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First, take legal advice only a lawyer in your state. Family law is controlled by the state and varies from state to state. There is also a process called recusal, which a judge uses if he/she has a conflict. He should take himself off the case, but you can also ask.
My husband left after 30 years of marriage and towards the end of our marriage, contributed less and less to household expenses. I still haven't figured out where all his income went. He was paying for oil, telephone, electricity and internet. He would buy food for his lunches and meals he cooked, but never thought to buy anything for the kids to eat. In retrospect, I suspect he had lots of expenses related to his girlfriends. I once saw a phone bill with a huge amount to a phone sex service. He stated he did it once out of curiosity, but in retrospect, I suspect it was more. And while he denied being involved with other women, he, too would leave my laptop open with emails up. Even when he left he initally denied being involved with someone until I really confronted him and then he said he was glad he confessed-he felt better. I think that's when a light finally went off.
I was devasted when he left and financially it was very difficult (I had two kids in college and no support from him. Four years later, things are much better and I am much happier. I think back and realize what a fool I was.
Good luck in your decision. Do you have a professional you can run things by?
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I'm so sad for you.
One question...you seem to think that he'd try to get custody of the kids. Are you sure? Sounds to me like doing so would be taking on a lot more responsibility (since you currently do most everything around the house) and it may be that he wouldn't want to be in charge of everything. Something to think about?
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Look into a lawyer in your state but maybe in the next county over. Why I say this? Because I was almost in the same position that you are in. My ex husband and I, we were only married for 7 years (right out of high school). The last three years of our marriage he started hiding things from me, spending money that we didn't have, not making the house payment (house that we had just moved into) and was never home to help out with the kids. I started getting suspicious when he would not even talk on the phone around me. I could not afford a PI so I started investigating on my own and let me mention that I was pregnant with our 3rd child at the time.
Eventually I found out that he was seeing someone else and she was also pregnant with his child.
So I went to the next county over and got a lawyer. Why? Because his dad was friends with all the lawyers and police officers and court workers. I was scared but I did what I had to do. It all worked out eventually and now my current husband has adopted my children and we could not be happier.
Aww, I'm so sorry for you and your family. While I don't think you should rush into any decisions, I would definitely have a consultation with a divorce attorney. Your custody fears might be unfounded.
First of all, let me thank you for letting me vent and for the thoughts and pixies. It really was nice to get this off my chest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teresa
No problem "listening" to you vent. You need it and this is a safe place to do it.
Since you asked: WWYD? I'll tell you what I'd like to think I'd do:
First - do you have access to his BANK account? Is there a way you can find out how much he has, and where it's been going? If the money is there, pay the mortgage.
I'd like to think I'd leave the sorry guy. It sounds like you two are nothing more than roommates. You have separate money and no idea of if something's been paid. He doesn't even help out around the house! IS he a good father? Does he play with/listen to/talk to the kids?
Is there another county close to you? Can you maybe move there? Then you could file for divorce/child support in THAT county and avoid the local judge, etc that your FiL knows! Before any of that, though - I'd get all of the paper evidence I could about what he provides and what you do.
That's what I'd like to think I'd do.
What I'd probably do if I still loved the guy and thought we could work it out: Threaten to leave him. Let him know that there are terms to you staying and they include: he pays the mortgage, and he at least stops being so blatant about his possible other women.
Pixies for you and the kids. It can't be easy.
I do have access to his account, but he uses the ATM to withdraw money, so I don't know where it is going. The papers from the bank that came said that they were lowering the payments for a period of 6 months and then if he paid on time, they would consider leaving the payments in the lower amount, so the house is safe for now. If they did take the house, I would move in with my parents briefly. I have threatened to leave him before, and he will behave for a few weeks and then he is back to doing the same old thing again. This has been going on since I was pregnant with our first child who is 9. I had preterm labor with my son and was on bedrest, and couldn't work. I asked him to make my car payment and he wouldn't. Then I found an IM to a lady in another city, where he wanted to come "see" her and said he would bring her some money to help her out . Sad. He is a decent father....just lazy and sets poor examples and looses his temper and gets a little physically rough at times. I believe in spanking, but he goes too far. I have been hurt so many times, and am so bitter, that, no I don't love him anymore....I can't ever remember loving him at this point. It comes closer to hate at this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by B.M.
I don't have much advice to offer, but in bouncing off the above poster I will say that even if you move to a different county, you are required to file in the county that you lived in (marital residence). There are a few exceptions to this, but they are very few. If your sure you want out of the marriage, you need to contact a lawyer that can MAKE SURE you get a fair hearing.
With that said, divorce is NO fun and I have witnessed testimonies of marriages that were horrible and with prayer and committment (from both parties) were saved and went on to lead very happy marriages.
Either way- Definately prayers for you and your family.
I do have to file in my county. We would have to live in another county for 6 months to be able to file there. He has no desire to go to counseling because "there is no problem". Thank you for the prayers....they are much needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoanneS
You can vent here anytime. You certainly seem unhappy. A wise person once asked me, "would your life be better with him or without him? if the answer is without him, then you know what to do" I have no advice beyond that. I just hope you find a place where you can be happy.
MY life would be better without him, but my kids....I'm not so sure. I haven't left yet, because, the kids don't see us fight, because we don't even speak. It is just sad for me to think that the kids can't be with both parents all the time. I was married before and my oldest son is from that marriage. I don't know if I can bring myself to do that to 2 more children. My DS 1 is another reason that I really "need" to leave. My husband has never really been nice to my son...it varies from ignoring him, to cussing/yelling at him. He never speaks to him in a kind way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4Disney2
my sister was in a horrendous marriage and after 13 years decided to separate.
he was awful, lied and was abusive, emotionally and physically.
I feared for her life, I always though one day we would get the phone call that they found her "accidentally dead" that bad it was.
It has been two years, she is much better in every respect, it was not easy but it was the right thing to do. She is a lot happier and safe.
Like I have read;..... men "speak with actions" ...
My husband has thankfully never laid a hand on me. I can't imagine what your sister went through. I'm so glad she got out of that marriage. I had a dear friend who wasn't that lucky.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huntermom
First, take legal advice only a lawyer in your state. Family law is controlled by the state and varies from state to state. There is also a process called recusal, which a judge uses if he/she has a conflict. He should take himself off the case, but you can also ask.
My husband left after 30 years of marriage and towards the end of our marriage, contributed less and less to household expenses. I still haven't figured out where all his income went. He was paying for oil, telephone, electricity and internet. He would buy food for his lunches and meals he cooked, but never thought to buy anything for the kids to eat. In retrospect, I suspect he had lots of expenses related to his girlfriends. I once saw a phone bill with a huge amount to a phone sex service. He stated he did it once out of curiosity, but in retrospect, I suspect it was more. And while he denied being involved with other women, he, too would leave my laptop open with emails up. Even when he left he initally denied being involved with someone until I really confronted him and then he said he was glad he confessed-he felt better. I think that's when a light finally went off.
I was devasted when he left and financially it was very difficult (I had two kids in college and no support from him. Four years later, things are much better and I am much happier. I think back and realize what a fool I was.
Good luck in your decision. Do you have a professional you can run things by?
I just feel like a fool for staying, but leaving also makes me feel like a fool....twice married, twice failed. My first husband got into drugs, and it wasn't safe for me and DS to stay. He is clean and healthy now, but it was a long road. He had to lose everything before he could recover. We are good friends now. He was a good husband and father before the drugs, and now is again a good father to our son and is the custodial parent of his 5 year old son....his 2nd wife was also a drug user and refused to clean up, so now she is his ex.....now he knows how I felt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HiddenMickey
I'm so sad for you.
One question...you seem to think that he'd try to get custody of the kids. Are you sure? Sounds to me like doing so would be taking on a lot more responsibility (since you currently do most everything around the house) and it may be that he wouldn't want to be in charge of everything. Something to think about?
I think he would fight for custody of our son, but not daughter. Not because he doesn't love our daughter, but he lives vicariously through our DS.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alittleswife
Look into a lawyer in your state but maybe in the next county over. Why I say this? Because I was almost in the same position that you are in. My ex husband and I, we were only married for 7 years (right out of high school). The last three years of our marriage he started hiding things from me, spending money that we didn't have, not making the house payment (house that we had just moved into) and was never home to help out with the kids. I started getting suspicious when he would not even talk on the phone around me. I could not afford a PI so I started investigating on my own and let me mention that I was pregnant with our 3rd child at the time.
Eventually I found out that he was seeing someone else and she was also pregnant with his child.
So I went to the next county over and got a lawyer. Why? Because his dad was friends with all the lawyers and police officers and court workers. I was scared but I did what I had to do. It all worked out eventually and now my current husband has adopted my children and we could not be happier.
Wow, we share some things there. My FIL is the mayor when the mayor is unavailable. He is a councilman, and very active in the community and a good man. I feel really bad to leave and hurt my in laws, but, in their eyes, their son can do no wrong. I think my husband would sell our house if we divorced and would move into my in laws house. My kids would never want to leave their dad if that happened because his parents spoil those kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MMMD
Aww, I'm so sorry for you and your family. While I don't think you should rush into any decisions, I would definitely have a consultation with a divorce attorney. Your custody fears might be unfounded.
I hope my fears do turn out to be unfounded. I can't think of not having my kids with me.
In your description, you say your husband is a decent husband but "i believe in spanking, but sometimes he goes too far" that really concerns me, especially for the son that is not his. Maybe I am misunderstanding but "going too far" to me is child abuse. Can you find a domestic violence group in your area and talk to them?
If you in laws are really good people, they may be more understanding than you think. In my state, a parent who only wants one child, would be unlikely to gain custody. The courts really do not want to split siblings and the fact that there is only interest in one child says a lot about the parent.
Please talk to a domestic violence advocate and a family lawyer as soon as you can. Many family lawyers will do a free consulation.
Also, a decent judge will not sit on a contested case of a good friend. It is unethical and can cause them more trouble than it is worth. I remember one of the marital jurists here talking about the chaos it created when the local orthodontist got divorced-they couldn't find anyone who could sit on the case.
And please weigh everything. While two divorces may not be the best thing, look at how this marraige is effecting you and your kids. While you may not fight, the kids are also aware you do not talk. Think about what your children are learning about marriage.
I never through my children knew anything about their father's indiscretions. I have since learned that they knew a lot. I still tear up when I think about my DD telling me how nice it was not to have to worry about your father's mood when you came home. ( I suspect my ex has bi=polar, his mother and sibs do). I always thought things were fine.
It doesn't sound like your husband is a "decent" father to me. From your post, he "gets too rough", favors one child over another, etc. etc.
He lies, cheats, etc.
Get good legal advice and follow what your gut is telling you. Another point.....you don't know where that "missing" money is going. Maybe to women, but there could be other things, too. The first thing that came to my mind was that he has an addiction to something -drugs? gambling?
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The papers from the bank that came said that they were lowering the payments for a period of 6 months and then if he paid on time, they would consider leaving the payments in the lower amount, so the house is safe for now. If they did take the house, I would move in with my parents briefly. I have threatened to leave him before, and he will behave for a few weeks and then he is back to doing the same old thing again. This has been going on since I was pregnant with our first child who is 9. I had preterm labor with my son and was on bedrest, and couldn't work. I asked him to make my car payment and he wouldn't. Then I found an IM to a lady in another city, where he wanted to come "see" her and said he would bring her some money to help her out 
. Sad. He is a decent father....just lazy and sets poor examples and looses his temper and gets a little physically rough at times. I believe in spanking, but he goes too far. I have been hurt so many times, and am so bitter, that, no I don't love him anymore....I can't ever remember loving him at this point. It comes closer to hate at this point.
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