Familiy Feud About This Page:

[AKLRULZ]

Lots of chat about family issues and I'm wondering how good/bad our relationships are within our families.

My wife's oldest brother who is 42 next month hasn't spoken to anyone in his family for nearly 10 years due to a complete misunderstanding and huge fight on Christmas Day 1993. He's completely missed out on my children's lives and it's so sad because I considered him a brother myself and when our first son was born in the middle of the night under emergency conditions he was right by my side for support and was a devoted uncle. The saddest thing is that my wife and I weren't even there on that Christmas Day when the blowup happened and we still to this day don't know the whole story, yet we were labeled as siding with the family and not him for some reason. We've tried everything in the world to reconcile and after years of doing so left it up to him. Last time we saw him was at my wife's maternal grandmother's funeral in 1995 (although he wouldn't speak to us). The only contact we now make with him is sending him an annual Christmas photo.

Amyone else deal with estrangement or family feuds and how have you handled it?

Signed,
Life is too short

[Dumbo]

My family had a hugh feud! When I was young my parents took care of Mom's grandparents. They had raised her and considered her their daughter rather than the first grandchild. After years of paying for upkeep on a house (grandparents) and rent my parents couldn't do it any longer. They felt that they needed more $ for us (my brother and I). They went to the 6 children and asked for financial help with household upkeep. There was a hugh fight. One daughter moved her parents into an apartment. What my parents wanted got turned around. Overnight my brother and I weren't as close to our grandparents as we had been. We had been there everyday sometimes all day. We were spoiled. Some of the family quit speaking to my parents altogether. This went on for over 40 years! Things got better before most of the children died but it was never the same.

We now have a family reunion every summer and that's helped. A few years ago we saw one cousin we hadn't seen in about 40 years. I now e-mail her.

Right now we're having an out with DH's Dad. FIL is demanding. DH didn't jump one day about 1 1/2 months ago when FIL yelled. He won't speak to DH. It's no loss because he nevered treated DH or our DSs the way he should have. We'll speak again but it's up to FIL.

I agree it's sad when this stuff happens.

[simbarel]

My brother and I can really get into it, but it has never lasted long enough to qualify as "estranged." DF though...he has lots of abandonment issues with both his parents. He's coming back on track with his mother (partially thanks to the love of a good woman at his side ) but his dad, I don't know. DF left his father's home in the U.K. when he was 14 or 15 because he didn't get along with his father's new 19 year old wife. His sister's wedding was the only time he's seen him since...and just this summer when DF's job took him to London he made a real effort to get in touch with his dad---they made plans over the phone and DF spent the day in the hotel waiting for his arrival, but his father never showed. This was a real blow to DF, so when we were discussing our wedding list I suggested that we didn't invite him because I don't want future DH to be unhappy on our wedding day when his dad doesn't show. But he's inviting him, just to prove that he's a bad father. I'm not sure what I think about that, but whatever...

It makes it worse that I've found the guy all over the internet being very involved in a U.K. youth group and many photos of him and his two children from his second marriage. My poor hunny!

[Janet 46]

No estrangements in my family, thank goodness! Both of my sisters and their families live within 3 miles of me, and we're all very close with our parents. Hubby has a sister in PA and a younger brother in Ohio, so we only see him and his wife once or twice a year. MIL and FIL live in the same house where DH grew up, about 5 miles from me. His dad is a sweetheart, and DH talks to him often. Nope, no estrangement here! Ask me again after Thanksgiving.

[LisaJ]

Why do we as humans do such crazy things? I will never, ever, as long as I am on this earth, understand why some of us are so stubborn. I just can't for the life of me understand any of it. Will it be worth the missed family times when you're on your death bed? You will never hear someone say, "I wish I had fought more with all the siblings", but you will hear someone say, "I wish I had spent more time with my family".

[MegglesMom]

No true 'estrangements', but a couple of issues. My DM and stepDF are in the middle of a terribly messy divorce, so I've been trying to avoid him. Although, I just heard that he's sailing to the Bahamas with one of my brothers, so that may be a moot point.
Another one is with DHs brother. I just can't seem to get along with him. I've tried everything! DH says that he's mad that his brother can't control him anymore, which I see as a good thing! But this man has threatened to kill me before, so I just don't see myself opening my heart to him again...

[disneyprincess]

We have some here in our family. DH is the baby of 6, I am an only child. I have always loved the fact of how over the holidays his whole family has always gotten together and stuff. Well the brother that is a few years older than him has not spoken to either myself nor him for about 4yrs now. It was all because when he was getting married, DH had some issues with his back and was out of work for 3months! I had just had our thrid baby and he was only a few months old. Poor DH couldn't get out of bed and when he did he was on the livingroom floor eating, sleeping and would crawl on his hands and knees to use the bathroom! DH kept saying that we would be able to make the wedding and stuff. they live in PA we are in NJ. Finally I convinced him that we weren't going to be able to go and that I needed to call and let them know so that they didn't pay for us and the kids.

Well, BIL was soooooo angry that first I was the one that called, (I would think that he would be thankful that at least we called!) then he proceeded to curse DH out like crazy. DH was sooooo disgusted that he hung-up on him and threw the phone across the room. He was on so much pain meds that he didn't even remember the conversation. I called back and apologized to which he was nasty to me. I also called my then future SIL and left a message for her to call me because I wanted to explain everything. She never returned the call.

Til this day they have missed out on soooo much. BIL is my oldest DD godfather. He never sends a B-day card. Wasn't there for her first communion, etc. They have two children themselves. Their first was born two weeks prior to my youngest. Its a shame because since she was going through a pregnancy for the first time and I was but for the fourth time we could have shared a lot of stuff. We do go to some family gatherings, if they are there we don't speak to each other. They never did get along as I can remember from way before we ever got married but still.

Of course MIL feels the need to always say something every chance she gets which makes me really angry! She sees just the one side and doesn't see our side. Won't listen either. It's always been that DH is the black sheep and the rest of them are always right in what they do!

No thanks! That is why I live a whole other state away!

I just pray that my four children do not go through this when they are older. I hope that they stay close with each other.

[A. Monster]

[ QUOTE ]
Another one is with DHs brother. I just can't seem to get along with him. I've tried everything! DH says that he's mad that his brother can't control him anymore, which I see as a good thing! But this man has threatened to kill me before, so I just don't see myself opening my heart to him again...

[/ QUOTE ]

Holy smokes it's like reading about my own life! I've always tried to be friendly and welcoming to this guy, but he will never accept the fact that he can't control DH anymore. He lives over two hours away, speaks to DH once every couple of months, never visits, and then tells me that he knows DH better than me and knows that I'm not what he wants, and I can be "eliminated." Nice, huh? Now I just try to avoid being in the same place because anything I say or do is interpreted as confrontational. I can't talk to DH around him without him putting in his two cents and trying to influence DH. But mainly, he tried to get DH to leave me for another woman - boy did he try!

And I have two sisters that we never see or talk to. One lives in the Bronx with her "husband" and a constant supply of marijuana, and who tried to blackmail my mother for money when my aunt passed away and her insurance paid out. The other chose partying and drugs over her two childrend and managed to "borrow" over $3000 in a two month span to pay her low income house rent ($150/mo - do the math) before getting evicted, blaming all of us for not giving her more money and leaving her two boys in two different places. She's seen them maybe 3 times in the past 4 years.

I can't believe we were even raised in the same household!

[GoofyMom]

<font color="9966ff">No real estrangements in our families that I know of. There was a bit of a rift between my Dad and his brother after Grandpa died. My Grandpa was dying in hospital and they called my Uncle to come because Grandpa was asking to see him. Uncle was too busy. But he made sure he was available for the reading of the will. And to top it all off, he made out like a bandit when they cleaned out Grandpa's house. He took everything of value that he thought he could sell, whereas Dad was more interested in some sentimental things, some of which were valuable but my Uncle got them first. My uncle also inherited a section of farmland that my Dad and Grandpa farmed together, but because he lives in a different province he decided to rent it out -- and he rented it to a neighbour rather than to Dad and my Brother. That caused hard feelings for years. </font>

[chezp]

My mum is estranged from a lot of her family, but that's down to events about 10 years ago, which included a member of her family (not blood relative, her cousin's wife) sending me a letter, saying she thought my mum needed psychiatric treatment. I rang my dad in tears, only to find out everything she'd written was a complete lie. As a result, none of us have anything to do with that side of the family. I really can't forgive what she did or forget how much upset she caused us all.

[Tara O'Hara]

That is so sad, Steve! Life is way too short for that stuff. We have had our share of disagreements with my family or John's family, but we always have been lucky enough to resolve them. I can't imagine not speaking to my brother or sister for any extended period of time! I think you should keep trying to contact your BIL.

[mrsmaup]

No estrangements on either side. My husband has had to work out some issues w/his parents, but was never estranged from them.

I will tell you though that my husband's family is very out of sight out of mind and makes no effort on their own(except for 2 of my sil) to keep in touch. They will keep in touch if I make the first step, but nothing otherwise.

I could get irritated(and have) about how blase my dh family is about family, but it serves no purpose, so I write letter, email, call, etc and they respond lovingly and we are able to be close.

Would I like to NOT be the one to put forth so much effort? yes, but it wont happen any other way

[AKLRULZ]

[ QUOTE ]
I think you should keep trying to contact your BIL.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is sad, Tara. We actually mourned his estrangement like you would someone passing away because it's basically like he'd dead and I feel espeically sad for my wife. But this post was on my mind all day &amp; I was inspired to send him a card so I picked one up. I'm not confidant at all it will even be read, but one can hope.

[DVC_Don]

Family feud? Gosh yes! (mostly on my side) But that's all I'm going to air here.

[kimdisneynut]

I have 3 sisiters and we still fight. Dad always said we would fight until the day we leave this earth. On the upside we donot always talk and will go years without seeing or speaking to each other but in the TIME OF NEED WE ARE THERE FOR EACH OTHER. All we have to do is get the word that one is sick, needs helps and we are all there no questions asked or fights. We are so spoiled it stinks. DH's family is great nothing to complain on that side.

Kim