Sister trouble at 3.00am - Updated 4th July About This Page:

[BritDisFan]

I went downstairs and sat in the Lounge and waited and waited for them to arrive, it got to 5.45am and I was nearly having a meltdown I was so worried. I kept trying to ring Laura's Mobile and send her text messages but there was no answer.

I went upstairs and woke Allan up again, poor guy he was so shattered that he had drifted off to sleep and voiced my concerns to him. He rang Laura's BF and woke him up, they had gone to his house and not rung me and just gone to bed. I was livid but really held my temper and spoke to Laura and asked if she was alright. She said she was really tired and she would ask her BF to bring her round in the afternoon so we could talk.

It is now 9.30pm, Laura has not come round or called me, I have kept calling her mobile again with no answer. My poor Mum is beside herself with worry. Laura does worry her alot, she often stays out all night and doesn't ring Mum to let her know where she is. Mum worries as she drinks a lot and is an Insulin Dependant Diabetic and does not wear any ID, so poor Mum often has visions of her in a gutter collapsed somewhere.

It turns out that the row was about Laura's BF staying the night, he is a new BF, Laura has been with him just over a month and my Mum does not think it is appropriate that he stays the night. She said the same thing to me when I started dating Allan, so she has not treated either of us any differently. I tend to agree with my Mum it is her house and she can decide on the rules but Laura tells my Mum that she is 20 years old and that she is treating her like a child.

Laura has been going off the rails the last couple of months, she got sacked from her job as she never turned up on time and one day she just left the office at 4.00pm because she felt like it and wasn't actually due to finish until 6.00pm. She goes out every night and drinks and stays out all night. She had a holiday booked to Tenerife and didn't really have the Money to go but she really wanted to go with her friends she told my parents that she had saved some money but not enough so they gave her some spending money to enable her to go. Three days before she was due to come home, I got a phone call from her saying that she had run out of money and she wanted Mum and Dad to put some money in her bank account. They put £200.00 in because they know she has to eat regularly because of her diabetes or she will collapse.

I am at the end of my tether and I know my poor Mum and Dad are as well, we just don't know what to do she is the cause of so much heartache at the moment. I have offered to take her to the Doctors as I think she may be suffering from depression but she refuses.

Does anyone have any advice for us, so sorry about the long post, it helps sometimes to get things off your chest doesn't it?

Karen

[SarahJ]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't have any advice to offer except to hang in there. Pixie dust and hugs are on the way to your whole family.

[Jennifer2003]

I hope things blow over soon!

Let us all know if you need anything!

American Chum,
Jennifer

[loobyoxlip]

Oh, my gosh, Karen. Yes, it does help to get things off of your chest. I hope everything turns out for the best with her.

[graygables]

Karen,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this. It must be very difficult for you! I do have some advice for you (though you may not like it). There is a book called "Boundaries" that I don't know if you can get or not. It is a wonderful book that can help you (and your parents) establish some boundaries for Laura. As you say, she is 20 years old, she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions (alcohol, healthcare, work), BUT she also has to abide by the decisions that your parents make (no BF staying over, etc) If she can't handle it, then she has to move out. I know that sounds harsh, but it really is the loving thing to do. She sounds as though she is very dependent still and your parents are enabling her (I *hate* that term, but it works). She seems to be very self-destructive and abusive (lying about money, drinking, refusing to wear medic-alert, not calling to let you know she's not coming is disrespectful) and it will only continue until she attends the "School of Hard Knocks". There are those who will think that I am uncaring and just downright mean, but I have learned dealing with members of my own family that there are times that you have to draw a line.

She may be bipolar from the sounds of things, too. My 16yo DD is a rapid-cycling bipolar type 2, which means she can go from happy-as-a-lark to I HATE YOU in seconds, and the type 2 basically means that she doesn't go completely off the deep end, her pendulum doesn't swing quite as far. Bipolars tend to "tantrum" or rage on one end and purposely do things to harm themselves, but that give them a "buzz" or a "high" on the other end (illicit sex, shopping binges, not taking meds, etc) Our DD actually *likes* not taking her meds (the manic stage is "buzz-y", she says), but when she's off them she's a monster and makes everyone's life a living Hades.

This got much longer than I'd planned, but I want you to know that there is plenty of coming to you and your family from our house and I hope you can get things settled down! (and, if you think what I said is way off base or a crock, that's OK, too, I just hope and pray that it gets better for you! )

[chezp]

Karen, I have no advice to offer you, but I can only hope that things do improve. I am so sorry to hear how Laura's behaving and how she's treating you all - you must be besides yourself with worry.

I have to say I agree with Dawn - if she's living with your parents, she obeys their rules, otherwise she moves out and from what you say, that's not an option for her. Maybe she needs to be reminded of that. I wish I could be of more help. that things soon improve.

[LorinMO]

Karen,

I can offer you good thoughts and prayers that this all works out.

Sending you lots and lots of

Lori

[vsonnier]

What a tough situation! I don't have any magic words for you, but I do know this : you can't change your sister - she has to want to make a change on her own. I can only imagine how concerned you and your family must be for her but all you can really do is point her in the right direction. It's her choice whether she chooses to follow it or not. I hope things come together for you quickly.

[GoofyMom]

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear of all of Laura's antics. I hate to be harsh because I know you love your sister and this is not going to be pleasant to read, but she really does need to grow up.

If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to act like one. Maybe she does need to see a doctor to determine why she's suddenly started acting out. One other thing that I hate to suggest is that perhaps she's begun using drugs? That could explain her staying out all night, and her irresponsibility that caused her to be fired from her job. Has she started hanging around with a new group of people?

Here's some more for you and your family, Karen. All this worry cannot be easy.

[goofy4goofy]

Oh Karen. I feel so bad for you! It must be so difficult. I'm sending you a ton of pixie dust!

I also feel bad for your sister. I've been in her shoes when I was younger and it was the worst time of my life. I was about as depressed as one person could be and I didn't care how I treated ANYONE. I was a miserable person to be around. I was so disrespectful and inconsiderate because I just didn't care anymore. I didn't do drugs, but I did drink a lot because it made me feel better, or so I thought.

What turned me around was the support from my parents. As many of you know, I'm VERY close to my parents, but I wasn't always that way. When they confronted me about my behavior, I took it very badly. I nearly destroyed myself and anyone in my path. One night it came to a head and I totally broke down and admitted I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was able to seek therapy and eventually got myself back on the right track. Within a few months, I felt "normal" again. My parents stood by me through everything, even when I was at my ugliest. They didn't let me continue my destructive behavior though. No drinking, no partying, etc. They didn't threaten me, but explained that if I didn't abide by their rules, then I couldn't live with them. I didn't have much choice. I could have moved in with my friends, but even I knew that would just make things worse. I straightened up and grew up quickly.

I think it was all meant to be (even the depression) because I had Alex 1 year later. Had I not sought help and strengthened the bond with my parents, I wouldn't have been a very good mother. I was in a VERY good place to have a child when I did and I'm so thankful that I was given the chance to recover when I did.

Now, most of this might not even relate to your sister, but I do know that she's probably hurting..even if she doesn't admit it. You cannot make her change, but knowing you are there to see her through anything (if you can) might help her. She's obviously self destructing for a reason. When she's ready to get help, she'll be on the path to recovery. The only advice I can offer is to not let her continue her behavior around you or your family...I know that's easier said than done, but that girl definately needs a wake up call.

I hope some of this helps. I'm sorry if I got a little too personal, but I'm prouid of that time in my life where I took control and really proved who I really was. I wasn't that depressed, raging person everyone saw. I was really a kind, considerate, loving person who just needed some help. I hope your sister realizes what she is doing to herself and her family, and wants to seek help. Good luck to you all!!!!

Kelly

[Teresa]

Karen,
I am so sorry that you and your parents are having to deal with this. I have been on both sides.
I was a fairly "I don't have to follow your rules!" teen (then I had Samantha at 16 and grew up REALLY fast).
And, I have a step-daughter that at 27 is still living that life. We have lost all touch with her. She only calls when she needs $$$$, andfrequently the answer is NO! It hurts that we do not see her, and DH was devastated that she did not call on Father's Day, but life is a lot calmer without her. She owes us quite a lot of money, and has stated that she will not come see us until we agree to disregard that. Well, no visits from her!
My Dad and Mom #2 are dealing with my step-brother, who at 30 is still living more or less at their house (can you believe he turned in his 2 week notice BEFORE securing another position?) He sounds a lot like your sister too. They have never set boundaries or rules with him, and he has milked them for all their retirement funds, and cost them a lot of heartbreak.
I really have no advice, just the assurance that you and your parents are not alone. It will hopefully get better.

[simbarel]

Gosh Karen, this sounds like hell! Hope things calm down soon, it's hard watching a sibling being self-destructive.

[ilovelilo]

I wish I had some advice for you, but all I know to say is to hang in there. And we're always here whenever you want to get something off your chest. Sending lots of too.

[BritDisFan]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice, you are a great bunch of people and it really means a lot to me .

I tried to contact Laura on Friday by constantly ringing her mobile and leaving messages, she did not answer the phone. In the end I rang her BF's number and asked to speak to her, she basically told me to get lost so I am going to try not to contact her for a while. She knows I am here for her when she wants to talk.

Thanks again everyone, I will keep you posted.

Karen x

[chezp]

I hope by leaving her to calm down that she comes to her senses and you hear from her soon Karen.