Husband working long hours and need advice
About This Page:

**2princessmom** · 05-31-2004, 06:21 PM

Warning this is a vent and also a question.
My husband changed jobs and careers in Feb. He is now a lawyer for the first time officially with one of the top 3 firms in town. However, we never see him. He is gone before we get up and then comes home on a good day right before our DD's go to bed. He also works 3/4 of the weekend! No matter what I say seems to make a difference! We all miss him but dont' know what to do! I want him to make the choice to choose family first but at the same time feel bad because I know he is in a new job. I just don't do well as a single parent. I think that is because mentally I see myself married and not single but yet DH is gone so much that I feel like I am single.
Anyone else out there have a similar situation? If so how do you deal with it? Any suggestions would be gladly received! I just don't know how to not lose my family. My oldest especially is starting to say I didn't miss daddy today. Plus it seems to be amplifying our own issues. So help! I am so discouraged and fustrated and getting bitter! I want my family to be whole! I really want him to get another job so he can be home more! Ok vent over. Thanks for listening and any suggestions!

lilprincess · 05-31-2004, 06:39 PM

I hear you...my DH works for the Sheriff's Office and works shift hours (changes from days to evenings every 2 weeks) and has mandatory overtime working doubleshifts in one day (he'll work 16 hours straight). He also is part of the ERT (Emergency Response Team) and has to go to training for this and could be called out at any time. His days off are Thurs. and Fri. Meanwhile, my DD is in school all day until June 17 so we don't have any days that we are all home together! I work part-time also, so things are really crazy here!! I cope by spending time with family and friends, and insisting on him going to certain family functions (therefore, having to take time off from work). Can you maybe schedule one night where you can all be together for at least dinner?

I hope it all works out for you.

loobyoxlip · 05-31-2004, 06:55 PM

I don't have any advice since I am a single parent, but I wanted to let you know I hope things work out. Best of luck!

ilovelilo · 05-31-2004, 07:08 PM

I'm not married (yet!) and I don't have kids, but my fiance does work a lot so I know it gets a little lonely. And I can just imagine how I would feel if I were in the same situation with kids--I'd feel the same way you do. I guess I would just echo Chris's advice--maybe schedule one night a week together with the whole family? I hope everything works out for you all--good luck, and remember you can always vent to us on the boards!

Crackers · 05-31-2004, 07:32 PM

Boy, I have been on both ends of your situation. I was married to a long haul truck driver who was gone weeks at a time. Our marriage did not survive.

Now I am the one working crazy hours, and DF is home before me everyday, and was spending more time with my daughters than I was. I have a decent boss though. A laptop and remote access to the office, and now I leave on time every day. I still work evenings and weekends, but from the comfort of my home. I can work while the kids are in bed, or before they get up in the morning, and even when they are out playing. I don't miss family functions, and am here if I need to be. (my kids are older and don't want mom hanging right next to them all the time) I can cook dinner on time, be here for homework issues, and still get some necessary office work done. It has been a godsend.

Don't know if that is an option for you and your husband. It still isn't ideal as I still work tons of hours, but at least it isn't 40 miles away.

minemoz1 · 05-31-2004, 07:47 PM

While we don't have children (time is one of the reasons), I totally sympathize with you. My DH was working 16+ hour days when he first started his job. (I had to threaten DH saying I was going to show up at work and physically take him home.

) You definately need to schedule family time as well as one-on one time and make sure he knows how important it is to you (I know my DH's priority is providing for us). Lots of pixie dust coming your way.

**2princessmom** · 06-01-2004, 12:52 AM

We do try to do a at least one dinner together. It is just hard because I so want him home for more than that. But I am glad that I am not alone and it is sad that there are others out there with the same problem. I like the idea of showing up at work and removing him! I will have to think on that one

**rescuesk** · 06-01-2004, 07:10 AM

Dianna,

for a solution to this problem.

Perhaps you could schedule some adult time (dinner out while someone stays with the kids) and discuss this with him. He needs to understand that family has to come first, no matter what. Our society often bases a person's worth on what they do for a living, when that is not the most important factor. Before he knows it, years will have gone by, and his kids will have grown up without him.

A friend of mine is going through a divorce right now. Her husband was literally never home. Work, work, work, and then time with the boys. (I know your DH is all work). Things finally came to a head for them, and he moved out. My friend is now dating someone else, who is very involved with her and her 2 daughters, ages 6 and 2. Last week, as he was reading a bedtime story to her older DD, she turned to my friend and said, "Wow, Mommy, we're like a real family now!" My friend said she almost cried, because her DD had never known what a "real family" was.

Maybe he is caught up in the newness of the position, and doesn't realize what he is missing.

for all of you!

graygables · 06-01-2004, 09:19 AM

My DH is a masonry contractor so he has to work very long hours when the weather is good, just so we can survive the winter. In the summer, we hardly see him at all unless he is between jobs (he usually goes to bed *before* DDs). Anything I do with the DDs is me, alone. I take them to church alone, homeschool them alone, activities alone, tuck them in alone and this is year round. He is never at their games, concerts, recitals, etc. It is very frustrating at times, but then, it's also "what I signed up for".

I have learned over the years that men have a different notion of what "family" is and their role in it, even in this modern age of "liberated women", is bread-winning and they take it very seriously. Your DH could very well be seeing himself through his success at work instead of his "success" at home, since there are still very strong societal pressures for him to be successful at work and not at home. There are some men who just don't "do" the family thing very well and prefer their work environment.

That said, I am married, my children have a Dad and he works long hours. That is my life and I have to accept that. We carve out what time we can together, usually a movie and popcorn night every few weeks, but he's usually asleep halfway through. He tries to get some "lego" time with DDs before he falls asleep and I plan meals so that they can have dessert or a bedtime snack while he eats his dinner, so there is some time together. It is really a matter of being creative and simply accepting things for what they are. You can talk to your DH all you like, but he may or may not listen to you and you also need to bear in mind that he may really *love* his new job and shouldn't have to "choose", or he could become bitter and resentful with all the "what ifs" which wouldn't be any good for your family either.

I am, admittedly, a "mid-century" woman born in the wrong era, so my opinions about these things are not as "updated" as some. I, personally, would never divorce my DH for working hard to provide for me and our DDs, although I know someone who is in the midst of one right now for that very reason (and he is *SO* confused by the whole thing!)

Here's some

that you'll feel better about things and be able to find a solution you can live with

Teresa · 06-01-2004, 01:59 PM

My kids' Godfather is a lawyer. Because of the amount of time he spends working, he has chosen not to marry or have kids.

DH worked evenings and I worked days when we got married (and we each had custody of our kids), so he would sleep at night, get the kids up in the AM,(they got up a little earlier so they could eat breakfast with dad), and I would take the kids and dinner to his job 2 or 3 times a week. It was not ideal, but we worked with it.

This is a big adjustment, and you need to give it time. If you wish your husband to be successful in a competitive career, you need to expect to spend a lot of time as a "single" parent

PoohNTigger · 06-01-2004, 02:39 PM

Hope things work out for you guys soon

SuperKate · 06-01-2004, 06:13 PM

I have no advice since I am not yet married, but I just wanted to wish you the best.

poohmaine · 06-02-2004, 04:13 PM

Lawyers work unbelievable hours. You said he works at a top firm, I imagine the atmosphere is extremely competitive.

You love him,and you want him to be happy. If he really loves this job, you may need to adjust your expectations for family time.

Maybe you can increase the hours you see him through some creative planning, like bringing picnic lunch or dinner in once a week to the office, etc.

The MOST IMPORTANT THING to do is to sit down with him ASAP and truly discuss this issue. It is obviously very important to you, and he needs to know how much.

Loster · 06-07-2004, 12:26 AM

I know exactly what you mean. However my husband is not working at his job he is volunteering at a theater trying to restore it to its original state (only is someone gives the theater alot of money). Most nights he is not home and I chose to go to DW without him. I took the 2 kids (3 1/2 and 18 mos) with MIL. It can be hard at first to be a single mom. Just remember you need to just go about everything as if he was going along. I know it hard but the kids don't need to suffer because you are pissed at him for working. I try to look at everything as I can stay home with the kids without working and do what is important to me at this time of mine and their lives. Yesterday I took the kids to the zoo by myself and I am going to try the pool tomorrow. It can get very boring but everything can be done on your schedule: eating, napping, watching tv and going to bed. It sounds like your kids are older than mine but try not to bad mouth him in front of them. Trust me I have thought about divorce but then what does that get you. Working full time and raising your children at the same time. Then you wont have the time for the kids either. Sorry now I'm rambling but I've had to struggle with this for a couple of years.

Sue

disneyprincess · 06-07-2004, 08:30 AM

I fully understand as DH is a detective in our resort town here. During the summer he not only works past the normal quitting time but usually works DUI on Sat. & Sun. nights. Last summer was the worst. I felt so alone with the kids. He doesn't believe me when I say the kids constantly ask "when's daddy gonna be home." He is usually off on Sundays. What we started doing last year is we declared Sunday "Family Fun Day". After church and breakfast we just hang-out in our backyard all day. We are lucky because we have a really big pool so the kids and DH and myself spend the day in our bathing suits in the pool or reading the newpaper on the deck. We always BBQ dinner, and try to get crabs. It helps somewhat and the kids look forward to Sundays!

Hope things get better for you!