Need Your Opinions: Kind of Long About This Page:

[DawnDenise]

I'll try to make a long story short here but I really need some input.

My DSIL is turning 21 in November. As her gift, my DMIL and DFIL are taking her and her girlfriend to Las Vegas. They are paying for her plane tickets and hotel. Anything else will be their responsibility. We were invited to go but with our trip to WDW in October, it would not be possible.

I do need to give a little bit of the back story. Right after Jaime turned 20, we had a huge series of problems with her. She got evicted from her apartment for not paying rent and Judy had to pay all the back rent since she co-signed on the lease (about $1500). She couldn't hold a job, the cops were called more than once due to Jaime hitting Judy, and many many bounced checks that she was taken to court for. On top of that, she talked her other brother into loaning her money from his trust fund that was set up by their grandfather to buy a car and still hasn't paid anything back to him. Right after Christmas, she moved up to Northern IN and has somewhat turned her life in the right direction. She moved in with her girlfriend and has had the same job for over a year.

Chuck is still having some trust issues with his sister but is trying to rebuild the relationship. Here is where my issue comes in. When Chuck turned 21, he had already been working for the same company for 3 years and never missed a payment for rent, bills, etc. His mom took him to dinner and gave him a $50 gift card to some place.

Here is where my issue comes in. Chuck doesn't think it is fair that his mom is willing to pay for the big things for Jaime and her girlfriend on this trip after everything she has put his mom through over the past year and a half or so. We've taken many trips with them and have always paid our on way. Chuck is really jealous that she is willing to do this and I don't know what to say to him. I see both sides of the story and can understand both but I am having a hard time getting him to calm down about it.

I need your wise help!!! Sorry this is so long but I've been dealing with this on our trip and since we have gotten home.

[mestitch]

I don't really have any advice, I just understand your feelings.

Andy's parents shelled out thousands of dollars for Matt to go to USC (they paid his rent, his bills, his tuition, and gave him spending money on top of that). They did this for around 2 years. The whole time, he was partying and flunking out of school.

When Andy's turn to go from tech to Clemson rolled around they wouldn't let him live on campus (30 minutes away vs. Matt's 2 hours away). They told me in secret that if he lived at home they'd get him a car when he graduated.... well we just bought our own car back in Nov.) He ended up moving in with me during his 2 years at Clemson.

They bought Matt a laptop saying that he had to pay them back monthly. He never made one payment. He moved back in and lived in their rec room for a year, while flunking out of school again (this time Clemson). He says he's going back to school in the fall, but I doubt it.

It's sad to see one sibling get treated the complete opposite of the other. It has always upset me to see how Andy gets the "we learned a lesson so we're not doing this again" treatment (he's younger obviously). Funny how the one they spent all that money on hasn't accomplished anything but the one they didn't want to do anything for is now a college honor grad, married, with a great job, and moved away to a bigger city.

I hope you can figure out something to help Chuck with this situation. I don't think it's right at all for his mom to have done so little for him compared to what she's doing for the sister. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] for your family!

[TroianRae]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't really have any advice, I just understand your feelings.


I hope you can figure out something to help Chuck with this situation. I don't think it's right at all for his mom to have done so little for him compared to what she's doing for the sister. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] for your family!

[/ QUOTE ]

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/yeahthat.gif[/img]
Excellently said, Melissa!!

[graygables]

I can understand, too, and was the "prodigal" for awhile in my family. I honestly think that "stable" children get less b/c parents feel that they are self-sufficient. The "unstable" ones, they feel if they pander to them and throw money at them that it might help (and at the very least, makes the parents feel better about having "failed, even though they most likely have NOT). I have also seen many parents try to overcompensate when the adult child is in a relationship that may not be what they'd hoped (gay, bi-racial, etc) b/c they don't want to come across as intolerant, so they gush about how wonderful it is to try to convince themselves that they don't really feel the way they do.

My parents took me and my 2 DDs in when I went through a divorce and took care of them so I could go to back to school and knock out 3 years of college in 18 months. My brothers were *very* jealous and I completely understand that.

Both my older 2 have moved back to my parents (they are 20 and 17 now) and I am having similar issues...no, you can't "fix" them, but throwing money/trips at them isn't helpful, either. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/082502no_prv.gif[/img] It really causes trouble in the family.

OTOH, DH has a much better attitude about it than I do...it's their money. They are adults and they can choose to spend their money however they see fit. If they don't leave us anything in the will or give us any gifts ever, so be it. His parents have quit giving gifts to anyone who isn't a grandchild still at home (my older 2 get nothing).

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] to you and Chuck...it's a tough situation to be in and work through.

[katspjs]

I don't have any advice for you just lots of [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[KrisLuvsDisney]

I wish I had advice, but I can send tons of [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] your way!

[GoofyMom]

My younger sister is the one in my family who has always received the benefit of my parents' excess generosity. She lived at home room&board free and with the perks that go with that (free long distance, free satellite tv, free gasoline because she filled up at the farm tanks) while she was working full-time. I pointed out to my Mom that they were being taken advantage of and basically just received a shoulder shrug. I have no idea why they treated her more preferentially. She's the smartest of the 3 of us (me, my brother & her), but she's unmarried so I've always assumed that they felt that justified it. She has since moved out of their home, but she still receives things from them, like they will pay for her car repairs or they will buy groceries and fill her freezer up when they leave her place. The thing is, she's making a pretty sweet paycheque now and can afford to do these things on her own. I won't even let them fill my car with gas if they've been driving it when they come visit.

I guess the moral of my story is, Jaime will likely keep "using" your in-laws as long as she's allowed. Is it unfair? Yep. But it's life. Life's not fair. I cut the apron strings a long time ago and my sister still has a thread or two attached. I was jealous for quite a while because we were struggling on one income for 4 of us while she had one income for just her. Eventually I just decided that life is too short to worry about junk like that. Because "Life's not fair". Deep down I still resent that we did without stuff while she was handed free food. I think it's something Chuck is going to have to figure out himself.

[boosmom96]

I don't have any advice, just lots of [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img][img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] for you and Chuck.

[iamgrumpy]

Sorry about not having any advice but I will send you some pixies!
[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]
[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]
[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[lauren-roxy]

I can kind of see where Chuck is coming from in a way. My brother has never been in trouble, but my mom has always been very generous to him and helped him out many times and even gave him the down payment for his house. She has not been as kind with me and I am the one who lives closer to her adn does things for her. I always jokingly refer to him as the Prodigal Son. I think it might just be that your MIL sees that her son can take care of himself and goes on trips while his sister couldn't go if her mother didn't pay for it. It doesn't make it right though, but I think his Mom knows that he is always going to be ok, but her daughter will probably always need some help and is afraid what will happen to her if she doesn't help out. Pixies for Chuck. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[RobinKay6573]

I have had my share of problems when I was young. I got married w/o my parents knowing at 21 and moved out to Michigan with my (now) ex-husband. When things didn't work out with my husband I moved back to Vermont. My sister, Sandy was still living with my parents (she is 2 years older then me). Sandy lived at home even when she lived in the dorms (she would be in the dorms 3 days a week and at my folks 4 days a week). The ONLY time I lived at my parents' house was during vacations and for those 8 months that I got back on my feet after my divorce.

When I moved back to Michigan I was on my own. My parents helped here and there with bills but I worked...ALOT sometimes up to 80 hours a week to make ends meet. I didn't have a car and took the bus everywhere. My sister was living it up with my parents. When I started college at MSU my parents didn't pay anything. I had to take out loans. So now I am in dept and my sister owns a house. I am pissed...very much so actually but what can I do hold it over my parents heads? They know....I tell mom all the time. I just try to live my life the best that I can. Resentment will only cause you more pain then it is worth.

Just tell Chuck he should be happy he has his life together. He has so much because of his success...isn't that worth more? Nothing is ever going to be equal.

[RobDVC]

Dawn, it's definitely not fair. Speaking from the perspective of the oldest child, I always felt slighted when my younger sisters, especially the youngest one, got something that was better or were treated better by my parents.
I remember fighting tooth-and-nail to get my curfew raised every year, and then as soon as my parents agreed, my one-year-younger sister would be allowed to stay out until the same time.

This sounds like the parable of the Prodigal Son.

What it comes down to is your parents-in-law are providing for their child that can't provide for themselves, while taking for granted the child who can.

[lkmom]

Some people are givers, and some people are takers. Some parents respond to this. Almost every family I know has 1 person who will take and take.

Some questions to ask: Who brought up the trip? Have his parents offered to pay in the past and you refused? That's what we do. Sometimes we have to step back and look at the situation again. It seems to me that Chuck should be frustrated that his parents are being easily parted with their money, not jealous of the $ value of the gifts or his parents love.

Just from seeing your posts, you can tell that you are happy together and his parents see that you have each other. His parents are trying to make her happy too. Sometimes parents try too hard too soon.

Good luck. I hope you all find peace.

Signed,
Someone who has been in this position for far too long.

[debsta922]

I'm sorry that Chuck has to go thru this Dawn. I'm lucky in my family that my parents have been pretty equal to each of us. Dh's parents tend to favor his sisters a little more... simple things like extra Christmas presents though, nothing as major as your in-laws. It's a hard thing to deal with sometimes though.
[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img]

[DawnDenise]

Thanks for all of your input so far. I really do appreciate it. I have to agree with everyone. I don't think it is the value of the gifts that he is jealous of. I think it is more of the ease his mom has in always helping her out. Would she be there for us if we needed the help? I think she would but we have never needed to ask (thankfully) and she has never offered as well. I know his main gripe if I can call it that is that he was a witness to all the horrible things she has done to their mom and he feels that a lot of trust needs to be earned back. It's hard to explain but what you all have said makes a lot of sense. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/082502yes_prv.gif[/img] I've just been trying to help him through this as he seems really bugged by it.

Thank you all!!