The Holiday Shuffle...
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AKLRULZ · 11-11-2003, 08:06 AM

No more shuffle for us, too. Debbie, I appreciate your understanding about your own children more than you know. My parents feel the same was but boy did we have to battle with my inlaws in the mid to late 90's when our kids were all born and it wasn't fun. We've set a pattern of alternating visits each year for Thanksgiving b/t my inlaws and my parents and for Christmas everyone is more than welcome to visit us but we don't travel on Christmas - it's just too difficult and stressful and who needs a holiday like that? My wife and I have already discussed how we won't hold holidays over our own children when they're grown and will be flexible to their needs as young families. We found by setting firm boundaries and sticking to them that our family on both sides have accepted our new traditions and respects our wishes. Doesn't mean we don't love them, but in the season we're in with a young family it is what works best for us.

Great topic.

Signed,

Open invitation at my house for the holidays.

**DebiDebiDebi** · 11-11-2003, 09:41 AM

The part of all of this that makes me saddest is that we NEVER established any family traditions with our girls. Now, keep in mind, there was never any malicious intent on either side to keep us hopping from one house to another...the grandparents simply wanted us to be around for the holidays...but no one ever thought about what that did to us as a family...and we were not brave enough to put our foot down. Knowing all of this, we make a concieous effort now to make sure our girls and their families do not feel the pressure from us. We plan around them, and happily, they do include us in their plans. I wish we would have taken this step many years ago.

SarahJ · 11-11-2003, 12:00 PM

We're pretty lucky in that most of our family all live within about 30-45 minutes of each other and my brother set the precedent on how DH and I would handle holidays too. One year we do Thanksgiving with DH's family and Christmas with mine, the following year we switch. Its pretty simple. The years we do it with my family is the same year my brother does, so my parents have all of us at once for the same holiday. DH's family and mine are all large enough that no one is ever lacking for something to do, so we don't feel bad if we aren't with our parents on the exact holiday. For Christmas we will often get together the week after the holiday to celebrate with the family that we didn't spend the actual day with.

That said, this year we have a little wrinkle. DH's mom is coming to town from Hawaii for Christmas. I don't care for her much and I think she is expecting to tag along with us everywhere. But this is the year we have Christmas plans with my family and it would be very awkward to have her come along. She is staying at DFIL's house, which is strange enough since he has a live-in girlfriend, so hopefully we can get away with just doing the morning up at DFIL's house. I am hoping that DH's sister will take their mom for the rest of the day since they are much closer than DH and his mom are (she didn't raise him at all, his dad did).

kimdisneynut · 11-11-2003, 07:23 PM

Holidays are for our family. We send an open invite to the whole family, we always make sure that we have food on hand and extras gifts. No plans in stone, since we started this five years ago, we never have to leave everyone travels to us.

Kim

DisneyholicsAnonymouse · 11-11-2003, 09:14 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Tell them exactly what you told us. You are simply not up to it. If their nose gets out of joint, they'll get over it when the baby comes.

[/ QUOTE ]

My mother was peeved enough at me when we moved an HOUR away after we got married and she's still peeved at us because we both have busy retail jobs that don't allow us to visit more than once or twice a month, if that much.
Me..for personal reasons, I'm glad I don't have to see her that often.

I'm afraid also this year that she'll make me go to Midnight Mass at her church, a tradition started when I was an infant. But after working a full 8-10 hr day at work, driving ALL the way over there after work and spending the entire evening there, I'm afraid I won't make it for Midnight Mass this year. I'll probably be too stressed and too tired to do it, but I know if I don't my mother will totally spaz out on me.

DA

TinkerAnn · 11-12-2003, 12:55 AM

We have been married for almost 13 years and we used to shuffle between Little Rock and Missouri....approx 3 1/2 hours. We would alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas between the two sets of parents. Now, four kids later....we just kind of do our own thing. For Thanksgiving this year we decided that we were going to spend it away....shopping, eating out, we got ressies at this great hotel with an HUGE indoor water slide system which has the kids all in a tizz....told both sets of parents. Both decided to follow us to the destination and leave their traditions at home. We are okay with this because we can all do our own thing and still get together when it is convenient. For Christmas, we stay at home. Harley has to be at church on Christmas Eve anyway so it just gives us a good excuse without any hassle. We have nice calm holidays now with very little drama. We hope to pass this tradition on to our kids and pray that they get in-laws who feel the same way!

Grammy Grumpy · 11-12-2003, 01:55 AM

Whow, the holiday shuffle, how I hated that time of the year. For the entire time my kids were growing up we were expected to visit both sets of parents, who lived one block away from each other, but 3.5 hours from us. Many Christmas' we got up and traveled in weather not fit for man nor beast, arrived at one house to eat a full meal and then turned around and headed to the other and eat some more. I can't tell you how many of those trips had one or more of us extremely sick to our stomachs.

I think we had one Christmas in our own home. We tried to have Santa arrive wherever we were staying for a few years but the amount of stuff we had to pack going and coming was more than our family car could handle. One year we had some friends who lived in the same town we did and visited family in the same town we travled to help us transport things back home! After that we had 3 celebrations, one with my family, one with DH's family, and then one back at home. I know the family and the kids enjoyed being together but it was more than I could handle. Now that we have two grown up kids with families of their own I appreciate any time we can be together, but I try not to use my influence or guilt to make anyone come here for a holiday. Between the two of them (one lives within 10 miles, the other is 3.5 hours away) and us we are able to be together about every month or so and we let them arrange time with their respective in laws. My in laws are gone now but my parents are still living. We try and see them as much as possible, but it's not always so easy. Between my kids, their families, my DH and his sisters & families, we make one week-end during the Christmas holidays for a special get together. We get together at a different location each year and share the preparations of a special meal steeped in family tradition.

Hope everyone's upcoming holidays are the best ever!

Dumbo · 11-12-2003, 08:14 AM

First year we were married we did 2 Thanksgivings. Said never again. We did Christmas with my family. Christmas Eve with his. Next year we had dinner with his family and later went to mine. After that the rules changed. We did Thanksgiving with his family a few more years and then stopped. Long boring story. Started doing our own Christmas. My parents came for gift opening and dinner. His came in evening for dessert.

Now we try to get together with my brother which is getting harder and harder. He's a police officer and usually works on Christmas. Oldest DS has a job where he has to work holidays if scheduled. We try to find one day that works for both brother and DS and get together. Christmas day it's just us, Mom and Keith.

We see DH's family on New Year's. We don't do gift exchange with them so it's just dinner.

Everyone lives within a few miles of each other. The curse of never moving from hometown.

AKLRULZ · 11-12-2003, 08:54 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I wish we would have taken this step many years ago.

[/ QUOTE ]

Don't knock yourself too hard - you were tyring to please everyone - we've all been there. And you passing your fresh (and unselfish) outlook on it to your children is fabulous - and Debbie, it's never too late to start a tradition! Thanks for this topic and good luck to everyone facing the holiday shuffle dilemma.

BostonTeaParty · 11-12-2003, 06:47 PM

[ QUOTE ]
No, we put a stop to it when we after the birth of our first child. Figured we needed to set our own holiday traditions.

[/ QUOTE ]

Same here. Now that the boys are a little older we spend Christmas Eve with family. Christmas day is for home with our kids.

DisneyholicsAnonymouse · 11-15-2003, 04:31 PM

Well I talked to DH about it. Well..ok..yelled and screamed and argued abouot it for over an hour is more like it.

He insists, that for this one year at least, we do the Thanksgiving Shuffle. But I put my foot down. Next year, I am NOT doing it at all with a 8 mos old (which is about how old the baby will be then) in tow. No way Jose. I told him next year he has to pick one or the other and that's IT. I am not dragging a baby, plus all the required BabyGear (tm) with me. It's too much of a hassle and too much stress on me for me to put up with this crap every year.
I know it sounds rude and possibly a little callous but I am NOT letting my mother (or his) run my holidays. If somebody gets upset because we decide we can't make it, well tough boogies!

DA