Advice About School & Overweight Daughter About This Page:

[TinkerBelz]

Ok, this is going to be a LONG post - so hang on and thanks for reading it all - IF you get that far. LOL

Well Saturday I had an epiphany in the dressing room of Lane Bryant Outlet with my daughter.

You've probably read all the problems we've had this last weekend with her blood work with a series of other tests, from them making mistakes that caused two extra blood draws; to her having not only tiny, rolling veins, but veins that collapse so easily that they can't use the
vacumn needles - that have to hand pull out the blood. After 7 needle sticks in the the last two days - she turns to me and says "Mom I don't think this is worth all of this". And she cried and cried when they told her they needed one last draw. It's been very emotional for me as I've wanted to cry, but knew I had to be strong for her.

But Saturday we went out for our once yearly "It's time for school and new clothes". Now a few things about my daughter. She's TALL - really tall for her age. Like 5'8" and still growing at 14. She's got PCOS/Insulin Resistance and is about 40-50lbs overweight (she's lost 20lbs since I got my band and all the junk food is basically out of the house). She has a pretty good idea of how much she wants to weigh and it's not skinny as a rail. She appreciates a curvy woman and is goaling to get to size 12/14. She is currently in about a size 20.

Well her dad and I aren't married anymore and he's always complaining to me about what she wears. Jeans and BLACK on her upper body. I don't really give a flying leap what she wears (well I mean, if she were dressing trashy I might say a bit more) - as long as she's clean and happy WHO CARES. But her dad is ALL ABOUT looks and how you "present yourself". His lame way of saying "You don't look good unless you're wearing 'fashionable clothes' and anorexic looking - like me".

Well he's always talking to me about what she wears and how "concerned" he is about her weight. It's more about the "image" she presents to his family and basically I don't care about what his family or friends think. She'd rather spend time with Sam and I, do you blame her?

Well, we have LOTS of talks about weight and self image and here is a lot of self worth talk in the house that has NOTHING to do with weight and I know it hurts her to be bigger than the other girls. I'll never forget several years ago, when she came home from school (she was JUST showing signs of PCOS) and said "Mom, how come the skinny girls can eat cookies and fries for lunch and I eat regular food and I'm fat?" It about broke my heart because I KNOW the struggle I've had with PCOS and obesity and no mother wants her daughter to struggle with this. I went through some major guilt feelings as well - you know - the old "it's my broken genes you inherited sweetheart - sorry you're heading towards a life of obesity and infertility". But I'm over that, because of course I didn't cause it and now I KNOW I can help teach her healthy eating habits and get her help with the IR problems (which we are currently in the process of starting to treat).

Well, we're in the dressing room and she's not happy with anything in Lane Bryant - it's too "preppy" too "in style" for her. We've talked about how when she slims down even more how we'll shop together for hip clothes, etc. (not that I wouldn't buy them now because I would in a minute and pay whatever it took to find them that fit her).

She tells me she's just not comfortable wearing styles that "XXXX would wear" (insert any girl prep from her high school). I ask her why she can't wear those clothes and she says "Because THEY do". I say "If you tell me that you'll wear whatever YOU want and have your own style and you like something in here, why not wear it". And she says "Because THEY do". Then I say "Then you're letting them have that power over you" I said "What are you wearing black for all the time". And she says "Because it makes me feel safe". And she starts to cry and says "I just feel weird, because those stylish clothes aren't made for bigger girls and they make me feel silly in them." And I just start crying. I mean, I'm trying to take away the clothes from her that make her feel safe and thought I knew exactly what my daughter was feeling about herself and her weight. I mis-thought that she had it "all together" in her head about her weight.

Then she tells me how I'm looking so much smaller now and I wear hipper clothes but didn't when I was bigger and that she thought of all people I would understand. And honestly, I do and then I cried and we hugged each other. And you have to know something, my daughter just doesn't cry that much. She's not a typical "fluffy girl" and rolls her eyes at me when I cry at a movie. So I knew she meant what she was saying from her heart and I was glad I FINALLY heard her. She says she's been saying this to me for a while now, but now I heard her.

We did talk about how when she starts slimming down she's excited to buy more stylish clothes - although I do believe she'll be a tomboy for quite some time and won't be heading to any skirts any time soon! LOL

Just another reminder to KEEP listening to your daughters and do whatever you can to help them feel happy and safe. Get them the help they need NOW.

I HAD to get this PCOS/IR under control for my daughter because she needs it for her HEALTH. The normal body weight will only be icing on the cake. Of course as a 14 year old girl, she sees it the other way around - but that's why I'm here - to help her.

I REALLY don't mean to offend anyone, but I feel so strongly about this. We have GOT to, as mothers, lead our families in example and teach them about better health. We are the ones buying and cooking the food, the majority of the time. We OWE IT to our kids to teach them better ways to eat and alternate ways and reasons to feel good about themselves.

OK, I'm done - sorry I was so long-winded, but geez I love my daughter SOOOOO much and just can't bear the thought of her suffering as much as I have. It would just break my heart - certainly much more than taking away her chips.

So after reading all of that - (whew - can't believe you read this far...LOL) - Well she comes home from school today and says she's wants to drop our of Women's Chorus. She just started high school this year and is MORTIFIED to find out that they REQUIRE her to wear a DRESS - that they provide (who the heck knows how it will fit her Plus sized body - and us women know a dress does not fit all body types especially when you are overweight/obese) and that she has to buy from the school - high heel shoes and pantyhose and then she has to buy biker shorts (again do they have plus sizes) to wear under her skirt so when they
twirl around in singing no one can see her underwear. I was SHOCKED. She said the neckline comes down lower than her sports bra.

She is mortified. It all goes back to the self esteem thing and that whole uncomfortable in her own skin. How can the school EVER understand. And I know that we all have to do things we don't like etc. But this goes way far beyond just her being a stubborn about it. She's truly MORTIFIED to have to wear this stuff and yet it's killing her to give up choir but will.

Any idea how to handle this?? I'm just at a loss. I of all people understand how she feels. 90% or more of those girls are thin and are THRILLED to wear a dress.

Yvonne