Family Christmas Get Together question About This Page:

[CinderAbby]

To the moderators, I wasn't sure is this was the right place to post so please feel free to move it if it belongs somewhere else.

I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but Lenny's family doesn't really get along with us. I don't know why. They've never liked me and the only time they contact Lenny is after the fact if something happened (his dad had a heart attack - we found out WEEKS later) or if they want something (we're getting together, bring this when you come - and it's never "bring something Abby will eat" - that would be different). So needless to say, when it comes to Christmas time, we get invited to go over to Lenny's brothers' house (they live in a duplex, one on each side) where everyone gathers only about a week in advance - and we're told what to bring. It's not a party (at least not for us - everyone else is there earlier than us). It's more like a chore for me that I dread doing. Every year, it's been the same thing. Dinner is like at 4, so we're told to show up about 3 (fine by me actually).

Everyone there knows Abby is Autistic and fussy food wise (she dislikes a lot of textures and tastes). Every year they have shrimp and veggies as appetizers (almost all gone by the time we arrive but we're fine with that) and they serve spiral ham, homemade mac and cheese, green bean casserole, salad and a bunch of desserts for dinner. No dinner rolls or breads on any kind, no mashed potatoes or rice. No soda, whole milk or kool aid - only booze or water. Not even any ice cream unless we provide it (we won't do that again but that's a whole 'nother story). Basically everything they serve is nothing Abby will eat so I've always brought my own rolls and sodas so Abby will have something to eat. But everyone chows down on the rolls and makes comments becasue Abby will eat 5 or 6 (the only thing she would eat). This year she's started eating salads so I know she'll try that but she still won't eat anything else.

I willingly bringing things that Abby will eat - they don't tell me to (we're usually told to bring something else that she won't eat and there's no discussion on it. "You bring this and we'll see you then") - because I want Abby to eat dinner with everyone. But by not having anything at all for her it's like they couldn't care less about her which kinda hurts. It's fine if they don't like me, but please don't take it out on Abby, that's not fair. And it's also really rude IMO when I provide that food for Abby (it's not something that I'm providing for everyone - I'm bringing it specifially for Abby) that 1. everyone else eats and 2. then they criticize (sp?) me on the amount I let Abby eat of it. Yes, I know bread is not the healthiest thing in the world, but I don't want her to sit there and go hungry while everyone else eats. If I had my way, we would not go year after year but Lenny won't take "We'll stay home, you go without us."

Since not going isn't an option, I grin and bear it. We show up as late as we can (we usually leave our house at 3 instead of arriving over there at 3) and we usually leave by 6:15ish. I always say that Abby has to keep to her scheduled bed time of 7. Does she actually go to bed at that time? Not anymore, but I tell them she does just to shorten my time there.

So now that I've made what should have been a short story into a long one, this is where my question comes in.

If this were your family and you were hosting , would you try to have something for everyone in the family or just disregard any kind of dietary problems (if that's what you want to call it) like his family does? And if someone in the family does provide food intended for a child, would you start eating it or start making comments about how much of the food is eaten by the child?

Thanks very much in advance for listening to me rant. No matter how you answer my question, if at all, I know things with them won't change, but I am interested to see how other people would handle this situation. Thanks again.