Family problems~ I am near tears! About This Page:

[TiggGrrrl]

Wow, Ann, I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Please don't cancel your trip because of this man. As many of the others said, maybe you could stay in non-adjoining rooms. Of course, saying you canceled your trip and then actually going might not be such a bad idea either. This man sounds like an absolute control freak and noone wants that on their Disney vacation.

Whatever you choose to do, we're here for you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[disneyknut]

I love Septembers idea of code words.. this way DH & I will know one or the other has had enough of this man & then can get away somewhere!
Pat- No, we don't have to have adjoining rooms but we do need 2 rooms for just the 5 of my immediate family .. At All-Stars they only let you have 4 in the room & since DD turned 4 they wont let us have all of us in one room & since MIL is only staying part of the trip we have to have the extra room for those nights she's not there!

Hidden Mickey- yes, MIL needs to get help but as long as she stays & makes excuses then there's no hope.. AND she does'nt HAVE to stay.. she is an enabler & is allowing this to go on so it's her fault.
There is a long & wierd history behind their relationship...
Here's the scoop ( If you like soap operas you'll like this!)Now follow this closely, there will be a quiz at the end of this [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img] ( Can you tell I'm feeling a little better!)
MIL & FIL were happily married for 25 years, FIL had a brain injury but she took care of him & didn't seem to mind...
FIL's sister passes away & after a couple of months, MIL goes out to Minnesota to help her BIL ( Uncle Dick) to settle SIL's affairs & ends up ( to be blunt) having an affair with her BIL & then decides to leave FIL & tells my DH "You can handle taking care of Dad!" my DH at the time was 20YO & could barely take care of himself let alone a handicapped man! ( can you see why I love that man.. he's sooo responsible!)
Well, MIL moved to MN with"Uncle Dick" & divorced FIL. Dick's 5 children disowned him due to this & my DH & BIL were very upset with MIL for desserting their Dad...
Everyone understand this???? Pretty goofy huh??
I do have to add that even tho StepFIL has a horrible temper with MIL he has NEVER NEVER become angry or violent with myself, DH or my kids. He can be super angry at her & turn around & play with my kids ( can you say 'mental case????) I think his act is a 'controlling' issue with MIL he wants to totallly control her & if she doesn't listen ..All H#ll breaks loose.
I also have to add that MIL is a super huge nag & can drive a person nutty ( our arguments are legendary) but like I said above she is allowing herself to be treated like a doormat.. she is only 54 YO & young enough to have a good life ( StepFIL is 74YO)
THanks for letting me go on... MIL & stepFIL are off shopping & visiting her Mom all day today so it's been a nice day here!!! tonight DS has a baseball game so we wont be around them too much & they go back home on MONDAY!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!
Back to the problem at hand,... I may keep the door to the adjoining room locked & thus if he wants to yell at MIL.. he can & we wont hear! The rooms are in my DH name so I might talk to MIL on the pretense of keeping the noise down etc.. "tell Uncle Dick he has to keep quiet in the room or JIm will get in trouble" that might work... Tell them they're not on the ressies & we can get in a lot of trouble if someone finds out they are. ( We are informing Disney of them staying with us at check-in but we don't have to tell MIL that, right!! See Pat I'm devious too!!!)
If he starts to act-up in the parks we can simply walk away & act like we don't know them! [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
Thanks soooo much for being here for me guys!!!

[wdwlovers]

I would really hate to see you cancel your trip because of this %#*hole! (pardon my language) I like the idea of code words as well! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img] Keep us posted!

[Versafox]

I'm with Hidden Mickey on this -- cancel your trip. Or at least PRETEND to cancel, and then tell MIL and StepFIL exactly why you are cancelling.

If MIL tries to defend this by saying you get made and yell at your DH too, just tell her, calmly and nicely, that this isn't about your relationship with your husband. This is about exposing your children to the sort of verbal and emotional abuse that HER husband sees fit to demonstrate. You don't treat your DH like that, he doesn't treat you like that, and you don't treat your kids like that. And you WON'T, for any reason, allow anyone else to treat your kids like that.

She's likely to get into a snit and stomp off and maybe not call you or come by for quite awhile. that's okay. It's more important for you to protect your children (and yourself) from StepFIL and his abuse. Your MIL is a grown woman, and she'll make her own decisions. Sometime (probably not right now) you can let her know you'll be there for her if she ever wants out of this abusive marriage. But for right now, the important thing is for you to protect your family.

Once the "mutual" trip has supposedly been cancelled, go right on planning the trip for JUST your kids, your DH and yourself. You aren't lying to anyone -- the extended family trip has been cancelled. A new trip, for just the immediate family (you, DH and the kids) is being planned.

Here's my 2 cents worth. I'd keep myself, my kids and my DH as FAR AWAY from both of these people as I possibly could. They are toxic to your well-being in every sense of the word.

[TINKN]

If he's a muli-millionaire couldn't you talk them into staying at some place nicer, say The Grand Floridian! That would give you some space! Would it be a stretch for you do get one room at POR (with a trundle bed) instead of two rooms at the All-Stars? That would force them to get a separate room from you. They have the money anyway right. Just tell them that you found a really good deal on rooms at POR and might they be able to get theie own room.

Other than that, all I can say is that WDW is a huge place and it's very easy to get lost if need be.

[kadterp]

Wow, in plain English, that sucks! Sorry about what happened. I would either call Disney and ask for seperate rooms, not adjoining, or tell your mom that if it keeps up that you will not be comfy going there with him. I wouldnt cancel your trip, but hope that he doesnt ruin it for you too! Good luck on what you make your decision on, and know that we are here for you!

[DVC_Don]

Personaly I'd cancel and then reschedule a trip just for you. Also make sure your Mom has an abuse hot line. It sounds like FiL is right on the edge and there may be more going on than you know about.

[Teresa]

Okay, I have a question- why is there no mention of confronting HIM?
You could do a whole thing about how you really would like the kids to like him and it scares them when he yells. But, also, add that you know you have no say in their family dynamics and if this is working for your MIL, so be it.
I almost hesitate to say it, but if married him for his money, she deserves what she gets.
You might want to take her aside and ask her if she is scared of him and if she is still comfortable in the marraige though, she may be scared to leave (TV reports and shows are full of murdered or beaten wives that try to leave)

Good Luck, and I hope it works out

Also, I noticed that you have boys. Please talk to them about why that is wrong, how it made them feel, and how it should have been handled- "I was wooried when I got back and you were not where I left you"

[ 07-26-2002, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Teresa ]

[Elliot'sDragon]

AMEN! Theresa!

He is a bully because everyone around him allows it. Tell him he is no longer invited to go on vacation. Rememeber, this is your vacation. Should you and DH and children spend vacation sitting on pins and needles waiting for this control freak to blow.

[MThorfinns]

Let me get this right, you are paying for the rooms? Tell StepFIL that you want every child to have his her own bed and will now need both beds in the second room. Option to pay for one himself is up to him.

Confronting him may do nothing except excelerate what surely appears to be an abusive situation that is just waiting to go over the edge to a physically abusive relationship. My sister was in an abusive marriage for 24 years 9 months. He started out with the same verbal junk and then moved on. She landed in a hospital twice and feared for her safety on a regular basis. He wasn't abusive with the rest of us because ultimately he was a coward with anyone except her. She and I didn't speak for 2 years because I was tired of talking with her about the situation in which she chose to remain. We finally started talking again when we agreed that the subject of her marriage was off limits until she determined that she needed to make her status more palatable. When she decided to divorce, I was there to support her, but ultimately (as with your MIL)only she can determine when she is ready to make the relationship work or leave.

[BostonTeaParty]

Hi Ann,

I am so in agreement with those here that think you should take the trip w/out the in-laws. Not only is the FIL a control freak, he is on the verge of completely losing control of himself. Most control freaks are people whose lives are out-of-control. The screaming in front of your children is completely unacceptable. If he screams that way at WDW he is going to end up with security confronting him. If he screams at your MIL in their room, the folks on the other side may just call security if they hear him carrying on like that. Your trip to WDW with your children and DH is just too precious to risk spoiling by fearing an outburst from FIL.

Hope everything works out.

Nancy [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[Fortissimo]

I hate to admit this, but you step-FIL sounds like my father. My father wasn't always like this, but after he had his first heart attack at age 36, he turned into your Step-FIL. The doctors explained to my mother that it was almost like a brain injury caused by lack of oxygen during his heart attack.

I notice that you have two rooms at the All-Stars. With the great codes coming out right now, would it be possible for you to cancel your two rooms and book CBR and request a fold-a-way? PO-R does have the trundle bed, but it might be very crowded in the room with 5. What about looking into the FW Cabins? They are also heavily discounted.

Please, from a person who grew up in the situation you are discribing, please do not let your children stay with this man. Run, kick, and scream your way out of two adjoinging rooms. DO this for your children.

[Joguss]

I am not sure of the ages of your children and I am not sure of the slleping arrangements you have in your own personal room , but I have this suggestion. Buy an inflatable bed for your room at allstars. This way if the FIL becomes a problem your 5th family member can sleep in your room. We blew up the mattress at night and packed it away in the morning, because 2 DD did not want to sleep together. Since you have the 2 rooms anyway, the count of people would work, but the extra child would not have to spend the night with FIL if things got tough.

[pflamingo]

I really think you should take Forti's advice and consider switching to one room at a moderate if you can make use of one of the codes. Even if you have to eat mac & cheese for a month to save up the extra $, it'll be worth it to be away from them. Contact Jean and see what she can do for you. She might be able to get you a real deal, so that you can keep the kids in the room w/ you. (Just remember she's swamped for the next couple of days with all the code stuff. She'll get you the best rate possible, though.)

I also like the idea of telling them you need both rooms for the kids, and they're going to have to make some other arrangements. If he's got that much money, he can pay for it himself. Why should you pay extra to have to risk him making you miserable? Or even tell them that you want to keep the kids in a room w/ you, and you'll need to switch to a moderate resort to do that, and you can't afford to pay for two rooms. If MIL wants to know the reason, just say that you don't want to take the chance of him blowing up at her in front of one of your kids. If she has a problem w/ that (and she probably will), better to deal w/ her than risk a scene at Disney.

When I read your first post, I was thinking, if that was at Disney World, security would be escorting him out of the park. And the circumstances surrounding them getting together -- jeez!! She's a real piece of work, too. Your DH sounds like a good guy to take on the responsibility of his dad's care.

Hang in there!

[allysonh]

I agree with Forti too. Don't let him (or them) ruin your vacation!! I think you should also say something to your MIL about how she allows him to treat her and everyone else like that and that it's wrong and don't be suprised if you stickup for yourself and your family.

My stepfather can be kind of obnoxious (but not abusive) and my mom would allow him to be like that, but if I were to try and defend myself, she would stick up for him! Finally, I said something to her about letting him fight his own battles (especially since he starts them) and she finally backed off. My stepfathere and I get along much better now!

Good luck!