Advice needed-Update in post
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mtstranscribe · 08-28-2006, 04:55 PM

I hyphenated my name; that solves the problem! Tell your children that you decided to keep their name because you love them and take your DF name because you love him too! I also told my kids that its apples and oranges; the love for my children is such a deep and abiding love, and my love for my husband is a love that is just as deep but not even on the same plane as my children. Sometimes I think its a way for kids to say, "Do you really love me?" when they ask for things like that. I was a stepchild too and I definitely understand the fear they go through with a new "dad" in the picture. Its just a little token of showing them you will always love them, no matter who is in your life. Good luck!

**Luvsun** · 08-28-2006, 04:59 PM

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I would have a talk with them and tell them that your current last name belongs to your DH. You are no longer married to their father and will be marrying Chris. It's only right that you take Chris' last name in doing so (or frankly revert back to your maiden name). Have you asked them why it is so important for them for you not to change your name? It sounds like a fear of some sort, and you need to confront the fear and comfort and reassure them.

Also explain that just because you will no longer have the same last name, that doesn't mean that you don't love them any less. Maybe they are having a hard time because they think they would be losing a part of you? Or this would mean a final cut from your DH (I don't know what you and your ex's situation is now).

They shouldn't look at it as losing you, but as gaining a whole new family (Chris').

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Very well put - I agree completely!

boosmom96 · 08-28-2006, 06:42 PM

I think you really need to talk to your kids and find out why it bothers them but, if it was me I wouldn't even consider keeping my ex's last name if I remarried! That just seems really weird to me. If it really bothers them you could go back to your maiden name, but I really think the decision is yours to make. Not your kids!

heather2148 · 08-28-2006, 11:08 PM

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice. Thought I would give a little more background. I am quite sure they aren't looking for a reconciliation with their dad because he is also remarried and they don't have a strong relationship with him anyway. When we were together the relationship wasn't much better. He had walked out on us a few times and was a bit abusive(downplayed a bit). So part of me understands where they are coming from because I was the only one they could ever count on to always be there. Not that that has changed, but the last name keeps us connected. Atleast I think that is where they are coming from. The kids like Chris, and seem fine with us getting married. He has been with us for over 5 years now. Our lives have never been more secure and stable. Don't get me wrong, it isn't perfect. But what is? We have the typical "your not my dad" stuff on occasion with my oldest. My youngest is 8. He is more of a dad figure to her than her real dad. During her first 2 1/2 years we only lived with her dad for maybe a year combined. Then I finally got up the courage to leave. And within a year I met Chris. So there isn't a strong bond with her dad. They see him once in a while, like every couple of months. He lives 4 hours away. I have always tried to be considerate of their feelings, and also my own. Which is very hard because my kids are pros at making me feel bad. In the beginning I was worried that I was being selfish by pursuing my own happiness(i.e. starting over with someone else). But they have adjusted and excepted Chris as part of our lives. My love for them will never change, and will always be very different than my love for Chris. I think I just need to keep reminding them of that. Growing up I went through my parents divorce, gained a new dad, 3 step siblings, and a half sister. It all worked out. It wasn't easy, but that's life. I too have a much stronger relationship with my stepdad. He is walking me down the aisle. So after all of that, I have decided that I am going to take my new husbands name. Right now they may not be 100% pleased, but this is my choice, not theirs. No matter if my name is Jahooti(ficticious) or Lange(my new name), I will always be their mom. I will always be here, and I will always love them. Wish me luck! Thanks again.

**Caldercup** · 08-28-2006, 11:20 PM

I think the last statement is the most important -- no matter what your name is, you'll always be their mom.

I think they need to understand that the last name you have from your first marriage isn't YOU... it's just a name. Now, it's THEIR name and you understand that it seems like you're separating yourself from them -- so they need reassurance that this isn't the case.

Have a heart to heart and listen more than you speak -- that's what kids really want... to be heard.

Then explain your position and why you want to change from the ex name to another name -- either your maiden or your fiance's name. Ask them if it makes sense to go to the maiden name, which will result in three different names, or whether you should go with the fiance's name and have only two names in the family. Or, should you hyphenate some combo of names?

Good luck - it's a tough row to hoe!
Eileen

**Eeyore Tattoo** · 08-29-2006, 12:26 AM

Change your name, You are starting a new life, Start fresh with a new name..
Deb

markandtrish · 08-29-2006, 08:10 AM

Good Luck and much happiness. You and your kids deserve it. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

GoofyMom · 08-29-2006, 10:12 AM

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/luck.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

Heather, your situation, in a way, sounds similar to my brother and his wife's situation when they married. She had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Before my brother and she started dating, they were living in poverty (welfare, food bank, Sally Ann clothes, a car borrowed from her Dad that didn't run in the winter) because her ex wouldn't help them (not couldn't help them, he just wouldn't [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif[/img]). She was going to university full-time and couldn't support the family alone. My brother came into the picture and he paid for many of their necessities and looked after them as though they were his own children. When they married, she took his last name, and the kids kept their father's name. Now they have a little boy and the 3 of them share the same family name. Maybe that's something your kids are worried about -- if you and Chris have a baby, then the 3 of you will have the same name and leave your kids kind of the "odd ones out" so to speak? And the way kids think, they may be worried that would mean the baby would be loved more. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

**rescuesk** · 08-29-2006, 04:31 PM

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No matter if my name is Jahooti(ficticious) or Lange(my new name), I will always be their mom. I will always be here, and I will always love them.

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Very nicely put, Heather! [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif[/img]