faced with telling someone that I didn't really like their whatever...I've come up with...."It was interesting...." Which is usually the truth, in most cases. I just don't say what made it interesting....which might be something akin to a train wreck. You don't really want to look, but you just can't help it.....
My little one is very well let's say "just say what she means" type of girl...I have tried to explain to her that sometimes telling the truth can hurt someone's feelings...so DD tells me but mommy lying is bad...so I explained to her that if you don't like something talk about something else...she did not understand at first so I gave her this example...
If her friend says "Do you like my dress?"
If she doesn't like it don't say "No it's an ugly dress" instead tell her "You look very pretty"...
Ok not the most direct but the girl might have still looked pretty even if she was in an ugly dress...
It's always important to teach kids to share appropriately their feelings about something; she could have said "I liked that xxx move you had in your dance" or similar. That way she's not lying, but she is finding something she did like about it. It's what I try to practice as well.
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Tricky one, Asperger's or not. In general, kids are brutally honest with each other, especially siblings. It's tough if one of them is more sensitive. I think it's a thing you learn with time and experience, how to neatly dodge a loaded question. I don't think I'd expect an 11 year old to have the finesse to find something nice to say under that kind of pressure. I think she did just fine. Yeah, the tougher question is how to get the other one to not be so sensitive. Good luck.
I don't know--- we had this problem with Aidan (also has aspergers. We just kept telling him that you never say something that will hurt someone's feelings or make them feel bad. And we kept asking him how he would feel if we said (I can't remember the example) to him, and he kept saying that he'd feel bad--- he seems to understand. Last year he told his friend that his hair looked like "pie" and we had to keep telling him how that hurt the boy's feelings (don't know why his hair looks like pie)--- he wasn't trying to be mean. I don't know--- I feel like we're always reinforcing sometimes he seems to get it and then he'll say something again...
My sister has a great response when asked her opinion on something she doesn`t like - "its alright if you like that sort of thing" Works in many situations and it isn`t a lie!
She did the right thing by telling the truth. However, there's nothing wrong with teaching her to soften the honest truth by following it up with a compliment.
"I didn't really like it, but you looked like you were enjoying yourself and that's good."
As to the one pressing for answers - she needs to learn not to fish for compliments. Instead of the compliment she was anticipating, she may get answers she doesn't want to hear.
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How to explain to an Asperger's kid that it might be OK to tell a little lie?
She has learned to keep her mouth shut most of the time, but there are instances when she gets in a position that she HAS to speak up. Case in point, last night's dance class. 11yo came down and said, "I don't like B's dance, it's easy and not that great." My response: "OK, but do NOT tell B that, you know she'll have a melt down". "Yeah, I know". On the way home, what's the first thing B asks? "Hey, S, how did you like my dance?" Cricket, cricket, cricket. "S?" "*S* ANSWER ME!" Finally I told S to answer her and she'd better answer carefully, so S says, "I didn't like it." Oh my heavens, all heck broke loose. After I reminded S that I had already warned her NOT to say something that would hurt B's feelings, she says, "What am I supposed to do, LIE?" I'm thinking, well yeah. 
I tried to explain that you say it in a way that doesn't hurt the other person, like, "It was fine" or "OK" or even just an "mmmmmm", but she doesn't get it. Any strategies? I don't want her to think it's OK to lie, but at the same time, this is a social nuance that is VERY difficult to grasp.
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Instead of the compliment she was anticipating, she may get answers she doesn't want to hear. 
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