My family needs Pixies for Emotional healing, please (this is going to be a long one) - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
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My family needs Pixies for Emotional healing, please (this is going to be a long one)
DD Samantha has a live-in boyfriend that isn't one of our favorite people. As a matter of fact, no-one that loves her and meets him likes him after the first couple of meetings. There are a lot of reasons that people give me, but let's just say he gives the impression of not caring whether they like him, and he makes no attempt to like or be kind to anyone else. There have been times that they have missed family celebrations because of him, but we've been able to overlook that - although him not coming in for my grandmother's funeral really insulted and hurt me, my Dad and my Step-mom.
She knows this, but feels she "can't do any better" and truly has chosen him, even though it is putting a wedge between her and her family and extended circle of friends (she dropped one of her best friends because the BF didn't like the guy - although they hadn't met!). I told her that was her choice, that I will never stop loving her and would like her to be as involved in our family as possible. We invite them BOTH to dinner or lunch frequently (they usually don't come or are late). We also let them know when her sister's volleyball games are, and after she PROMISED her sister she'd come to EVERY home game, has only been to ONE.
She and I have had a few arguments about her kissing his patooty, and that while if that's who she wants to be with, we'll try to work with it - he needs to be a bit more respectful and considerate of US. (I greeted him at a formal function, in front of other people and he did not acknowledge me - I know he heard me because someone else was standing right next to him and SHE heard me)
Anyway - DH and I have started trying to make it better. We may not love or like him, but he is our DD's choice, and we want to be able to spend time with her (even if it's with him there) and have everyone at least be okay, if not totally loving each other.
I should say that HIS family LOVES her. Well, she's never cussed at them or been rude to them. Never lied to them, or told other people horrible lies about them (all things I know he's done - they've been reported to me by very reliable people with nothing to gain by lieing to me)
So, on to today and why we need pixies. DD has been crying when I talk to her, saying that HIS family loves her and she likes being around THEM more than she likes being around us, because we're so at odds with her BF. I've told her and her BF that HE needs to talk to my DH, since DH is the one he cussed at (I mean the BIG cuss word), and DH that he really insulted. The BF agreed to my face that he would talk to DH, so that DD wouldn't be so sad about her strained relationship with her family. DH promised that he wouldn't hurt her BF in any way and that he'd try to come to some sort of an understanding, because he loves his DD enough to do anything.
Today - after many months of waiting for the BF to approach DH (he said he would take the initiative, and then told mutual friends that he NEVER intends to do so, and that he knew that when I talked to him -so he lied, and DD KNOWS he did), DH sent him a text message along the lines of " If you love my DD, you'll call me and arrange to meet with me so we can start to fix this". DD called DH - and said her BF wasn't going to do that. She put them on speaker phone, and the BF said the same thing.. then (and here is where I need pixies), said that He (BF) doesn't care to EVER meet with DH, and doesn't care to ever have a relationship with DD's family. His relationship is with DD, and SHE is fine!
DH asked why she cries on the phone to me about how hard it is, and they BOTH said that that's not true .
DH disparaged the BF's manhood, and told him he has none (manhood) if he wouldn't meet with DH. He didn't care.
It was only when DH said that he would make sure EVERYONE else in the family and all of our friends knew that DH had tried to make it better, and the BF had refused that the BF said okay.
I called DD back within about 15 minutes of DH talking to them, to ask if the statement DH was telling me the BF made was true - since she would have heard it. HE blew up in the background, telling her never mind about trying to fix it now, that since he had agreed to it, and now I was calling to hassle her about - forget it. I had to explain that all I wanted to do was make sure DH related the statement and it's meaning as it was said. Yes, that's was what was said and what was intended - HE (BF) doesn't care to try to make peace with her family. I guess he's more than happy to keep her miserable and feeling torn apart, as she's told me she is. While WE (DH and I) are willing to move on and try to forge some sort of truce with this BOY so that OUR DD can feel better about her place in both families.
so, if you stuck it out this far, thank you. And, could you send some pixies that we can repair this with DD and her BF? I really love her and it hurts so much to know that she's hurting.
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You may not want to hear what I have to say, and please know it's with the best of intentions. You may have to do what my parents did to me. Your DD"s BF sounds very controlling and manipulative, just how my abusive ex was. My parents and I "separated" from one another because they couldn't bear it when I reconciled with him. It tore their hearts out. I didn't understand it at the time and was very hurt (and angry); but now I can see why they did what they did.
Your DD is an adult, yes. If she's going to choose to be with someone who disrespects her family like he does, then she's going to have to live with the consequences-i.e. not seeing or talking to any of you until she comes to her senses and dumps this jerk.
There's no way I will EVER be with someone who disrespects my family again. And I'm sorry, but for her to continue to allow him to do it and not make him apologize or change his ways is just as disrespectful.
Again, please don't take this the wrong way. I just want you to see things from my view and I've been thru this before. Tough love works wonders.
You may not want to hear what I have to say, and please know it's with the best of intentions. You may have to do what my parents did to me. Your DD"s BF sounds very controlling and manipulative, just how my abusive ex was. My parents and I "separated" from one another because they couldn't bear it when I reconciled with him. It tore their hearts out. I didn't understand it at the time and was very hurt (and angry); but now I can see why they did what they did.
Your DD is an adult, yes. If she's going to choose to be with someone who disrespects her family like he does, then she's going to have to live with the consequences-i.e. not seeing or talking to any of you until she comes to her senses and dumps this jerk.
There's no way I will EVER be with someone who disrespects my family again. And I'm sorry, but for her to continue to allow him to do it and not make him apologize or change his ways is just as disrespectful.
Again, please don't take this the wrong way. I just want you to see things from my view and I've been thru this before. Tough love works wonders.
Amy - thank you for your response. I've been told by my ex-boss and current friend that HER BF she had before her DH was the same way - and much like you are relating, she pretty much lost her family for a while, and then "woke up" and realized that was what he wanted.
I refuse to back off my DD. I try really hard now to say nothing bad about her BF, and to be cordial and nice to him when I see him. BUT - I won't back off! And why?? Because I refuse to let him win. And, I fought too long for Samantha's health and well-being to not be in her life anymore. I never want her to feel that I abandoned her. I couldn't do that.
I hope you've made peace with your parents?? I have to tell you that my mom and I were talking about the boards today, and she and I agreed that we admire you immensely!
I believe I read before that your DD's BF is also paralyzed in some way? I guess I can see how she feels that there is no one else out there for her - because of her accident. She must have been so excited to get a boyfriend. But then for him to be such a jerk - you have to be torn. It must have been great to think that your daughter found someone that understood her, and had a similar life. And it must be very disappointing for you and your DD to see that he is not worth your daughter. Theresa - it must be very difficult for you to walk the line between wanting to take care of her and make things as easy as possible, and letting her do what she wants to do.
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Amy - thank you for your response. I've been told by my ex-boss and current friend that HER BF she had before her DH was the same way - and much like you are relating, she pretty much lost her family for a while, and then "woke up" and realized that was what he wanted.
I refuse to back off my DD. I try really hard now to say nothing bad about her BF, and to be cordial and nice to him when I see him. BUT - I won't back off! And why?? Because I refuse to let him win. And, I fought too long for Samantha's health and well-being to not be in her life anymore. I never want her to feel that I abandoned her. I couldn't do that.
I hope you've made peace with your parents?? I have to tell you that my mom and I were talking about the boards today, and she and I agreed that we admire you immensely!
Thank you for your kind words Teresa. I was afraid I'd come across as a know-it-all or heartless and I'm not that way at all. If I can just prevent someone else from making the same mistakes as I did-that's all I'm getting at.
Yes my parents and I are "back together". They were so very relieved when I had made contact with them as they always told me they were afraid that one day it would be too late-they would be getting a call to identify my body at the morgue.
Sometimes things have to break before they can be fixed. It's so hard to go thru the breaking period but it usually ends up stronger in the end. It sounds like you and your DH have done well keeping your cool.
Sending you mega doses of that it all works out for all of you.
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