I am so sick of this--I have to vent About This Page:

[Wendyismyname]

Ugh, I don't know if this particular vent should go in the Family forum or here. It's a vent but it's about family!!

Okay, I suffer migraines and have high blood pressure. I guess I was suffering from migraines since January 2007. I didn't know about the BP until late July when I went to the ER because my head hurt so bad.

Well there's a huge fight in my family, and I haven't talked to one sister for a few years(we.do.not.get.along.enough said), but my other sister has been ragging on me about this and that, and she's wrong but doesn't think she is. Sigh, it's one of those thing where you just beat your head against the wall.

I didn't go to my niece and nephews graduation this year. She thinks it's because of our oldest sister who's son graduated(but my folks have raised him since 5th grade). And she also thinks I didn't go because I was mad at my mother and her.

I had a migraine from the wednesday prior(my DD's 6th grade graduation that no one showed up to)to the following friday(a week after graduation). I was S I C K.

I didn't go to my dad's hip replacement surgery, another migraine and he told everyone he didn't want anyone there(i thought I didn't have to go, you know honoring his wishes ).

Right or wrong, that is what happened and it's my business. I made my peace with my niece, nephew and dad. Dad said that was certainly what he had told me!

So according to her I "made myself sick" and i seem to have migraines when I want to get out of something.

Now come on people, it's coincidence, but I know for sure that i didn't make myself have these!!

Same sister thinks that I have been having all these birthday parties and not inviting her or her family, but the rest of the family.
I haven't had b-day parties for the kids since Josh turned 13 last year and she was invited but she and her dh had to work. That was fine be me. Well, she just KNOWS that I haven't been including her because my nephew and another niece said they come out for them.

They have just happened to come by the day we're having their birthday supper and cake!! Honest!!
So I asked my niece, I hate to get you involved but can you please tell her that it's not like that, that you have just happened to come along??

I got out of having the parties because we simply do not make that much money anymore to have everyone over. She of all people should understand that.

I am not 100% innocent, i am hot headed and I told them all(the whole family) to leave me the h-e double hockey sticks alone last year. I was so stinkin' sick, i spent the last part of summer and most of the winter with all my blinds closed and complete darkness.

Who knew that the one time they'd listen to me was then?!

She also keeps referring me to losing my temper so much---I used to when I was growing up, but it's much better now--only louder!

I'm finding out that there have been lies told to her and when I say different, the truth, no one believes me. That's why I hate lies, and it's why you wouldn't hear me tell one--with exceptions of course

Why is that people or at least the people in my family tend to believe the first thing they hear, whether it is the truth or not??

I made up with my mother and father, but she just keeps going on, and on, and on and "she's right".

I need fresh opinions and outlooks. I know you don't know the whole story, but I bet someone has a similar experience!!

Thanks!

[Belle*]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but as someone who has had migraines for years (one last night in fact) I can say for certain that you are not making yourself sick! You know you're intentions are good and the perfectly legitimate reason for doing or not doing things. People believe what they want to believe. Hang in there!

[poohmaine]

It's hard to give advice when I don't know you or your family . . . but I do know the only thing YOU can control is your behavior. If you want to patch things up, YOU can reach out to your sister. But IMO in your post, you still sound pretty angry, and you mentioned you told your family to leave you alone . . . not to excuse her behavior, but maybe you really hurt her feelings with that statement, and because you missed some pretty important family events? Just something to think about.

I hope you work things out, and if not, you find peace in knowing you tried your best.

[coffeechef]

Families... can't live with them, can't live with out them. Boy some of this sounds familiar even without knowing all the details. Family Communication and History. Most of what you are describing has roots in hurt feelings ( people feeling left out because an invitation was not extended or people feeling hurt because others did not think they were important enough to show up to their important gathering)
The person who has hurt feelings because someone did not show up to their "special day" tells everyone but the person they felt who"wronged" them. Adults .. especially siblings still measure their place in the Family by these measurements. Who comes to whosw house, important Event, etc. Dad has surgery and those that show up at the Hospital "feel" they "care" more. "Wheres your sister?" Oh she is not feeling well.... again?" (see Mom.. I am the best one and I did the dishes too and cleaned my room)
I don't know if there is anyway to end this other than to talk it out " nicely" with each other in positive ways. Its sounds old and I wish our family followed it. But talk about how it feels when these things happen.
When you called me at the last minute and said you had a migraine and couldn't come to my childs big day, I felt like you don't care or think my things are important.
What they are not saying is: IF it were your childs big day ... you would have been there no matter what.
I am not saying that the above is right or wrong to think or feel because everyone has the right to their feelings. Its in trying to understand how the other person feels and validate it and accept it as theirs. Its not easy to do... believe me. And it does not always solve the problem. But at least understand.
I have a Family Member who uses the same reason everytime we have a Holiday or gathering to show up late, I get upset,I get hurt. I spout to other Family members and friends how rude she is and how I don't want to invite them anymore because she does not want to come anyway & seems to want to ruin the Festivites. I have to cause she is married to my Dad. She spouts to her friends how we don't see how hard it is for her to care for my Father and she will say how she hates holidays anyway and has never liked them. My future plans... Invite them to come. Set a time. No commitments... if you want to come, then come, If you don't want to come then thats ok too. Just let me know. Won't solve everything> But it will save some Stress and hurt feelings to know that.

if you read this far.... good luck with this situation.

[HiddenMickey]

I'm sorry you are having so many troubles.

What do you do for your migranes? I started taking Imitrex and it's awesome....one pill and pain is gone an hour later. And instead of lasting three days....it's gone. (I also have borderline high BP).

[krisk11]

Sorry you are having so many issues with your family. I know when I use to get migranes I was sick for a minimum of 3 days and would never had gone to any event that wasn't life or death. All you can do is what's best for you and your family (meaning you, Ben and the kids). Life is too short to worry about what everyone else is saying or doing. Just live your life the way you want and forget about everything else.

[Colexis Mom]

[wyomom]

It is a safe assumption that most families have some sort of dispute going on at any given point. As DH and I say, we put the fun back into disfunction!
There are a couple factors I see going on in what you wrote and #1 are your migranes. If you are not taking something like Emitrex, now is the time to do so. Like the other poster stated, it does work wonders. There is no reason you should be suffering this often. Keep in mind that when you suffer, those around you are suffering too.
The other point that concerned me was your children. It is never healthy for the kids to see a family feuding. Yes, they are older, but just know that what they hear and see reflects on how they will live their lives and handle similar situations. Just know your actions and that of your family is teaching them how families interact. Step back and look at the dynamics from the kids point of view. Would you want your kids to handle situations like your family is doing?
I am speaking from experience, not pointing fingers so please know that. I too, have had some horrible feuds going on with my family and at the end of the day, I sucked up my pride, showed compassion, and in my opinion, came out the victor since I now have great relationships with those I was "wronged" by. I showed my kids that family is here to stay and even if we have differences, we are still a family who loves one another.
Yes, your sister may be a butthead, but don't let her determine how your kids view family.... that is up to you!
Best of luck!

[RobDVC]

[Happymommy]

Aww- Wendy! I'm so sorry!!!!!

First, I need to say that many people who have migraines just don't get it. They think it's just a headache--- they don't understand the nausea, and the vomiting etc. Also--- imitrex can be a miracle drug. I was given a prescription when I was trying to get pregnant with Aidan, but couldn't take it. So, have just dealt with the migraines by taking lots of ibuprofin-- never worked. After both kids were born and done breastfeeding, my MIL who also has migraines, gave me one of her imitrex on Christmas day when I had a migraine--- Oh my gosh, it was like a miracle. I wasn't afraid to take it because at one time I did have a prescription for it. It made me feel a little sleepy, but I didn't care. I got myself a prescription after that. Don't just suffer with them (like I did).

As for your family--- I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much. Lots of pixies!!

[Wendyismyname]

Originally Posted by Belle*

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but as someone who has had migraines for years (one last night in fact) I can say for certain that you are not making yourself sick! You know you're intentions are good and the perfectly legitimate reason for doing or not doing things. People believe what they want to believe. Hang in there!

Thank you!

Originally Posted by poohmaine

It's hard to give advice when I don't know you or your family . . . but I do know the only thing YOU can control is your behavior. If you want to patch things up, YOU can reach out to your sister. But IMO in your post, you still sound pretty angry, and you mentioned you told your family to leave you alone . . . not to excuse her behavior, but maybe you really hurt her feelings with that statement, and because you missed some pretty important family events? Just something to think about.

I hope you work things out, and if not, you find peace in knowing you tried your best.

Thank you!! Been reaching out so far, I've nearly fell and got broken. I am angry only because she keeps bringing stuff up, like a dog with a bone she won't leave it alone!! And yeah, I wanted to be left alone, because they kept asking me to have their kids over, to feed them blah blah, and I just broke. I can only do so much, I can't and won't take care of their kids too.
Oh please don't read this as I'm being catty or anything, because I truly appreciate new insight.

Originally Posted by coffeechef

Families... can't live with them, can't live with out them. Boy some of this sounds familiar even without knowing all the details. Family Communication and History. Most of what you are describing has roots in hurt feelings ( people feeling left out because an invitation was not extended or people feeling hurt because others did not think they were important enough to show up to their important gathering)
The person who has hurt feelings because someone did not show up to their "special day" tells everyone but the person they felt who"wronged" them. Adults .. especially siblings still measure their place in the Family by these measurements. Who comes to whosw house, important Event, etc. Dad has surgery and those that show up at the Hospital "feel" they "care" more. "Wheres your sister?" Oh she is not feeling well.... again?" (see Mom.. I am the best one and I did the dishes too and cleaned my room)
I don't know if there is anyway to end this other than to talk it out " nicely" with each other in positive ways. Its sounds old and I wish our family followed it. But talk about how it feels when these things happen.
When you called me at the last minute and said you had a migraine and couldn't come to my childs big day, I felt like you don't care or think my things are important.
What they are not saying is: IF it were your childs big day ... you would have been there no matter what.
I am not saying that the above is right or wrong to think or feel because everyone has the right to their feelings. Its in trying to understand how the other person feels and validate it and accept it as theirs. Its not easy to do... believe me. And it does not always solve the problem. But at least understand.
I have a Family Member who uses the same reason everytime we have a Holiday or gathering to show up late, I get upset,I get hurt. I spout to other Family members and friends how rude she is and how I don't want to invite them anymore because she does not want to come anyway & seems to want to ruin the Festivites. I have to cause she is married to my Dad. She spouts to her friends how we don't see how hard it is for her to care for my Father and she will say how she hates holidays anyway and has never liked them. My future plans... Invite them to come. Set a time. No commitments... if you want to come, then come, If you don't want to come then thats ok too. Just let me know. Won't solve everything> But it will save some Stress and hurt feelings to know that.

if you read this far.... good luck with this situation.

Well said. I've always been there and done that for her kids--several, thousands of days spent babysitting, overnighting, loaning $$, whatever.

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

I'm sorry you are having so many troubles.

What do you do for your migranes? I started taking Imitrex and it's awesome....one pill and pain is gone an hour later. And instead of lasting three days....it's gone. (I also have borderline high BP).

Doctor gave me that new medicine that has imitrex and the NSaid. Cannot take it. Made me go completely nuts where I wanted to kill myself or just die right then. It was horrible. I need to ask him for something less powerful. Evidently i'm not cut out to take "the good stuff"

Originally Posted by krisk11

Sorry you are having so many issues with your family. I know when I use to get migranes I was sick for a minimum of 3 days and would never had gone to any event that wasn't life or death. All you can do is what's best for you and your family (meaning you, Ben and the kids). Life is too short to worry about what everyone else is saying or doing. Just live your life the way you want and forget about everything else.

Having you as a sounding boards helps Kris!!

Originally Posted by Colexis Mom

Thanks Marnie!

Originally Posted by wyomom

It is a safe assumption that most families have some sort of dispute going on at any given point. As DH and I say, we put the fun back into disfunction!
There are a couple factors I see going on in what you wrote and #1 are your migranes. If you are not taking something like Emitrex, now is the time to do so. Like the other poster stated, it does work wonders. There is no reason you should be suffering this often. Keep in mind that when you suffer, those around you are suffering too.
The other point that concerned me was your children. It is never healthy for the kids to see a family feuding. Yes, they are older, but just know that what they hear and see reflects on how they will live their lives and handle similar situations. Just know your actions and that of your family is teaching them how families interact. Step back and look at the dynamics from the kids point of view. Would you want your kids to handle situations like your family is doing?
I am speaking from experience, not pointing fingers so please know that. I too, have had some horrible feuds going on with my family and at the end of the day, I sucked up my pride, showed compassion, and in my opinion, came out the victor since I now have great relationships with those I was "wronged" by. I showed my kids that family is here to stay and even if we have differences, we are still a family who loves one another.
Yes, your sister may be a butthead, but don't let her determine how your kids view family.... that is up to you!
Best of luck!

I always thought WE were the Fun Dysfunctional family!!

The one thing I do not allow is ranting and raving in front of the kids. Go to another room or go outside is what I do.

[Wendyismyname]

Originally Posted by RobDVC

Thanks!! I need the pixies!

Originally Posted by Happymommy

Aww- Wendy! I'm so sorry!!!!!

First, I need to say that many people who have migraines just don't get it. They think it's just a headache--- they don't understand the nausea, and the vomiting etc. Also--- imitrex can be a miracle drug. I was given a prescription when I was trying to get pregnant with Aidan, but couldn't take it. So, have just dealt with the migraines by taking lots of ibuprofin-- never worked. After both kids were born and done breastfeeding, my MIL who also has migraines, gave me one of her imitrex on Christmas day when I had a migraine--- Oh my gosh, it was like a miracle. I wasn't afraid to take it because at one time I did have a prescription for it. It made me feel a little sleepy, but I didn't care. I got myself a prescription after that. Don't just suffer with them (like I did).

As for your family--- I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much. Lots of pixies!!

Thanks!
I might call the doctor's office and see if they can write me one for just Imitrex, or give me a sample. I take advil and try to put heat on my neck as that seems to tense up so much.

[Jookiba]

You have my utmost sympathy because I am a horrid migraine sufferer. I can't take the classes of drugs such as Imitrex, Maxalt, etc. because I feel like I'm having a heart attack. My family knows how bad they are (I think with the last I had a minor stroke) and they understnad-they also know with my stressful personal situation that I get them more regularly than average and have never had anything bad to say about cancelling dinner/breakfast/anything plans.

You also have my sympathy for your familial issues. Every family in this world has some kind of disparity somewhere in the ranks. All I can tell you is open communication is the key-but all parties have to communicate and it sounds like that's what's breaking down somewhere along the line. It's a lifelong process......so all I can offer you is pixies. Sorry I don't have any good advice!!!

[Wendyismyname]

Thanks, I am just getting myself worked up now and I am sitting here crying. I am glad I have you guys to bounce things off because I have no one else. Since everyone else works "in the real world" and me being a SAHM means absolutely nothing(that's what my family thinks), I don't have anyone to talk to because everyone I know is at work, and you just don't call people at work to bother them.

[agnes1956]

I am sorry you are having migraines and have high blood-pressure. You do not make yourself have miagraines and I know how bad miagraines can be. It is hard to let go of the stress caused by people you love but it is time to do that. Make your own decisions and refuse to discuss them with your relatives.
Your family only have the control over you that you allow them to have. If you want to win an argument then the minute they find fault with you, find fault with them. I suspect you don't want or need to argument. Just give them your decision and tell them it is not open to discussion.
How do they contact you? If it is by email then you can also not open the email. If they call you on the phone you can cut the call short by telling them you don't have time to chat now but will get back to them, end the call, and don't call them back.
Everyone deserves to be treated good and arguments only cause rifts. If they can't respect your decisions then don't feel guilty if they are not speaking to you.
When you do meet at a party, be the first to speak, smile and then choose someone else to chat with.
We can choose our friends but we can't choose our relatives. However, you have the right to set limits in what you will allow and what you don't want to talk about. I hope this advice will work for you. When it is repeated enough times they will learn.