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Trying to be as short as possible:
My older DD, Samantha, is a quadriplegic as is her DH.
My DH's family has ALL (and I mean ALL) of their family parties at his brother's house. It is a nice house, with a pool and a large walk-out basement. We don't even go upstairs for anything - kitchen, bathrooms, bedroom, TV, pool table, etc. all in basement.
In the past, when she was younger (and not married), we would carry Samantha and her manual (fold up) wheelchair down the stairs for these parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Now, we also have her DH, who is a large man and needs some special adaptations to his wheelchair that can't be accommodated in a manual chair. No carrying him down.
They've come to BiL's house a few times, but if it's raining, snowing, has rained recently, or is icy out - it's tough. Their wheelchairs get muddy going through the grass around to the basement. There was one time I spent over an hour outside with them, hosing off their wheels and then drying them because they got so muddy (it was in November, so it was COLD!!).
The last couple of years, they've asked people to celebrate at their house. They also have a large home with a walk-out basement and multiple kitchens. They do not have a pool, but in the fall/winter this is not really needed in Indiana.
Every single time it's suggested, everyone in the family will agree this sounds like a good idea, but will eventually back out. This is usually lead (always, but I'm trying to be nice) by DH's oldest sister. There are claims that DD has cats and people are allergic to them. Well, when BiL had cats, everyone just took allergy meds or just coped. It's too long a drive was another excuse - well, you all didn't have any problem having me drive over an hour when I was 9 months pregnant. Last Christmas the argument was that one of the nieces (the older sister's daughter) was pregnant (like 4 months) and she shouldn't have to drive that far. Her mother also claims she's allergic to cats and we shouldn't ask her to take allergy meds - even though she goes to Samantha's house a lot with no problem with the cats.
This makes it so DD can't celebrate the holidays with DH's family. They're not her 'birth' family, but DH did adopt her, and they've always claimed to love her. This all makes her feel very unloved and un-cared for. It makes me angry.
I want to nip this in the bud this year. I think a nicely worded letter, explaining that Samantha feels unloved and unwanted by the family, and that this makes DH and I very sad would be good. I don't want to say We won't be ever celebrating a holiday with them anymore, but I do. We're open to suggestions. last year we even offered to rent a hotel suite or a clubhouse type facility so we could all celebrate together. We were shot down. Nope, SiL wanted to have it at BiL's house (her brother, not her house) and that was that. All the others follow her, even DH's father.
So - any ideas? I'm tired of all my kids missing out on seeing their cousins for the holidays. I'm tired of my DH being sad he has to choose between his siblings and his kids (he always picks his kids, but it's hard).
How old is Samantha? If she's married, I would hope she is over 18. If she is concerned, she needs to let people know. I know she is disabled, but unless it effects her mental abilities, you should let her handle it. It may be a very different matter coming from her, not you.
Maybe she can write to everyone and offer to host a party. She doesn't need their permission to have a party and she can ask others outside of the family, too. Maybe you have two celebrations on different days and people can choose to go to one, both or none.
Also, I would forget about what happened when you were pregnant who visits whom when and where.
I know it is hard, but your DD may not be half as upset as you are if she doesn't want to say/do anything, If she doesn't want to address the issue herself, that's okay, too.
__________________
Charlie
Last edited by Huntermom; 05-20-2013 at 07:30 PM..
Reason: spelling
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I remember you talking about this previously. I'm sorry it's still a problem. I agree that if DD wants to host, she should send out an invitation for the next occasion...well in advance. Could it be that for everyone else, the known is better than the unknown? Changing things up can be hard for some people. And as bad as it may be, maybe they dont think the two of them can handle a large gathering. If she can just get them there once, show everyone a good time, maybe they will be open to doing it that way again. Good luck!
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I'm sorry you have to experience such indifference from family members.
I too think the letter would be best to come from your DD. As an parent you want to protect her, I understand that but Samantha is an adult and should invite everyone personally (maybe go so far as written invitations) and let them know she can handle the number of guests and if needed "xyz" are also on hand to lend assistance. I guess some people wrongly assume that Samantha and her DH are willing but not capable of hosting a gathering of larger size. So maybe including a handwritten note with the invite saying how much she enjoys family get togethers but moving around is much easier in her own home and she would be delighted to show others her hospitality! I also think that once the family sees how your DD copes with guests that they will be more willing to attend more often (maybe alternate one year at Samantha's and one year at BiL's).
Best wishes that a suitable compromise is reached without any hurt feelings.
I think letting Samantha make the invitation is a great idea. But I also think that I would call the SIL myself and just be straight up with her and tell her that it is her lead that others are following and that it is damaging the relationship that your family is having with the rest of the family. Tell her that you want EVERYONE to come and asking everyone to come at least this time would mean a lot to Samantha. Then if she shoots it down you'll know where you stand. Good luck. Family stinks sometimes.
I think letting Samantha make the invitation is a great idea. But I also think that I would call the SIL myself and just be straight up with her and tell her that it is her lead that others are following and that it is damaging the relationship that your family is having with the rest of the family. Tell her that you want EVERYONE to come and asking everyone to come at least this time would mean a lot to Samantha. Then if she shoots it down you'll know where you stand. Good luck. Family stinks sometimes.
IMHO this should be resolved between your DD, DH and his family. I agree that
your DH shouldn't have to choose but since this seems to be an ongoing issue I
think that might be a choice he needs to make. Telling his family that if the party
can't be somewhere DD and her DH can go then just count ya'll out would be hard
to do but justified.
Telling his family that if the party
can't be somewhere DD and her DH can go then just count ya'll out would be hard
to do but justified.
Good luck!
That's the problem - we all live here in the Indianapolis, Indiana area and we didn't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together last year because of this issue.
DH has already told his family he will always choose his kids, and everyone in the family says they're on board, until the older sister gets into the mix.
That's the problem - we all live here in the Indianapolis, Indiana area and we didn't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together last year because of this issue.
DH has already told his family he will always choose his kids, and everyone in the family says they're on board, until the older sister gets into the mix.
Thanks everyone for your opinion.
I just don't understand the attitudes of people like this SIL of yours. Why in the world would someone NOT want to do what is most accommodating for disabled family members? Unless somebody's cat allergy is going to result in anaphylaxis or something similar, I can't see any good reason for not doing what is necessary to accommodate those who need it. Can someone politely but firmly tell this woman that, if this were her child, she would want her to be included in holidays, etc? How would she feel if her children were treated this way?
Sorry, I'm on my soapbox. In the immortal words of Dr.Suess, "A person's a person, no matter how small."
That's the problem - we all live here in the Indianapolis, Indiana area and we didn't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together last year because of this issue.
DH has already told his family he will always choose his kids, and everyone in the family says they're on board, until the older sister gets into the mix.
Thanks everyone for your opinion.
Then I guess he continues to spend time with you and your family. While that
stinks it may be the only way they finally get it.
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I would let the mud get tracked all over the floors and see if that changes anything. "I'm so sorry for the mess on the rugs, maybe next time we should have this at my house."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoanneS
I would let the mud get tracked all over the floors and see if that changes anything. "I'm so sorry for the mess on the rugs, maybe next time we should have this at my house."
I would let the mud get tracked all over the floors and see if that changes anything. "I'm so sorry for the mess on the rugs, maybe next time we should have this at my house."
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