I need to vent About This Page:

[A. Monster]

Ok, you guys were so supportive in my "Well, I did it - Upsetting Update" post that I figure I can get out what I need to get out here...

This is going to be a long one. Deep Breath...

I'm not sure how much more of DH and his family I can take. It all began long before I met him. When he and his older brother were kids, his mother shipped them off to various family members rather than have the responsibility of raising them herself. Every other year she would take them back, get tired of having kids and send them back upstate to live with either their grandparents or aunt and uncle. She would rather have been going to bars, drinking, and hanging out with men than be a mother. DH and his brother were once left by their mother at a park miles from home until a cop brought them home after dark, and they were only 6 and 7 years old. Another time DH and his brother walked to the candy store to steal breakfast, and that was when they were 5 and 6, because his mother never came home. DH claims that she tried but couldn't handle it, she had no money, even though she was living in government subsidized housing and receiving welfare - even after her kids lived with other people. Funny, my mom had no money and 6 kids. We were evicted a couple times, our electricity had been shut off a few times, but she kept us together and with her through it all. Well, MIL got pregnant with his little sister and the father moved in with her and they've been living together ever since, even though they can't stand eachother. Rachel, my DSIL, is now 13 years old. She has never been taught to brush her teeth, her hair, take a shower, etc, and leaves the house in dirty, unmatched clothes that reek of cigarette smoke from mom and dad, and are usually not appropriate for the season. My DMIL cannot be bothered to help her with her homework, and DSIL can hardly read at a second grade level. DH proposed recently that we take DSIL to Disney. But DMIL will be "devastated" to quote DH's brother if we go without her. Even though we paid for his whole family to go away to a cabin on a lake this past summer and they all complained about it, even though they didn't pay a dime or have to do any of the planning. And we never do anything with my family. Even going to dinner at my mom's once every few months is a chore for him although is mom and sister are over EVERY weekend. My mom is so sweet to him, too.

Last night, when I walked in the house after going to the supermarket after work (DH asked me to stop there even though he's home two hours before me) and he doesn't ask me how my day went, he just starts in with "Justin (my BIL) thinks mom would be devastated if we went to DW without her." I went off. This woman complains whenever anyone in her family goes on vacation without her or buys a house, etc, because they're not doing anything for her! I guess other people raising her children wasn't enough. I go out of my way to do nice things for her and she tells people that I don't like her. She asks DH and I to help Rachel and then complains to other family members about us overstepping our bounds. She borrowed money once from us when she didn't need it, out and out lied about needing it so we'd give it to her. So I said to DH, "when she can pay her way, she's more than welcome to go." And he said, "Justin would pay her way." OK, here's background on that statement.#1 Shouldn't he discuss vacationing with his family with me first since I'm his wife? #2: When we went to that cabin this past summer with his family, DH said he'd never go on vacation with anyone but just me from now on because it's just too much work going with so many people, and that was just hanging out in a cabin. #3 Justin (BIL) has been nothing but trouble towards me from day one. He has called me nasty names in my own house; helped DH almost destroy our marriage (which I alone had to fight to save); told me that he never liked me and never will; DH can do much better and he will never stop trying to show him that; I can be eliminated... and I did nothing to bring this on. That may sound unbelievable but it's true. I have always tried to make him feel welcome at our house and have encouraged DH to visit with him. But DBIL always has something better come up and cancels on DH, or just never calls back, and then I'm there to comfort him yet again. And DH has not once in the past 6 years defended me to this jerk, even though all of this takes place in front of him (which pretty much tells BIL that it's OK to do it). So I asked DH if I'm supposed to keep letting people treat me like this and continue to smile through it so we don't hurt his mother's feelings or anyone elses? And he said, "why can't you?" In other words, I'm just supposed to keep letting his family treat me like garbage and just keep giving and giving and giving. DH keeps saying that he has a heart and doesn't want to hurt anyone, but I guess I don't count in that. The second I don't agree with him about something, I'm irrational, immature, etc. I'm ready to just walk away from this. He never considers my feelings, ever. I keep brushing it aside, but shouldn't my feelings ever matter? It seems that I'm just here to be the maid and when he decides we're going to do something to make me happy then I get to be happy. I've been so depressed lately and I'm getting sick of putting on a happy face so I don't get accused of pouting, and then crying when no one else is around. When do you decide enough is enough? He won't discuss how I feel about all this and he won't go to counceling with me, that's "for weak people." He's just forever going to put their needs and their feelings before mine, even though he will admit that I'm the only one who's never let him down and have stood by him through some God-awful things. He'll even credit me with saving his life because of the way he was living before I met him - which had to have been the result of the way his mother tossed him to and fro.

I'm sorry, I know this was very long and disjointed, but that's how my life kinda feels right now - long and disjointed.

I just feel like running away. Any suggestions for saving this marriage when I'm the only one who sees a problem?!

[TiggGrrrl]

First Amy, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this and give you lots of {{{hugs}}} the only way I can here.

I don't have any magic words to say, I surely wish I did. What I will say is that I hope you know in your heart what's best for you to do and that you can gather the strength to do it, whether it's leaving and starting anew on your own or sticking it out with your DH.

Always remember we're all here for you and you can PM me and I'll give you my email addy if you want to talk.

[Kruggie]

Amy, I am sorry to hear you are going through such a very hard time. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

I kind of understand your problem. My DH came from a similar situation and what I have learned is that my DH would do ANYTHING to please his mother. He has spent his whole life trying to get her attention and love which he has been denied of more often than not. This also goes for DH"S brothers. Those boys went through alot together and they will lay down and die for one another. How does this all tie in to how you are treated....not sure. I havent figured that out yet myself, but I know there was a time when I was so far on the back burner on DH's list of importance that it wasnt even funny. I think sometimes it was the fact that he knew he had me and took me for granted. I will tell you that this was one of my DHs many problems....and there came a time in his life when he realized what was more important to him and gave up trying to please his mother because it was all in vain, he has accepted who she is and how she is. There are now lines he doesnt cross anymore for her. Hopefully your DH will figure this out as well. I know that I couldnt show him that, or tell him anything about his family with out his defense mechanisms kicking in. It was almost like a miracle when it happend, just out of the blue one day he said to me..."ya know, my family is really F'd up...and went on a sob spree....he vented....I cried with him and that was the end of those problems. I dont think you can do this for him...he has to figure it out all on his own and when he does.....life will be oh so nice. My DH still is quite close with his brothers, they however have learned to respect our relationship at the insistance of my DH. He has made it clear to all of them what comes first. He remains very close with his brothers, and his mother, he deals with her only when neccessary, she asks very little of him now and he asks nothing of her, he loves her, but expects nothing from her....and that is about what he gets. She lives 11 miles away from us, and I havent seen her in about a year, talked to her on the phone twice in the last few months. FINE by me!

You also have to know, that this took a serious toll on our relationship, we did seperate for about two years...I am not saying that that is the answer for you...I am really one for sticking it out and DH's family problems were the not the only problems we had...but they played a very significant role in who he was and how he treated me.

I am really feeling for you Amy, you can PM me anytime if ya need to vent or chat or whatever!

~Kristi

[ 01-22-2003, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Kruggie ]

[Janet 46]

Amy, first of all, this is the place to come with problems, because someone out there may have a suggestion or advice that will work for you. Second, luckily, I cannot relate to your problems and mine now seem so minor by comparison. So, instead I'm going to tell you what Dear Abby/Ann Landers always advise people: 1) Ask yourself if you're better off with him or without him. 2)Get counselling. If he won't go with you, go alone! 3) Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them.

I pray for you to have the strength to do what's right for you.

And please let us know how you're doing - we really do care!

[Belle*]

Amy, I am so sorry that this is happening. I am lucky enough to have a decent relatinship with DH's family but I do and can sypathize with your feelings of depression and frustration. I think Janet said it perfectly:

1) Ask yourself if you're better off with him or without him. 2)Get counselling. If he won't go with you, go alone! 3) Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them.

<font size="2" face="Comic Sans MS, Arial">DH and I have been married for 5 years and it has been VERY difficult at times. When something happens that makes me question our marriage, I always try to picture my life without him and how that would feel. It reminds what is worth saving. However, I have also done this in past relationships where I realized that I would be happier alone. Analyze your first emotion when thinking of life without DH and this stress in it. It may be that you realize your marriage is worth fighting for no matter what or it may be that you realize it's time for a change.

No matter what, you are worth more than you are getting in this relationship!! Feel free to vent here anytime or e-mail or PM me if you need anything. Good Luck! {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

[Cinderella_68]

Oh, Amy, my heart goes out to you! First of all, it is most definitely NOT allright for you to sit there and be treated like this by him or his family. It is emotional abuse. It sounds like your DH is desperate for the love of his mother that he will never get, because she is incapable of giving. (Been through that with my father.) Unless DH is willing to place boundaries with his family, you and your marriage will be compromised, IMHO.
The best thing I can recommend is prayer and counseling. Even if he won't go, you should go without him. As for counseling being for weak people, I can say that after a few years of counseling, and medication for the depression that 30 years of emotional abuse resulted in, I am stronger than I ever was, and wiser. I didn't want to pass those things on to my kids, so I did it for them, but benefitted myself as well.
It meant cutting ties with my father, a manipulative emotional abuser, to save my family and marriage, but thank the Lord He gave me the strength to set those boundaries and a husband who was patient enough to let me work through it, although he saw from day one that we were better off without my father in our lives hurting us every chance he got. It took a death threat to finally get through to me! I still love and miss my dad, but I don't like him at all, and I know that unless there is a miracle of God in his life, we won't be able to include him in our family, because he has no respect for our family.
Sorry to get so longwinded, this kind of stuff just really chaps my hide. I now better understand why people act like your inlaws, but that doesn't make it right. (My dad came from a very abusive family, some could call it torture, and prided himself that he didn't physically punish his kids, but he lacked in physical punishments, he more than made up for with emotional and mental punishments and manipulations.)
Email me if you ever want to talk, FrostinGal@aol.com.
Big hugs to you and God bless you real good!

[aurora1429]

Amy, I don't have the magical solution for you but it sounds like some others have some great words of wisdom! Sending some pixie dust your way!

[peterfan]

Amy, I'm sorry that you are going through such pain. Nobody deserves to be treated like crap. Especially by someone they love. Go to therepy/counseling. It will be good for you for no other reason then to have someone listen and not judge. A captive audience is a good thing. I can't begin to tell you what to do about the whole relationship, but you don't deserve to feel like this. Remember that it's not you. Your a good person.

[A. Monster]

Thank you all for your support, pm's, and encouragement. You've all really hit the nail on the head. I have to figure out what to do, but I'm not sure. I'd miss DH, but what I would miss is the happy times we shared in the past. I think I would mostly feel relieved without the baggage of his family in my life and his inability to handle it in a way that doesn't leave me feeling defeated. I have so much thinking and praying to do. This broken record discussion about where I fit in compared to his mom and brother has got to stop. It never gets anywhere and I end up feeling so alone and frustrated. He's even told me once that he knows I'll never leave not matter how he treats me. Nice, huh? How can he be so kind and loving and yet so awful?! And it's true that he doesn't know how to put my needs first, and never has, yet I put so much effort into doing that for him, even when I don't want to. I thought that when we got married he would start paying more attention to my feelings and needs, but it was just new name, same crap. He still won't stand up for me to his family, even though in private he'll admit to me that what they've done is uncalled for. All I've ever asked is that he be my greatest ally as I am his, but he just can't do it. It would hurt badly to leave, but if I'm going to feel alone, I'd rather be alone.

Someone take over for me please! [img]images/icons/frown.gif[/img]

[A. Monster]

Oops. [img]graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

[ 01-22-2003, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: adonenko ]

[Teddysmom]

Oh Amy I wish I could [img]graemlins/pout.gif[/img] Know that you are in my thoughts.

[ 01-22-2003, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Teddysmom ]

[Disneyphile's Wife]

I have been fortunate in my DH in that this has never been a problem with him. I have no advice or words of wisdom for you, other than seconding all of those who encourage you to get counseling for yourself even if your husband won't go. As for counseling being only for weak people, IMHO counseling is only for those strong enough to look their problems in the face, roll up their sleeves and do something about it. Then again, I've been in counseling and know what it can do for you.

Otherwise, all I can say is, "Here's lots of pixie dust, and I hope you find some help."{{{{HUGS}}}}

[tikibird]

Amy,

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif[/img] You alone can decide if you feel it is worth to try and save your marriage, but please know that you are not alone. I recently entered counselling on my own (DH refused, as he, of course, also is not the problem, according to him, I am), as I am also in a very difficult marriage, and also a difficult working environment. It really is helping. I am learning that I can not change the people around me, but I can change myself and how I react to them. I'm learning to set boundaries on what I will and will not allow in how people treat me. I'm chosing to hang in there for now, as I do not feel led by God to walk away, but many days, I really want to flee. Please email or PM me if you ever want to talk, it often helps to have others that have gone or are going through similar trial in their lives. I'll be praying for you!

Oh, and by the way - that recent solo trip I took to Disney World really did help alot! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

[Victorydiv]

Rest assured that you will not be alone. For every wonderful person out there, there is a wonderful person for them. Sometimes you just have to wade through some jerks on the way... Take it from a guy who knows better than to treat a woman that way.

Good luck

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[katerkat]

Oh... I don't have anything to say... But know that you're in my prayers!