Sad neighbor story (and kind of long) About This Page:

[JoanneS]

We live in a rural area. Our closest neighbors live across the street, but we don't really socialize with them. We don't really have much in common. They were bikers, with lots of motorcycles coming and going, they were a little rough around the edges, loud, and we suspected there was some drug use going on over there. But, we figured live and let live, and once they saw that we didn't care what they did on their side of the street, they were pleasant to us and gave a friendly wave whenever we saw them. Nineteen years later, they are older and quieter. Last fall, the woman told us that her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was starting to forget things. We didn't see much of them over the winter, and with all of the snow and cold, I didn't really think about them much at all.

But now that the snow has melted and it's gotten a little warmer, the guy is out in his yard again just wandering around. He's come over to our house several times, and he's really not "there" anymore. It's so sad. He's knocked at our door at 10:30 at night, invited himself in, and ate things on our kitchen table. He's come over while the kids were there alone (DD21 and DD16) and asked the kids for matches. He just walks in the front door before you can open it for him. Because the dogs know him he has no problem coming in and wandering around the house. We've lived in the house almost 20 years without locking the doors. The town is small and quaint, with little crime, and my house hardly looks like a mansion with very little of worth inside. Plus, we have dogs that are protective, so there was never a need. But, now, we've started locking the doors to avoid coming home to a surprise guest.

The one door we leave open is the door to our basement. The lock is old and we can't find the key. There isn't much in the basement except for the trash (keeps the bears away), the lawn care items, our grill, and old toys. Yesterday, when I got home form work, the neighbor was in our basement crying. He said he was looking for his cat (the one that died 2 years ago) and he got lost in our basement and couldn't find the way out. My heart just broke for him. I called his wife, who is also quite old now, and returned him. She thought he was just out in the yard and didn't realize he was missing.

DH has found him hitchhiking on the main street and picked him up and brought him home. (He was asking for a ride to the Veteran's club that no longer exists) I've found him with a chain saw cutting down small trees at the edge of lawn. If we don't lock our cars, we'll find him sitting in the car waiting for a ride somewhere. I'm afraid something bad will happen to him.

What can I do? What should I do? I'm just so depressed seeing him like this, and worried about him wandering around unsupervised.

Any advice?

I don't know what to do about this situation. I feel terrible for them. He used to be so loud and lively, a real character. But that man I knew is gone. His wife has more than she can handle obviously. I've tried reaching out to her and asking if there's something we can do for her. She thanked us, but didn't really want to say much.

[HiddenMickey]

He is not being cared for properly by his wife if he's doing all that wandering and definitely needs to be somewhere safe.

You may want to contact the NH Dept of Health and Human Services and tell them about your neighbor. About Adult Protection | Elderly and Adult Services | NH Department of Health and Human Services

This is probably a good read and might be something you want to share with the wife.
http://www.nh.gov/servicelink/documents/familycareguide_2011.pdf

[GingerJ]

That's so sad to see happening.

[Teresa]

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

He is not being cared for properly by his wife if he's doing all that wandering and definitely needs to be somewhere safe.

You may want to contact the NH Dept of Health and Human Services and tell them about your neighbor. About Adult Protection | Elderly and Adult Services | NH Department of Health and Human Services

This is probably a good read and might be something you want to share with the wife.
http://www.nh.gov/servicelink/documents/familycareguide_2011.pdf

I agree 100%. The wife sounds like she's in denial about how bad it's gotten. Either that or she is just exhausted and doesn't notice/care. I see patients all of the time who have dementia/Alzheimer's and it's sad to see them so bad off and the family doesn't or can't acknowledge it. Can't tell you how many times I hear a family member say "But, she's never like that" or "He never does stuff like that" just to have another family member or friend say "Yes, yes, it happens all of the time." Most people with dementia/Alzheimer's "sundown", meaning they get worse in the evening/night. If he's this confused and lost in the day time, it is probably pretty bad later in the day.
Adult services will be able to help, giving the wife support systems, respite care (the DH goes to a facility or someone comes to stay with him for a short time so the wife can get a break), and most importantly, monitor how things are going and whether it is in the best interest of the man to be in a facility with 24 hour care.
The fact that he is that confused and using chain saws worries me, let alone the wandering and the hitchhiking.

[Pax]

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

He is not being cared for properly by his wife if he's doing all that wandering and definitely needs to be somewhere safe.

Exactly this.

Also, as his condition progresses, he can change into a very different person. My uncle had alzheimers, in the last years of his life. And at first, it was just sad, to see him having lost so much of himself.

But then he started to get deeply paranoid. And behafe in very unsafe ways (he'd get urges to drink some of the strangest, and often unhealthiest, things ... by the gallon, if he could get his hands on it). He was living with his son and daughter-in-law while this all happened, and they tried their =very best ... but they couldn't be around him 24/7, they had to work, and tend the house, and so on.

Finally, one night, he got physically violent with his (adult) granddaughter. And my cousin (his son) finally had no choice but to put him into a nursing home.

...

Now obviously, everyone's different and I don't know your neighbors, but ... there's a lot of room for someone, probably him but maybe someone else too, to wind up getting seriously hurt.

[Huntermom]

HIdden Mickey beat me to it. I don't lock doors either but I also would have a heart attack if I came home to a neighbor in my kitchen.

Our elderly neighbor's boyfriend (lovely story of our elderly neighbor finding a new guy in her 70's) developed Alzheimer's and began to wander. He made it over to the next town on a couple of occasions before being placed in a facility with an Alzheimers wing. It was a 10 mile walk, in the dark on unlit roads-not a bit safe.

The wife may not know where to turn. Give Elder Services a call. There are programs in your area for him. Monadnock Hospital actually has an excellent geriatric psych unit.

[revral]

How sad. I agree with the advice you've been given.

[jenifermg0]

Joanne,
You have been given some very good advice.

Hopefully if the Elder Services department in your area gets involved, the wife will be open to help. She may not want to admit that she needs help or that the man she loves is slipping away(or has already).

Losing a person you love when they die is hard, but at least you have some kind of closure...losing a person to Alzheimer's is devastating. Physically they are still there and occasionally they may still be there mentally, but those times become more and more rare. This makes it difficult to mourn their loss, because you have lost them.

We will all be thinking of you and your neighbors and hoping that something positive can happen to ensure his safety as well as the safety and well-being of everyone involved.

[Teresa]

Originally Posted by jenifermg0

She may not want to admit that she needs help or that the man she loves is slipping away(or has already).

Losing a person you love when they die is hard, but at least you have some kind of closure...losing a person to Alzheimer's is devastating. Physically they are still there and occasionally they may still be there mentally, but those times become more and more rare. This makes it difficult to mourn their loss, because you have lost them.

Yes! Both of my grandmothers had dementia/Alzheimer's and it was hard to witness. One of them, I was much closer to (physically and emotionally), and it was even tougher.

I told my kids repeatedly "That's not my grandma. My grandma's gone and this woman got left in her place." We mourned when grandma became someone else, and then again when she died.

Joanne - if the wife isn't open to calling Elder services or something like that, you may need to call them yourself. From what you're saying, this man is NOT safe. I don't know about where you live, but around here, someone walking into a home without knocking and being invited can get a person shot. You know he's harmless, but if he's walking miles away from home, not everyone will. Not to mention the danger of walking on streets with no sidewalks and not really being all there.

[revral]

Originally Posted by Teresa

Yes! Both of my grandmothers had dementia/Alzheimer's and it was hard to witness. One of them, I was much closer to (physically and emotionally), and it was even tougher.

I told my kids repeatedly "That's not my grandma. My grandma's gone and this woman got left in her place." We mourned when grandma became someone else, and then again when she died.

Joanne - if the wife isn't open to calling Elder services or something like that, you may need to call them yourself. From what you're saying, this man is NOT safe. I don't know about where you live, but around here, someone walking into a home without knocking and being invited can get a person shot. You know he's harmless, but if he's walking miles away from home, not everyone will. Not to mention the danger of walking on streets with no sidewalks and not really being all there.

I'll just add that as of your last interaction with him, he was harmless. Next time he may not be harmless & you wont know until you, your husband or kids experience it. I agree it's hard to watch even if you're just watching the spouse deal with it. I watched a friend (now a former friend) of 13 years care for his wife who had Huntington's Chorea & it was heart breaking. If you don't know what Huntington's Chorea is just imagine having Alzeimer's & Parkinson's at the same time & you've got a good idea of what Huntington's Chorea is like. I agree that you may need to call the appropriate authority yourself. Thank you for caring enough to get involved & at least try to help, it's more than what many people would do.

[Pax]

Originally Posted by Teresa

I don't know about where you live, but around here, someone walking into a home without knocking and being invited can get a person shot. You know he's harmless, but if he's walking miles away from home, not everyone will.

Or a sitter, or family from out of state, or ... lots and lots of ways that someone who DOESN'T know him, might panic and do harm.

Or heck,if he goes far enough away, someone's large dog that doesn't know him.

[JoanneS]

Thank you, everyone!

Hidden Mickey: Thank you for the links and the direction.

As of right now my plan is as follows:

Bake a small casserole and bring it over to the neighbor as a peace offering and then try to get her to take the information I can find about nearby help. Then I'll ask for her cell phone # so I can get in touch with her if we see him wandering somewhere he shouldn't be. I have her land line number, but I want to make sure there's a way to get to HER first.

I'm afraid to reach out for help myself because I don't know how they would feel about it. I want to be respectful of their feelings and I don't want to cause trouble for them.

Thank you all for your support.

[Cam22]

Your plan sounds like a good one.

[Huntermom]

JOanne,

Ask your neighbor if you can make a call to adult services for her. Depending on her age and how long she has been married, this may be too hard for her to do. I am thinking right now how dangerous things could be. I don't know how far you are from one of the main roads, but 101 and 202 may look nice and scenic but they are very dangerous for anyone walking, I cringe when I see teens on them. It is also still cold at night and being lost in the woods could result in death.

Alzheimer's is a hard disease. A very few people can be a caretaker for a victim of it.

Good luck and maybe let your neighbor know you will call the PD if you see him wandering.

[HiddenMickey]

You are being very thoughtful in how you plan to go about talking the the wife. I hope she is receptive to your help and concern.