Getting to be uncomfortable .. adult post! About This Page:

[disneyknut]

and I would like to get some opinions from all of you on a VERY sensitive & touchy subject and an uncomfotable situation for me at work...
There are 5 of us that work closely together, 4 of us are kitchen ( 2 aides, 2 kitchen staff) & our custodian... We all get along fairly well for the most part but recently things have been happening that is making me feel very uneasy...

I think the janitor & one of the kitchen staff are having an affair ( or close to it)
Ever since I started working there almost 5 years ago I knew that the janitor, Bud ( single,46YO, never married..) had a 'crush' on my co worker Kay ( married 20+ years, 2 children) .. It was all pretty innocent & we thought nothing of it.. I did comment to DH that I think Kay likes the attention. Bud would make very sexual comments to her & she would laugh them off.. I did mention a couple of times that I felt he was going overboard but Kay assured me "he's harmless!"
Well.. since September Bud has gotten more assertive in his feelings & saying personal things to Kay.. She just giggles & blushes..
For Christmas, we all pitch in & give Bud one large gift from the 4 of us & he buys each of us (the same) small gift.. We found out that Bud also gave Kay a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret IMHO, that is NOT an appropriate gift to give a married woman. Kay also told us she didn't tell her DH about the gift..

Since then, things have really heated up with Kay saying things in return to Bud.. I did question our manager & she said she thinks Kay is playing Bud for attention..
She has also been talking a lot about how her DH is mean.. he's not attentive etc.. & she NEVER talked like that!!
Then, yesterday I was going to walk into the laundry room at work & I opened the door & found Kay & Bud VERY close together in a corner.. they pulled away & came out but were very embarassed,....
Today as we were leaving work, we were wishing Bud a Happy Easter & the last one out was Bud.. Well, I heard him say "Take Care" in a tone that was 'different'(personal) & she said "you too" & as I turned to look at them, they were very close together...
NOw, I'm not sure if a full blown affair is going on but it doesn't sound 'right' to me... the other aide & I talked about it today & we both feel the same.. SOMETHING is going on between those 2..
Now ( sorry for the long story)... my question is...

What should I do about this? Should I ask Kay? I was so deeply hurt by my EX_DH affair that I think all affairs are wrong & get deeply affected by it ( I even hate to see it on TV!!!)
Another thing that bothers me is this is happening in an Elementary school & Bud is not quiet about his feelings for Kay... I have tried to talk to Bud & tell him that Kay's DH would kill him if he heard him talk to Kay like that but it has done no good.. Plus, why in the world would a woman allow someone to talk to her that way? personal sexual talk is meant between husband & wife, not co-workers!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.. I know I should mind my own business but I literally HATE affairs of any kind..Even if it just flirting.. SHE IS MARRIED!!!! One thing I will not do ( at this point) is tell Kay's DH until I have concrete evidence.. I WISH someone would have told me about my Ex's affair but they all kept secret ( even a cousin of mine who worked for my Ex!!)
Again, thanks for letting me vent a little!!

[DisneyDoll]

OK...

First of all, whatever Kay decides to do is none of your business. I know that sounds harsh but Kay is an adult and has to make her own choices and live with the consequences. I know you feel personally strong against affairs (as a married woman, I do too) but unless you have a close friendship with Kay I wouldn't bring it up. She will either tell you there is nothing to it, which it sounds like she's been saying all along or be angry with you.

HOWEVER...If they are engaging in ANY inappropriate behavior at work then you will have to report this to a supervisor or someone who will put a stop to it. If these two want to carry on, they need to do it outside of work. If any of the behavior you have witnessed has bothered you then it is considered sexual harrasment. Sexual harrassment does not just mean someone forcing you to do something you don't want to do, it also applies to anyone who is made to feel uncomfortable, offended or upset my anothers actions, gestures or words. Since this is taking place at a school I think ethically you need to report this to someone who has the authority to see that it does not continue.

And if Kay is only flirting for attention, she may back down and cool off if a supervisor speaks to her about her offensive conduct.

Let me know what happens.

[OffKilter_Lynn]

I agree that you shouldn't have to work in an environment that makes you uncomfortable.

While I believe in the promises of marriage, unfortunately today, others don't take their vows to heart. If this is her choice, then as an adult it's her choice to make. Where this crosses the line, however, is when it's brought into the work place and made others uncomfortable.

Talk with who you are most comfortable with - either one (or both) of them or a supervisor. Probably naive to ask, but maybe they're not aware that others are noticing? And bringing it to their attention might be the kick in the rear they need to stop this behavior at work.

Either way, I wish you well with this uncomfortable task.

[DreaminDisney]

I'd stay out of it....totally. That's just what I would do

[graygables]

I absolutely would bring it up to an authority who can deal with it now. Can you imagine if Kay's DH found out and lost it (since he's so "mean") and came to the school to do something about it? This is completely inappropriate for any kind of workplace, but most certainly where children are around.

Furthermore, if it were me, because of my personality (and personal feelings about affairs), I would try to talk to Kay. She may be feeling neglected or in a rut with her DH and Bud's flirtations are making her feel young and vibrant again. She may be trying to play him to make her DH suspect something (if Bud finds her attractive, that should kick her DH's male instincts into gear and force him to compete for her) She needs to understand first and foremost that her coworkers aren't going to put up with it because it is WRONG and it endangers the children. She also needs to be made aware that she has children of her own to consider and if she's having problems at home, she needs to keep it at home and seek counseling with her DH to solve their problems. An affair NEVER solves anything. Period. If she's unhappy, she could very well be projecting her unhappiness on her DH, making him *seem* like a bad guy to justify her bad behavior or he could be picking up on her negativity and reacting negatively himself. It is a troubling situation, but I would think that ending it sooner rather than later is the best for everyone, even the coworkers.

Again, just my opinion and what I would do!

[chezp]

I can only tell you how I'd act in a similar situation. I'm the sort of person who'd say something jokey about it, along the lines of "the way you two are behaving, people will start to think you're having an affair" and then I'd laugh about it. Her reaction would then tell me something. But that's just me - I'm a former journalist and inquisitive by nature and would have to say something just to satisfy my curiousity if nothing else.

[vsonnier]

If you are close enough to Kay, I would talk to her about it. Not in a confrontational way, but as a friend who is concerned about her. Maybe there really is nothing going on and she doesn't realize that the way they are acting is coming across inappropriately. I doubt this, but you never know. Maybe calling attention to it will at least open her eyes to the fact that she is not keeping her secret very well. I disagree with everyone that it is not your business. If she is engaging in behavior that is obvious to you, then it is your business. While I wouldn't mention it to her husband now, if you get concrete evidence, I would approach her about it, let her know that you can't sit back and watch her do this, and if it continues, talk to her husband. No one deserves to be left in the dark about something like that.

Of course, if they are doing something inappropriate in the work setting, talk to a supervisor. You should never have to feel uncomfortable on the job.

[HiddenMickey]

I think you should talk to your supervisor or principal and let him/her know that their behavior has made you uncomfortable and that you expect them to do something about it. I agree that YOU are also being sexually harrassed by this situation and by their inappropriate language and behavior. You have a right to work in a workplace that is free of this type of atmosphere. Do something to make it better.

-HiddenMickey

[Wendyismyname]

Wow, that is a very sticky subject. I wish the people who knew about my ex-husband's affair would have told me, but would I have believed them?? Seemed like the whole town knew(probably did since it's such a small town). But anyway, I would keep my nose clear of it if I wasn't very close to her, but if she and I were real close, I'd have taken the chance on losing a friendship and ask, very bluntly.

Good luck to you! Lots of especially since my reply probably didn't help you at all!!

[catsaway]

Wow that is one of those things that you wish people would keep a secret and not flaunt it all over the place. I would probably just stay out of it. Tough situation.

[jenloveseeyore]

Unless you are a close personal friend of Kay and her DH (especially the DH) I would not go to Kay's husband with suspicions or even facts. I feel that things like that should be left for Kay, or family members, or close family friends to discuss with Kay's husband. If it's that obvious to you, I'm sure it's also obvious to others that are a bit closer to the couple.

Having said that, especially since you are in a school setting, if the behavior is that obvious I would speak with Kay. If the behaviors don't lessen or cease, then go to your supervisor. Don't skip over the chain of command either...is there an immediate supervisor over the kitchen and custodial staff? If so, speak to that individual and if the situation isn't rectified then speak with your principal. I worked for two years in Human Resources and am now a teacher, so I'm looking at it from those perspectives. With anything involving sexual harrassment, you want to make sure you go through the proper channels rather than acting out of anger or frustration and jumping right to the top. You should have some type of sexual harrassment policy or code of conduct in your HR information or through your union that you can consult to find out who you should speak with.

Just my thoughts! Good luck with getting things resolved.