Need advice & pixies would be nice. LONG - Page 3 - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
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I'm sorry for the pain your entire family is going through and any comments I make are just thoughts. I take it that both you and your husband has been to marriage counseling; if not I would suggest one. A counselor can even help with your children and they can guide you in what to do about this whole situation.
Affairs really hurt families and it takes a long time to over come and a lot of forgiveness. I understand that there are always 2 sides to a story and from what I've read both you and your husband still have a lot of issues or baggage to over come. I would let your husband know that these issues need to be addressed and worked on before your MIL is allowed to visit; one of which is your MIL. I wouldn't come right out and say your mom isn't allowed to visit because she said this and that; your husband would feel attacked and go on the defensive. I would word it in an "I" form of talking something like this:
I love you and really want our marriage to work, but I still feel very hurt and angry over the things that put your MIL name here said about me and what she told put your sons name here. I'm afraid that with her coming to visit will hurt too much right now. I want her to be part of our son’s life, but we need to make mends first. I do not know how to tell her and was hoping that you might have some suggestions on how to go about doing this. I value any ideas you might have can you please help me.
I would like to let you know once again how sorry I am for the pain you’re going through. I would consult your marriage counselor for suggestions.
If it were me, I'd tell Jim that he HAS to talk to her - BEFORE she comes. AND, she has to be told - with me sitting there listening - that it was his fault, and the circumstances surrounding the affair. Make sure he tells her what it is HE did - and that it is ALL his fault. Sorry - I don't buy into the "well, the marriage wasn't going well, and he needed someone to talk to...." junk that some people do - that's what friends/ministers/counselors are for!
Also - I'd tell him she has to be made aware that she hurt you - and Jamie. and before she can come into your house, she must offer a sincere apology. AND she now needs to tell Jamie how thrilled Jim was when he was born (I'm assuming he was very proud and happy). Jim needs to just accept the fact that this has upset you, and you'll not get over it, especially if she refuses to apologize. I'm a firm believer that kids love their grandparents unless they are abusive. Then, the child of that grandparent (Jim) needs to tell his/her kids that grandma/grandpa is not a good person right now and won't be allowed near the kids until they are better.
If your MIL won't deal with these things, then I'd forbid her entry to the house. Jim needs to concentrate on making sure you and the kids feel valued and happy, and that he's going to put you 4 first.
I'd also plan some things to do while she's here - join a book club that meets during the day, volunteer to clean dog cages at the Humane Society, all kinds of things - what ever it takes!
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First of all, and I was in a similar situation as yours with my monster in law......She verbally hurt one of my daughters like yours did your sons...she was always doing it to me, but when she did it to my child, I drew the line...she was not allowed at my house and I did not go to hers anymore....if my Dh wanted to see her, he went alone. Finally even he seen how she is and got tired of the abuse and he does not go anymore either....why does someone want to be sooo nasty and verbally abusive to family....don't they realize they will be all alone one of these days??? Anyway, I say talk to her before she comes let her know how you feel maybe she will change her mind and not come.......good luck.......
I'd ask all your kids friends parents if they can spend the week at their house.
Then find stuff to do away from the house. She will get the hint at some point.
If your DH has a problem with that then that's for him to deal with. He should
be back you and your kids up not his mother.
Oh and even though the house isn't in your name, it is still your home and you do
have a say as to who can visit and who can't.
Sorry - I don't buy into the "well, the marriage wasn't going well, and he needed someone to talk to...." junk that some people do - that's what friends/ministers/counselors are for!
Exactly, that's the point I've drilled into Jim's head.. no matter how bad you thought the marriage was you could have asked for a divorce,separation.. whatever!! It was better than the pain he caused EVERYONE ( himself included) As I said, there's sooo much more to this story but I think my posts are read on here by 'someone' .
Quote:
I'd tell Jim that he HAS to talk to her - BEFORE she comes. AND, she has to be told -
Unfortunately, he WONT talk to her.. When I told him to last year when we first got back together he told me no .. "what good would it do?, it's over & done" (that's his MO for the entire affair.. lets sweep it under the rug) he doesn't understand that it would make US feel better.. who gives a flying rat what his Mom thinks/feels? We should be #1 concern.
The kids & I DO have lots of things planned the week she's here.. Jamie is going to a Star Wars convention for a good part of the weekend she's here .. & both Bren & Shelby have plans with friends for a lot of the time.. Plus, the reason MIL is coming in is to see their band concerts so 2 nights of her visit will be there.. I'm sure she's going to be upset when they (especially Jamie) avoid her & run back to Texas & tell BIL & SIL how horrible I am.. but I don't care! feelings mutual!.
I am sitting down with Jim on Monday & laying it all on the line with him.. my unresolved feelings about the affair, the things his mom said etc.. If he gets upset/angry so be it!! I need some closure & my independent counselor said this is the best way..
Does your husband have vacation time? Tell him he needs to take the time off work when his mother is here so he can entertain her.
I know you want to get even, but it may backfire. You telling her the whole truth about the affair probably not have a great effect on her, but it will you. It will only churn up old feelings that you need to resolve if you are going to make your marriage work. I thought I had a good relationship with my inlaws, after a 30 year marriage, but when ex left, I learned blood is thicker than water. Even though he has not supported his children since he left (they were in college and there is no legal support obligation here) and has a nice new life because he left all his financial obligations here, too, he is their brother and they support him. My biggest disappointment has been his sister, who was very close to my children, has had very limited contact with them since he left.
I'd just let your husband know she's his guest not yours. You should be polite and hospitable (for your children's sake) but he can be the host, takaing care of meals, entertaining, etc.
I`m going to go against the grain here. To me the only opinions that matter come from people I love and care or have respect for - the rest - well you get the picture I think kids are bright enough to see the same. We`ve been in a similar but not totally the same picture with MIL and DD knew the situation perfectly.
I would try to to courteous to MIL, even if its just to keep the high moral ground. She shouldn`t hold any power in your life.
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Reading these last messages made me want to chime in again. I agree that it's really not any of your MIL's business what is going on with your marriage. She doesn't need to know any details. All the bad stuff and feelings is just fodder for her to use in the future. And I love the last line in Julie's message above "she shouldn`t hold any power in your life". I believe you may be giving her too much power over you and your family. She isn't part of your household, and as such really doesn't need to be part of what is going on at this point (and probably should have been left out of it previously). While she is there, if she brings up any of it, just tell her you won't be discussing it with her. Use that line as often as you need to. She'll get the message. Many pixies for you again.
I`m going to go against the grain here. To me the only opinions that matter come from people I love and care or have respect for - the rest - well you get the picture I think kids are bright enough to see the same. We`ve been in a similar but not totally the same picture with MIL and DD knew the situation perfectly.
I would try to to courteous to MIL, even if its just to keep the high moral ground. She shouldn`t hold any power in your life.
While I agree with this in part.. what do I do about MY feelings??? She said sooo many mean & nasty things about me to MY family.. if they even had an ounce of truth I think I would just blow it over. I do understand that Jim is her son & no matter what he does she's going to stick up for him but to make up such stories.. I feel i NEED to tell her how hurt I was by them & how hurt Jamie was..
No, I don't want to make it a full blown argument.. I want to handle it calmly & cooly & just let her know that I am on to her & won't easily forgive what she said..
I do intend to be cordial but she is no longer "mom".. she is now "Linda".. I have 0 respect for her.
UGH.. I'm having stomach trouble over all of this & am seriously thinking of staying elsewhere that weeks she's in but then it will cause more tension between me & Jim...
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While I agree with this in part.. what do I do about MY feelings??? She said sooo many mean & nasty things about me to MY family.. if they even had an ounce of truth I think I would just blow it over. I do understand that Jim is her son & no matter what he does she's going to stick up for him but to make up such stories.. I feel i NEED to tell her how hurt I was by them & how hurt Jamie was..
No, I don't want to make it a full blown argument.. I want to handle it calmly & cooly & just let her know that I am on to her & won't easily forgive what she said..
I do intend to be cordial but she is no longer "mom".. she is now "Linda".. I have 0 respect for her.
UGH.. I'm having stomach trouble over all of this & am seriously thinking of staying elsewhere that weeks she's in but then it will cause more tension between me & Jim...
What to do, what to do??
From what I've read, it will be no shock that she hurt you and your family because what she has said is intended to hurt you and your family. Personally, I think your DH has a duty to protect his wife and children from this toxic force, it seems like a no-brainer to me. And this is only secondary to your own rights as a mother.
I highly recommend the book Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend?). I also highly recommend forgiveness. I know that sounds trite, but I heard somewhere that NOT forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I do think there is a point where you are going to have to simply let it go and move forward. All you are doing by insisting on telling her how hurt and angry you are is dragging it on and on to a conclusion that will most likely never come and certainly not one that will make you feel any better. Are you hurt? Absolutely. Is Jamie hurt? You bet. Nothing will ever erase those words and they will most likely haunt you both for the rest of your life at those low moments when those "tapes" creep up on us when we least expect them. No amount of apology or perception of truth (keyword: "perception") is ever going to make it go away, so is it really worth getting everyone all up in arms with the drama that is most likely to ensue?
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I think kids are bright enough to see the same. We`ve been in a similar but not totally the same picture with MIL and DD knew the situation perfectly.
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