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[Gin]

That's definitely weird behavior. It sounds either like she's weighing her options, or she's being passive-aggressive.
I think not-inviting her to things for awhile is a good idea. It sounds like trying to get her involved is taking a toll on you, emotionally, and you don't need that.

[cburke]

Originally Posted by Gin

That's definitely weird behavior. It sounds either like she's weighing her options, or she's being passive-aggressive.
I think not-inviting her to things for awhile is a good idea. It sounds like trying to get her involved is taking a toll on you, emotionally, and you don't need that.

Thanks!!! You are right I don't need that. The past 3 month's I have been changing my way of thinking and how I handle things. I am so glad I have this forum to come to and my church group that I also go to for support. I think if it wasn't for you all and my church family I would be a basket case.

[kimberlym322]

I am going to play devils advocate here. Have you just sat and talked to her when your two DD's are having a play date? I don't mean talk like how is the weather kind of talk but talk like maybe how is hubby’s job, her job and so on??? Maybe it is because they are having money issues or something else like that and she is feeling embarrassed. Maybe things are on the rocks at her home, parents are sick or something like that. If she has just started to doing it, it could be something as above. She could feel when you ask her to come over that she feels like she needs to buy something, but don't have the money and because of that she has become “flaky”. Maybe sit down and talk to her like a true friend. Maybe she really needs a friend and don't have anyone to talk to about things, this may bring you closer as friends. Now if she has been doing it for years then just cut your loss and move on and don't worry about it.


Good Luck. Hope every thing works out.

[cburke]

Originally Posted by kimberlym322

I am going to play devils advocate here. Have you just sat and talked to her when your two DD's are having a play date? I don't mean talk like how is the weather kind of talk but talk like maybe how is hubby’s job, her job and so on??? Maybe it is because they are having money issues or something else like that and she is feeling embarrassed. Maybe things are on the rocks at her home, parents are sick or something like that. If she has just started to doing it, it could be something as above. She could feel when you ask her to come over that she feels like she needs to buy something, but don't have the money and because of that she has become “flaky”. Maybe sit down and talk to her like a true friend. Maybe she really needs a friend and don't have anyone to talk to about things, this may bring you closer as friends. Now if she has been doing it for years then just cut your loss and move on and don't worry about it.


Good Luck. Hope every thing works out.

Yes we talk all the time. She had been doing this since I known her which is almost 4 years. But in the past she didn't have those responce all the time but I been noticing she been doing this everytime now. Yes I have desided to just not worry about it and not invite her for awhile.

[coffeechef]

Originally Posted by kimberlym322

I am going to play devils advocate here. Have you just sat and talked to her when your two DD's are having a play date? I don't mean talk like how is the weather kind of talk but talk like maybe how is hubby’s job, her job and so on??? Maybe it is because they are having money issues or something else like that and she is feeling embarrassed. Maybe things are on the rocks at her home, parents are sick or something like that. If she has just started to doing it, it could be something as above. She could feel when you ask her to come over that she feels like she needs to buy something, but don't have the money and because of that she has become “flaky”. Maybe sit down and talk to her like a true friend. Maybe she really needs a friend and don't have anyone to talk to about things, this may bring you closer as friends. Now if she has been doing it for years then just cut your loss and move on and don't worry about it.


Good Luck. Hope every thing works out.

I was thinking along the same lines, as I have a sister like this. She will actually act excited about going to something and have every intention of going. Then will back out of it... sometimes it is financial. Sometimes its emotional or mental... you never know and there is no point in guessing. And you can never get her to tell you the real reason. I doubt she even knows herself Can it be hurtful? yes it can and its not alwayss easy to deal with or be understanding when you havve plans for a gathering big or small and they won't commit. its not because they are waiting for something better to come along. It may be a self esteem thing that keeps her from commiting. It might be her husband who can't briing himself to attend. and she won't go with out him. It most likely has nothing to do with you or your family.

[Disney Dream'n]

If she still doesn't have an answer after giving her several days to look into it, this sounds like an avoidance tactic to me. Unless she is truly that unorganized, she should be able to make a decision. Some people have issues with commiting to dates in advance and to me it seems like they want to keep their options open in case something more fun comes along.... well that isn't a good friend is it??
OR they just don't want to say "NO" out right, but really, that's what they are saying anyway by being non-commital.
If it were me, I'd just let them know the date and say "we", "I", " the kids" would really like you to come and leave it at that. Expect that they won't and be pleasently surprised if they do.
Friends can be jerks sometimes... if it contines you may want cut them loose and avoid the hurt feeling.

[cburke]

Originally Posted by coffeechef

I was thinking along the same lines, as I have a sister like this. She will actually act excited about going to something and have every intention of going. Then will back out of it... sometimes it is financial. Sometimes its emotional or mental... you never know and there is no point in guessing. And you can never get her to tell you the real reason. I doubt she even knows herself Can it be hurtful? yes it can and its not alwayss easy to deal with or be understanding when you havve plans for a gathering big or small and they won't commit. its not because they are waiting for something better to come along. It may be a self esteem thing that keeps her from commiting. It might be her husband who can't briing himself to attend. and she won't go with out him. It most likely has nothing to do with you or your family.

Well lately she never says she will make it she will say she will see if they can make it. But I think you might have hit it on the head when you said that it might be her hubby. Because when ever they did come when invited he was with her. She does say alot she will have to see if her DH has to work or not.

Originally Posted by Disney Dream'n

If she still doesn't have an answer after giving her several days to look into it, this sounds like an avoidance tactic to me. Unless she is truly that unorganized, she should be able to make a decision. Some people have issues with commiting to dates in advance and to me it seems like they want to keep their options open in case something more fun comes along.... well that isn't a good friend is it??
OR they just don't want to say "NO" out right, but really, that's what they are saying anyway by being non-commital.
If it were me, I'd just let them know the date and say "we", "I", " the kids" would really like you to come and leave it at that. Expect that they won't and be pleasently surprised if they do.
Friends can be jerks sometimes... if it contines you may want cut them loose and avoid the hurt feeling.

You are so right and I feel the same way.

[tinker_me_happy]

My DSIL is a total FLAKE! I LOVE her dearly, but she is a nutball!!!! No matter what TIME you tell her an event is, she shows up 2-3 hours LATE - IF she shows up at all!! She will give the same kind of non-commitment answers to invites too. We have come to learn over the years that it is NOT about "power" or "money" or waiting for something better to come along... no, she is JUST a DITZ!! Seriously... even when SHE is having something at her own house things are like that!

It used to make me crazy, now I just tell her that the event will start at X time (about 2 hours before I want her there IF it is really important!) and if she shows up she shows up! If it is REALLY important, someone else (usually my mom) will go pick up my niece, so at least she can be a part of it! Remember, you can NOT control your friend. You can only control how YOU react to her weird behavior! Since it is bothersome to you, I think not inviting her to stuff for a while is one way to go. The other thing you could do is just tell her NEXT time you invite her "JANE, I am having X event and I need a DEFINITE answer from you if you will come or not. When you give me a wishy washy answer, I get TOO STRESSED OUT. A simple yes or no will be fine either way, but a yes or no is the answer I need please!" You might be surprised by this DIRECT way of asking! Good luck with the party and Happy Birthday to your daughter!