Tell me what you'd do About This Page:

[Teresa]

My sis-in-law allowed a boy who went to her DD's HS live with them about 2 years ago. He's moved out, but still keeps in touch with her. Well, yesterday she came over and told us that she's a "Grandma". She calls this boy her "son", and his girlfriend just had a baby. SiL is all excited.
The "son" is 20. The baby's mama just turned 16.
I told SiL that if it had been MY DD, I'd have had the boy arrested. Statutory rape in Indiana is if the boy is over 18, and the girl is younger than 16.
SiL says "Well, her parents gave him written permission to date her. I told them to put her on birth control, but they're Catholic and said that she wouldn't dare do anything."
Her argument is that the parents allowed them to date, and should have known they might engage in "extra-marital" activities. I say it doesn't matter - the law is the law.
I don't think they should have been allowed to date in the first place, but giving permission to date is NOT giving permission to conceive a child.
So - what's your opinion?

[elisa1006]

I see no reason for him to go to jail. If he didn't rape her, then he didn't do anything technically wrong. Now morally, thats a different story. I'm not saying I agree by no means, BUT he shouldn't be punished.

[HeatherD]

Well, cow's out of the barn now. Arguing what should've been is kinda moot. At least these kids sound like they've got a good support system in place.

And, if it were my daughter, I'd judge her relationship based on who the boy is, not his age. Age is not the only factor in determining statutory rape (OK, yes that's the difference between it and rape, but it's about not taking advantage of someone too young to know better) and I abhor families who use age as a way to "get back" at a boy and ruin his life for something he did not do alone. I'm not saying that's what you're advocating, but if a family is concerned about age, then dating should not have been an option in the first place. Since they were allowed and I also don't believe in wearing blinders, I have to think they also bear some culpability in this. To blame just the 20 year old is hypocritical and I'm glad it doesn't sound like they are doing that.

[scottjs]

Sorry I know I am going to upset some people with this.

IMHO there should be jail/prison time involved.

Rape is rape. The law is very specific.

It doesn't matter how many times a 15 year old says yes.

[CinderAbby]

I personally don't see anything coming of this other than possible hatred from the 20 YO towards whoever put him in jail if he serves time. The kids aren't ours, and as much as you want to judge them, we're not in their shoes (any of them - the other parents, the boy, the girl). Your SiL is happy, let her be happy. The other parents gave permission, then let them help the young parents along. And if the boy is happy to be a dad, why take that away from him by making him serve time.

[pflamingo]

Maybe I've turned into an old fuddy-duddy, but I don't see how anyone can be thrilled about a 16-yr-old and her 20-yr-old BF having a baby! I was raised Catholic, and have a lot of friends who are, and I know the doctrine, but the reality of it is different. (One friend is about to become a Grandma herself b/c she put all the emphasis on abstinence.)

As for jail time, technically, yes, it's statutory rape - she's underage. But I think her parents need to serve it. What parent in their right mind gives permission for a 20-yr-old boy to date their 16-yr-old daughter, and then think they're not going to have sex? She may not be old enough to legally give consent, but her parents are. Yes, she probably would've found a way to see him if they had forbidden her to, but they shouldn't have stuck their heads in the sand on the sex issue.

[TheMadonna3]

My "first time" was when I was 15 years old of a boy the same age. Smart? No. Did he know better than I. No? Was I any more mature at 18? Nope. I could drive was the only difference.

HOWEVER, I have no idea what a 19 or 20 year old wants with a 15 year old. Most 19 and 20 year old guys I knew were trying to get a lady who was 21 to buy them beer.

The parents consented to the relationship, but my problem is a girl that young can be manipulated into doing things. I, for one, would have never allowed this relationship because of the age difference. Because of the support of the parents, I don't know if I could ruin this boy's life more than it has already been. What's the point of putting this young father in jail? The baby needs support, not a criminal for a father.

I have to agree it's statutory rape, but I don't think I could be the whistle blower. There's a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda in this story, but really, I see a baby who has some very young parents that is going to need some extra special care and energy might best be focused there.

[oldmom]

they were dating etc. should everyone have known better or done something different, probably. but what will it serve at this point to have him in jail and a registered sex offender for life. if they do stay together, he would never be able to go to see his kids in school plays etc.

[Carousel96]

If it were my daughter, I wouldn't let her date a 20 year old.
But this girl isn't mine, so there's not a darn thing I can do about it. And I sure wouldn't want to punish a baby for how young his parents are.
Is it possible your SiL isn't really as "thrilled" as she's letting on -- and is putting on a happy face so as not to appear judgmental or to poison the well of people's opinion of this baby?

[TMWIlson7196]

Ok I'm not trying to sound harsh here but what business is it of anyones? What's done is done and now there is a child involved. If daddy was to go to jail the one to suffer would be the baby. If daddy is willing to help with the baby and be a father then he should be allowed to. Just my two cents.

[Huntermom]

I do family law and I am not a proponent of most statutory rape statutes. For the most part, they only serve the purpose of possibly ruining a young man's life. I've met men at 40 who at 17 had sex with an almost 16 year old and now are considered "sex offenders" for the rest of thier lives. I don't condone what they do, but there are many more teens having sex and not getting caught. And charges are often pressed not for the interest of society or the safety of the community, but in revenge.

I also do not think the laws are effective in preventing teen sex. It would much better serve society if the money was put towards real abstinence programs-programs that encourage kids to pursue interests and work towards success. My experience has been that most teens that are sexually active are so because they have few interests, too much unsupervised time on thier hands and not so good role models, inclduing many middle and upper middle class parents in non marital relationships.

We also have to address premature sexuality-preteens should not be dressing like they belong on a street corner and should not be encouraged to listen to and watch media that is clearly not for thier age group. I am appalled when I see 6 year olds with IPODS, listening to pop and rock. What ever happened to all the grat kids music?

[Lemap760]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

I do family law and I am not a proponent of most statutory rape statutes. For the most part, they only serve the purpose of possibly ruining a young man's life. I've met men at 40 who at 17 had sex with an almost 16 year old and now are considered "sex offenders" for the rest of thier lives. I don't condone what they do, but there are many more teens having sex and not getting caught. And charges are often pressed not for the interest of society or the safety of the community, but in revenge.

I also do not think the laws are effective in preventing teen sex. It would much better serve society if the money was put towards real abstinence programs-programs that encourage kids to pursue interests and work towards success. My experience has been that most teens that are sexually active are so because they have few interests, too much unsupervised time on thier hands and not so good role models, inclduing many middle and upper middle class parents in non marital relationships.

We also have to address premature sexuality-preteens should not be dressing like they belong on a street corner and should not be encouraged to listen to and watch media that is clearly not for thier age group. I am appalled when I see 6 year olds with IPODS, listening to pop and rock. What ever happened to all the grat kids music?

Well said. Although I am guilty of letting my 6 year old listen to my ipod every once and awhile. It's my music and I know what's on there. There's no way he would have his own. Sorry that got a little off topic.

[Nebraska Disney freak]

Telling you my story will most likely get me kicked off of here but hear it goes.
When I was 14 I dated a 21 y/o. Why? I don't know. I live in a small town and even being a freshman in high school my class was pretty wild. A lot of partying going on. That's why I started hanging out with this older guy. He didn't drink, he didn't smoke. AND he went to church twice a week. Did my family like it NO did his NO! In fact we snuck around for quite sometime. We continued to date all through my high school. The town just KNEW I was pregnant. But kids in school became supportive of us. What do I think today. Well......May 21st we celebrated 21 one years of wedded bliss. He is still my best friend and we have three AMAZING children. Was I pregnant in school? No, our childen are 11, 9, and 7.
Should your sister support them? That's for HER to decide. Nothing is going to change the fact that the baby is here and needs to be cared for. If he goes to jail who is goiong to help support this baby? Also, after 10 years of doing foster care for over 50 teenagers I certainly under stand why she calls him her son.

I think one of the most important things to remember about this......It is not ours to judge what is right or wrong.

Sorry that's just the way I see it....

[shellybelly72]

for them, raising a baby is hard work and being young AND raising a baby is even harder... whats done is done..

[rescuesk]