Another baby? About This Page:

[bullockfamily5]

HI! Thanks for taking the time to read this... hoping to hear the opinions of "strangers" who don't know my family personally... maybe some of you have struggled with the same decision??

So to the debate: do we try for a 4th (and this would be FINAL) child or not?

I have been wanting to have another child for quite awhile... I tried to forget about it but the yearning is not going away. The past few weeks it is ALL I can think about. I know 4 kids may seem like a lot, but not in my husband's family. One of his brothers (he has 3) has 6 children. My MIL was one of 13 children (hello Duggars!) I love family gatherings (as crazy as they get) - and love that my children have some many people around them to love them.

My husband and I currently have 3 boys - ages 7, 4.5 and almost 3. The older two are a lot of hard work sometimes as they both have ADHD. The 7 yr old has seemed to do much better over the past year since he started taking medication (something I was against but decided was worth a try and was so excited that it was a positive experience for him) but my middle son is "charged-up" all day. My husband doesn't have a ton of patience, but overall is an awesome, hands-on father.

I feel that IF we decided to have one last child this is the ideal time to try.

I am already home with the kids (since my entire department was let go the end of last summer) and love it. I love being home with them and not having to have them in daycare anymore.

We still have a lot of baby "gear" (except for a crib) so it wouldn't be the big financial burden of taking on a new child for the first time.

I like the idea of the children being close in age... and wouldn't want to wait another 5 years and then decide to have one more child with such a huge gap in between them.

My biggest concern is just finances - they could be better for us. But in all honesty, with each of our other children we never felt 100% "secure" either. We've hit some bumps, but have always been fortunate enough to have help when we needed it and pulled through.

We have debated if I should go back to work but ultimatly just decided recently that I am going to go back to college and pursue my original goal of teaching- only now as a parent of 2 boys with ADHD I am open to special-needs education or social work as well... (something in the field where I feel I can help others who may be experiencing struggles similar to the ones we have been through with my boys) So, once again, IF we were to have another baby I feel it should be now... I could be home with the kids while I am attending college and then I could look for a full-time job when the youngest was starting school? August of this year all 3 of my boys will be in school (the youngest in a pre-school program) so I will have no kids at home all week from 8am-12pm - enough time to attend a morning class at the local community college and then maybe take a class online as well??

Anyhow... bascially my question to those of you reading is this: if the yearning and desire is there and the timing seems to be best now - do I worry about the finances and opinions of other family members- or follow my heart and try for one more little miracle? Who knows.. maybe I could even be blessed with a little GIRL this time?

Thanks in advance for your opinions/advice....

[Huntermom]

I think there are several kinds of costs to having a child, one of the most important is how much time and energy each child takes. I remember reading that statisically after 5 or so children you see a drop in IQ and acheivement, most likely due to the less attention that is available to the children.

I think the one factor you really need to consider is the amount of energy a fourth child will take and how much it will take from the three children you now have, especially the two with special needs.

Your post implies that your family may not approve of you having a 4th child. If so, do you know why? Do they see your ADHD boys as needing more? I think just having two boys with ADHD is a lot.

I would also try a semester or two at college first. You may feel more fulfilled once you have started this career change. I really don't think a difference of an extra six months will make that much of a differnce and it may actually give you more time until your second son is a little more settled, especially in regular elementary school.

And while a baby may not seem expensive now, you would need to contribute to one more college educatiion, which can be very expensive (right now about $80K for a public school to $200K for a 4 year private school.)

[stretch2864]

I think the answer really lies with you and your DH. There really is no "ideal" time to have a child. My theory is that we just adjust accordingly to meet the needs of our families, regardless of how big or how small. The important thing is that you and your DH are communicating, and that both of you are on board regardless of the decision. Good luck!

[oldmom]

kids get more expensive the older they get and it feels like they take more and more time as well. for me, the fact you are asking for input means that you aren't certain about this, but no one can tell you what's right for you.

[bullockfamily5]

Thanks for your input everyone... its awesome to be given things to think about...

To be honest about it- I'm not really concerned and I feel certain this is something I (we) want... this may sound odd but being an odd number feels strange.. we go places as a family and there is always someone left out or having to do something alone.... adding one more feels natural.
And I do understand that children are expensive.... I am not underestimating that fact. I do want to provide the best I can for my children... but I don't think that money is everything. I don't think that only having 1 or 2 children so that you can spoil them is better than having 3 or 4 who might have to wear a hand me down once or twice... We are not financially drowning - they will always be provided for. I believe it is more about the quality time you spend with them.

We are extremly family-oriented. We do so much together as a family- as well as one on one with each child... I don't feel that my boys are neglected in any way. I know that I am in no way perfect - but am always complimented by others at how well I relate to the children and seem to deal with their ADHD amazingly. I'm confident that I will be able to be just as nurturing to another child.

[Dale_Loves_Mickey]

I have 4 kids. All have special needs of their own. DS#1 is add, DS#2 is ADHD (The worse case seen in our area to date, according to the people who tested & diagnosed him), DD#1 has a learning disability, & DD#2 is ADHD.

The oldest has grown up and is very self sufficient. He has joined the National Guard and is now serving in Afghanistan. He outgrew his need for medication and is coping very well with his ADD.

DS#2 is 16 and is struggeling in school. We do all we can for him and he is trying. That's really all we ask of him. To give it his best. He is maturing very well and I hope to see him either in the military or in collage very shortly.

DD#1 is 14 and is doing spectacular in school as long as they recognise her limitations and allow her that extra time she is meant to get.

DD#2 is also going well in school and is growing socially. She is a little slow in reading, but catches up with only a little work.

DH works 55+ hours a week and I work as a local press carrier. We make enough to make ends meet and are doing ok. When asked if I would do it again? I have to honestly say that I would wait a few years between the girls. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids and would give everything up for them. I would just wait a while if I had it to do over again.

Now, you have my opinion. If it helps you to "make up your mind" in any way, then good!

[B.M.]

It sounds to me like your mind is made up. I have 5 kids- so I'll be the last to discourage you as long as you and dh are onboard. My four oldest are all door steps (16-20 months apart). There is a 3 yr age gap in between my 4th and 5th. I like having them close in age, they are great friends to each other and they always have someone to play with. As another poster said, there is never a good time to have a baby-

[MMMD]

My SIL never liked it when they were a family of 5 either. She always felt someone was left out and happily had a 4th child (sorry all girls - she never got her boy LOL.) I'm very lucky. When I decided to have children I knew I wanted 2 and I wanted 2 of the same sex. So when I had my 2nd daughter I really and truly felt that my family was complete. I have friends who didn't have the "last" baby they wanted and they regret it. So I wouldn't let family pressure or finances dictate my family size. Only your heart can do that.

Good luck!

[4Disney2]

by your first post and second post seems to me you have already made your mind up.
as to go back to college and a new baby in addition to the other ones, and properly educating them, taking care of them physically, emotionally and spiritually you are the only one that with all honesty can answer it. Economically you have to decide if they will grow up having enough and not wanting things.

It is very important what DH thinks too because he might not get enough attention and you need him around, so it is your decision if you would have another child.

In other words think of your other children and your husband too, their desires also count not just yours.

you mentioned on your first post that he does not have a lot of tolerance, so as long as you can fulfill being a mother, wife, lover, College student and keep him happy in every respect that is for you to decide. a decision without regrets either way.

[MelissaL]

Obviously only you and your husband can really decide this, but here are a few more questions to think about:

How long would the college coursework for a teaching degree take? Are the required courses offered year-round, or do they need to be taken in sequence at specific times? If you start this fall while your youngest is at pre-school, and get pregnant in the next few months, you'd have just one semester before you'd need time off. Also, what would you do for child care while you're at class if you have a baby? Some colleges have child care centers that are reasonably priced, but quality infant care can be expensive.

If the program you're interested in is only a year or two, you might be better waiting until you're done to try for another child. I had enough trouble planning a wedding while student teaching; I can't imagine taking care of an infant (and 3 older kids) too, but you're more used to juggling than I was at that time.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Melissa

[HiddenMickey]

We stopped having kids before my biological self was ready. I only have the two, but we had originally planned for three kids close together. It was apparent to us after having our daughter that the two of them were what we felt comfortable bringing into the world. I continued to yearn to have another baby (and be pregnant again) for several years, but knew that I didn't really want another child. My DH and I both come from families of four kids, so we know what it's like to be part of a larger family....and it's great. But resources and time are limited in all households and we figured out what was comfortable for us was two kids.

I hope you can reconcile your longings with your actual resources and time and come to the best decision for your family.

[4Disney2]

wanted to also play "Devil's advocate" I think we have all addressed your feelings but no one has gone of the side of your DH. How he feels, what he wants. That is VERY important.

We must not forget the DH, lots of kids could be a challenge, as you mentioned he "Does not have a ton of patience"

It will be sad to take him to the edge. I have known awesome man, family oriented but after the going gets tough (kids, work, wife might be fat because of pregnancies and not having time of exercise and proper meals let themselves go) they want to walk away just to have peace and get attention from a woman.

This is another twist that I thought about. Will he be happy and taken cared of?

[saremca]

Originally Posted by 4Disney2

wI think we have all addressed your feelings but no one has gone of the side of your DH. How he feels, what he wants. That is VERY important.

That was going to be my question, "What does your husband want?"

We have 3 kids (obviously by my sig pic) and debated whether or not to have #4. We didn't have a fourth because we were concerned about money and now we both wish we had just gone ahead and had #4. It would have been nice to have another boy, although no guarantee of that, I know.

I think it totally depends on you and your DH and what you want. If it were me and I had my own decision to make again I'd go for #4 and possibly #5. But I'm not you.

[MMMD]

Originally Posted by 4Disney2

wanted to also play "Devil's advocate" I think we have all addressed your feelings but no one has gone of the side of your DH. How he feels, what he wants. That is VERY important.

We must not forget the DH, lots of kids could be a challenge, as you mentioned he "Does not have a ton of patience"

It will be sad to take him to the edge. I have known awesome man, family oriented but after the going gets tough (kids, work, wife might be fat because of pregnancies and not having time of exercise and proper meals let themselves go) they want to walk away just to have peace and get attention from a woman.

This is another twist that I thought about. Will he be happy and taken cared of?

No "awesome man" walks away from his family because his wife has put on weight or the children are too much responsibility. I realize that if you don't love your husband some other woman will. But a man who walks away to have peace and attention will do that whether you have 1, 2, 3 or 4 children.

[guitardiva]

I have 4 but they are spread out. 22, 18, 16 and 8. My fourth has been a gift and made our family complete.
All I can say is there is rarely a "right" time to ever have a baby. It is all about how you and your DH feel about it.