Separation Anxiety in a nine year old? About This Page:

[B.M.]

My youngest son is nine years old and going into the 4th grade.

School starts tomorrow.

We are still dealing with separation anxiety. .

He's been crying on and off all evening about it and asks me to pray with him about it. He's cried a few times over the past month when thinking about it.

He seemed pretty excited after we went to open house a few days ago... So, I was hoping all would be well.... He has the teacher he hoped for (other kids had him and loved him) and his very best friend is in his class- what a great start!?!

It's not just school anxiety.... He won't go to his own class at church, he sits with me. Sure, I could make him- but it doesn't seem fair for church volunteers to deal with a crying kid (And he cries the ENTIRE time, I've tried!).

He won't sleep alone. He shares a room with his brother. On the very rare event brother isn't home at bedtime, he makes a pallet in my bedroom floor....

The list goes on and on.... He is a worry wart times ten....

I'm so sad to see him so worried about school tomorrow.... I know he will have a great day, but I'm worried he's going to go in to school crying in the morning which will make for a rough start!

There were a few days last year he had to be drug into the school. Afterwards, he was embarrassed. I'm really hoping we don't have a rough- go in the morning!

I teach at a different school and he is one of the first kids dropped off every day- I have to leave him crying or not, so that I'm not late for work...

[cattailmarsh]

Oh no...I'm so sorry he is going through that. What about having his BFF meet him outside or meeting up prior & carpooling for the first few days? Since this is going on beyond school has he talked with his fears to you or his brother or with anyone? Perhaps if he could express what is bothering him re the classes you would be able to help him better. Sending [emoji14]ixies that tomorrow goes smoothly.

[B.M.]

Originally Posted by cattailmarsh

Oh no...I'm so sorry he is going through that. What about having his BFF meet him outside or meeting up prior & carpooling for the first few days? Since this is going on beyond school has he talked with his fears to you or his brother or with anyone? Perhaps if he could express what is bothering him re the classes you would be able to help him better. Sending [emoji14]ixies that tomorrow goes smoothly.

I've actually been texting back and forth with his best friends mom in the last few minutes.... I think she will have her boys (twins) to school about the same time as us. But I'm not mentioning it to Winston in case it doesn't work out. Due to my work- I have to leave him whether she is there or not...

I've also found out her boys won't be in after school the first week which is going to make Winston even more upset... but I'm electing not to mention that to him either... He only goes to after school for less than an hour.... But he's worried about that also...

[cattailmarsh]

Originally Posted by B.M.

I've actually been texting back and forth with his best friends mom in the last few minutes.... I think she will have her boys (twins) to school about the same time as us. But I'm not mentioning it to Winston in case it doesn't work out. Due to my work- I have to leave him whether she is there or not...

I've also found out her boys won't be in after school the first week which is going to make Winston even more upset... but I'm electing not to mention that to him either... He only goes to after school for less than an hour.... But he's worried about that also...

Well maybe he could go with them a few days and stay in after school the others. At this point u would want to try anything that would help the situation go smoothly.

[Huntermom]

He sounds like a really anxious kid. Have you spoken to his pediatrician? Thought about a referral to a therapist? School counselor/psychologist?

My middle son was very young for his grade and while very bright had poor fine motor skills. He also had a first grade teacher who was not a good fit. That year was rough, with him needing some assistance and encouragement some days. By second grade, however, he had outgrown it and also had a wonderful teacher. He also made strong friendships with two boys, who were the oldest and second oldest kids in the class and almost two years older than he was.

Have you asked your son why he worries so much? It sounds like he has a good buddy in his class and does he have siblings at the school?

MY concern would be it doesn't sound like he is going to outgrow it on his own.

[B.M.]

I have spoken with the school counselor. She has actually been the one to deal with him on the really rough mornings in the past...

I've been telling myself for a while that I need to get him into counseling and I think at this point, like you said- it doesn't seem like he is going to outgrow it on his own. . I think I will go ahead and start making the phone calls/appointments this week to get that rolling....

He no longer has any siblings in the Elementary School... the second youngest has moved on to the Middle School... and the other three are now at the High School.

I've always accounted part of his anxiety to him being the baby of five. In the earlier years when he would cry in the mornings, my daughter would often carry him into the school. Obviously, that is no longer an option.

I'm very aware that it is no longer developmentally appropriate for a nine year old to have this level of anxiety...

I have asked him what he is worried about. He usually responds that he doesn't know. He is also a "clock watcher". His teachers have said he gets teary when it comes to timed tests. He worries about not getting good grades. Thankfully he does well in school and is always well liked by his teacher as he tries very hard to do his best and would die if they ever had to get onto him about anything....

Hopefully a therapist can help him deal with some of this anxiety... When I think back to my older children at this age/entering the fourth grade- I remember how independent they were with things and it's a wake up call that I need to address this further....

Thanks for the replies!

[Jakesmom1118]

My son has really bad anxiety, he's a natural worrier. He used to be a really happy kid, always happy, content and smiling. About 8 years old things changed. He's an only child at home (he has two half siblings that live with his dad). He goes to therapy with a really awesome counselor about 2 times a month. When he started a few years ago it was every week. When he's doing really well we can go once a month. I suggest therapy and stay out of the room! We tried going together but once I stayed out for good (except for the highlights at the end) he has improved dramatically. We love his counselor, who is female, and he usually likes going. He hasn't cried in school except a few rare instances the last year. 5th grade was super rough for DS but he's improved and I attribute that to therapy. Sometimes kids just need a little extra help managing their emotions and someone who is taught how to teach this is what they need.

[B.M.]

Originally Posted by Jakesmom1118

My son has really bad anxiety, he's a natural worrier. He used to be a really happy kid, always happy, content and smiling. About 8 years old things changed. He's an only child at home (he has two half siblings that live with his dad). He goes to therapy with a really awesome counselor about 2 times a month. When he started a few years ago it was every week. When he's doing really well we can go once a month. I suggest therapy and stay out of the room! We tried going together but once I stayed out for good (except for the highlights at the end) he has improved dramatically. We love his counselor, who is female, and he usually likes going. He hasn't cried in school except a few rare instances the last year. 5th grade was super rough for DS but he's improved and I attribute that to therapy. Sometimes kids just need a little extra help managing their emotions and someone who is taught how to teach this is what they need.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am going to get the ball rolling today/this week and get an appointment scheduled with a therapist...

[Huntermom]

Your son sounds like a perfectionist and someone who very much wants to do what's right. That is inconsistent with his not wanting to go off to school (or separate from you). I am not a therapist, but do divorce law and wonder if his father's absence (from your posts he doesn't seem too involved) may be making him worried about you and who would take care of him if something happened to you. He also sound bright so he may do well to meet with a good children's therapist.

Can you give him something to connect with you? I have seen kids hold one to something of the parent's.

Many thoughts and prayers for tomorrow. I know how hard it must be for you to go off and leave him and then need to focus on your own work.

I got very ill three years ago and developed anxiety. I entered therapy and it has been a godsend. Not only is coping with medical issues easier but most others areas of my life.

[B.M.]

Originally Posted by Huntermom

Your son sounds like a perfectionist and someone who very much wants to do what's right. That is inconsistent with his not wanting to go off to school (or separate from you). I am not a therapist, but do divorce law and wonder if his father's absence (from your posts he doesn't seem too involved) may be making him worried about you and who would take care of him if something happened to you. He also sound bright so he may do well to meet with a good children's therapist.

Can you give him something to connect with you? I have seen kids hold one to something of the parent's.

Many thoughts and prayers for tomorrow. I know how hard it must be for you to go off and leave him and then need to focus on your own work.

I got very ill three years ago and developed anxiety. I entered therapy and it has been a godsend. Not only is coping with medical issues easier but most others areas of my life.

He is a perfectionist! Very much so... I know it's odd, but even though he gets anxious about going to school- he gets equally anxious about missing school. He has actually only missed one day of school ever- that was in the second grade and he was very worried about being absent (stomach virus). He has never been tardy and gets very anxious if he feels we are running the least bit late. So, even though he cries and gets anxious about school- he doesn't truly want to miss it... Just so odd...

You are correct about dad. My ex-husband moved out of state when Winston was still a baby. But actually moved back (1/2 a mile from me) just last year which has been a great blessing for the kids to build that relationship. They went from seeing him one or two times per year to seeing him almost weekly.

I considered giving him something of mine or a picture or something to take to school... I've been back and forth with it... I truly feel like he will be 100% fine once school gets rolling.... and I don't know if a "token from home" will just remind him of missing me/being anxious.... It's hard to know what would be best...

I am definitely going to get the ball rolling with therapy today/this week... I think it will be good for him...




Thanks for the advice, encouragement, and replies- everyone.

He is doing better this morning. I can tell he's trying really hard to hold it together. I'm hoping he can maintain himself till he gets inside the school. I wish I didn't have to go to work so early because I think he would do better getting dropped off right when school starts. Having extra time in the mornings causes him to think of things to worry about.

[wheezie]

Oh, I hope it all goes well for him today!!! Lots of prayers and pixies for him.

He sounds a lot like my 10 yr. old days. My son is super sensitive and has recently become very needy/clingy. I believe therapy is in his future as well. (I'm calling his ped this morning in fact! )

Good luck!

[Huntermom]

As someone in therapy, I want to add, therapy attendance should never be viewed as a failure or a negative. When problems arise, it is much better to get help in addressing them than ignoring them. I do custody investigations as part of my practice. I tell people every day this.

Anxiety is a physiological process. It can be addressed without medication and by talking and learning techniques. I suspect Winston's busy brain does the "what ifs" all the time. I've been there. While it can be helpful at time (I think I am a good trial lawyer because I "what if" over and over before a trial. What doesn't help is when you get stuck and cannot get out and the what's become more dire that realistic options.

I did mindfulness training. It was very helpful and there are lots of books for kids.

Brandi, I hope Winston got off to school without too much of a problem.

[JoanneS]

I'm sort of like your son. I always worry about the worst; I'm afraid I'll get lost, do the wrong thing and embarrass myself, wear the wrong thing, etc... I find that if I try to think about something else (usually Disney planning), I calm down.

Maybe if you can find him something else to think about, or some song to sing to himself when he's feeling anxious, things will feel better for him. You say he prays, maybe a prayer might do the trick. For me, the trick is to get your mind on something pleasant and not dwell on what might happen. When I was a kid, I would repeat the same prayer over and over and try to feel God's presence with me, and that would calm me down. Not trying to get too religious here.

Poor little guy. Believe me, he doesn't want to be this way. I hope you can find something that works for him. Anxiety is an awful thing.

[B.M.]

Originally Posted by JoanneS

I'm sort of like your son. I always worry about the worst; I'm afraid I'll get lost, do the wrong thing and embarrass myself, wear the wrong thing, etc... I find that if I try to think about something else (usually Disney planning), I calm down.

Maybe if you can find him something else to think about, or some song to sing to himself when he's feeling anxious, things will feel better for him. You say he prays, maybe a prayer might do the trick. For me, the trick is to get your mind on something pleasant and not dwell on what might happen. When I was a kid, I would repeat the same prayer over and over and try to feel God's presence with me, and that would calm me down. Not trying to get too religious here.

Poor little guy. Believe me, he doesn't want to be this way. I hope you can find something that works for him. Anxiety is an awful thing.

Praying really does help him. He asks me to pray with him about it often and I always remind him that he can pray himself in his mind if he starts feeling anxious at school/ that God is always with him even if I'm not... When he got up this morning and was feeling a little better about it, he said "God healed me" which I loved!

[Cam22]

Sending Winston loads of anxiety freeing