Would you let your DD15 go? About This Page:

[Angela531]

I am having very mixed emotions and need some advice. My DD15 has been invited along for her best friends family vacation this summer. It would be for a week and they would be driving to a summer boat house in Kentucky...we live north of Chicago, so this would be quite a distance from our home. This is part of the hesitation, the distance and I still feel that 15 is a little young to go out of state like this. The other area of concern is that it would not just be her best friend's family. They will be vacationing with another family that I do not know much about and have never met. All I do know is that it is my understanding that it is this other family's vacation home, and that they have a DS16 and DD18 and that they have been good friends with DD's best friend's family for quite some time as both families are originally from Canada. DD and BFF have been friends for a few years but they have really only became best friends over this last school year so even with her family I am not as familiar as I have been in the past with some of DD"s other friend's families. Am I being overprotective? Would you let your DD vacation alone with another family out of state? I think I would feel a little better if she were a year or two older or if it were closer to home...in Wisconsin or something where it would be easier to get to her if needed. Am I just having a hard time letting go or is this still not a wise parenting choice to let her go in this scenario? I really need help...I have to call BFF's mom back within the next day or so.

[JoanneS]

If I were in this situation, I think I would need more info about the friend's family and the other family. Are the other two teens boys or girls? But, if your gut is telling you no, then listen. A mother's intuition is a powerful force; don't ignore it. Get more info and if after getting the info you want, you feel better about it, then let her go. If you still have misgivings, talk to your daughter and explain that you don't feel good about this trip. You know your child best.

Here's a personal story for you from my experience that colors my feelings on the subject. I may have mentioned it before, so if I have, please forgive me. When my DD was 14, her friend asked her over to enjoy the new snowmobiles that she and her brother got for Christmas. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing and said no. They were going to see each other that night at a roller skating party so I used that as an excuse. All I had was a bad feeling and my DD was very annoyed with me. When she showed up at the skating party, all her friends were crying. Her friend and her brother got into a big accident on the snowmobile and the friend was killed and the brother was badly injured. DD was shaken up by the turn of events and never again questioned my "bad feelings." It may have been just dumb luck or maybe just a coincidence, but neither one of us will ever forget it.

[krisk11]

I think as long as you have met the bff's family and are comfortable that they will keep an eye on the girls and not let them do inappropriate things it should be fine. You know your dd best and know if she is mature enough to handle the trip and behave in an appropriate manner.
At 15 my dd went out to Rochester NY and at 16 & 17 flew to Minnesota for hockey camp with the National Developmental program. My dd has always been very mature and not easily pursuaded to act inappropriately so I didn't have a problem sending her anywhere she needed to go.

[MickeyWatch]

I also think that if you are pretty familiar with your immediate host family (DD's friend) and comfortable with their parenting styles, the trip should be OK.
It will be interesting to see some of the other comments to this Post, since we are thinking of taking 2 of DD's friends with us for a weekend at Disney or a 3 day Disney Cruise for her 16th B-Day in 2 years.

[Fortissimo]

I started traveling out of state with my swim team when I was 12 for meets. While my parents were often chaperones, there were plenty of meets that they couldn't go. I do have to admit that I was a mommy's girl and it was hard for me to go without her. However, this experience taught me how to manage my money as I was the one responsible for paying for my meals, swim meet swag, and anything else that needed to be paid for. It allowed me to spread my wings so to speak and I think it made my transition to college easier.

I say if you are comfortable with her BFF's parents I would let her go. My sister says it's always harder on her than my niece when my niece traveled for dance competitions.

[GingerJ]

My older son rode an airplane alone for the first time when he was 14, and went away to college, 3 hours away, at age 16 years, 5 months (accelerated two grades in school). Now at age 19, he's at an internship in California. I've also driven bunches of friends' sons across several states for vacation visits (several to NC, once to WDW); they were all between 13 and maybe 16 at the time, and both sons have camped without us with the Boy Scouts many times. DS14 is about to go to New Mexico with several adults and troop members for a week of back-country backpacking (Philmont, in case you know what that is).

My point is that teenagers travel without their parents all the time; if you know the parents well and can trust them (and their driving habits!), all should be well. Since you didn't say otherwise, I assume your DD is a mature, trustworthy sort, and that does make a difference. I would find out as much as possible about the other family....maybe even Google them, just to be sure....and tell the parents you do know that you're a little nervous and relying on them to take care of your daughter as well as they do their own.

Good luck...this is a nice, safe adventure, and they'll have lots of fun!

Ginger

[GingerJ]

Forgot to add: I always asked the parents to give me a copy of their son's insurance card, along with a signed note giving me permission to seek medical treatment if necessary. Haven't had to use it, thank goodness, but I think that helped give everyone a bit more peace of mind, so you might consider doing the same.

[Pris]

I also agree that you know your own daughter best. If you are comfortable with BFF's family and think your daughter is mature enough, then let her go. Fifteen is plenty old enough to be able to spread her wings a bit and function away from family.

[joelsmom]

Well, I think there are several considerations here. First, I could not send my child away on a trip like that unless I was acquainted with all of the adults. Call me overprotective...fine...but I just don't know how I would under any circumstances live with myself letting my child vacation with people who were strangers to me. She might be mature and responsible, but she's still 15. Another consideration, previously mentioned, is the other teens besides the BFF. Are they boys or girls? What kind of kids are they? Is she acquainted with them, or will there be an opportunity to get acquainted before the trip? With all due respect to other posters, most of the away from home trips most kids take are with school or church groups, and there are lots of chaperones and structured time. The distance plus the amount of time would concern me, too. My son went to a camp away from me when he was 10 and again at 12, but it was for a long weekend and it was only an hour from home, and they were both chaperoned group trips. Still, I worried the whole time, partly because he is on the autism spectrum, but partly just because he's my kid. I never told him I was worried, because I wanted him to enjoy his time, but I did worry.

If you know your daughter's BFF's family well and are comfortable with them, I'd say talk to them about your concerns. If it would ease your mind, ask to get together with the other family, too. Caution is not a bad thing. If your DD truly wants to go on the trip, do whatever you feel is your due diligence.

[HiddenMickey]

I would let my DD go. It sounds like a lot of fun. I'm sure your DD has a phone and can keep in touch with you at all times.

Once my kids got to HS, I really wasn't all that familiar with many of heir friend's parents (other than those I knew all along through the years). I had to start letting my kids do things with kids I didn't know well and might not even know their parents.

Does the family that owns the house live near you? Could you ask to meet with them before making your decision? You can get a feeling for them and ask about the housing arrangements and whether you need to contribute anything.

[Teresa]

I'd probably let her go, with the caveat that I need to meet the other family. Have a dinner out or just a meeting at a park or something. You might not be able to meet the kids, but at least you can meet the parents of the other family.
I'd also want to know: what are the sleeping arrangements? Since one of the other kids is a teen boy, I'd want to be assured that it's not just a large dorm room where all the kids would sleep.
Then I'd let her go.
Make sure to give your DD's friend's parents written permission to take her out of state and to obtain medical care until you can be contacted. It's just a precaution that we always do when our kids are with other people, and no-one has ever needed it.

[jenifermg0]

I can understand your concerns. As others have posted: see if you can meet the other family, by phone if that's the only way possible. Talk to both sets of parents. Let them know your concerns and get as much information about the trip and all the travelers as possible. If you still feel uncomfortable, talk to your DD and explain your worries, maybe you can work out something that make you both happy.

My DS has been going away from home since the summer after 1st grade. He was the youngest kiddo in his Cub Scout pack at camp for a week....I wasn't there. He did great.

He did summer camp every year up until last year. While it wasn't far away, I tried not to interfer unless I was one of the chaperones (did that a couple of times).

When he was 13, he went with a mixed troop of boy scouts (boys from troops from all over the state) to National Jamboree...in Washington DC - at Fort AP Hill (remember we live in Alaska).

Since then he has traveled with another family to Florida (to WDW - the lucky duck) and taken yet another jaunt to Washington DC/West Virginia for another National Jamboree. And this summer he will be headed off to Hawaii with the same family he went to Florida with.

Now, I will admit...we know the family. The dad was DS's Cubmaster and then Scoutmaster for several years and the mom is a local school principal. So, I have a definate advantage, knowing them as I do.

We do have to let our children spread their wings as someone else mention. Just make sure your DD has a safety net and remember, no matter what - you are going to worry....you wouldn't be a good mom if you didn't.

[Belle320]

My concern would not be with her age or the distance of the trip. To me, the unknown about the other family would keep me from allow my child from going. I would only allow trips with people we knew and if we knew everyone who would be staying in the home. Also, if the other girl has been friends with the other family for some time, your DD may feel left out of some things. Go with your gut. Yes, your DD may not be happy with you but she will get over it.

[Huntermom]

Two questions:

Does you DD want to go? How much do you trust her?

If she feels comfortable going and you trust her, there is no reason she should not go.

My kids traveled cross country for camps and with school groups when they were in high school. ( I am overprotective). My kids were trust worthy and did not need supervision to behave themselves. We took a friend to WDW for my DD's 15th birthday.

In a few short years your DD will be off to college. She will chose her own friends and possibly travel farther than this trip. You will be out of the loop. This is good practice for her.

If you question the appropriateness of the group, invite everyone over for a picnic and check them out. If you question your DD's ability to function on succh a trip and she wants to go, set up some challenges for her between now and then and let her learn to earn the trip.

[Angela531]

Thank you all for your input it has really helped me think things through. I'm preparing myself for these conversations with both my daughter and this family.

First, trust is at times an issue with DD, and one that has been ongoing. For the most part she is a good kid but she does not always make the best choices, nothing too terrible but an example would be she often tells us her homework is completed when in fact it is not, I only find out when it shows up as a missing assignment and then we have issues about the getting it in for half credit and over the fact she lied to us about having it done. Her other area we have had issues with is boys. She will ask to go to the mall with friends and then we will find out that they are meeting up with some boys there when they said it was just shopping with the girls. I know, age appropriate...but it is still an ongoing thing for us that makes us have concerns about her trustworthiness and her making good choices and whether or not we can even trust the honesty of what comes out of her mouth at times.

If it was a school function or church, ect I would not even hesitate in sending her because in those situations it is very structured and the chaperones are really watching out for the well being of the kids. Not that I'm saying these parents would not be but they are on their own vacation too and I know that they may leave the teens unattended while the adults go out to dinner or they may let the teens go off for some fun on their own as there would be 3 of them with driver's licenses. This unknown family is like a second family to the BFF, so I trust that they are not a bunch of crazies but the group of teens are my DD15, her BFF14, BFF's brother 16, unknown family's son 16 and daughter 18. Although BFF thinks of them as family it does not mean that interests may not ignite between DD and one of the two 16 year olds, or that the older teens may get alcohol and encourage the younger two.

I know it is all what if's, and that she will be going away in a few more years, but 3 years can have a huge impact on maturity, something DD has always been on the slower side of. She does really want to go and I don't blame her, I would want to as well if I was in her shoes. Unfortunately, I have to keep her safe.