Can I get a new FIL? (Very long) updated About This Page:

[Teresa]

My FIL has made me sooooo mad, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be nice to him again. There are 2 things that he has done recently that make me say that.

1. On grandparent's day at my DDs' school, he and his wife went, as did my mom and grandma. Mom (who lives near the school, but about 25 miles from us) asked Cart - FIL - (who live near us, but 25 miles from school) if he was going to take the girls home, something I had told him repeatedly that he could do. (they were allowed to leave if grandparents were there) He said NO! He had no plans, and did not WANT them!



2. on Saturday, he walked into the shop that our older daughter owns. He was there to tell us that his Step-daughter had just broken the family curse. The curse is having daughters! He has had 10 grand-daughters through his children, and DH adopted a boy with his first wife.

Well, L. had had a boy. FIL had spent the WHOLE day at the hospital with the new baby and FIL's wife and family. He had also baby-sat their older daughter the night before. I do not begrudge L and her husband a child, no matter what it is, but there are a few things about his announcement that really ticked me.



a. FIL did not see the 1st child that DH and I had together for 2 weeks (he lived with-in 10 minutes of us) I explained that away witht the fact that MIL had died 3 weeks before DD's birth



b. FIL and his new wife spent all of 3 minutes at the hospital when our youngest was born. The hospital is half a mile down the road from them! DH came out of the operating room, and proudly told his father we had a baby girl, FIL said something to the affect of "Oh, another girl" and left!



c. when he came in to tell us L. had had the boy, he announced "the curse has been ended" IN FRONT OF ALL 3 OF MY DAUGHTERS! (as if they are curses that we have had to bear!



d. He and his wife have watched my youngest 2 once. They had them for a weekend, and called us halfway through, and told us to come get them. They have never watched them since. (they watch HER grandkids for weeks at a time)



e. MY grandparents had 5 granddaughters, no boys. They never made us feel bad, or to my knowledge ever felt that we were a curse or wished we were any different than what we were.



I go between thinking I am being petty, to thinking I never want my children exposed to them again.



Part of what is making this so hard is that right after they were married, she announced that they did not want ANY pictures larger than a wallet of any of the kids. All of the 5x7s and 8x10s of DH's kids, and all of our nieces were taken down. FIL's wife has TONS of 8x10s and 10x13s of her grandkids all over the house, and my kids have a wallet (one ony) of each of them on the fridge.



FIL's older granddaughters are getting him a large photo, framed, of all the granddaughters together. We had just gotten back from the sitting when he came to tell us of the birth.



Thanks for "listening". and, feel free to tell me if I am over-reacting.

[LisaJ]

No, you're not overreacting. You have valid feelings.

Actions speak louder than words, and your FIL has "told you" how he feels about your children. Enough said. You have every right to justify your opinion and actions regarding him. You don't need your daughters suffering at anyone's hands. Actions like this can do a lot of emotional damage.

Some might not agree, but that's my opinion.

[loobyoxlip]

Teresa, is this your FIL speaking or his wife? It sounds like a very bad family situation and I'm sorry you are in the middle of it. I have no advice b/c I don't know what I would do in the situation, but I wanted to let you know I'm sending for whatever you decide.

[Sam I Am]

I am also in the middle of this (Teresa's my mom). As the oldest of my cousins by 5 years(there are 2 older than me but we don't see them very often), I am the one my cousins bring their prombems/insecurities to. Four of them have asked me if Grandpa loves us. I couldn't tell them no, even though I'm not sure if he does. And when I told TA. the 12 year old that Grandpa loved her, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't think he likes us." What could I say to that? All I could think to say was "TA. I like you".

The bad thing is TA. was the first baby that was "not as good as a boy". My cousins and sister and I who were the oldest or second child were allowed to be girls because there could always more kids. However, my cousins who were last in their families are made to feel guilty for being a girl.

My mom's family is completely different. My grandpa has 7 granddaughters and 1 grandson. Grandpa allows jokes that M. is his favorite grandson. That is the only time he says anything about the difference in our sexes. I wish my paternal grandfather acted the same way.

[vsonnier]

What a tough situation for you and your family I wish I had some magic words of advice, but I don't. Sometimes it is terribly hard to deal with your family but you just have to remind yourself that they are a part of your family. There is nothing you can do to change them. You just have to choose whether you want to accept them for the way they are or give them up forever.

[nanajoyx2]

Let me tell you my story. I have 5 grandsons ages 5 years, 4 years, 2 years, 14 months, and 4 months. Am I disappointed that I don't have a granddaughter? You bet I am, but no one loves their grandchildren more than I do. They were all at my pool this afternoon and we had a ball. I also joke about the "boy" curse, but know that God doesn't send us curses. He gives us precious gifts. My DH is probably happy that we have grandsons because I spend so much money on toys and clothes for them. If we had granddaughters I would not be able to choose when buying clothes for them. The selection for girls is tremendous.

Don't pay any attention to your FIL and his wife. They are the losers in this situation.

[Colexis Mom]

Sending you lots of pixie Teresa and Sam I Am!

[HiddenMickey]

Once again....I remember Sam's question about the group photo....I'm sorry the grandfather is adding such grief to the lives of your family. I can't help but think there is something in the way he was raised that has led him to act the way he does (with great influence from second wife to continue). Doesn't sound like he'll change, so all I can say is, please go on with your lives, knowing that you are all loved (and liked) by many others and that the one who is really losing out is grandpa. Best wishes to you.

-HiddenMickey

[poohmaine]

You need to let your anger go. Your FIL is a jerk, and he isn't going to change. What you can change is your reaction to his behavior so he won't drive you nuts.



You have tried to get him to play a bigger role in your children's lives, but it seems he isn't interested. At least you know you tried. You could try having a heart-to-heart chat with him, and tell him how you and the kids feel, that the kids think he doesn't love them. etc. From your descriptions I don't know how successful that would be.



You should keep asking him to family functions, etc. telling him that it would really mean a lot to you and your family if he would attend. Better still would to have the grandchild ask directly, that way if he says no and refuses, he's doing it to a child versus you. Don't threaten or yell or plead, just simply ask, and politely accept his answer (even though it will probably be no).



Other than that, stop making excuses for him, and stop being mad at his behavior. It is he who will be sorry in the years to come when he doesn't have a close relationship with your children.



You can only hit your head against a brick wall for so long before you stop trying. Life is too short to try and force your children upon a man who is too stupid to realize their value. Concentrate on surrounding your children with the people who love them.

[poohmaine]

SamIAm,



I am sorry that your grandfather's behavior towards you and your cousins is so horrible. I hope you don't take his behavior personally.



I understand how you are feeling. My mother's parents were completely horrible people in every way. As we got older and more aware, our visits to them became less and less frequent because my mom didn't think it was in our best interest to be subjected to them. Who wants to go visit people who so obviously don't want you there?



Luckily my father’s parents were wonderful, kind, generous people who loved us and showed that love every time we saw them.



Best wishes to you and your mom with this situation.

[wdwlovers]

Sorry to hear about your FIL. Just remember that it's them who miss out. The kids have other grandparents who fill in the void nicely!

We have somewhat of a similiar situation with my FIL. My DH's parents are divorced and both remarried. Well, FIL and wife never visit and when we stop in, we only hear about how long its been since they've seen her and she's growing too fast. When DD was in the hospital after her birth, my parents and MIL and hubby came up all the time for that two weeks. FIL and wife came up once and it was for 10 minutes. We get comments all the time from them that "they won't be raising their grandkids" Hello, we never asked you to! For her first birthday last month, she got a $2.99 book from the local thrift shop.(These people have two Harley's so it's not a money issue) ANd they stayed at her party for no more than 1/2 hour becuase they bought tickets to see a local show (after I had sent out the invites). They called last night to ask for our address as they figured they'd get her a savings bond for her bday. Umm, it was over a month ago, and they were reminded because his wife's brother's little girl is to be baptized this weekend. We just figure we will make "political" visits every month or so, and what they miss out on, that's their problem. We know that DD has two wonderful sets of grandparents who love her and want to spend time with her. The third set is more for show than anything.



Good luck with your situation!

[Teresa]

Thank you all for your good thoughts and helpful acvice.
Years ago, DH and I decided that we would handle our own families. Unfortunately, this means that DH will take care of this problem.
We talked the other day (I was so angry at his father, that he thought I was ticked at him) Anyway, he is going to take his father fishing (on a boat, where FIL can't get away) and talk to him.
The family is getting together on 4 July to celebrate FIL and his wife's birthdays. I have agreed to go on the condition that if anything is said by ANYONE about "the curse", we leave immediately, no exceptions.
I was glad I was able to vent here, as it helped me organize my thoughts to explain to DH. and, he was feeling the same way I do!

Thanks again guys, you are the best!

[Joanne929]

Teresa, I hope your DH and FIL's talk helps the situation. Sending you some pixie dust

[GATechGal]

Glad you talked things over with your DH. Maybe your DFIL thought that all that talk about "the curse" was funny. You never know about folks. But at least it will get your feelings known to your FIL. Hope things work out on the forth and that there aren't any extra "Fireworks"