I feel like the worst step-mom ever (LONG rant) - PassPorter - A Community of Walt Disney World, Disneyland, Disney Cruise Line, and General Travel Forums
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A little background: When I married DH almost 23 years ago, he had 2 kids (D - now 35, S - now 28). The kids have been nightmares as they got older. I tried to love them, as my step-mama loves me (she's the best!). Since they became adults, they've burned us repeatedly:
D - worked as a "dancer" and apparently as an "escort" - we had to bail her out of jail multiple times, and helped pay her legal bills and pay for her probation monitoring - all to the tune of about $20,000 over a 10 year period. She's never really had a "regular" job, and is forever in financial straits. I'm sure her Dad sends her more money than he lets on.
S - He's always stolen from us, every single time he's been in our home, since he was about 12. we set he and his wife (and their 2 little kids) up in a rental house we had just completely renovated. When they didn't pay rent after 6 months (we agreed they wouldn't for 3 months before that so they could get on their feet) - we evicted them, we "sold" them my favorite car, on time - and they never made a payment - we took it back. The house was trashed (dirty pictures painted on the walls, food ground into the brand-new carpets, all the furniture and appliances gone, doors broken, holes in the walls, "doobies" left on the floor, etc.) and the car was too (dirty, cigarette burns, "doobie" in the ashtray). To fix the house up, we had to spend over $12,000, plus the car had another $6,000 of repair. The whole time they were here, we supported them - we kept getting friends who owned businesses to give S a job. He kept not showing up, etc. We know he's been dealing in "weed", and just heard from others this past week he's upped the ante and moved on to bigger things. They've "borrowed" money so much, we just write them a letter at Christmas, telling them their debt is forgiven. But, then we have to give the sister 1/2 of the difference between what she borrowed and what he borrowed (he has 4 people he's supporting - she only has her and her bf).
So, the step-son has the 2 kids. I call them the Half-Wild, Half-Indians (his wife is part of the Cherokee nation - and before anyone gets upset - I am 1/4 Indian - and actually more Indian than step-son's wife). Anyway - the kids: we last had them over the summer 2 years ago. They were 6&7 years old. They didn't know what toilet paper was. They had never sat at a table to eat, except at school. They thought the way to get what they wanted was to demand it, cuss at me, and then hit. They didn't like to bathe - because they said they never really did (I could believe it too, they turned the bath water black over and over and over the first day). They weren't nice to our animals. They just weren't very civilized.
DH wants to get them this summer. To say DDs and I are thrilled would be a VAST overstatement. We finally (reluctantly) agreed because we all love DH, and then we made arrangements to meet Step-son half-way between our homes in Rolla, Mo. On SATURDAY. We also agreed we'd PAY them to get their kids - we're paying their gas to and from ROLLA, feeding them, and giving them a little money.
That's the background - here's what's happening: S just called. They decided to leave a little early, because there might be fun and interesting things to see and do in between Vian, OK, and Rolla. Okay - there are. BUT - they're already in ROLLA. It's WEDNESDAY. Now, they're offering to bring the kids on through. That I don't mind, since I really am not looking forward to a 6 hour drive after a 12 hour shift!
Problem is: I KNOW they're going to expect us to let them stay here. At the least, they'll expect to be put up. They'll definitely expect us to feed them. They will probably expect us to pay for a hotel if they stop tonight. NO-ONE in the family wants them in their home. No-One. DH and my entire families (except his kids) live within 40 miles of us. Not one of them will put him and his wife up.
I just feel so bad telling DH his son isn't staying at my house. He says he feels the same way, but I still feel bad. I hate that I just can't love the son, but he's not lovable.
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Wow. What a story. I don't blame you for feeling as you do; I feel sorry for those children.
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First trip DW--Nov. 1975; Senior Class Trip DW--Oct. 1979; First trip w/kids--Oct. 1995; Halloween at DW--Oct. 2002; Spring Break at DW--April 2004; Christmas/Pop Warner Nationals-POR--Dec. 2005;Cruisin'--April 2008; Mom/Son trip-POP--March 2010;Taggin' along w/DD on DH's conference-BWI--Oct. 2011; 50th birthday with the Gartner Geeks--Adults only!--BWI--Oct. 2012; The Trip That Almost Wasn't--BWI--Oct. 2013; We climbed The Summit (National Cheer Competition)--ASMovies--May 2014
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Teresa, you are GRACIOUSLY offering to host his children so you are a good step-mom. HE is not a good step-son. You have to keep your own family safe and secure. Your DH agrees so you guys can stand united. I might suggest that maybe some of his old friends might want to have them. (ha ha). Good luck.
Wow! If you do the hotel stay, pay in cash, as your credit card would be charged if there are damages, hotel charges, etc.
Great idea! Thanks.
Here's an update: They ARE bringing the kids on through. I offered to meet them in St. Louis tomorrow, since I don't work then - but I do have a 12 hour shift Friday Morning. I even offered to meet them there tonight (it's about a 4 hour drive). They said "No, we want to come on forward". They can't pay for a hotel until we give them gas money.
What on earth were these people thinking??? They're on the road, with 2 kids, and very little money. Of course, they're the same ones who moved to Roswell, New Mexico last year, with no jobs, no nothing, because "It's a tourist town, there have to be jobs there" and lived in a tent for 4 months. They have moved back to Oklahoma since.
OMG! I can picture these kids. I am a teacher in an urban school, and some of our student population is made up of kids like you describe. I often say how I feel sorry for them, because they don't have parents who love them enough to take care of them. I am sure they are wild and non-compliant and hard to reason with. I really feel for you.
I think the best you can hope for is to pay for a hotel for one night and send the parents on their way. During the visit with the kids, just try to be loving but firm. Rules/structure are important, but remember the kids have never had any of that.
Best of luck to you. You are not an evil step-mom. You are being protective of your family and your home.
OMG! I can picture these kids. I am a teacher in an urban school, and some of our student population is made up of kids like you describe. I often say how I feel sorry for them, because they don't have parents who love them enough to take care of them. I am sure they are wild and non-compliant and hard to reason with. I really feel for you.
I think the best you can hope for is to pay for a hotel for one night and send the parents on their way. During the visit with the kids, just try to be loving but firm. Rules/structure are important, but remember the kids have never had any of that.
Best of luck to you. You are not an evil step-mom. You are being protective of your family and your home.
Thanks for the advice. We're thinking of sending them to day-camp while they're here. It's the only time we could get their parents to agree to let them come, but DH and I have to work quite a bit of it (I have weekends off, he has Sun-Mon off). Dh is taking some vacation time, though.
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We're thinking of sending them to day-camp while they're here. It's the only time we could get their parents to agree to let them come, but DH and I have to work quite a bit of it (I have weekends off, he has Sun-Mon off). Dh is taking some vacation time, though.
This would probably be GREAT for the kids. I was reading your original post and WOW. I don't even know what else to say. Those kids need some structure, and a loving family. The day camp idea would probably be something they will remember for the rest of their life and enjoy. Maybe not at first but they will once they get use to it.
You are an AMAZING woman and put up with way more then I think I could.
You are not the worst step-mom. You are a good step-mom for taking the kids for the summer. One thing that caught my eye in your original post though, is that he has "upped the ante" regarding illegal substances. Someone needs to intervene and get those kids away from the "parents" ASAP. I don't necessarily mean you and your dh, but someone. I speak from experience when I tell you that the kids deserve much better than what they have currently.
One thing that caught my eye in your original post though, is that he has "upped the ante" regarding illegal substances. Someone needs to intervene and get those kids away from the "parents" ASAP.
We'd love to intervene - but, after many, many hours spent with lawyers and tribal council elders, we know we can't do anything. The kids are considered American Indian, part of "The Nation". IF they were taken from their parents, the tribe would insist on them being put with a foster family within The Nation. That is hard to find. We do not qualify, since we cannot prove my heritage (grandfather destroyed his papers) and are not part of the tribe.
For now, we just figure we will continue to try to get the kids every summer or two, keep talking to them at least once a month (difficult since their parents do not own a phone - and only have cells until they don't pay the bill again), and keep letting them know there is another way out there. Doesn't mean they'll make the choice to 'get out', but we're hopeful.
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